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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

981 replies

RubbishMantra · 04/08/2015 03:16

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

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Original poster

RubbishMantra · 02/10/2015 11:35

Better today thanks C, the morbidity comes and goes. No weeping this morning. First counselling session today.

I've ordered Mother's Milk btw. Can you remind me of the the other books by Edward St. Aubyn you recommended?

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cozietoesie · 02/10/2015 11:37

Good luck for the first counselling session. Let us know how it goes.

Original poster

RubbishMantra · 02/10/2015 12:03

Thank you cozie. Met them for an assessment already, and felt very comfy talking to them. Very empathic.

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cozietoesie · 02/10/2015 13:00

Good.

Corygal · 02/10/2015 17:29

Am reposting as my latest missive went awol. Start with Mother's Milk and then it's the rest of the Melrose novels, they're called. But see if you like his style first. Then buy a lipstick while you consider

That's a big step in a really strong good direction re the counselling people. Am really pleased.

Original poster

RubbishMantra · 02/10/2015 21:07

I think I'll like it C. I've had another look at the "look inside" pages on Amazon. Christ knows why I saw a similarity to Huxley. I was probably pissed I dunno... maybe the straightforward writing style.

I went to the spot where he died the other day for the first time. I had to go there - I'm not sure why. It's a thing that I couldn't have not done. Tsm rang tonight, and when I told her about it, she said i shouldn't have gone there. Really?! Yes I fucking should, and I did, and I'm glad I did, I wanted to shout at her.

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Corygal · 02/10/2015 21:21

They're both posh experimentalists, that's for sure.

Well, tsm isn't known for her emotional intelligence exactly. I would have gone as well, and I wouldn't have had a clue why either. I tell you what tho', seeing it won't ever be as bad as imagining it.

cozietoesie · 02/10/2015 21:59

You should compile a file - 'Sayings and Doings of TSM' for future reference - add one in every time you remember it.

I think it might be quite illuminating for you to look back over them and see them together in all their 'glory'.

How was the counselling session?

Original poster

RubbishMantra · 03/10/2015 10:57

I feel I this is a counsellor with whom I can do "the work" cozie. I burst into tears before I even got in the room.

Hmm I like the idea of compiling a Volume of Toilet Sayings and Doings. I've begun using tsm's own tactics on her. If she moans about tsf, I tell her how lucky she is to still have him. Petty, but somehow satisfying...

The atmosphere in there actually felt peaceful, C. I'm only just starting to realise what a struggle living was for DLH. He still managed to laugh and have good times though. I burned some sage incense and left a crystal guardian angel that I'd given him in the past. I know it's a bit ~woo~, but I did it for myself as well as for DLH because I needed aritual to mark the loss.

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Corygal · 03/10/2015 11:10

That sounds like really good things to do. Don't be embarrassed about howling, it's essential.

Living is bloody difficult for most of us at least some of the time, people just pretend it isn't to cheer themselves and others up. DH's illness was no joke either. But he had good times, and good years, and most of all he had you.

cozietoesie · 03/10/2015 11:25

Yes - I wouldn't be embarrassed in the least about howling - it's as if you've found a place to 'let go' properly so the tears are almost to be expected as a release for a few things and for a time. You've been wound pretty tight in the last short while.

I always light a candle for a death. (I don't generally do candles in the day to day.) What you did doesn't strike me as particularly woo.

Original poster

RubbishMantra · 03/10/2015 13:54

I don't mind about the crying really. I used to think I was a cold, unfeeling bastard, because I could never imagine feeling any sense of loss or grief if the tsps were gone. I felt like that from a very early age.

I gave the crystal Guardian Angel a good cleanse for a few days in salt water, then left her in direct sunlight, because he died underground. Then the cats and I charged her up with love. So if there's any part of him left down there, confused and alone and scared, I hope the sunlight and love stored in the crystal will help and comfort him.

I ordered some Sweet Chesnut and the vit D spray you recommended Goddess. Am sipping the Sweet Chesnut as I type.

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cozietoesie · 03/10/2015 14:21

Good.

cozietoesie · 03/10/2015 17:05

Sorry - I meant to ask. Do you have a certain number of counselling sessions or is it open-ended?

Original poster

RubbishMantra · 03/10/2015 17:37

We didn't get around to doing the contract, because I was snivelling too much. We're going to do the contract in the next session or 2. My own personal belief is to aim for 12 sessions, reviewing every 6 weeks. Difficult, as I'm a trained counseller (to a certain level) myself, so have to be careful I don't apply too much theory to the sessions if that makes sense? It's not through NHS, so it will be up to my counsellor and myself to decide. All NHS offer in my area is CBT, and the waiting list even for that is about 100 years.

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M0rven · 03/10/2015 17:50

Hi it's your name changing friend , non cat loving friend here again . Sorry have been off line

Glad to hear about the counselling , well done on setting that up . Glad you've not gone for the CBT, I'm assuming it's person centred ? I don't think you'll get caught up in theory , it's not like you don't know what the problem is or need a " solution " . it's just a safe place for you talk and feel with someone who you don't have to feel responsible for . I'm have a suspicion that you are usually very careful about not upsetting other people's feelings so you censor what you say .

cozietoesie · 03/10/2015 17:56

Your thoughts on it have time to form then. I suspect there may be some backwash over the TSPs so it's maybe just as well that way.

Original poster

RubbishMantra · 03/10/2015 18:52

Ha, you got me there M0rven, non lover of cats friend! Not surprised I censor stuff really, my tsf had a go at me for swearing on the phone when I was talking about my sadness and anger around DLH's death. Because "ladies shouldn't swear." Funny, we would swear like navvies together, have done for the last 20 years. For some reason he felt the need to criticise my language during an outpouring of grief.

My counsellor is an integrative therapist, but yeah, person centred is a good basis to underpin it on. And like old Carl Rogers, I believe the most important part is the relationship between therapist and client. Trust. A hardcore psychodynamic would be the opposite of what I need right now.

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cozietoesie · 03/10/2015 22:26

...For some reason he felt the need to criticise my language during an outpouring of grief...

He's screwed up, your TSM is screwed up and you're a convenience to take 'it' out on. I wouldn't bother to try and understand them if I were you - just stay away from them. You're certainly not responsible for anything they do.

I know you keep trying to give them additional chances to change and redeem themselves but it doesn't seem as if they're going to.

M0rven · 03/10/2015 22:43

I never swear in RL . But your " parents " make me want to say " fuck" a lot

cozietoesie · 03/10/2015 22:45

Indeed.

Original poster

RubbishMantra · 03/10/2015 22:58

cozie, they are pork pies, with all the filling (spam and hard boiled eggs and jelly) scraped out. Leaving the greasy, hard and unappetising but slightly attractive looking pastry. Hollow.

DLH's pie was a thin layer of floofy pastry, underneath was everything a person ever wanted in a pie. Or anything else for that matter. The pastry could barely contain him. He was the opposite of hollow.

If, and that's a big if, if I ever visit them again, I'm going to bring huge slices of pork pie to flush down their toilets. Explain that to the plumber.

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cozietoesie · 03/10/2015 23:04

I'd be making that 'If' a 'Never' if I were you, Mantra. (Unless you're harbouring deep designs on their bungalow of course. )

Original poster

RubbishMantra · 03/10/2015 23:06

I don't know from what place the obsessional pie analogies are stemming from.

DLH would have made the Best Pie Ever. We used to play a game called "Could You Eat That Person."

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Corygal · 03/10/2015 23:12

Could you ask a pork pie to change itself into a delicious hot steak pie with mash, extra gravy and a glass of red on the side?

Right. So are the tsps ever going to change? Bad parents are cruelly bad luck. Particularly for normal people, to be honest. You might need a lot of therapy to let it go, which would be a normal thing, but it feels a lot better when you have.

I have been unfaithful to Mr C and admiring darling M Cat and his fudgy gorgeousness. On reflection, I feel it is important the little cuddler does not diet.

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