DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

Thank you mantra and wando .

Mantra , it sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected . I understand about having to know things. Because some things you will never know .

Do you keep checking your texts to see if he's send you one ? It's that moment of hope when you hear the phone ping then the disappointment when you see its from some else . Quickly followed by the fear that you might be going mad. Which you're not of course

Haven't been checking my texts, because remembering little Hubby's death smacks me about as soon as I wake up. The day he died though, I sent him numerous texts, just asking if he was OK. The last one I sent him before he died I forgot to put kisses. The next one I was asking Peepipes if he was OK. Then when I tried phoning him, his mobile was switched off. Many more worried texts from me. Last one was after police told me "Good news, he's been found!" (I'd put in a missing person's report by then) His mobile was still switched off. I was told he didn't want to speak to me. I sent him a text admonishing him for that. They omitted to tell me he couldn't speak to me because he'd already been dead for over 24 hours.

He just lit everything up for me. He really was The Bestest Thing Ever. So gentle, sweet and child-like. He was my beautiful little Hubby. He would always kiss me twice, just in case a nuclear holocaust happened, even if I was asleep.

Oh Mantra, I despair at what absolutely crass and insensitive plonkers too many some police officers can be and I'm filled with anger and sorrow that you were needlessly elated with relief only to be devastated by despair. .

No-one who reads this thread will ever forget Peepipes, your beautiful little Hubby whose light was too bright to shine on this earth for long.

I know you don't believe in an afterlife, but I don't think it will be long before you feel 2 gentle kisses when you least expect them.

I am so sorry. Please know it was not anything you did. I lost my boyfriend in similar circumstances over 15 years ago. Just take one day at a time and surround yourself with friends and family. You will get through this and you will come out of it stronger than you every knew you could be.

Bloody hell, that's a bad thing the Police did there. :(

Leeza - for you too.

He was too bright. He showed me how to write a Sonnet. I wrote one for him, that actually said he burned too brightly.

I do believe in an afterlife now. I feel his protection.

He'll always be by your side, Mantra. Your senses will always be overwhelmed by your love for him and you'll meet him in dreams which are far more real than our constricted reality.

They say the brightest stars burn out too soon. But he was full of love and light, as well as the dark stuff by the sound of it - and you were the lucky recipient of the love and light. Such a shame the darkness overwhelmed him. :(

Thank you goddess and Thumb* I think of horrible people on this planet, and why wasn't it them instead?

Funny, Little Monsieur (the curly bloke) keeps rooting around in a box of DH's box collection that his family had delivered to me. Maybe it has a smell of him on them? They're both missing their Dad, showing it in different ways. MCat's bitten me less and Little Monsieur's been more needy. Got a load of Dreamies in for the little blokes.

Still haven't come to terms with it yet, had to put what happened to the back of my head. Poor MCat is wandering around the house yowling into corners. He and DH were bachelors together before DH and I moved in together. They both opened up, like flowers. That's why it took us so long to find a little bro for neurotic MCat. When we came in from work/uni he would yowl at us and come bounding downstairs. And we felt sad that he might have spent some of his day waiting for company. Then we got Little Monsieur, who he hated with a passion at first. Now they're proper brothers.

The age-old question of why this sort of thing doesn't happen to horrible people is a really hard one to deal with.

Some people will believe it's "God's plan", others that it's just random, and others that it's Fate and it's been written this way for years.

Who knows? Too many awful people still manage to live long and healthy lives, too many good people die too soon from disease (including your Little Hubby, because it was his disease that got him :( ) - no one can say why.

All we can do is, eventually, accept it is just the way it is and carry on doing what we do, with that extra little bit of "life learning" that is the pain of loss. But you're not there yet - you're still in the early stages of the process, and one of the things that it is important to remember is that the 5 stages of loss/grief don't happen in a linear fashion (except possibly the last one happening last, which is acceptance).

Do you have an old jumper of your Little Hubby's that you could give to the cats for their own? That might comfort them.

Sorry, not sure my philsophising on this front is any use at all - I know when my Nanna died of a heart attack I spent a long time railing at the situation, wondering why other people got to survive their first heart attack and she didn't; same when my mum died of colon cancer - why her? But there is no why. It just is. :(

(((hugs))) and and

I'm so sorry about your Mum and Nanna, Thumb
Mantracats and I sleep together, in our bed. DH's manky old fleecey hoody is in the bed with us. I haven't washed it. The first time I stayed over at his, he was quite insistent I wear it, so I wouldn't get cold whilst walking the dogs. It had mustard, cheese, fried onion and sausage stains all down the front. He was proud of his love for that sandwich. In fact looked very pleased with himself after he'd eaten one.

Not much sleep. Don't know what to do really. Shittest thing ever if I'm to be honest. Obviously not as shit as was for him. How could the Bestest Thing Ever deprive the world from his presence. Shouted at him. Normal?

I don't see why not. Who wouldn't be angry?.

Entirely normal. You want to run after him and kick his arse right back to earth ... and I'm so sorry you can't, honey

Of course it's normal. If you want to shout some more (I would) get a pillow, punch the shit out of it, and scream into it.

Very normal, very. Of course you're angry and sad and mad and angry again. It IS shit. It's shit because he's out of it now and you're left to deal with it.

You can deal with it - it just doesn't always feel like it.

Can you meet up with anyone who will just let you "be" today? If not, just spend a duvet day with the cats. xx

And thank you for kind sympathy - was quite a few years ago now, so not nearly as raw.

Woke up shivering again. Had a rant. Strange, spent almost the last 24hrs asleep. Kept thinking, "right, get some food", even defrosted some prawns. Just couldn't stay awake. Very odd.

It's delayed shock. Your body needs rest and so does your mind. Sleep is healing - get as much as you can and if you don't fancy those defrosted prawns, your feline companions will.

I may not post here very often but you're never far from my thoughts, Mantra.

Unfortunately the felines don't recognise prawns as food, goddess.

A mate's coming round in a bit, so I'll be distracted enough to make some luncheon to munch on.

Mine do. Even when they're way out in the garden I can't say the p word or there'll be a stampede through the flap, so I refer to them as p's which causes confusion for any guests who are expecting a pea sandwich or cocktail

DS2 is like your felines, Mantra - he ate prawns once and was very sick afterwards. And then a while later, we went to the UK and the night before, DS1 asked for his favourite meal that Daddy cooks, which is seafood pasta. I was dubious, so removed all prawns from DS2's meal before he ate it, which he did. Next day, on the fecking plane, Ds2 had what appeared to be an all-limbs allergy type skin wheal-and-flare reaction, which was, um, exciting.
We had to see a doctor at Singapore to get a "fit to fly" certificate (which we did, and some liquid piriton just in case).
So I assumed he was allergic to prawns - but when he got tested, a few months later (took that long to see an immunologist) he was negative - immunologist thought that maybe it was a one-off viral reaction (apparently that can happen - skin reacts instead of normal immune reaction, so you don't get the temp or anything else you'd expect with a virus)

Still won't eat prawns though. Which is dreadfully un-Australian of him!

goddess is right about the shock/shivering/sleepy thing. Best thing you can do for yourself is just go with what your bod/mind need to do just now, give yourself a complete break.
I'm glad you have a friend around - hope lunch is nice. :)

All sleep to be welcomed. It's fine to hit the pit for a few days, I would, plus the kitties love it.

Thinking of you, Mantra.

Hope you managed to get a few hours sleep and have some food. Do you have people coming in the week?

My cats are fussy sods too. They like tuna and chicken and ham but not mince, pilchards or sardines. Luckily the dogs like everything and scoff anything their highnesses have turned their noses up at.