DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

urn sounds perfect , plum has a beautiful grain . A bit of an improvement on the plastic coffe jar thing .

Where are you going to keep it ? Do you have a special place in mind , one that cats won't knock over ?

I'll be sure to casually drop that into the conversation, C.

My counsellor said the same thing cozie. He said I seem to want to punish myself by giving her chance after chance to give some empathy. The last time I spoke to her she kept asking if DLH wanted to leave me. I'll sort out this stupid white elephant flat abroad for them, because I said I would. NC after that. DLH used to open my emails from them, at my request, and just relay anything (very little) of importance.

I keep finding DLH's scribbled poetry all around the place. Last night I was ransacking the house for a book he gave me on our wedding day, (still can't find it) and I found a 4 page long poem. Still trying to decipher it, his writing is more a series of squiggles and dots. I also found the poem he wrote me for our first anniversary. But then he handed me a ring, because we'd got married without an engagement. And he wasn't a grand gesture type at all. He gave a little panda bear to me once, because he remembered I'd had a toy panda as a child. He collected heart shape boxes (Nirvana fan). Got hundreds of the things downstairs. All charity shop finds, then Etsy and ebay.

Oh, and cozie, I can tell when something's royally wound you up, because you'll use the word "shit".

Gosh - I must have been in serious distress indeed to use that word on MN.

(The youngsters will - just about - allow that but anything 'stronger' and my mental gates close. )

PS - and roll on selling the white elephant. I've rarely seen such a clear case for NC as yours - it would be like a river of peace washing over you.

I dunno if you are trying to punish yourself by giving them one last chance . I think you are doing it because we are programmed, biologically and socially to love our parents . It's normal and natural .

We KNOW they should love us . We can't believe they don't, so we keep trying to do it right . It's very VERY hard to accept that we can't change the situation , or manage things so they don't hurt us . And It's very socially unacceptable to go NC with them , many people keep it quiet because of the social approbation .

So why wouldn't you keep on trying ? It takes something Really Big to push most people into going NC. For me, it was when I realised they were harming my children .

Maybe their reaction to the loss of beautiful boy husband is your Big Thing. Only you know .

I think I'd agree with that broadly - although I'm guessing that you have some self-esteem issues to think through. After all it could be argued that counsellors are there not simply to tell us what the score is but mainly to provide us with the safe place to think things through for ourselves. ( And maybe supply the gentlest of suggestions to help out if we're floundering.)

( And Mantra protests 'But my poor brain is hurting with all this thinking!')

M0rven, there is nowhere those cats won't knock it down! That's why a had to write ceramic off straight away. I'm going to put it on a chest of drawers, in our bedroom. Human ashes are surprisingly heavy, so hopefully will weight it down. And you're right, most of the urns resembled something I'd store coffee or flour in!

I still sleep on my side of the bed, haven't quite got the hang of being a starfish just yet. Thing is, the cats sleep on my side as well, on either side of me. I'm getting better at switching the light off, the loneliness in bed isn't as raw as it was.

I invited people who knew DLH to donate to a charity, and found out today that quite a few thousands were raised. I found that quite uplifting.

Did I ever tell any of you, he did some work experience during his gap year at the Houses of Parliament. His mental health at this point was beginning to deteriorate. He really wanted to get into a particular club, and they didn't want to admit him. So he flashes his Houses of Parliament ID card, and demands they let him in, because he's on secret Government business. Sadly for DLH, his plan didn't work.

I wonder if you are not delaying on the NC but simply taking this one step at a time. The huge aching loss of your DLH is more than enough for anyone to cope with, let alone with the added recognition that that your parents will never give you the support and care that you need.

I love your description of the urn. It sounds like a real work of art.

LOL at DLH in MI5

I love the way that the chat on this thread moves from the sublime to the ridiculous in moments. I can only assume this says something about you, mantra , and your relationship with Your DH.

I think that's it Holly. I'm not sure they'll notice when I go NC anyway, they've rung me 2, maybe 3 times in the last 2 months since DLH's death. I always used to think there was something wrong with me, because I didn't like my parents. I now realise they feel the same about me and my sisters, and probably always have.

They will notice when they want you do something . Then they will be angry and martyred . Sigh

That made me smile Morven, thank you. We used to call each other particularly peculiar peculiar, as a compliment, like.

I had a dream once, where DLH and I were mice, living in a tree stump. Very detailed, I can even remember thinking, "I'm a mouse, so I don't have a bladder and am therefore leaking a trail of piss," and us putting our straw bedding outside and collecting fresh wee-free straw to sleep on.

When Valentines day arrived, he was very excited about the gift he had for me, and all he would say was "it's the bestest thing ever." I was gobsmacked when I opened it, it was a small silver tree stump, which when lifted up, revealed 2 tiny mice. I can honestly say it's the most beautiful thing I own.

*just the 1 peculiar in "particularly peculiar".

"They will notice when they want you do something . Then they will be angry and martyred"

Yes M0rven. And I shall incline head to one side, in a sickly sympathetic manner take HUGE glee in saying "Oh dear, this is all too upsetting for me, so I'm afraid I can't help."

Then get Moonpig to make this image into a card to send them.

Nah, Mantra - speaking to them in any form could well set you back, I'm afraid. It's possible to do all sorts of things in your head but when you're faced with a real person - even on the phone - it all becomes very different. Previously learned behaviour is a very powerful thing.

NC is No Contact for a reason.

Thing is M, that 99 per cent of what TSP do will never be normal, and never be reasonable. Which is why there is a 99 per cent liability that giving them another chance will never work.

I'm a big fan of very limited contact, which is ceremonies only, but it's up to you. Anyway, there's no hurry to do anything.

*just the 1 peculiar in "particularly peculiar".

Indeed. Because two peculiars would be weird, like .

I love the tree stump with the mice. He does sound a very unusual man . In a good way .

He was the most perfectly peculiar man ever M0rven. Just to clarify, there weren't actual mice under the tree stump DLH gave me for Valentines. Just tiny silver figurines of mice. I'm feeling a bit mournful that I've lost my particularly peculiar person. I just hope we can find each other again. I left enough clues in his pockets when i went to see him at the funeral parlour. I think I stuffed something into every single one of his pockets.

Something nice happened earlier. I bumped into a mutual acquaintance, who writes children's books. He'd made MCat into a character in his most recent book; a sinister Spanish cat who sits on the wall to serenade the lady-cats whilst playing his guitar. He's going to dedicate the book to DLH, because originally MCat was DLH's cat, before we became a family.

Lovely.

Thank you for clarifying about the mice. I wasn't too sure, after the fish lice.

Do you want to tell us about the clues, or is it private ?

I'm glad to hear that Mcat is famous. Perhaps he will have to start a blog or even a you tube channel ? I didn't know that's cats had such things until I heard a radio programme by Susan Calman. Although I'm not a cat person I am a radio listener .

Well, they were things I thought he'd like, so therefore reminding him of who he is, if that makes sense? So maybe not clues as such. But they were:

• Packet of B&H Gold (only for special occasions see)
• Tiny silver light-house, that opened up to reveal the light-house keeper inside.
• A whisker each from Little Monsieur and MCat
• Lock of my hair
• Small stone in the shape of a heart, given from me to him on our first Valentines
• Chinese penny, the ones that look a bit like a polo mint

• no fish lice.

I dithered about leaving DLH's wedding ring on his hand, put it on him whilst I was talking to him, then took it off. I'm going to get our bands melted into 1 band, with a pinch of his ashes within. And his fingerprint etched on.

I shall have to learn Spanish, if MCat is to become all flouncy diva-ish, and expects a blog. I think you protest a bit too much about "not being a cat person", M0rven.

Yes - the protests are starting to wear a bit thin, aren't they?

Ah, thank you, you lovely people for keeping me just about off the shady side. Just letting me blather about what random stuff comes into my head helps so much. I can go from spitting fury to wistful longing in the space of half an hour. I'll tell you what, it's exhausting isn't it? Sometimes it just hits me, like. But I really don't like turning the light off, so I wait until I nod off, then when I wake up, quickly turn the light out, before the brain's had time to start on at me. Or the bladder for that matter.

A close friend of my father's wrote, some time after the death of her DH, '.....I still find my grief for XXXXX surging up beyond control, but...........'

I've experienced it as well - it's like a sudden flood of longing which moves over you without warning. I just move into it - not to enjoy it but to acknowledge it and live with it. This may be a public site but you're pretty private here so you can live with it with us but without trouble.

Oh - and the bladder is my Nemesis also!

Hope you managed some sleep.

Thank you for telling us about the clues . So they are symbols of your love and life together ? You must have been thinking very clearly to do all this , most people would still have been in state of shock . Your love for him is very clear and strong isn't it , you are very focussed.