DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

Aw, the little sweeties! They're bereft too and they're clinging to you for comfort while also trying to comfort you. You're their everything now and they obviously adore you.

If you didn't get on with the pills your GP gave you, ask him/her to change them. 10mg Temazapam should do the trick and you can halve them if you feel zombiefied the following day. Or try Nytol as a good night's sleep is essential for you now.

Fwiw, you don't sound 'pathetic' - you sound like a loving and caring dw who is mourning the loss of her beloved DLh.

As little as possible, cozie, apart for appointments and suchlike. And a potter about the garden. Even that makes me sad, because there's a shed that we built together out there. Got some stuff to do tomorrow, and there,s a beautiful park nearby, so may have a wander about there. Got my first counselling session this week as well. Tbh, it's a mission just getting out of bed.

Maybe I will speak to my GP again, I got a nice letter from them giving their condolences and to shout them if I need any help. It's just I start to feel sleepy, lie down on my side, then feel wide awake again. That's why I've been sleeping in this ridiculous sitting up position.

I'm putting this song in...just because.

Maybe try to start getting the garden closed down ready for winter - clearing weeds, scrub, pruning the thuggish exuberant plants if the time is right etc etc. (It will be better for the plants, especially if the winter is rainy rather than snowy.) You can also do it and not feel at all raw/exposed - if that feels like a concern - because you're not really 'out' - just in the garden.

The park wander sounds good - and I think you're right to consider having a word with the GP. They just might be able to help some eg with the sleeping. goddess has given you some tips on meds.

I second the gardening plan. It helped me through a very rough time in my life where I couldn't leave the house much due to illness. There is something about watching things grow that is peaceful. And it does feel like baby steps towards reengaging with the world. You know what might be nice? To plant lots of spring bulbs, so that you can watch them gradually sprout over winter then burst into flower next spring - like a long, natural firework display for DLH, a kind of salute to him from nature. You can order online (Parkers' bulbs are good) so no need to leave the house.

The sleeping thing: I often wake up in the middle of the night, and thoughts can go round and round my head in a half-asleep-half-awake kind of way. I'm not awake enough to make it stop, nor asleep enough to switch off from it. I have an audiobook that I put on and the story is enough to turn my head off and pull me back into doziness. I don't know if this might work for you, but putting it out there just in case. (Sometimes I listen to it in the day, too, and it stops me feeling panicky).

Great idea about new plantings!

I love the colours and the scent of wallflowers in the spring. Tom Thumb and Persian Carpet are particular favourites and I'm interspersing pottering on here with pottering in the gaden pruning, cutting back, and planting wallflowers, violas, forget-me-nots, and spring bulbs for what I hope will be a glorious display next year.

The odour of lavender is said to be conducive to sleep and maybe you could try a few sprays on your pillow or wash your bedlinen in Bold Lavender or a similar smelling detergent?

Now the winter months are almost upon us do take care to ensure you are maintaining a healthy level of vitamin D. I keep DLux Oral Spray by my toothbrush so I don't forget to use it - it's cheap as chips on eBay.

Bach Flower Remedies are often underrated. I know you don't want to dull the acuteness of your grief, but Sweet Chestnut may help in those moments when your loss seems unbearable.

Thinking about you this evening.

Did some weeding in me garden this afternoon! No wallflowers though, I remember reading a hilarious disturbing true story about a man who inserted one into his pee-hole. He had to go to A&E to have it removed, because they have little barbed hairs, so the more he pulled, the more it got stuck. I've always pondered on his choice of flower - why not a gerbera?

Ordered some DLux and Sweet Chesnut Bach.

Feeling more chipper today, possibly because i got about 5 hours unbroken sleep, actually lying down! And with the light off.

Good news about the sleep. Just enjoy it when it comes - for a little while at any rate. (Although I think that having a word with the GP is still a good idea to have in reserve.)

Ouch about the wallflower story - although I'm more intrigued as to why he should want to put any plant there! (Please don't answer that one - leave me in happy ignorance. )

I really should stay away from google sometimes. Not feeling so chipper now. I don't know where he learned to tie a proper knot? I've checked his internet history, nothing. Maybe he erased it? I would never have dreamed of invading his privacy like that usually. I do a bit of fishing, so know my knots, and when we fished together, I'd tie his knots for him. Fucking cunting knots, I fucking hate them.

I never know how people know to tie the knot correctly either. I wouldn't know where to start.

It doesn't matter, Mantra. It really doesn't matter.

Yep, staying away from Gruegle is to be advised. It doesn't matter. I can see that there are so many things about DLH's death that you feel you don't know it feels like it makes sense to get to the bottom of stuff you can know, but I'm not sure dwelling on the fleshy bits makes sense.

Those sites are spreading sinks of blackness that are not helpful to you and not relevant to you and DLH. You won't get any knowledge worth knowing out of them, that's for sure.

Fellow ladies of the Litter may care to note that world-famous writer Sarah Waters answered my question on petcare on her webchat. She sort of hinted that Mr C was high-maintenance.

Some of the best cats are, Cory.

Thanks so much - I'm trying Jonathan Franzen next Cozie

Cyclamen, geraniums and ivy are your friends M. Dirt cheap and, unlike my fat pet, they thrive on neglect and blast cheer through the chilly weeks.

I actually found a site that gives you step by step instructions. It made some very dark reading. It was so matter of fact.

Oh gosh, Mantra - those sites are really, really horrible. They are profoundly unsettling, particularly when you get a very practical DIY approach to this momentous and very, very final decision. I understand that you want to know, even need to know the details, but we are here for you.

Pack it in M. Don't pick scabs.

Yes - try not to.

There are some sites out there which are seemingly prosaic but are pretty dark indeed. They bear no real relation to your DLH though.

Remember that wherever the information came from, it was the illness looking for it, not him. Much though you may want to, you're never going to understand the illness and the way it was working in his mind at the time - just think of Him.

Hope you got some sleep last night.

Oh no, I wasn't very clear. There was nothing on his search history about suicide sites. I found those myself in 2 clicks accidentally, whilst researching what the exact process is when someone hangs themselves, how long it takes, how much pain. He didn't plan it. I've seen where it happened, and he just used stuff that he just found down there. I've seen the place where it happened. He clearly hadn't planned it. With hindsight, I realise the idea was there.

Sniff. All the more reason to stop researching it.

You were clear enough, Mantra. I was thinking, rather, of the way your mind is travelling at the moment.

Ask yourself - 'What would DLH have said about my looking for the information?' My suspicion, from what you've said about him, is that you'd either have got a wry smile or an ever-so-slightly raised eyebrow and the offer of a stiff gin. You can answer better than I, though.

Did you get to the park by the way?

You've summed DLH up very well Cozie. He always did find it extremely amusing how I was compelled to research the fuck out of everything.

No park, yet, but had a nice walk around my friend's lake with their dogs. The dogs reminded me why I have cats...

Now I've always found dogs to be great fun - in modest doses and on an early summer's morning in particular.

The park will still be there.

How is this morning taking you M? The autumnal crunching sounds good.