DH committed suicide, body found 10 days later part 2

[MamaTeeTee]

The support I had on the last thread was amazing so thought Id continue it.

For anyone catching up, my DH died between christmas and new year. He had been struggling with depression and a cocaine and steroid addiction. His behaviour in the last 6 months got totally out of control. He was drink driving, disappearing for days, sneaking out in the middle of the night. We hAd two weeks apart at the beginning of December during which time he lived with a friend. He insisted he was clean during these 2 weeks but I later found out he wasn't. He moved back home for 2 weeks but christmas was a disaster and he told me on xmas eve (whilst he was drunk and high) that I was his trigger that made him do these silly things and he wanted to leave.
He went to stay with his mum on December 28th although we were still very much a family. He came to the family home for tea after work, we took the kids out togetehr, then he went to sleep at his mums. I thought I was giving him family life without the pressure.
On Tuesday 29th December I picked DH up after work and we went home and played playdoh with the kids for an hour. I took him to the shops to get a couple of bits he needed and then dropped him to his mums as me and DC were going to my dads for an hour. I called DH on my way home to see if he wanted to see the kids before they went to bed but he said he was busy. He came to the house at 10pm as I had made his food for work for the following day and we had a cuddle on the sofa. At 10.30pm when he was back at his mums he text me "is this the way it's going to be from now on?" And I replied "I think so, until you sort yourself out". The texts went on and he explained that he was sorry for putting us through this and how much he loved me. I said I loved him too but I couldn't understand how we had got here and that he seemed to be so much happier being away from us. He text me at 11pm saying "I love you, I love my parents and I love our babies but you're all better off without me xxxxxxxx". And that was the last anyone heard from him.
He has sent me that same text I don't know how many times over the years. I usually get a text half an hour later saying "I'm being a tit, ignore me".
I didn't get another text this time. I text him back a few times but thought he was playing games with me so I went to sleep.
I called him in the morning at 8.15am but there was no answer. I thought he was in work so I tried again at 10.15 when he goes on break. It went straight to answer phone. I still hadn't heard from him at 5pm and I was a little worried but assumed he was on a bender. At 11pm the police knocked the door to say his van had been found in the sea.
It took 10 days to recover my beautiful husband's body.
He left behind me and our 2 babies (4&5). I feel as though the world has come crashing down on us. Dd (5) misses him terribly and is struggling massively. She is terrified that I am going to die and her behaviour is just awful at the moment. DS (4) is absolutely fine. He talks about his daddy very matter of factly.

To top off an already horrific situation, there is a rumour going around that ive been having an affair with DHs best friend for months. My MiL quite evidently blames me for DHs death. And i now have to deal with the awful situation of getting probate sorted so I can sell our house. And then there's the inquest to deal with.
It's all so so shit.

Ah mamma tee
talk to us insomniacs

What's happened Mama?

New man is lovely. So so lovely. He literally can't do enough for me. We have so much fun together.
He's met the children just as "mummy's friend" and he was brilliant with them.
For this reason, I thought it best I let MIL know.
I text her last night, "Hiya, just so you know ive recently started seeing someone and he met the kids the other day. Just thought Id mention it incase DD brings him up in conversation."

Her reply? Firstly it took her about 4 hours to reply. Then she text:

"I know. He's been at your house between such and such hours every night this week. You said I would not find out from someone else but I did".

Who the fuck has she got spying on me and the house?! What the actual fuck is wrong with her. This house was supposed to be a fresh start for me and the DC. But i can't relax. I'm fed up of going to Tesco and seeing people I know avoid me and wondering if they're part of the "MamaTeeTee is a cunt" cult or if they just feel awkward.

I just need to leave I think.

I think you need to stop or cut the kids contact
She's going to drip poison in their ears
she's hurting and still trying to blame someone for HER sons problems

Mama I'm so sorry she's making this so hard. This has to be about you and the kids. You can't help someone who is just lashing out. Sorry the update from you isn't better. Hoping for better times soon. You are amazing and so strong.

Have you sat down and had a proper chat with MIL?
I understand she's grieving but she ought yo be grateful she's got such an accommodating daughter in law and if I was her, I'd be trying to build bridges, not burn them. The children are a part of the son she's lost and I know she's in a mist of grief but she needs to stop taking it out on you.
Your life is allowed to move on mama xxx

She text this morning and said "I want the kids at 3 today because im taking Z shopping for his birthday present".
My mum said I shouldn't have just accommodated her demands but I dropped the kids off with her just now (they usually go at 5.30) but I couldn't bear to speak to her so I just gave the kids a kiss goodbye on the doorstep and walked off. As I was walking down the drive she shouted "it's kike that is it? Well send someone else to pick them up in the morning".

When will I grow some testicles and put my foot down?! I don't want my babies there. Dd asked for new mans surname "so nanny can look him up on Facebook".
They met him on Monday and then went to MIL on Tuesday so they must have mentioned him to her then. DD said she asked if he stays over, if we kiss, if he says I love you, if he talks about daddy, what car he's got. Poor kid. The new man was brilliant with the kids - we had a water fight in the garden and we honestly have not had that much fun in I don't know how long. And you can see DD feels guilty for it!
I don't know what reaction would be reasonable here? My motherly instinct wants to stop all contact, rent my house out and fuck off to the next city.

Owllady- ive tried talking to her, as has my sister but no joy came of it. She won't listen. She's the most stubborn person I know - always has been. This situation will never repair even in the slightest.
I'm sure she thinks that this has been a massive fucking jolly for me. I'm still hurting too. Sometimes it's like a stab in the heart remembering all over again. I would kill to touch his face or hold his hand again. But I cant. And life has to go on. He wants me to live, this is why he did this!

That's good to hear you are dating but make sure you take things really slowly. You've been through such a lot and you are still young. Take your time.

She's really angering me! It does sound like she's spying on you!

As long as you are happy that's what counts. Yes she is grieving for her son but her behaviour towards you has been toxic.

Ive booked a viewing on a house about 20 miles away for this week. It's in a catchment area for 2 very good schools and its only 5 mins from the motorway so easy access to come back to see family etc

I don't like this mil business one bit. She's not adding to your lives at at, and she's effectively grooming the dc against you I suspect.

She is not supporting them, she is not providing a healthy emotional environment for them, never has done.

I sincerely advise that you scale back contact to a more ad hoc basis. Otherwise if a solid routine is established, she could take you to court for access or stop you making bigger decisions about where you live etc.

A person with class would not reply with the message she sent, they'd have feigned surprise and even gone as far as to wish you all the best. Nothing more.

That she is having you watched is unacceptable.

You must scale back contact now, you must move well away from her and her cronies.

You need a clean break and a proper fresh start.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, but you have a right to a private life and not feel watched all the time. Her comment will mean that you'll never relax where you are now. Nobody, least of all you, deserves this level of judgement.

You're the one that's here. You are the one who stayed. You're the only parent the kids have, and a bit of fucking respect wouldn't go amiss. Her son let you all down somehow, hard fact I know, but it's the truth. she could choose to make your life and the kids lives better, but no... Far more important to her to dominate, intimidate and ridicule. No wonder her poor son had no chance of procssing feelings and saving himself.

Get your family away from her and her clutches, she'll bring you all down too.

Say nothing more to her, tell her nothing. You don't owe her a thing.

your dd is busy, your ds too. Take back control love, you can do this. For someone of any age, your strength is amazing, for a young woman in her mid 20s, your ability to handle what you've handled is absolutely awe inspiring!

It's got worse. She's put all over DHs facebook page that im seeing someone and that it's too soon for the kids and that the kids are the reason she gets up in the morning and some other bullshit. All DHs friends have shared the post so im literally the talk of the town tonight. There have been some awful comments on them but im trying not to look. People slagging off my parenting, People saying that I just married him for his money (he didn't have any, just 3 mortgages and no life insurance).
The DC were already with her when I saw. I wanted to go over and grab them but my parents talked me out of it because it's DS birthday tomorrow and he will be excited and I don't want to spoil it for him.
My sister is collecting the DC from her in the morning and then once they're in bed tomorrow night I'll text MIL and tell her she's shit on her chips and she's no longer permitted contact with the children. I don't trust her state of mind, nor do I trust her intentions. I'm sticking to my guns on this. No chance of me backing down. I have tonight applied for some jobs in a city 20 miles away, booked a viewing on a house and I'll put my house on the market next week.
How dare she drag my name through the mud? The love DH and I had for eachother was real. I adored every inch of him.

Stop letting your dc see her. She will turn them against you too.

I think you need to distance you and your dc from her and the house 20 miles away sounds like a good move.

You sound utterly amazing by the way.

Do not let Mil twist your dcs minds. Poor loves.

Sorry Mama - I haven't read your whole thread but I was having a conversation similar to your last post with my friend tonight. She was talking about her mother and I was talking about my FIL. We are more or less NC with both of them and it's interesting because all of it changed once we had children. It's amazing what we will allow other people to do or say to us but as soon as you become a parent, it's in a different league.

FIL desperately wants to see the kids but he just can't help himself. He'll be wonderful for a while and will then turn into the nastiest, most spiteful man to DH. The kids are caught somewhere in the middle, wondering why Daddy is behaving differently, why Mummy's cross, why FIL hasn't been to see them for a while. I put my foot down and said I wasn't prepared for them to go through that and have been NC ever since. And what a difference it's made to all of us. How dare anyone make a child feel like that??

So basically, I just wanted to say, well done! You sound strong and remarkable. Stay strong - it sounds like you're doing just what you need to do. Fresh start!

Mama please, please stick to your guns on this one. This disgusting woman is actually doing your DC much, much more harm than good.

Moving away sounds like absolutely the best possible thing you could do.

Please, if you're going to listen to any advice from me, listen to this: this woman is not right. She has contact with the DC established and she will try to pursue any option she can (I'm guessing the next thing will be a solicitors letter demanding contact).

Keep a note of EVERYTHING. Dates, times, comments made to DC, keep copies of Facebook posts - everything. Because if she tries for legal access you need to be as prepared as you possibly can be.

Happy birthday to your ds MamaTeeTee. Such a shame things could not be different with your mil. Don't tell her you are moving away, she will find out anyway, same as she found out about your new amazing friend. She is a mean, spiteful woman and we know why: she feels guilty about what happened to your husband. That's no excuse, she should be thianking you on her bare knees that you would still want to be in touch after what happened. So I hope that 20 miles is far enough away and that you will be able to keep your head and your chin up while you are going through this.

Happy birthday to your DS - your MIL is totally unacceptable, I hope you can get her out of your life.

Am v glad you have found some happiness after all that you've been through

She's a horrid woman, and every single person that shared that post or commented on it should be ashamed of themselves.

You are not gossip, you are not their property and you deserve to have a life. I hope you get a job elsewhere and move away from all these people, and when she complains bitterly that you've taken her grandchildren away from her, you (and us) will know the truth - that she drove you away.

My heart aches for you, you deserve to be treated so much better than this.

You need to screenshot all the messages.

How dare she do this to you!

MamaTeeTee. I think it's been mentioned before but how about doing a big FaceBook cull. You sound like you live in an area where there is a small town mentality and I can't see why you would want to know who is gossiping about you. It's not healthy.

You could put a NON dramatic post up on Facebook saying that you are a bit concerned about online security or something and that you are having a cull, then wish everyone well and block everyone apart from your true friends. Then clamp down on your privacy settings.

Also make it clear to your friends that you are not interested in hearing second hand accounts of gossip about you. TBH I'd also question their motivation for telling you when it so obviously must be upsetting for you to hear. This is your life it's not an episode of Coronation Street.

Could you guys help me word a text to MIL basically saying im not allowing contact from now on?

Are you definitely moving? Can you say you want to start to get them ready for the move or that the tension is upsetting the children?
I'm so sorry to hear that she's continuing to make life sooo hard. Of course you loved the bones of him. Sad that such an awful loss can't drive her to stand with you and the kids.

You could blame it on her saying you can't pick the kids up from her house. "As it is upsetting you so much to see me I think it will be better if we have some distance. Sadly this will mean you won't see the kids for a bit but hopefully when we have all had some time we can move forward."
????
Really struggling to be "fair" on her and not use horrid vicious words.