Just lost my mum. Devastated.

[MummyBex1985]

I don't even know where to start.

My mum had a massive brain haemorrhage and there was no treatment. I sat with her whilst she was on a ventilator, knowing she couldn't survive.

I can't even start processing it. I'm broken right now. She was only 62. I'm 30 and didn't expect to deal with this for years.

My mum loved Christmas and we had plans for this coming Christmas (like every other). Now I just feel overwhelming heartbreak even thinking about Christmas and knowing she won't be there. My best memories of her were around this time of year and now I feel like it's been tainted. Her funeral will be two days before Christmas Day.

Just had to write it down. I'm not coping.

[sem973]

Hi Bex

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, be strong x
I'll light a candle for "Bex's mum" next to to the one I've lit for my mum on my mantlepiece.
Thoughts & comfort to you & family & friends.

Sarah x

[FilbertSnood]

Thinking of you today Bex xxx

Sorry I've not replied - have been ill over weekend. Which doesn't help on top of everything else!

[FilbertSnood]

Sarah - I know what you mean about other people's messages etc being suffocating - I felt initially that the grief was mine and that I needed to be left to deal with it. But I am finding it better now to look back on the messages etc. I am just still struggling with the idea of a world without her in it. I just need to be able to call her again... But I can't and my brain can't quite deal with it. In some ways it is getting easier, but the grief is no less raw or desperate, I am just able to function a little better in between the waves of misery.

Such a hard time of year too xx

[rainbowstardrops]

So sorry to hear of your loss and I hope the funeral goes as smoothly as possible.
I lost my mum 10 yrs ago. I was 35, ds was 5 and dd 9 weeks. I understand the anger that your mum and children have been denied such a loving relationship.
I'm especially angry as my dad hardly bothers with my children and DH's family don't bother at all. I'm angry that the only loving grandparent they had, was cruelly snatched away. It isn't fair.
As my dd was only 9 weeks, I have always had loads of photos of my mum around the house and I constantly tell my children how much nanny loved them and would be proud of them.
I still regularly cry 10 yrs on. Sometimes it can just hit right out of the blue.
Just take each day/hour as it comes.

[WithNailandI]

Bex, Sarah - reading your messages have me in floods of tears. I'm a year and a half on from this horrific ordeal. I appreciate it must be all the harder with being so close to Christmas. My mum died aged 62 after a very sudden illness. I was 32 and my children were 1 and 3. I think it's hard enough dealing with bereavement but the added trauma of you and your children being robbed of this amazing woman and the shock of it happening 20-30 years prior to her life expectancy. It's a incredibly tough time. Take very small steps. Be proud of getting through the day, do not put pressure on yourself to get back to normal. I also found it difficult to get the right support as friends have not been through it. I can really recommend counselling with the right person. Bex - there's no words for how you got through today but I hope you floated through it as well as you can. Thinking of you both and sending lot's of support. xxx

[MummyBex1985]

Thank you everyone.

Yesterday was an upsetting, but surprisingly uplifting and heartwarming day. The chapel was full, so many people came to say goodbye. Lots of people I haven't seen in years and lots that I knew the names of but not the faces.

The service was lovely. I managed to get through my tribute to my mum, which I really wanted to do for her. My DD cried all the way through though.

My family all said it was the send off she would have wanted. I'm so pleased it went as well as it could, although it was really bloody hard.

Today I'm feeling less sad, but I miss her so much. So many people loved my mum - I have cards with hundreds of names on them.

Trying to get through Christmas now. The house is a complete mess - I've barely cleaned or tidied in two weeks and we usually have cleaners but I cancelled them so I could be on my own. Need to try and get through that and then prepare for Friday. Im sure it'll hit me like a train all over again, I loved having my mum here at Christmas.

[ChristmasTurkey2015]

Hello Bex just wanted to say I'm happy to read it went ok yesterday. I lit a candle in cathedral today for my mum and shed a tear over 7 years on. I wanted to reassure you Christmases get easier, happy even, but I always let myself have a good cry about my mum. It sounds like you are doing well and I wish you much strength getting through your first Christmas without her.

[sem973]

Hi Bex
How are you doing?...glad you found some comfort in the friends & family who joined together in celebrating your mum's life, I too saw lots of people I'd not seen for years, or close friends my mum had, who I'd not met but heard lots & lots about (I left Wales in 1992) it was nice to put faces to names & it made me feel close to them & my mum.

Since the funeral on Thurs I had a couple of days where I was plodding along, took dogs out in the sunshine this morning cross-country & wham, it felt like a sledgehammer had hit me this afternoon, it's the unpredictability of the yo-yo feelings that is scary.....as for xmas....please hurry up & go away.... :(

Sarah x

[MummyBex1985]

Thank you CT15 I know it'll be a very difficult day but at least the kids and my other family members will be a distraction.

Sarah I know what you mean about the unpredictability. I'll be plodding along and then it'll hit me like a ton of bricks and I'll be a wreck again. There hasn't been a day yet where I haven't cried (and I'm not usually someone who cries, ever) but at least it isn't constant like it was.

Agree with you though - can't wait for Christmas to be over. And can't believe my mum didn't get to see it.

Xx

[dublingirl48653]

i am so very sorry

thinking of you and your family. There are no words, thankfuly your mum did not suffer

hope you have a peaceful xmas x

[sem973]

Hi Bex & Fibertsnood

Will be thinking of us all & our mums tomorrow, just keep telling myself this time tomorrow it will be over :(

Sarah

[MummyBex1985]

Hope you got through today OK Sarah.

I lasted until 9am before breaking down when one of my mums favourite Christmas songs came on. Uncontrollable. Currently sat on my own in tears again. It's just so fucking unfair and the world feels so empty and sad.

[sem973]

Hi Bex

Big hugs to you....it is so fucking unfair :( :( thank god today is nearly over.....I was ok til my dad (dad & bro came for lunch) walked through the door at 12ish & burst into tears.....just over 3wks ago we had no idea that our family would be broken & lost.......

[MummyBex1985]

I know how you feel. My mind still hasn't even really started processing how that can happen. It's just so so shit. Wondering what the point to everything is if something can upset your whole universe like that. It's the second very close person I've lost in a decade and I think I'd rather die myself than have to go through any of this again.

Everyone keeps asking how I am and my answer is always "I'm fine". But I'm far from fine. I just can't tell anyone how I actually feeling because I've always been able to deal with anything, I've even carried on through this for the last few weeks and everyone is amazed by how "strong" I've been but I'm not, I feel like I'm completely falling apart. Would be happy to go to sleep and not wake up.

[sem973]

Hi Bex

Sorry only just read your last message :( :( hope you are feeling ok, I know exactly where you are coming from....I've had so many "you're being so strong" & "you're doing so well" & "your mum would be so proud"......but I want to scream "I'm not ok!!" it hurts more than words can describe & I'm so exhausted I don't even have the energy to cry :( My dad is staying with me & OH for a couple of days so I have the "mask" on & carrying on as normal but all I want to do is take myself up to bed & shut it all out :( :(

[MummyBex1985]

I'm a little better today thank you. I was in a pretty dire state yesterday though. I think the constant crying and shock has now been replaced with complete and utter depression, no joy in anything and constantly having to try and push bad thoughts out of my head. Today is the first day I haven't cried, but I feel almost nothing now - It's tiring. At least I'm at home so I can potter around mindlessly and not have to concentrate - won't be able to do that when I'm back at work. I usually love my job but I'm genuinely dreading going back in Jan because my brain is incapable of focussing on anything - I can't even have a proper conversation at the moment!

Anyway - if you feel like going to bed and shutting it all out then do it. I read that you should just go with the flow. It might help you recharge a bit. For me it's basically meant doing very little and just powering through jobs when they need to be done, and sleeping as and when. My body clock has gone to utter crap, I now don't sleep before 2 and I'm unable to wake up the next morning!

Hopefully I'll start to clear my head a little more when I start my counselling sessions properly in January. And I hope your work helps you out with that. There was a limit on up to six sessions with my work so I just found someone privately but even the first chat with her helped a lot.

Hope you've at least enjoyed the time with your dad xx