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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

981 replies

RubbishMantra · 04/08/2015 03:16

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

OP posts:
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cozietoesie · 26/09/2015 20:02

I'm glad that you found that satchel by the way.

cozietoesie · 27/09/2015 18:54

Thinking of you this evening.

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 27/09/2015 19:47

Thanks cozie.

I plucked up the courage to ring SoBS, and spoke to a wonderful woman. It's completely user led, and all the volunteers have gone through loss of a loved one by suicide, so they absolutely understand. She was bloody amazing actually. So sad that others have lost someone in the same way, but comforting to know all the physical, mental and emotional stuff is normal.

I scanned tsm the copy of the interim death certificate, and as I wrote upthread, it states suicide by hanging. When I spoke to her last week, she informed me she'd covered over the cause of death before scanning it to her solicitor "so I wouldn't be embarrassed" Sad . I told her I wasn't, and that she shouldn't be ashamed, because I'm certainly not. Then another classic toilet seat gem; "at least you didn't have to see him get old and ugly." I'd give my legs and arms to have got old with DLH, and he could never have been ugly. This Roald Dahl quote always reminded me of him: "if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."

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Fluffycloudland77 · 27/09/2015 21:21

Your dm is a little ray of sunshine isn't she?.

The sooner you can go NC the better, I'm so glad you have sisters instead.

cozietoesie · 27/09/2015 22:03

I'm so glad you managed to contact SoBS. Is there any chance that you could attend a support group local to you? I don't think they meet very often but perhaps you might find it useful.

(I'm not even going to comment on the TSM's latest - I would become too enraged and use bad sailor language.)

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 28/09/2015 01:06

There is a support group very local to me, cozie, so yes, I think I'll give it a go. I've got a first meeting with a counsellor lined up as well.

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cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 01:41

It must have taken a lot to position yourself for those. Well done you.

cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 11:23

Hope things went OK last night. (I always find Sunday nights very 'flat' for some reason - probably a hangover from younger days.)

Corygal · 28/09/2015 12:29

Your DM is cross between Hyacinth Bucket and Hannibal Lecter, isn't she.

As cozie says, well done on structuring the therapy. Sounds helpful.

You're being brilliant M but don't feel like you have to be so all the time.

cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 12:33

Don't get me going, Cory - I can feel the invective sharpening its kris inside of me.

Corygal · 28/09/2015 12:39

I know cozie. I know.

shovetheholly · 28/09/2015 15:13

Imagine a lot of deleted swearing here, and you have my reaction! I shall content myself with a Humphry Appleby like "Good Lord, the dear lady has outdone herself".

I've noticed this Digging a Big Poo Hole kind of a pattern for toilet-seat people:

Person A: asks intrusive question/says something insensitive
Person B: answers honestly, perhaps showing a bit of hurt
Person A: feels bad, tries to minimize the hurt that they have provoked by finding an absolutely ridiculous 'positive' instead of apologising or listening... thus blundering on and making the whole situation infinitely worse.

I think this might be the most extreme example of it I've ever heard.

I'm glad SoBS were more understanding.

I think it's interesting that in your dream you found your satchel - symbol of your identity, your cleverness, your intellect and your DH's recognition of it. I think that is very significant somehow.

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 28/09/2015 16:37

Imagining them perpetually shovelling their never ending misery pie and stupidity gravy into their toilet pans and flushing makes me feel a bit better. Thing is, they keep trying to force huge slices of their never ending misery pie onto others. But why? What's the point? Maybe if they stopped handing it out to all and sundry, and getting pissed off when they don't want a slice, they wouldn't have to keep baking more misery pies. I suppose the stupidity gravy has something to do with their reasoning.

*I know I got a bit carried away with pies.

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cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 16:55

You're allowed. Smile

How long is this benighted property sale likely to take if you're still involved in it? (I'm wondering how long it's going to be before you can really go NC if you wish.)

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 28/09/2015 17:07

Ah Cozie, I wish I knew. Silly people bought it off plan from a property developer without Title Deeds, and have been waiting years to get the Deeds. At least that seems to be on the verge of happening. They'll get less than half they paid for it.

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Original poster
RubbishMantra · 28/09/2015 17:16

Oh, and the misery pie and stupidity gravy is seasoned with a large sprinkling of entitlement.

Makes garlic tramp feet seem appetising, doesn't it.

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cozietoesie · 28/09/2015 18:40

It sounds like a Spanish property deal..... If so, have they mentioned you going across there with the stuffed brown paper envelope for the local Mayor, yet? Grin

If they do, presumably in a roundabout way, REFUSE! (My own strong view is that you shouldn't be involved in this at all, anyway, and that you should contact their solicitor right away to formally pull yourself out of any involvement - but I'm on damage limitation now.Wink)

cozietoesie · 29/09/2015 10:37

Hope you got some sleep last night.

Corygal · 29/09/2015 11:25

How are you this am M? Me and Mr C on sofa doing admin.

cozietoesie · 29/09/2015 11:49

Well that's a new name for it, Cory. Wink

(Seniorboy is elderly enough that he can just say 'snooze time' and stare down anyone who gives him a look. Grin)

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 29/09/2015 17:29

Feeling a bit listless and depressed. Sleeping's got bad, it was OK for a while, now It's like 1 or 2 hour naps. It feels really lonely switching the light off to turn over to go to sleep, so instead I'm just sort of dozing through the night, sitting up in bed with the light on. And I wake up all anxious and shaky, then the mind starts racing even before I open my eyes. Even the cats are getting on my nerves a bit, which makes me feel bad. MCat's taken to sleeping curled right into me, and every time he starts washing himself, he wakes me up. Usually I'm a very deep sleeper.

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goddessofsmallthings · 29/09/2015 17:48

Lack of proper sleep is no doubt contributing to the feelings of listlessness and depression you're experiencing, Mantra, and it may be time to buy an over the counter remedy such as Nytol, or get a course of mild sleepers from your GP, to get your usual sleep pattern back on track.

My feline co-sleepers are extremely considerate as they'll stay inactive on my bed for as long as I am and don't disturb me or try to wake me up even when they're hungry, whereas next door's moggy has to be kept well away from the bedroom at night as he'll start caterwauling at 2 or 3am if his food bowls are empty.

cozietoesie · 29/09/2015 18:38

I'm not surprised, Mantra. You've been through so much - and there may even be some delayed shock setting in. Sleep when you can - even naps during the day are good if you feel tired (and the cats will love it) - and keep a bad movie or book etc on hand to look at at night if you don't actually feel tired. Maybe your GP can help with getting your sleeping back on track as goddess said. Your call on the timing of that one.

Another thing is to check that you're eating OK. Your diet probably hasn't been too balanced over the last while and you could well be low on certain nutrients. (I'm not one to say 'Eat some xxxx and it will sort all your ills' but low levels of certain things can certainly affect you. (Just think of taurine deficiency in cats.)) How is the dietary intake at the moment?

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 29/09/2015 19:43

Diet's been a bit crap really cozie, mostly soup and sandwiches. Been supplementing it with avocados and tinned sweetcorn mixed with mayonnaise. I don't know what I'd do without mayo. Oh, and prawns. And I've re-discovered bacon. So not so bad actually, just not much volume. Trying to remember to take supplements. Even they make me cry when I look at them, because DLH bought them for me. I sound pathetic don't I. Sad

Tried some sleepy pills prescribed from the doc, and didn't much care for them. They didn't help me sleep, just made me feel like a zombie the next day. I know what my body needs is exercise and fresh air, but feel so listless, so catch 22... Maybe I'll try Nytol. They're antihistimine aren't they?

My cat-faces are usually considerate Goddess, I think MCat's trying to comfort me. Little Monsieur will jump on me whilst I'm sleeping if he wants entertaining. I was pleading with them earlier to stop following me about, to just give me a bit of space.

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cozietoesie · 29/09/2015 19:55

No - you don't sound pathetic. You sound as if you're doing better than I would. The diet is .......better than nothing, I suppose, but you need to get some fresh fruit and veg into it in some way. And check your iron levels - I have no justification for saying that other than some instinct.

How often have you been outside the house?