DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

I've never known a cat to like booze. Excellent christmas tradition.

M are you there? Thinking of you.

Here I am C feeling cheered at my grocery delivery. There is some actual food amongst the fags and liquor. I am going to give Chianti beef with rosemary potatoes a go. Ready meal obviously. Living it Large.

Neither of my boys are keen on alcohol, but introduce a frappuccino into the mix and all hell breaks loose...

Mine are a milk (lacto-free) and water bunch but they've been spending so much time in the garden over what passes for a Brit summer that I wouldn't be surprised if they've got a still in the shed.

Ready meals are the way to go and if it looks to be a daunting amount, divide it in half and put the remainer in the fridge for another day.

Take it a minute, an hour, or a day at a time, Mantra; go with the flow and the river of grief will carry you to the occasional sandbank where you'll have a brief respite from its turbulent waters.

Ooh M that sounds rather good, as it happens. Slaver, chianti beeef.

Apols for the diversion re Coping With A Drunken Pet. Mind you I haven't even started on The Big O and his narcotics problem (our family ginger cat when I was growing up, vast bright orange tom.) He got rheumatism aged 14 and when my brother, same age, turned up with all his awful little mates and get stoned watching horror films while the parents slumbered, the Big O shot off their bed and scuttled downstairs to inhale as much as he could to ease his stiff paws.

Just like the other boys, he lay on his back eyes half-closed in the fug, sighing, and watching the telly unseeingly. At 7am he swayed back up the stairs and swiped my dad in the face, often missing, asking for biscuits. Then settled on my head for a snuggle, quite something given the animal weighed 2 stone and was profoundly intoxicated.

I loathe skunk usually - nasty little trickster - but I have to admit it did the Big O nothing but good.

Have you tried going to bed early? I don't know whether the pain is worst late or not. Why not give it a go. Put an extra quilt on. You can always nip in with a refreshing drink and some shit printed matter to flick at.

Once you're in bed, you are no longer on duty. You owe nothing to no one, as they say. You have temporarily stopped the world to get off. With your cats.

Try and get some rest, dearling. I must go as the PC battery light is going off like a Catherine Wheel.

If I'm honest, C, I've been spending a great deal of time in my bed. It's where I feel safest. I find mornings the worst, because sometimes for a split second I forget. Like when my dsis was here, I heard her moving about and thought it was DH, then the horrible shock when I realised it couldn't possibly be him.

The little Monsieur has been annoying entertaining me this morning though, chasing a bit of down from my duvet. He eventually ate it. He has a thing called pica, where he's compelled to eat fluffy things, like wool. When the winter Uggs come out they have to be hidden away. The sheepskin rug had to be given away. He even eats random bits of fluff off the carpet. I've put in a photo of him giving his salutations to this morning's sun.

I didn't think to divide my dinner in half Goddess, and slid the tray with the remains on it under my bed . Like your spag bol situation, the beef and sauce have mysteriously disappeared by this morning. Just the spotlessly clean potatoes remain.

So not feeling so bad this morning, and have a good friend coming to see me later. Not the shit friend, just in case you're wondering. The sun's even shining a bit.

Bed and ready meals are both good for the soul in my book. You managed to keep down at least some of the beef in chianti then?

I did keep it down, Cozie. And the boys munched the rest, after I fell asleep.

Had a bit of a snivell today, but MCat is luxuriating in a shaft of sunlight and his beautiful fur is all glossy. Little M came and folded himself up next to me. Funny little creature, a bomb could go off and he wouldn't wake up.

Remember Cozie, I wrote about his first night away from his mum and litter mates to my fellow litter ladies. I just put him to bed between DH and me, and he slept right through, head on the pillow, under the duvet. He didn't cry once. Just accepted Little Hubby and me as his parents. We woke up, and there was this teeny kitten crashed out between us. We were like "oh man! We finally have him home with us", because we picked him out when he was a only week old, so had a long wait. MCat is making gentle "mmhmm" snorey noises in his sleep.

Little Monsier's just woken up and gone over to ask for a head-wash off MCat. He lowers his head and sort of headbutts his big bro. Bit of fighting ensued. With them, it involves LM looking at MCat, while slowly snapping his jaws. Then MCat slaps him on the forehead a few times, like a mum cat would. LM gets the message to stop being a dick.

Good that you kept it down - right now it's more important to get nutrients etc into the old bod rather than keep anything out, I think.

What time does your friend arrive?

In just over an hour, Cozie I'll have time to bathe, because at the moment I don't really like being in the same room as myself, because I stink. Wouldn't have bothered, but have a few errands to do.

Quite liberating to be able to announce, "Please excuse my stink", when folk come to visit.

Baths always make you feel a bit better, even just a soupcon. If the very thought is a drain, get the towel and clean bra/pants etc out before you get in, so exit remains stress free. You want a nice sit down afterwards too.

How was lunch with friend?

Hi Mantra sorry for the big delay in replying, Bella (one of the pomcats) finally did for my last phone charger. She likes to bite wires and plastic. I don't have internet, just data on my phone.

Mantra, thank you so much for asking hubby to look out for me. That is so very kind of you, and I have felt more hopeful, I went to get a new charger and some cat food today, and ended up staying out all afternoon, I know that doesn't sound exciting, but I have been reluctant to do more than run down to the corner shop for cat food.

Your cat is lovely, well I'm sure they both are. I think they can bring so much comfort (when they are not being buggers).

I also am worried about you Mantra. I think you are doing so well and being so strong, but I can only imagine how hard it is. It's good that you are trying to eat.

Well done for blocking that horrible woman. She sounds totally self obsessed, and all of her behaviour seems quite strange at best and actually cruel at worst. you are better to be away from all that ridiculousness.

I hope you saw your nice friend today and had a good talk/cry whatever you needed.

I'll sign off for now, but I am thinking of you and wishing you peace xx

Lunch was good C, they brought me a ham n cheese sarnie round. Not quite up to being seen in a cafe just now, because I have to shovel the food in at the speed of light, but tiny rabbitty-nibble bites, otherwise stomach gets all fickle and changes it's mind. Got some errands done, clutching my friend's arm, like an elderly frail person. x

And P, nice one for getting out the house and enjoying it enough to stay out for the afternoon. I was actually able to laugh whilst out with my friend. I can imagine people going, "Ooh, get her, cackling over the loss of her husband." I say fuck 'em. It's whatever gets you through the day in a healthy way. Do you have a good, supportive friend to check in with? I don't have many, just the one good solid one is enough. If not, and you're in a rough place, PM me. x

Well done M - and massive congrats on keeping up the laffs quotient. Quite right.

Not so many laffs today. I took a lock of his hair, see, when I went to see him after he died. And you know what locks of hair are like, the individual hairs escape. I didn't want to lose any, so I bound them together with thread, which made me a bit snivelly. He had the most beautiful, thick and wavy hair. Very soft. We would wash each other's hair. My hair's a right bastard to wash, too long and thick, but he seemed to enjoy doing it. Didn't even mind combing the knots out with the tangle teaser afterwards.

So I get out this lock of his hair, and it brings all that back. I loved stroking that hair of his. His ashes are being brought to me tomorrow.

Oh M how fucking awful. Still at least you've got it, and the ashes are on their way. Are you going to scatter them anywhere? Generally one doesn't do it for years/decades mind, but I've always liked the idea of getting the endless freedom one doesn't get as a carbon-based person while alive from being cast to the winds.

We are all made of stars, and all that. So irritating such a profoundly beautiful fact about life & death is reduced to a pop song title, but ultimately more cheering it being widely known, really.

Mr C is sitting next to me radiating purry vibes of healing to you 3. Mind, it's hard to believe he's made of carbon when he's just nicked a whole packet of ham.

I've always scattered ashes on to running water like streams or rivers: just my way and it makes no odds really - water and air both end up round the whole world eventually.

Thinking of you, Mantra.

I like the idea of keeping them, it would give me a focus/something to talk to.

I'm going to put them in the bedside cabinet, on his side of the bed for that reason Fluffy. It 'll be comforting to have him there. I can't leave them out because little Monsieur's a bugger for chucking stuff off surfaces.

Mr C nicking ham again? You'll definitely have to buy a safe to keep it in.

I keep thinking of one of the poems Hubby wrote, years before he met me. Something about being left somewhere, and turning into dust, swirling in the wind and recognising peoples' "countenances and attitudes", (his words). I remember being struck by the loneliness of it when I read it. He wrote so well, really had a way with language.

I think the horror of what's happened to him is fading a bit. But now a dull realisation that life's not going to have much colour or flavour to it anymore, if that makes sense? It'll be drab and bland. You're the bestest, we'd say to each other.

The thought had never entered my head to get married before, just didn't fancy it. We got married, just to be married to each other, if that makes sense. It was fucking amazing saying those vows to each other, and to really mean it. We were both beaming at each other as we said them. We didn't plan on having children, but we had our little family, us and our cats.

You write pretty darn well yourself, Mantra - I get such a good visual from your descriptions.

Have you thought about buying an old-fashioned locket to put LH's lock of hair into? Keep it close, keep it safe - but still be able to look at it when you need to.

Your world is greyed out at the moment because you're still in the very early stages of life after LH - but colour and flavour will come back slowly. Life will never be quite the same, and although some people say that "time heals", it doesn't - it just gives you the ability to learn to live with the new situation.

I'm glad you had a few laughs with your friend - I'm glad you have such a good friend and hope they continue to be there for you and support you. And your blessed little furryboys of course.

When I got my Mum a kitten after I left home, he stayed with me his first night away from his catmama - and I let him stay on the bed with me too. He slept next to me on the pillow, and in the morning I woke to this tiny little paw patting my eyelids to wake me up. He bonded with me so much, that whenever I used to go home to see my family, he'd come running from wherever he was to see me and want to be picked up and hang over my shoulder. God I loved that cat! He was gorgeous. :)

Thank you Thumb. And I like the locket idea, I've already been on Etsy to find the right one, after you suggested it to me. Might take me a while. For my last birthday LH bought me a silver clam shell, that opens up like a locket to reveal a pearl. It looks like a real life clam shell, but dipped in silver

I'm sure I remember you posting on the litter tray about the kitten you got for your mum. My 2 are chasing each other like dervishes about the house right now. They're proper bros, despite the 4 year age difference and being completely unrelated. Little Monsieur drinks out the toilet, while MCat looks on in disgust.

Life will be different of course but that doesn't mean it won't still be good in some way.

How have you been today?

Thinking of you, Mantra.

Strange day yesterday. I expected to feel more at receiving LH's ashes. And that made me start thinking that they weren't his. I'd asked the funeral home to give part of LH's ashes to his family, and I became paranoid that his family had pressured the funeral home into handing ALL of LH's ashes to them, and give me some ashes that weren't LH's. I am just being silly right? That wouldn't be allowed to happen?

Then I ended up laughing like a loon at an email I'd just sent my parents. It said "Thank you for all your kindness, you've been a great comfort to me". It was hilarious, because they haven't bothered to ring once this week. I rang them in bits on Tuesday. I suppose they're still traumatised from organising their own flowers to send to LH's funeral. Thing is, they won't realise I'm taking the piss, and I'm not sure if that makes it funny or sad. They'll pat themselves on the back. They often tell my sisters and I what good parents they are, so the irony will be utterly wasted on them.

I don't think the funeral home would do that.

Your parents sound as bad as mine.

I have never felt much at all on receiving someone's ashes. They've gone - so all the ashes have done is to act as some sort of focus for thinking about them. In fact, I've always felt almost a sense of relief at scattering them, as if I'm finally freeing not only them but also myself. That's just me though.

No - the funeral home wouldn't do that. But even if, by horrible mischance, something had gone wrong and you had been given someone else's ashes how pleasing would it be to give them some room and hospitality for a small while when they might otherwise be neglected?

Always think to yourself 'What would LH have said about it?' (I suspect he'd have laughed almost uncontrollably!)

In their own way, your parents sound just as shitty as some of the 'delightful' characters on the Stately Homes thread. I'm guessing you won't have too much to do with them from now on?