DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

The Samaritans are famously trained to "listen". Unfortunately, some volunteers take this to the nth degree and can be less than responsive or empathetic to callers, while others fail to listen before they speak.

It is what it is and it's luck of the draw as to who'll answer your call.

Oh no, sorry you tried them again and they were still crap, Mantra - have you had any luck with Cruse, or those others mentioned at the start of the thread?

Or next time, maybe phone your sis - when my sis was abandoned by her H for an older woman, I told her she could phone me ANY time (and meant it). She phoned me at 2am once, and I went over - admittedly I only lived 15mins from her, but still - and other times just chatted to her when she called in the small hours.

((((HUGS)))) for you lovely - it's hard when you're awake and you don't think anyone else is. xx

Thinking of you this evening.

I haven't tried telephoning Cruse yet Thumb. They're open during office hours, and the time I get the urge to talk is usually at stupid o clock.

I don't know why I keep bashing away at the Samaritans, they're volunteers and staff the phones out of kindness. And I suppose because you can't see their face or body language, their empathy is harder to pick up.

Poor MCat's been walking around the house, yowling into corners again. They must miss him. I feel quite numb today.

If Seniorboy is unsettled (eg when he had his little cerebral incident a couple of years back) I usually play him some bad movies in the early hours. Maybe you could try that for MCat - I don't know why they find them soothing but they seem to.

If you have access to Youtube via a screen (eg on laptop), I'd recommend the Hamish Macbeth series. One of Seniorboy's particular favourites.

Episode 1.

Ouch for the Samaritans thing M, but we are here and we know you. Thinking of you as well.

The cats are bound to be missing DH, but they've got you.

Well done on going for the noisy nuisance - I always get the guilt after I've barked, and I hope you don't.

The only time I got The Guilt for barking C, was when I heard a bloke being noisily sick outside my house. I rushed outside and told him he'd better not be throwing up down the grate to my cellar. He was so nice and polite, wiping his mouth and reassuring me that he'd sicked in the road.

But there was another time... We'd only just moved in, still waiting for the shutters to be fitted. Our house is on the main route from the pubs to the local "nite-club". DLH had gone to bed, and it was about 2am, leaving me and a friend to drunkenly wave our arms about, putting the world to rights. Then we see some lemon, nose pressed against the window, asking to come in "for a chat". I stomped outside and told him to fuck off asked him to leave, and he told me to fuck off! From my own home! Yeah mate, I'll fuck off and give you entrance into my lovely little house. Pmt is giving me a touch of The Rage tonight.

Thank you Cozie, always was fond of Hamish Macbeth. I got well into that, and was most pleased when R. Carlisle became a bit of a movie star. I loved him as Begbie in Trainspotting. Have you ever seen his film "Go Now"?

I'm not sure that I have. I'll keep an eye out for it.

No I haven't. (I've just watched some scenes.) I'll try to catch it.

Well, thanks for that, because it certainly worked for MCat Cozie. He's snoozing away on one of DLH's old fleeces on the bed next to the laptop. I haven't seen him have such a good sleep in a long time. Little Monsieur got a bit boisterous when the music came on, and kept attempting to close the laptop by standing on the lid, then decided to goad MCat into a slapping match. MCat just pinned him down and gave him a wash, and went back to sleep.

The Little Monsieur is now sitting at the window. He gets very excited when motorcycles go by. Typical teen. Oh, and he's wide eyed at the street sweeping vehicle, with all it's flashing lights and beeping noises. I suspect if I asked him what he wants to do When He Grows Up, he'd say he'd want to drive a street sweeper.

MCat's just woken, and climbed onto my lap. Purring his little cat-head off.

I didn't know cats had such terrible taste in TV. You learn something new every day on MN

Though I'll admit that street sweeping vehicles ARE interesting .

Hope you get some sleep too mantra . I see you are going to take some time off work - what are you planning ? Is it fish or cat related ?

Glad it worked - even if only for a little. Welcome to the world of square-eyed-dom.

I have this vision of the small one driving a street sweeper. It's making me hoot with laughter!

Hope you're having a reasonable afternoon, Mantra.

Thinking of you this evening, Mantra.

(Bad movie time is fast approaching.)

Thanks Cozie. I'm now imagining the little lad, wide eyed and excited, a bit like when he runs amok on a steamroller.

I wonder how many people - leaving aside cats - have riding a steamroller on their bucket list? (I've always wanted to sweep around rolling lawns on one of those 'sit-on' lawnmowers but I doubt I'll ever have the opportunity. )

Morning M, how goes it. Am having A Day Off, but I fear the Sally Army calls. My pet tramp has taken to rubbing garlic into his feet to stop infection. What manufacturers calls 'the personal air care effect' throughout the 4-story building leaves one fleeing incontinent.

Actually, the garlic is a really good idea, but I am off to 'ooh look I've found some Savlon in my handbag, try that for now. Right I'll put the kettle on'.

I dunno C, the feet sound a bit like something delicious you might eat at The Fat Duck. Garlic infused tramp feet.

Got a bit down in the dumps at stupid o clock. Feel better today. It seems to come and go.

Massively successful with food yesterday. Avocado, prawns, baguette and paella! Must have been a Big Shock to the system though, because I ran to the bathroom, hand over mouth, and threw up loads of orange bile (sorry if tmi) first thing this morning.

Rubbish - I think it can take a long time for the ole digestive system to settle down, especially when it's been empty for a while. Friend of mine had a bowel obstruction - serious stuff - and couldn't eat for days and it was a few weeks before she was right again. (For the record, I have never seen anyone so glad to do a poo!!)

It's good that you got some food down - your body will have got some goodness out of it in spite of orange bile event this morning!

EW to tramp feet!!

I volunteer as a grief counsellor for the local hospice - I ring people up and talk to them, sometimes just once, sometimes for a year, depending on what they want. I talk to a really big cross-section of people of all ages, all backgrounds, all religious creeds, all socio-economic groups. The one thing that is pretty constant in every single person I speak to is the 'good days and bad days' thing. Though it is also 'good minutes and bad minutes' sometimes! for you.

Thanks Holly, Christ, you're right. Good minutes and bad minutes. I've even laughed since DLH's death, and then snivelling minutes later. But I like to think he's giving me those minutes where I feel light enough to laff a bit.

One morning my Dsis woke up and came downstairs because she heard me laffing, sort of hysterically I suppose. She thought it was hysterical crying.

This is going to sound a bit weird but I believe that we build ourselves - at the most primordial level - around other people. DLH will always be a part of you, not in some kind of mushy and vague sentimental kind of a way, but because when you have had a close bond with someone like that, they are you, at a very deep level of your being. (I don't mean in a psychological way, which would be engulfing and unhealthy, but at the level of being or 'ontology' (to be pretentious ), which comes before it). And he will never leave you at that level: he will always be absolutely there.

There is nothing at all wrong with being spiritual, but you don't even have to be to think that he is very much giving you those minutes where there is some uplift and just a chink of light. I think that he is there, because he is you - he is part of the answer to your questions about who you are - and he would want you to be happy.

wailing with M at Heston's Pieds de Clochards. In a Waitrose near you at Xmas.

I shamelessly bailed on the Sally Army & dear old X with the Feet because the weather was ghastly and went to TK Maxx instead.

What did you do today? I can't send you an Amazon ticket for some books because I need your own email. PM me if you have a mo.

Well done on the food yesterday - and don't worry overmuch about the throwing up but just keep on through it. The system will get the message eventually.

I take it the parentals (of either persuasion) haven't been in touch?

Talking of Super Star Chefs C, I like to imagine Jamie Oliver taking a meat tenderiser to his own legs and roasting them. And saying in an old perv's voice "Taste my difference!"

What you say resonates holly. I used to say to him "how many lifetimes have we been looking for each other." But now I think, well he must have wanted to get away from me, even though my rational brain tells me it was his illness that killed him.

Nothing from the toilet seats for a month cozie, apart from a couple of curt demands for various things via email. At least I won't feel any guilt on not attending their funerals, eh?