DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

I think that ashes are just that, ashes. They are the last physical remains of your LH - but they aren't him. All that made him him is now in the ether somewhere.

Have you ever watched Cocoon? It was the film that most attracted me in the spiritual sense - when the old folks' souls turn into little blue lights and float away up into the sky - it really resonated with me as being how I feel about things. What's left is just the outer casing - and now you have just the ashes of the outer casing - but your LH is out there communing with the universe somewhere.

Your parents, well. No words. I like your email though.

Well maybe not uncontrollably, Cozie, but a wry smile and snigger. His friends said he rarely smiled or laffed before he met me. But somebody pointed out to me, that wherever he is, floating in the atmosphere, his illness won't be part of him anymore, and no longer medicated, so he may well be laving a good old belly laugh.

And yes, I've come to realise that my parents are vicious people, so minimal contact with them from now on. I think they're really pissed off with me, because LH came from a fairly affluent family, and they could boast to their neighbours. They even refer to my college as a university. Hyacinth Bucket ring any bells? I'm sorry you have such dickish parents as well Fluffy. Crap innit?

And thank you both for reassuring me about LH's ashes. I expected to react to them the same way I did when I went to see LH's body after he'd died, or how I felt at his Service.

Once, when we were having a difficult time, not with each other but from outside influences, others not respecting our boundaries. I said to him, "You're a light house. You can warn of the dangers of crashing into the rocks surrounding you. You can't move the rocks even if you wanted to, they just are". And then I found this amazing little silver light house charm, that opened up to show the light house keeper, which I bought for him. I put that in his pocket, when I saw him at the funeral home. I managed to find a replica of it, so I now have one too. It just arrived, which has lifted the spirits a tad.

Random, that lighthouse analogy is lovely.
I hope your charm brings you comfort.

Mantra you poor sweet darling thing, I've spent the night crying and actually sometimes laughing over this beautiful thread.
God, I've got no words! You've made ME fall in love with him! I feel sorry for everyone who never got to meet him.. What an inexpressible hole you must feel.. Agree with the lady who said that most people just cannot have been loved as he was. You didn't even need children - just each other.
Your description of him and your life together is pure poetry and I just think you are the absolute bestest to carry on.
You've sure as hell been through it mantra, the endless string of incompetent/thoughtless morons/witches you've come across have horrified me. How on Earth did your dreadful mother bring up such a one off special human?! That email you wrote her! It's fucking tragic! But oh god, to feel like that about him is incredible, you put it in such a way that I can almost feel your love and your heartbreak. I adore "your" songs, I can picture you together.. It's extraordinary (I'm new :/
I, along with everyone else am rooting for you and hope that one day you stop hurting enough to remember him and smile... It's the most fabulous love and terrible loss, oh mantra I wish I could hug you. You are such a treasure to the world and when you are able to live again, you are going to change lives. People who are where you and your BB have been.
Of course you can't bare life yet, just carry on making it through the day, don't look up, not yet, stay in bed with your boys and just don't look up.
Do anything you need to get to tomorrowAnything
FWIW - I've been "pure conciseness" twice, (oh cringe) so I can at least comfort myself Knowing you will be together again. I know it's impossible to take someone's word for it, can't be believed until it's been experienced. Ah looksie, I found some words I do hope it doesn't come across as though I find your world caving in entertaining.. I'm rather inarticulate, and have lousy vocab, but I had to post. I'll never forget this thread, or you and your wonderful "little hubbie". You're just so so wonderful xxxxx [voddy]

Thinking of you Mantra.

It just occurred to me that - although it's not a priority for you at the moment - you might actually find it interesting to read some of the Stately Homes thread given your shitty parents' treatment of you. Something to do in the wee small hours while the boys are snoring away.

Mantra, I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your beloved DH. He sounds, you both sounds, like very special people.

I've read through thread, trying to decide if my input would be helpful. The circumstances around death and the particulars of mental health are very individual and personal that there is no one 'it happens like this and this is what it feels like' but since you are still tormented by the idea that you could have or should have stopped him or seen it coming I though I would add my perspective.

I had post natal depression with my second child that was untreated (I was just on waiting lists the whole time as I didn't present in a way that fitted with their model of who was at risk), after my third child it came back very suddenly and heavily. I knew I wasn't doing well and I had flagged myself up as being at risk but when I become very unwell it was very swift. I woke up early and I 'knew' that I was a terrible mother and doing terrible, untold damage to my children and I ran out of the house. As it was early I didn't want to phone anyone for help (which, in a sane frame of mind, is silly because if they knew my friends would have wanted me to call them), the desperation felt completely uncontainable, I was in so much pain and didn't know how to make it stop. I ran along the side of an dual carriage way and then crossed the bridge over it but stopped about 3/4 of the way along and the thought entered my head that I should jump. I hadn't had any thoughts of killing myself or planned to do so but that thought was so compelling that I felt a huge physical urge to jump. It was terrifying. It felt like a split second decision that could have gone either way. No one could have seen that outcome at that point because I wasn't suicidal until that point, just very unwell. The reason I wanted to tell you say because people don't always plan suicide, sometimes it's something that happens in that terrible black fog of mental illness, at that particular point in time. So there may well have been no way to stop your DH, no signs that you missed because he wasn't in that place in until the crucial point.

I know you must know, objectively, that your 'friend' is jealous/narcissistic/a horrendous person. She just is wrong, she didn't know him in the way she thinks she did and she didn't know your relationship, she has no actual idea how ok he was or wasn't in the years before you. Only he knew. It sounds much more likely, to me, that you gave him something incredibly special, that as difficult as his life was he had beautiful years of love with you. People can live a very long time and never experience that. It's precious. It's not fair, what has happen to you. It's rubbish and unfair but it's not your fault and it's not his fault

You're anything but inarticulate Playnicely I had a bit of a snotty snivel when I read your post, but in a good way. Thank you for your lovely words. I think my parent's marriage taught me what a loving marriage shouldn't look like. They don't even like each other. DLH was my best mate.

Cozie, I've dipped in and out of the stately homes thread, but read lots of it.

Misnomer, thank you for writing about your experiences with your MH. I can now understand more the frame of mind my DLH was in. The way his death happened showed he hadn't planned it. But looking back, I realise he'd been thinking about it. He'd seen his MH worker at least twice during the psychotic episode leading to his death. Even spoke to the crisis team, as did I, the day before. I wish I could do something about our shit MH services here, but how?

I can't take credit for the light house metaphor, Rooster, a very wise and compassionate person gave me that image. I like to pass it on because it resonated with me.

And yes Thumb, I've seen that film. And I like the idea of us becoming some kind of energy, at one with everything, blended with it.

I used to say to DLH that MCat was part of his soul, or beingness that had splintered off at some point in time. They both shared a love of angst and coffee.

Thank you for that post, Misnomer. I found it very moving.

How was it with your friend's visit, Mantra?

Thinking of you, Mantra.

Was really good to see my friend Cozie I even laffed.

I'm glad you enjoyed her visit.

But I'm a bit fucked off that the parentals haven't even bothered to email to just see how I'm doing. They know dear LH's ashes came on Friday. I last spoke to them almost a week ago, when I telephoned them. I forgot to thank mother for my belated birthday card, so she's probably feeling a tad resentful. It actually said "Happy Birthday", with a picture of a pink, glittery strappy stiletto. And when I opened it, I saw she'd put loads of glittery stickers inside the thing. She actually sent the thing to me the day after DLH's funeral.

Fucking witch.
No really, what a thing to do

Maybe you should send her a wreath for her birthday? Or is that too evil and stooping to her level?

Glad you had nice time and some laffs with your friend though :)

That is completely insensitive isn't it? I'd told people I'm ignoring my birthday this year. If she really felt the need to send a card, it could have been a blank one. She forgot our 1st anniversary last year.

She is so getting sporadic photographs of penises in shoes. I'm going to travel the world, getting random strangers to put their penis in a shoe. And send them to her, like post cards. I love saying the phrase "penis in a shoe". Thank you Fugghetaboutit, you have enriched my life.

That's an ace plan, Mantra - truly is!

Mantra - your mother sounds either distrubed or malicious . No adult could possibly think it was appropriate to send such a card , really they couldn't .

You' would send a blank cards with flowers / landscape picture and write suitable words inside .

I can imagine a 7 or 8 year old saying " this is pretty , I'll send it to cheer her up "and writing " sorry your husband died " inside . Simply because they don't understand how adults process grief.

I can only assume that your mother has no empathy . She's so narcissistic , your loss doesn't count because it's not happened to her. It's not real.

Your parents are no-hopers, Mantra - you knew it before so this has just been pouring salt in the wound. Some changes coming down for you in a while I suspect?

Has your Sis been in touch?

But the most horrible thing is Kr1stina, she says "he's like a son to her", and that his death has affected her terribly. She only met him once. Couldn't be arsed to attend DLH's funeral, or even send flowers. But she sent flowers eventually, after asking me if I could send flowers on her behalf. Apparently it was "too traumatic", and she'd spent 7 hours on the phone trying to order them. I even sent her the links and telephone numbers of internet florists. I wouldn't have minded paying for them myself, but I just wanted her to do something.

DLH never said anything horrible about anyone, but he'd say that my parents must be incredibly miserable if they want to hand out so many portions of misery.

Yes Cozie,You're right. Surely folk must realise when they're being so incredibly vicious?

DSis been there for me, in quite an awesome way. See, we weren't brought up to be a close-knit family, yet berated by the parents for not being closer. Because we're all fairly strident women, the female parental thinks we're a threat when we are together.

Honestly M, your parents are the giddy limit. While I agree with DH that they must be sad, I don't care much what lies behind their behaviour - what matters more is limiting the damage they cause.

I'm with Cozie on this one, that you probably aren't going to get much of benefit for staying in touch with them, but I'm seconding her saying don't do anything drastic yet.

IMO arm's length contact is much easier and less scene-making than cutting ties, which is melodramatic and allows them to make more of a screaming fuss than they do normally. For now, answerphone and that's it. Stick with DSIS.

Now I think about it, DM has probably got some hideous personality disorder which means that a) she won't change b) get out quick c) she really won't change, keep running.

...Surely folk must realise when they're being so incredibly vicious?...

I can't speak from inside their minds but from experience, I'd say that they likely and genuinely just don't see it - the more extreme examples are so almost completely self-centred that the rest of the world could largely be little passing wisps of mist for all they cared. Only useful for adoration purposes and for reflecting back the person on to themselves - where they're most at home. (Sorry for the mixed descriptions there - I'm thinking on the hoof.)

I'm glad your Sis has been a brick though.

Insight is the big one - I don't know what people with personality disorders do and don't see, cozie, but without either having or getting insight into a disorder they're write-offs, that I do know. Ugh. Get out, stay out only solution.

M if it's any help, I have just done a little dance of rage to Suede on your behalf. I might PM you my favourite swearword, Dad learned it on national service. Helps.

...Dad learned it on national service...

Oh My.