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Bereavement

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DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

981 replies

RubbishMantra · 04/08/2015 03:16

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

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CheezyBlasters · 18/09/2015 02:12

Sorry!
I have experience of a rubbish mother too. It's a fuck up.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/09/2015 02:13

I honestly think the sol has no need for a death cert - I think that's just Bitchy McBitchface being nosey and wanting one for herself. Why on earth would they need it? He wasn't on the deeds, was he? (OK, if he was, that might be why)

You presumably know who the sols are though - can you not look up their phone number and talk to them direct? This just smells SO Fishy to me, and as though she's selling you a line...

RubbishMantra · 18/09/2015 02:32

No, Thumb, he isn't on the deeds. I'm just going to let toilet seat parents get on with it. They can flap away to their heart's content. It was the imperious way in which tsm told me what to do that got me a bit Angry Sad

Thank you for hearing me rant. I'm staggered at how beautiful and kind people are.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/09/2015 02:52

Oh totally understandable. She's quite unbelievably foul.

Always hear to listen to you rant and offer up comfort and kind words. Hopefully a bit of light relief occasionally - are you a Simon's Cat fan?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/09/2015 03:03

OMG, I don't know what's wrong with me - "always hear..." - here! I swear I'm getting stupider as I get older :(

RubbishMantra · 18/09/2015 03:17

Ha, no grammar police here. Didn't even't notice. If a body is kind enuff to reply to a body's post, then why would I be a dick and pick holes?

I fucking LOVE Simon's Cat. So did DLH

Do you know about Henri?. the angsty philophising cat?

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/09/2015 03:19

No don't worry, it's my own inner grammar polizei having a bit of a fit about it. Grin

No, I've never seen Henri before, he's superb! Thank you :)

goddessofsmallthings · 18/09/2015 03:20

Your tsm's demand is as grossly insensitive as it is intrusive and even if you are to be named on the deeds of whatever property the solicitor is dealing with, it's highly unlikely that you would required to hand over a document that will no doubt become deeply personal to you - given what it signifies, of course you won't treasure it but you will want to keep it away from the prying eyes of those who have no right to view it.

In any event, you can head the old bitch tsm off at the pass by truthfully telling her that, although the Coroner's Office issued permission for you to organise DLH's funeral, you will not be in receipt of the death certificate until after the Inquest and hell will freeze over before you show or hand it to her.

The brass nerve of the woman!!! Fortunately, as with so many of her ilk, she's as lacking in the intellectual ability to get one over on others as she is in empathy and you'll never have a problem seeing her off.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/09/2015 04:04

Well to be fair, you usually get more than one copy of it from the Registry office when you go to notify them of the death - they asked Dad how many copies he wanted (you get them free at first point of contact, and then I think copies are something like £3 each later) and suggested he took at least 10, for various bodies like banks, DVLA, the funeral people and anyone else who needed notifying.

But yes. Not something that your mother needs, I'm sure. And I'm sure Goddess is right about you not getting the final one until after the Inquest.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/09/2015 07:46

In circumstances where it is deemed necessary for an Inquest to be held, a death cannot be registered until the proceedings have been concluded at which time the Coroner forwards the necessary information to the Registrar to enable the certificate to be issued - to the best of my knowledge, copy certificates currently cost £4 each when issued at the time of registration and considerably more thereafter.

In the interim, the Coroner can issue permission for a funeral to take place and provide a Certificate of the Fact of Death which can be used to notify government agencies, banks, insurances companies, etc and, where relevant, apply for probate.

So, tsm is stymied and there's fuck all nothing she can do about it. I'm no fan of bureaucracy, but on this occasion I'll raise a glass to it Wine cheers me dears Smile

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/09/2015 08:10

I don't see why the solicitor requested it though. It seems very odd and intrusive.

cozietoesie · 18/09/2015 09:49

Leaving aside pure bloody-mindedness, I can think, offhand, of several reasons why the TSM might want your DLH's death certificate in connection with an overseas property sale and all would spark the interest of The Revenue. I'd tell her to get stuffed, frankly. (Or at the very least, contact her solicitor to find out what's really going on.)

Just remember - she doesn't have your interests at heart. You should not have been managing this sale in any case and particularly not now.

Hope the prawns were good and stayed down. (In your stomach and not those of the cats.)

I love Henri by the way. 'The white idiot bolting cheeseburgers' (or similar) has remained with me always.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/09/2015 10:39

Cool, thanks Goddess - seems things have changed a bit since Mum died in 2007 then. We definitely didn't have to pay for the initial lot of certs (no Inquest, straightforward registration) but were warned that it would be £3 each if we needed more after.

I'm a little confused now Mantra - how can she have got you to organise the sale of the overseas property, without putting you in touch with the sols? Is she just trying to create problems? Surely it would have made more sense for you to deal with them directly? Just another instance of her painfulness, I guess. :(

shovetheholly · 18/09/2015 11:08

God, they are REALLY attention-seeking aren't they. You know what it's like? It's like they cannot bear the emotional pressure of having to think that there are other people in the world other than them. That you might be in infinite pain compared to a stupid bruised hip.

I cannot see why their solicitor should need the death certificate. Frankly - and I am judging by my own parent's standards of self-absorbtion here - I wonder if they just want to show it to all their friends and be the centre of attention. While they totally ignore you, their daughter, who is in need of support.

(It's not the same thing, not nearly as bad in fact, but when I got divorced, my parents took it as a pile of anxiety that I was dumping on them. It wasn't about me - it was all about them. They did absolutely nothing to support me - even though I was having to sleep in my car for a bit - but the whole thing was a gigantic emotional burden on them. And they kept in close contact with my exP, even though he was irrational, threatening, and violent. Some parents are just SHIT!!)

I got Grewellypoo when I moved into a London flat as a student. It had been empty for six weeks and it smelt just awful. I was trying to find the source of the smell and managed to work out it was something in the bedroom. Under the bed, there was this pile of fur - and I then realised it was a cat! I thought it was dead, but as I pulled it out, sack of bones as it was, it opened an eye. I was quite young and had never been responsible for anyone else before, and I wasn't allowed pets - so I told myself I would try to save him and then take him to the RSPCA. I spent the next 4 days feeding him water and watered-down catfood out of a syringe ever 3 hours day and night. Of course, by the end of that time, I had completely fallen in love with him and couldn't be parted from him.

When I rang my landlord to tell him that there was a cat in the flat he said "Oh I know, he was abandoned by the last owner. His name is Growler". He had just left him there to die! So he couldn't really object when I said I was adopting him. He was called Growler because he was the cat of an arsehole DJ who used to frighten him and he would growl like a dog whenever he was afraid - so when something unusual happened e.g. someone knocking at the door you would get this 'RRRRRRRRRR' noise. I struggled to call him 'Growler' because of that history. From the moment I met him he did nothing but eat or obsess about food for about 18 months. So he ballooned from skin and bones into a massive, fat bruiser of a moggie who very much ruled the roost - at which point I started to call him Grewellypoo because it seemed so incongruous for this huge, swaggering beastie. He's a black tuxedo cat and I bought him a very girly pink bow to wear, which seemed to complete the effect. Grin

cozietoesie · 18/09/2015 11:36

...Some parents are just SHIT!!...

Just so, shove.

(Wonderful background on Grewellypoo by the way.)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/09/2015 14:28

Love the story of Grewellypoo! Shock that he was left to die though, that's foul Angry - so glad you found him.

And yes, some parents are just shit - and some are so self-absorbed that they can't think outside of themselves and how everything relates to them.

My mother wasn't anything like as bad but there are a few doozies she came out with - my "favourite" was when my fiancé left me for another woman, and she said to me "It's like when I lost the baby..." No mum. No, it's nothing like that at all. But with hindsight, I suppose it was her only point of reference for a major loss - and she no doubt had many issues related to it - but at the time it was felt like "yes, make it all about your feelings again, why don't you". (We could never have anything wrong with us that she hadn't had worse Hmm)

RubbishMantra · 18/09/2015 17:16

I too get angry when people tell me what my own experiences are like, Thumb. Our mothers sound a lot alike. Self absorbed narcs?

The story of Grewellypoo has cheered the soul, Shove. You saved his life, and have given him a beautiful life! Thank Christ he ended up in your care and not the dick who left him behind.

Re certificate, I only have interim ones for now, until the inquest. I have a dark sense of humour, and I know tsm hasn't told anyone he died by suicide, just that he "died suddenly", because she's ashamed of the way he died. So I've scanned her a copy of the interim certificate that states exactly how he died. When I last spoke to tsm, she even denied that I told her about his schizophrenia! The first time I took DLH up there to meet them, I spent the previous months emailing links to her about schizophrenia, so she would understand.

And Cozie, I only happened upon Henri because of you, when you posted a link on the Litter Tray! So thank you. Smile

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Corygal · 18/09/2015 21:46

Well done M. How has your day been? Mr C's thyroid is up and he has been 'a little frisky'. Screaming for meals non-stop, jumping on my lumpen form while asleep, attacking my head, etc. Had to be lifted up! He doesn't like it, he knows it's the only discipline he ever gets though.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/09/2015 02:53

I wouldn't go so far as to say my mum was a narc, although she was very self-centred - but she definitely had Ishoos. I don't want to derail your thread by going on about her, but the loss of her second baby was woefully mishandled by all concerned (although relatively normal back then, I suppose :( ) and I never realised how badly it would or could have affected her whole life until I had my own, and by then she had died of cancer so I couldn't say anything to her. I had a lot of counselling to deal with my feelings of disappointment over not having that motherly sort of mother that others had though - but she was never actively cruel.

RubbishMantra · 19/09/2015 04:47

Cats can be such entitled dickheads at times, can't they C. Mine got a bit out of order today, my fault really, as they hadn't been getting their quota of play-time. MCat was following me everywhere, and racing to park himself under my bum at the speed of light, whenever I was about to sit down. DLH and I always thought he had a fantasy of being squashed. We were also terrified of what a Victor Meldrew of a cat he'll be in his dotage. He really is a proper arse. But our beautiful black and white furry arse. That makes DLH and I sound like Friesian cows doesn't it?

No derailing I'm aware of Thumb. I've spoken about my disappointment with my toilet seats parents a lot in this thread. Not implying that you have toilet seats for parents, mind. I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. I can't even use the M word to describe my tsm.

But...something serendipitous has come out of all this. DLH and I felt Little Monsieur would make a brilliant therapy cat, for people who can't have pets of their own. An acquaintance of mine is starting up such a charity. I'm taking some time out from work, so this will be something to focus my mind on.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/09/2015 06:07

Oh that's brilliant! What a lovely idea - Portapet, almost! I hope LM takes to it kindly. :)

RubbishMantra · 19/09/2015 06:57

Don't ring the Samaritans if you're in a bad place. Sadly, I just gave it another go, and wish I hadn't. I expect they're tired at this time of the morning, but still... She kept forgetting my DH had died, and referring to him as "A parent".

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cozietoesie · 19/09/2015 08:33

Oh Dear.

I can only guess that they fall into the trap of having certain 'patterns' of thought and your own situation is ........far from usual.

Was this you up (appallingly) early or not having gone to sleep at all?

RubbishMantra · 19/09/2015 08:55

Got woken up at 4am Cozie, after falling asleep appallingly late. Some idiots people thought it acceptable to yap and yack right outside my house. I stomped downstairs and slammed the front door to make them go away and yap elsewhere, complete with my angry face. It worked. But by then I was a bit wound up, so sleep not forthcoming. Also have a touch of the raging PMTs, having come off the pill.

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cozietoesie · 19/09/2015 09:10

...Also have a touch of the raging PMTs...

Say no more!

Yes - Friday night is Late Night Revellers' Night - but even during the week, I sometimes wonder what people find to talk about so much?

When I was a kid, if you heard talking in the street from a single person, your first thought was that you had a 'slightly odd person' on your hands but these days, talking to phones all the time is commonplace. I suspect they're giving a blow by blow account of their journey home rather than anything of great moment.

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