Just lost my mum. Devastated.

[MummyBex1985]

I don't even know where to start.

My mum had a massive brain haemorrhage and there was no treatment. I sat with her whilst she was on a ventilator, knowing she couldn't survive.

I can't even start processing it. I'm broken right now. She was only 62. I'm 30 and didn't expect to deal with this for years.

My mum loved Christmas and we had plans for this coming Christmas (like every other). Now I just feel overwhelming heartbreak even thinking about Christmas and knowing she won't be there. My best memories of her were around this time of year and now I feel like it's been tainted. Her funeral will be two days before Christmas Day.

Just had to write it down. I'm not coping.

[MummyBex1985]

I'm a little better today thank you. I was in a pretty dire state yesterday though. I think the constant crying and shock has now been replaced with complete and utter depression, no joy in anything and constantly having to try and push bad thoughts out of my head. Today is the first day I haven't cried, but I feel almost nothing now - It's tiring. At least I'm at home so I can potter around mindlessly and not have to concentrate - won't be able to do that when I'm back at work. I usually love my job but I'm genuinely dreading going back in Jan because my brain is incapable of focussing on anything - I can't even have a proper conversation at the moment!

Anyway - if you feel like going to bed and shutting it all out then do it. I read that you should just go with the flow. It might help you recharge a bit. For me it's basically meant doing very little and just powering through jobs when they need to be done, and sleeping as and when. My body clock has gone to utter crap, I now don't sleep before 2 and I'm unable to wake up the next morning!

Hopefully I'll start to clear my head a little more when I start my counselling sessions properly in January. And I hope your work helps you out with that. There was a limit on up to six sessions with my work so I just found someone privately but even the first chat with her helped a lot.

Hope you've at least enjoyed the time with your dad xx

[sem973]

Hi Bex

Sorry only just read your last message :( :( hope you are feeling ok, I know exactly where you are coming from....I've had so many "you're being so strong" & "you're doing so well" & "your mum would be so proud"......but I want to scream "I'm not ok!!" it hurts more than words can describe & I'm so exhausted I don't even have the energy to cry :( My dad is staying with me & OH for a couple of days so I have the "mask" on & carrying on as normal but all I want to do is take myself up to bed & shut it all out :( :(

[MummyBex1985]

I know how you feel. My mind still hasn't even really started processing how that can happen. It's just so so shit. Wondering what the point to everything is if something can upset your whole universe like that. It's the second very close person I've lost in a decade and I think I'd rather die myself than have to go through any of this again.

Everyone keeps asking how I am and my answer is always "I'm fine". But I'm far from fine. I just can't tell anyone how I actually feeling because I've always been able to deal with anything, I've even carried on through this for the last few weeks and everyone is amazed by how "strong" I've been but I'm not, I feel like I'm completely falling apart. Would be happy to go to sleep and not wake up.

[sem973]

Hi Bex

Big hugs to you....it is so fucking unfair :( :( thank god today is nearly over.....I was ok til my dad (dad & bro came for lunch) walked through the door at 12ish & burst into tears.....just over 3wks ago we had no idea that our family would be broken & lost.......

[MummyBex1985]

Hope you got through today OK Sarah.

I lasted until 9am before breaking down when one of my mums favourite Christmas songs came on. Uncontrollable. Currently sat on my own in tears again. It's just so fucking unfair and the world feels so empty and sad.

[sem973]

Hi Bex & Fibertsnood

Will be thinking of us all & our mums tomorrow, just keep telling myself this time tomorrow it will be over :(

Sarah

[dublingirl48653]

i am so very sorry

thinking of you and your family. There are no words, thankfuly your mum did not suffer

hope you have a peaceful xmas x

[MummyBex1985]

Thank you CT15 I know it'll be a very difficult day but at least the kids and my other family members will be a distraction.

Sarah I know what you mean about the unpredictability. I'll be plodding along and then it'll hit me like a ton of bricks and I'll be a wreck again. There hasn't been a day yet where I haven't cried (and I'm not usually someone who cries, ever) but at least it isn't constant like it was.

Agree with you though - can't wait for Christmas to be over. And can't believe my mum didn't get to see it.

Xx

[sem973]

Hi Bex
How are you doing?...glad you found some comfort in the friends & family who joined together in celebrating your mum's life, I too saw lots of people I'd not seen for years, or close friends my mum had, who I'd not met but heard lots & lots about (I left Wales in 1992) it was nice to put faces to names & it made me feel close to them & my mum.

Since the funeral on Thurs I had a couple of days where I was plodding along, took dogs out in the sunshine this morning cross-country & wham, it felt like a sledgehammer had hit me this afternoon, it's the unpredictability of the yo-yo feelings that is scary.....as for xmas....please hurry up & go away.... :(

Sarah x

[ChristmasTurkey2015]

Hello Bex just wanted to say I'm happy to read it went ok yesterday. I lit a candle in cathedral today for my mum and shed a tear over 7 years on. I wanted to reassure you Christmases get easier, happy even, but I always let myself have a good cry about my mum. It sounds like you are doing well and I wish you much strength getting through your first Christmas without her.

[MummyBex1985]

Thank you everyone.

Yesterday was an upsetting, but surprisingly uplifting and heartwarming day. The chapel was full, so many people came to say goodbye. Lots of people I haven't seen in years and lots that I knew the names of but not the faces.

The service was lovely. I managed to get through my tribute to my mum, which I really wanted to do for her. My DD cried all the way through though.

My family all said it was the send off she would have wanted. I'm so pleased it went as well as it could, although it was really bloody hard.

Today I'm feeling less sad, but I miss her so much. So many people loved my mum - I have cards with hundreds of names on them.

Trying to get through Christmas now. The house is a complete mess - I've barely cleaned or tidied in two weeks and we usually have cleaners but I cancelled them so I could be on my own. Need to try and get through that and then prepare for Friday. Im sure it'll hit me like a train all over again, I loved having my mum here at Christmas.

[WithNailandI]

Bex, Sarah - reading your messages have me in floods of tears. I'm a year and a half on from this horrific ordeal. I appreciate it must be all the harder with being so close to Christmas. My mum died aged 62 after a very sudden illness. I was 32 and my children were 1 and 3. I think it's hard enough dealing with bereavement but the added trauma of you and your children being robbed of this amazing woman and the shock of it happening 20-30 years prior to her life expectancy. It's a incredibly tough time. Take very small steps. Be proud of getting through the day, do not put pressure on yourself to get back to normal. I also found it difficult to get the right support as friends have not been through it. I can really recommend counselling with the right person. Bex - there's no words for how you got through today but I hope you floated through it as well as you can. Thinking of you both and sending lot's of support. xxx

[rainbowstardrops]

So sorry to hear of your loss and I hope the funeral goes as smoothly as possible.
I lost my mum 10 yrs ago. I was 35, ds was 5 and dd 9 weeks. I understand the anger that your mum and children have been denied such a loving relationship.
I'm especially angry as my dad hardly bothers with my children and DH's family don't bother at all. I'm angry that the only loving grandparent they had, was cruelly snatched away. It isn't fair.
As my dd was only 9 weeks, I have always had loads of photos of my mum around the house and I constantly tell my children how much nanny loved them and would be proud of them.
I still regularly cry 10 yrs on. Sometimes it can just hit right out of the blue.
Just take each day/hour as it comes.

[FilbertSnood]

Sarah - I know what you mean about other people's messages etc being suffocating - I felt initially that the grief was mine and that I needed to be left to deal with it. But I am finding it better now to look back on the messages etc. I am just still struggling with the idea of a world without her in it. I just need to be able to call her again... But I can't and my brain can't quite deal with it. In some ways it is getting easier, but the grief is no less raw or desperate, I am just able to function a little better in between the waves of misery.

Such a hard time of year too xx

[FilbertSnood]

Thinking of you today Bex xxx

Sorry I've not replied - have been ill over weekend. Which doesn't help on top of everything else!

[sem973]

Hi Bex

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, be strong x
I'll light a candle for "Bex's mum" next to to the one I've lit for my mum on my mantlepiece.
Thoughts & comfort to you & family & friends.

Sarah x

[Teenagecrisisagain]

So sorry you are all going through this :(

Last year on 4 dec my mum had a massive brain haemorrhage. She did survive but was unwell for a long time and although thankfully ok now it was a terrible time

My lovely grandmother then had a brain haemorrhage as well last year on 21 dec and sadly passed away. I feel so upset today as I was very close to her and miss her terribly.

[sem973]

Hi Bex, I know exactly what you mean when you say you are sad for your mum as well as you :( I keep having overwhelming thoughts that my mum was sad because she didn't want to die....probably an irrational thought as it was so quick & unexpected like you mum & the fear that she might have been scared is almost worse than the feelings I have.....not sure if this is making sense :( I thought I would take great comfort in all the cards, texts, flowers & phone calls I've had from dear friends & colleagues but at the moment it all feels a bit suffocating, I suppose this is a feeling that changes day to day......looking at the order of service was tough too before & during the funeral....the dates in black & white make it so "real" & "true"...the picture we had of my mum was a lovely picture from my brother's wedding laughing at the best man's speech :) but a did have to keep turning it over a few times :(.......sorry about this rambling.......

Sarah xxx

[MummyBex1985]

Hi Sarah

Sorry you're still struggling so much

Things are getting a little easier now the initial shock is starting to subside - it's still hard but at least I can cope with every day tasks now, even though I'm exhausted. I'm still very down, but I'm eating again (not quite back to normal but it's something). I've lost a lot of weight. Not looking forward to tomorrow though, at all. Had to check the handout for the funeral and it set me off again seeing my mums photo and the birth and death dates. I just can't believe she left us so early. I'm so sad for her as well as for us.

I've got to try and deal with all of the probate stuff now too and sort through her clothes for charity im going to try and tackle it after Christmas.

I'm supposed to be back at work on Wednesday but like you, I think I'm going to wait until the new year. Just not ready for normality or having to use my brain yet.

Life's so unfair at times.

Xxx

[sem973]

Hi Bex
How are you doing?....I came home from Wales yesterday after staying with my dad since the funeral, I bawled all the drive home :( after being strong & supporting my dad it all hit me like a sledgehammer......work have rung me this morning to see how I am and offered me bereavement counselling when I (hopefully) return on the 4th Jan...off to try & have some breakfast although I'm still eating for the sake of it :(

Sarah xxx

[MummyBex1985]

Sarah it's still early days - I know what you're feeling is completely normal. The horrible thing is that you can't just accept what has happened - you have to start to accept it and then effectively rebuild your life in line with a new reality. It's the worst feeling knowing your whole world has been turned upside down (I feel exactly the same) but one day there has to be a future. It's just not the future we expected and I think it's safe to say we won't be the same people anymore. Just hope that we'll be a different kind of happy eventually. Xx

[sem973]

Hi Bex & Filbert

Hugs to u both ..... I have really been unable to cope today :( it feels like I'm afraid I'll never be who I was a couple of weeks ago & I can't face that :(

Sarah x

[MummyBex1985]

Hi Filbert

Yes, it's much harder to cope than I thought it would be. I knew I'd be sad and full of grief, but I didn't expect it to stop me being able to function or do the most basic of tasks. At the moment I'm due back at work next Wednesday but I won't be ready for it. Not much point in being signed off though as I'm on annual leave for two weeks after Wednesday which I hope will give me enough time to get back to a more normal frame of mind.

I'm really sorry to hear that you lost your mum recently too. I hope it's starting to get easier for you and your DD now - not that I would imagine you ever really get over it.

Xx

[FilbertSnood]

Very much sympathy to you all. My mum died in November and it's all overwhelming and hard. We were a very close family and it's such a great loss. The funeral was bad and good at the same time - because it was nice to remember and to hear all the lovely things everyone said about her but seeing the coffin was hard. And my 5 yr old DD sobbing through the funeral was awful.

Anyway - I just wanted to say that I empathise. It's awful - not something we will ever get over, I guess we will just manage to live with it. I have been signed off work since October when my mum went into hospital - it's hard to cope isn't it?

Xxx

[MummyBex1985]

Sarah I'm glad you've come back - I know it must have been awful but I hope you're ok.

My dad has been suffering too, even though they were divorced, but I think shouldering someone else's pain also makes you feel worse. Try not to bear his pain as well as your own. Sending you massive hugs.

To everyone else - it's horrible seeing that you've all lost people too and how hard Christmas still is after so long (or not in some cases)

Freesia, I can't ever see myself adapting. But hopefully one day I will.

I stupidly tried to go back to work yesterday but went home by 12:30 - I thought the stability/routine might help but I couldn't think. Was awful and set me back if anything.

I spoke to a bereavement counsellor this morning and have booked some time with her for January. My head is still a mess, even though I've managed to function with a degree of normality today.

I'm still so angry. Right now it's anger about lost years. My mum didn't want to go, she had so many plans and she should have had another 20+ years. I'm so sad for her more than anything. She didn't deserve that. How do you even start to accept a loss that should never have fucking happened. The world is utter shit.