Just lost my mum. Devastated.

[MummyBex1985]

I don't even know where to start.

My mum had a massive brain haemorrhage and there was no treatment. I sat with her whilst she was on a ventilator, knowing she couldn't survive.

I can't even start processing it. I'm broken right now. She was only 62. I'm 30 and didn't expect to deal with this for years.

My mum loved Christmas and we had plans for this coming Christmas (like every other). Now I just feel overwhelming heartbreak even thinking about Christmas and knowing she won't be there. My best memories of her were around this time of year and now I feel like it's been tainted. Her funeral will be two days before Christmas Day.

Just had to write it down. I'm not coping.

[sem973]

Hi Bex

I know what you mean it being weirdly comforting knowing you're not the only one going through it all.....I went into overdrive after meeting with the undertakers....sorting out all the "girly jobs"... florists, venue & catering for "the do" buying mum a new outfit....snuggly new PJs, fluffy dressing gown & slippers :( ordered wild flower seeds to put in the order of service OH designed......and now I feel the wait is almost unbearable yet can't believe Thursday will be the final goodbye...... Big big hugs & to everything you're thinking, doing, & going through almost simultaneously, 2 little words "I know".....

Sarah x

[MummyBex1985]

Thanks Sarah. Big hugs for you too, I know exactly where you are right now. We say our goodbyes on Tuesday 22nd. Doesn't feel real xx

[Dogsmom]

So sorry to hear about your Mum I'm another who lost a parent suddenly, my Dad died of an aneurysm 2 years ago when dd1 was 7 days old, he stayed up watching TV and literally died where he sat.

Alongside the tremendous grief you have to deal with utter shock and disbelief, it's truly awful and frightening to see how your life can go from normal to devastated in a day.

I can't say I've ever felt truly happy since even though I now have another baby but day to day living does become easier and the waves of grief hit you less often although there are times when out of the blue you get a memory and can't stop sobbing.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to seem as if you're coping, if you need to cry then cry, I broke down on so many people in the supermarket!
Christmas is going to happen no matter what so before you get up take a few minutes to yourself, talk to your Mum, tell her you love and miss her even if you don't believe in an afterlife, I don't at all I think when you're gone you're gone but I do get comfort in talking to Dad.x

[Sparkygal]

I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my mum (65) last year after a short illness and the shock, numbness and intense sadness was overwhelming. If I could have cancelled Christmas I would have in a heartbeat, but kept going for the kids.
I know how you are feeling and sending you hugs, you must be in a numb daze. Take care of yourself xx

[sem973]

Hi Bex

How are you doing? Hope you are ok....I can't believe it's 2 weeks today I lost mum, yesterday was tough I felt very panicky all day, I called in work & seeing colleagues helped a little in the sense that was one 1st ticked off my list....my bosses have been very supportive & if I'm ready due to return to work on the 4th Jan. Today is going to be busy, packing to travel to Wales for a couple of days & dropping off cats at cattery....the "stomach lurching" feeling about tomorrow is awful, god knows what it will be like tomorrow morning......

Sarah x

[MummyBex1985]

Sarah I just wanted to wish you the best of luck for tomorrow. It's awful but I hope you're ok and taking care of yourself. Just be prepared that the funeral will probably be even harder than you imagine it to be.

We met with the minister today and it was quite nice/comforting going through the good points of mums life.

It's been a week today since I got that awful phone call to go to the hospital. In some ways it feels like a lifetime. I'm just sat trying to find some music for next Tuesday.

I called into work yesterday to pick some things up and it was nice to see everyone. I'm going to try going back to work tomorrow - it won't be easy but it'll at least be a distraction. Fortunately work have been good with me too, not sure they expected me back so soon though. I only have three days to do before Christmas if I go in tomorrow and then I'll be off until the new year. Hoping it'll give me enough time to pull myself together.

Thinking of you.

[MummyBex1985]

And feel free to be upset and rant here anytime you need to. One thing I've learned is that it helps hugely to talk xx

[sem973]

Cheers Bex, thinking of you too & hope you're ok, it was sort of comforting meeting with our minister too as we built up a picture of mum's life, especially the story my dad told of how they met, they were ,married 45 yrs this year. I keep running through tomorrow in my head, all sorts of thoughts from it's not really happening to I hope it's over as quick as it can be to which I feel so guilty & horrid....
Be easy on yourself at work tomorrow, if you get up & think I can't do this today everyone will understand.

It's the feelings of anger I'm really struggling with at the mo....I went shopping yestersday & bought a little carved wooden box from a gift shop, the lady at the till commented on what a lovely present it will be & I replied it's to keep my mum's wedding ring in which I'd just recieved from the funeral directors (as per dad's instructions).....she got really upset & started me off....I couldn't get home quick enough......

Sorry for rambling, but as you said it helps to talk, OH has been amazing but it's also very hard for him as he was v close to my mum & it's bringing back alot of memories of when we lost his mum 5 yrs ago....

Sarah x & hugs.

[MummyBex1985]

I empathise fully with the feelings of anger. I think I've been angry at everything, including a sandwich that had no mayonnaise on it.... But mainly for all the lost years and for compete selfish reasons (I'm too young not to have my mum). My parents are divorced but were married for 25 years and used to have an amazing life, seeing my dads card for the funeral flowers set me off again.

Ramble away, it's therapeutic. I do the same.

And don't feel guilty for wanting it over. It's an awful feeling of limbo. The funeral is hard but it's such a huge part of the healing process (as I keep reminding myself) unlike actually having to plan everything which is just a painful reminder. Feel like I've had several sledge hammers to the chest over the last few days.

I've also got a very bad stomach and can't keep the bits of food down that I actually manage to stomach which is a bit worrying. I'm in pain physically today as well as emotionally - not sure whether it's normal or whether it's something to worry about (particularly as everything worries me at the moment).

[MummyBex1985]

Sarah, I just wanted to send you a massive virtual hug before tomorrow.

I hope you're ok.

[sem973]

Hi Bex
Hope you are ok....yesterday was so, so, so tough & I feel so lost, I'm staying with my dad for a couple of nights & can't bear seeing him so broken hearted, he is so lost & I feel like I'm in a deep, dark hole.. Hope you can keep strong in the days before Tuesday big, big hugs to you .....

Sarah x

[sem973]

.....and like you said I think experiencing physical pain and feelings are as real as emotional pain, I'm eating bits & bobs for the sake of it but feeling sick all the time.....and feeling shattered but can't manage more than cat naps....hope you are managing to eat a bit better now & sleep when you can....

Sarah x

[Freesia2013]

Hi Bex

My mum was 59 when she died unexpectedly almost 3 years ago, I was 31. Terrible shock that's the first thing, then reality hits (I guess once the funeral etc has taken place).

It's not easy, I'm so sorry you're going through the same, there are no words that can take the pain away but there are others who've had similar experiences who may provide some comfort.

People say it gets easier with time, but my mum loved Christmas and today I had a small cry as it would be be great if she were still here. It's a difficult time of year but that bottomless pit of loss does ease with time.

Take time for yourself, hope you have support (sorry haven't read all the replies). It will take time until you begin to feel "normal" again, it's just weird, you learn to adapt to life without her, but that doesn't mean you forget or miss her.

I kept all messages of support and read them a couple of months after when my mind was clearer, when the fog lifts, they provide lots of comfort.

Also if you've any texts, voicemails, emails, think about saving them as I nearly lost our last texts

Take care xx

[VenusRising]

Hugs to everyone who has lost a parent and their children's grandparent.

My dad passed away from a haemorrhage almost 20 years ago yesterday, and I still cry and miss him coming up to Christmas so I know how a little bit about how bereft you all must be feeling.

Let's light a candle at their place at the table, and let the peace and grace of their kindness and love pass through us.

[LumelaMme]

It does get better once the funeral is over.

Also this You have said your mum was kind people never forget that which a PP said is absolutely true. My DM died more than 25 years ago and people still remember her and tell my DC - who never knew her - what a lovely person she was.

[Hjb2410]

@mummybex1985
My mum very sadly passed away very suddenly on 23rd december 2014. Very similar to you my mum loves Christmas time and we ha scantily plans for christmas 2014; unfortunately we never got christmas 2014.
I'm still struggling tbh so I won't pretend that 'im ok' but my only advise Is take each day as it comes, do day by day. Try not to plan too far in advance. Spend time with those who matter and mean something to you, you will unfortunately realise who your true friends are.
I'm always here if you want to private message me. Sending hugs xxx

[MummyBex1985]

Sarah I'm glad you've come back - I know it must have been awful but I hope you're ok.

My dad has been suffering too, even though they were divorced, but I think shouldering someone else's pain also makes you feel worse. Try not to bear his pain as well as your own. Sending you massive hugs.

To everyone else - it's horrible seeing that you've all lost people too and how hard Christmas still is after so long (or not in some cases)

Freesia, I can't ever see myself adapting. But hopefully one day I will.

I stupidly tried to go back to work yesterday but went home by 12:30 - I thought the stability/routine might help but I couldn't think. Was awful and set me back if anything.

I spoke to a bereavement counsellor this morning and have booked some time with her for January. My head is still a mess, even though I've managed to function with a degree of normality today.

I'm still so angry. Right now it's anger about lost years. My mum didn't want to go, she had so many plans and she should have had another 20+ years. I'm so sad for her more than anything. She didn't deserve that. How do you even start to accept a loss that should never have fucking happened. The world is utter shit.

[FilbertSnood]

Very much sympathy to you all. My mum died in November and it's all overwhelming and hard. We were a very close family and it's such a great loss. The funeral was bad and good at the same time - because it was nice to remember and to hear all the lovely things everyone said about her but seeing the coffin was hard. And my 5 yr old DD sobbing through the funeral was awful.

Anyway - I just wanted to say that I empathise. It's awful - not something we will ever get over, I guess we will just manage to live with it. I have been signed off work since October when my mum went into hospital - it's hard to cope isn't it?

Xxx

[MummyBex1985]

Hi Filbert

Yes, it's much harder to cope than I thought it would be. I knew I'd be sad and full of grief, but I didn't expect it to stop me being able to function or do the most basic of tasks. At the moment I'm due back at work next Wednesday but I won't be ready for it. Not much point in being signed off though as I'm on annual leave for two weeks after Wednesday which I hope will give me enough time to get back to a more normal frame of mind.

I'm really sorry to hear that you lost your mum recently too. I hope it's starting to get easier for you and your DD now - not that I would imagine you ever really get over it.

Xx

[sem973]

Hi Bex & Filbert

Hugs to u both ..... I have really been unable to cope today :( it feels like I'm afraid I'll never be who I was a couple of weeks ago & I can't face that :(

Sarah x

[MummyBex1985]

Sarah it's still early days - I know what you're feeling is completely normal. The horrible thing is that you can't just accept what has happened - you have to start to accept it and then effectively rebuild your life in line with a new reality. It's the worst feeling knowing your whole world has been turned upside down (I feel exactly the same) but one day there has to be a future. It's just not the future we expected and I think it's safe to say we won't be the same people anymore. Just hope that we'll be a different kind of happy eventually. Xx

[sem973]

Hi Bex
How are you doing?....I came home from Wales yesterday after staying with my dad since the funeral, I bawled all the drive home :( after being strong & supporting my dad it all hit me like a sledgehammer......work have rung me this morning to see how I am and offered me bereavement counselling when I (hopefully) return on the 4th Jan...off to try & have some breakfast although I'm still eating for the sake of it :(

Sarah xxx

[MummyBex1985]

Hi Sarah

Sorry you're still struggling so much

Things are getting a little easier now the initial shock is starting to subside - it's still hard but at least I can cope with every day tasks now, even though I'm exhausted. I'm still very down, but I'm eating again (not quite back to normal but it's something). I've lost a lot of weight. Not looking forward to tomorrow though, at all. Had to check the handout for the funeral and it set me off again seeing my mums photo and the birth and death dates. I just can't believe she left us so early. I'm so sad for her as well as for us.

I've got to try and deal with all of the probate stuff now too and sort through her clothes for charity im going to try and tackle it after Christmas.

I'm supposed to be back at work on Wednesday but like you, I think I'm going to wait until the new year. Just not ready for normality or having to use my brain yet.

Life's so unfair at times.

Xxx

[sem973]

Hi Bex, I know exactly what you mean when you say you are sad for your mum as well as you :( I keep having overwhelming thoughts that my mum was sad because she didn't want to die....probably an irrational thought as it was so quick & unexpected like you mum & the fear that she might have been scared is almost worse than the feelings I have.....not sure if this is making sense :( I thought I would take great comfort in all the cards, texts, flowers & phone calls I've had from dear friends & colleagues but at the moment it all feels a bit suffocating, I suppose this is a feeling that changes day to day......looking at the order of service was tough too before & during the funeral....the dates in black & white make it so "real" & "true"...the picture we had of my mum was a lovely picture from my brother's wedding laughing at the best man's speech :) but a did have to keep turning it over a few times :(.......sorry about this rambling.......

Sarah xxx

[Teenagecrisisagain]

So sorry you are all going through this :(

Last year on 4 dec my mum had a massive brain haemorrhage. She did survive but was unwell for a long time and although thankfully ok now it was a terrible time

My lovely grandmother then had a brain haemorrhage as well last year on 21 dec and sadly passed away. I feel so upset today as I was very close to her and miss her terribly.