DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

It's been a month now. It's gone by so fast, strange, because of the saying "time flies when you're having fun."

I seem to be on the snot-gobbler diet, ( I get sinus infections when life is shit) But the boys on Applaws and Cosma. Nicer than snot, which is like raw egg yolk in my throat. My black and white feline bloke stole half a scotch egg off my DSis the night before she left. He sniffed and mouthed it for at least 20 minutes before he decided he wanted it all for himself. Only the sausagey bit mind. The egg and breadcrumbs were left on the rug.

I've begun to sleep very deeply, and for long periods of time. Over 24 hours yesterday, on and off. Sorry if I'm repeating myself.

My furry friends clamour for spaghetti bolognese and when I oblige they manage to remove every bit of sauce leaving pristine spag in their bowls. I think they have a secret stock of straws somewhere.

Your world has turned upside down, you're emotionally drained, and your mind is in turmoil. Your body knows that sleep will help you recuperate from the massive trauma you've sustained - don't fight it.

Repeat yourself all you want, honey... you'll need to repeat it over and over before you can start beginning to come to terms with it, not that you ever will entirely succeed in doing so.

Sleep is healing, it's a good thing. Give into it.

Can't believe it's been a month - a whole month already. Time is so elastic though - this one's shot past because you've had so much to organise and do, the next one might go slower.

Cats are funny about eating only the bits they like, aren't they?

An ex had labradors (dogs, I know) and one of them once got into a room they weren't supposed to be in, and snaffled all the chocolates out of the box that had been left on the coffee table. Thing was though, that the lid had been left on and was replaced - and the chocolates were all in individual paper cups, none of which were removed. Clever dog!

See, our 2nd wedding anniversary is coming up soon. He could have divorced me if he hated living with me? I'm a trainee psychotherapist. I should have tried harder to get through, I knew things weren't right. I'd never experienced DH during a psychotic episode, and the fucking mental health team, when I voiced my concerns the day before he died, said "ooh, these things usually work themselves out." Fucking arseholes. My fault though. I should have been more strident. Just their job, isn't it.

Should have insisted he went to hospital, but I'd promised I'd never do that against his wishes, didn't want to ruin his trust in me. We talked about it in those last few weeks. He said hospital would make everything worse, not better. How I wish I hadn't listened to him. At least he'd have been safe. I didn't imagine for one second he'd do what he did.

He absolutely didn't hate living with you. He loved you. He loved you so much he didn't want you to go through the pain of living with him while he was in so much pain. He didn't think that living without him would be worse, he didn't process that.

You put your faith in the MH team, they fucked up. I hope, when you've got a bit more strength, that you take them to task over this, in LH's memory - because they failed him. You were there for him, you supported his wishes, you were not the expert in this (and trust me, even if you had been his psychiatrist, you could still have missed it, because he knew better how to hide it from you than anyone else) - he loved you and he knew you loved him and did what he asked.

This came from his pain, his need to stop the pain for everyone, as he thought. This was his illness talking. Experts should have realised more, they should have taken more care - they had a duty to take more care.

Your 2nd wedding anniversary is probably going to be the worst of the "year of days" that you have to get through - there are the birthdays, Christmas, anniversary of the day you met, Valentine's Day (don't even get me started on that one) and so on. But this one will hurt, and that's normal, and ok.

And another thing - hospital doesn't always keep people safe either. I don't want to turn this into a "competitive" situation at all, but I will say this one thing: I knew a lad who developed paranoid schizophrenia after a bad drug-laden party (not sure whether the drugs were to blame or not but it was a very strong coincidence if not!) and he went to hospital. He was on 24h suicide watch because his voices told him he was evil and had to die - and they still lost him, for 5 mins, from the canteen, during which time he managed to get to the roof and jump off.

So even if you had got him into hospital, and, as you say, broken his trust in you, it may not have worked. :(

There are no "what ifs" that will help your LH now, nor you - only thing you can do is try to highlight the failings of the system so that no one else has to go through what you are now, for these reasons.
And right now, no one would blame you for not feeling up to it.

(((hugs))) x

Hi it's name changing stay.cey here.

You're a psychotherapist , not a psychiatrist . You don't have the training or experience to deal with psychosis . You know that and I know that . I wish that love were enough but it's not . It should be. But it's not .

And you know that you can't " get through " because he wasn't thinking clearly - he was ill . All your skills are useless when faced with scrambled brains which don't process anything logically .

I try to avoid childbirth threads here on MN but sometimes I get sucked in. I read posts where MNers say they were in so much pain they tried to throw themselves out the window during labour. Some thought about it , other tried and had to be restrained ( hard to leap anywhere I expect ) .

This makes no sense. Why would anyone in perfect health , having a much loved and wanted baby , try to kill themselves and their baby right in front of their partner ??? It's madness . And yet that's what being in extreme pain, even for a few hours, does to some otherwise sane women .

I don't understand it . But I believe them .

There not doing it because they don't love their partner , or because they want to die , or because they hate their baby . They just want to pain to stop and they can't think of any other way . They scream and ask for pain relief and what they get isn't enough .

It's the pain relief that system that let them down . Same as your beautiful boy husband .

You didn't let him down . You were a good wife . You did everything you could. It's not your fault .

M stop beating yourself up. I know someone who was hospitalised with psychosis - he used the ward pharmacy to stock up & nipped off to Hampstead Heath to commit suicide. They don't watch the patients that hard.

You promised not to put DH into hospital, too. That matters.

Look, taking the NHS to task is expensive and difficult. Ultimately, they can simply lie in court. The truth is that doctors do kill people sometimes by accident. It's a tragedy, and so was your DH's illness.

Everyone goes through a phase of thinking it was their fault. It's a phase. When it comes to the crunch, you didn't let DH down.

Please don't do this to yourself, if it was easy to prevent suicides there wouldn't be any.

He didn't do this, the illness did it to him. He was the vessel for it.

Thank you all for keeping me sane.

And you handed me a nice memory there Cory, with your "when it comes to the crunch" comment. First time DH stayed over, we lay in bed the next morning and I made him watch all my favourite episodes of Mighty Boosh. He'd never seen it before. I think he was a bit bemused at this peculiar woman almost wetting herself with glee during the Boosh's rendition of

Seems a bit ironic now, because he must have felt so isolated. He laffed at the time though.

mantra please don't think he did it to not be with you or because of anything in your relationship. I have been suicidal and can honestly say that it was nothing to do with people around me. I love my children to distraction and they make me so happy, but when in that frame of mind it's like they would be better off without me, like I don't deserve them. It's really not a rational choice as ppshave said.

Also I know people who have been hospitalised and still committed suicide, unfortunately the hospital, and even sectioning, in no guarantee of safety.

I love the mighty boyish, odd as it is, iI'm sure you introduced him to new things and brought him a lot of happiness, bloody depression is illogical and powerful.

Sending love to you and your boys x

Just read what your 'friend' said. Totally ignore that shit. People seemto crawl out of the woodwork around funerals. They then become hysterical and try to turn attention to them. You know how much you and hubby loved each other, she sounds like a crap friend to both of you, and a toxic person. Don't give her a thought. X

M I never met DH, but I doubt he was feeling isolated. Mental illness like his comes on just like any other illness - it sure as hell isn't like feeling depressed or alone or down in any way that one would think it was.

You think it's just a greater intensity than 'normal' feelings - it bloody isn't. At first it may be an exaggerated reaction, sure, or it might start with an emotional extremity, but after that new stuff starts happening.

It's an illness, not a standard emotional progress. It changes you and it changes your brain. Psychosis can come on shockingly fast. Overnight is not uncommon. Delusions can kick in faster than having a heart attack. Was it schizophrenia or bipolar?

I bet DH was honking like a beast and loved it.

Will you stop thinking it was your fault - I know that's an impossibly annoying remark because you prob will think stuff like that for some time thanks to the nature of grief, but it could not have been your fault.

To be honest, you probably kept your DH alive more than you will ever know.

I think DH's diagnosis was schizoaffective disorder, C The reason why I can't seem to stop blaming myself is because the "friend" told me I was to blame, and he'd been managing his illness for a decade.

It was the last month, the intrusive thoughts, he was convinced he was evil. I tried to rationalise with him. He never once told me he was suicidal.

Thank you for sharing that with me Paula, that's given me a bit more understanding. I'm sorry you've been a a similar place to DH. I've asked him to keep an eye on you.

Do you know, we drove all the way up to Gretna Green to get married. I remember driving through Cumbria, the shafts of light through the gaps in the low, grey clouds, onto the hills. Then crashing disappointment to be told by the vicar/minister, "I wish I could marry the pair of you, but you need to register the marriage certificate 15 days beforehand." It was a proper road trip, we even slept in the car on the way up there. We managed to successfully marry each other a couple of months later.

You asked me the other day C, were the kittencats being annoying. Well, MCat's been the perfect, if not slightly sinister gentleman. Little Monsieur - being a complete arse. Demented digging at vertical surfaces loud enough to wake me, pulling up corners of the carpet, determined hurling of all things off all surfaces. I can hear him now, chasing MCat up and down the stairs.

Sorry for rambling, better than thinking.

The 'friend' is nothing but a vicious, self-centred little shit. It wasn't your fault.

What would DH have said if you'd told him about her text, eh?

Mantra my love - this is the thing. That "friend" is a lying shitbag. She is a self-centred bitch who was jealous as hell that LH was with you and not her. She is trying to wound you because she's a bitch.

Please, please don't give her the satisfaction of winning. She's a loser - let her lose this one as well. Who gives a fuck what she thinks - she's just a nasty mean bitch out to hurt you! And she's WRONG. WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.

So ignore her nasty little poison dart - she'd be thrilled to know it's still poisoning you now - because you are better than this, better than her.

It's a truism that if 99 people tell you something positive, and one person says the opposite, we will all worry that the 1 person out of 99 is the one telling the truth. I have no idea why we do this, except that it's tapping into our own low self esteem. You are feeling like your self esteem has taken a battering because loving you wasn't enough to keep your DH alive, you think you weren't enough for him - you have to stop thinking this way.

Your DH's mental illness was a type of mental cancer, if you like. If he'd died of actual cancer, you wouldn't be hurting yourself by thinking that any of it was your fault - and you have to believe now that this is just the same. His ILLNESS took him. Not him. It wasn't his choice, not really, it was his ILLNESS.

And please make sure you never talk to, or give headspace to, that vicious little turd who dared to call herself your "friend" - you are worth millions of her. xxx

Cozie, he'd have felt genuinely and deeply sad for her, that she felt the need to say something like that. I'm not saying he was a saint or anything, but he was just such a good person. Probably too good. They say those with DH's illness can lack empathy, well that wasn't true. He didn't know how to show empathy sometimes.

DH would say to little Monsieur, "Q'uest-ce tu fais?" I don't know why we talk to him in French, because we always said he'd have an annoying West Coast American accent, and say "Awesome!" a lot. The cats gave DH so much happiness. He came downstairs one Sunday morning, still sleepy, for a cigarette (loved smoking) and decided to go back up for a further snooze. "Take little Monsieur", I said. He picked him up, and looked so happy, sort of like a child with a teddy. Little Monsieur was still a little kitten then, and he tucked him into his dressing gown. They had a long old nap together.

MCat's been very protective, any visitors, and he's on my lap guarding me. Strange, he used to like the little shit "friend" who said it was my fault, then he went off her and wouldn't have it with her at all. Completely ignored her for the last couple of years. Actually, come to think of it, little Monsieur began to do the same.

And thank you Thumb, you've really been helping me. She is blocked, so no way of contacting me, and she's too cowardly to say something so horrible to a person's face. I rang her afterwards, and she said in imperious tones; "No, thank you!" and put her telephone down. Like I was a double glazing sales person.

What a scumbag!

I love your stories of your furryboys and you and LH - so lovely. Cats are very intuitive animals, clearly they saw the poison in her soul before anyone else.

Give them extra big hugs for being so clever. x

Oh honey
That 'friend' is a toxic a - hole.
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Sounds like MH services completely failed him. I genuinely don't think there is anything else you could have done.

Fucksake, I just did an online shop and started crying because my account was still in my maiden name.

On the bright side, I was thrilled you can get fags and booze delivered right to your door these days. DH would have thought that "most civilised."

There are some people who like to 'prey' on others who are (even if only temporarily) in situations which might make them vulnerable. There are all sorts of possible reasons but you're really not in a position to worry about her motivations and attempt to do anything about her. I wouldn't bother even if you're a naturally supportive person. This time is about you and DH and not about extraneous shits.

Just hold fast - when you're by yourself - to DH's probable attitude towards her.

Good that you can get everything on an online shop but a bummer about the memories it stirred. I think a PP (forgive that I forget who) mentioned that there will be a lot of 'Firsts' for you/moments when you feel as if you've suddenly been gut-kicked with memory. There's no way round that, I'm afraid. in my experience. You just have to roll with it and allow yourself to feel bad for a bit - it eases with time, though.

Thinking of you this morning, Mantra.

Please don't think that this was in any way your fault. Or that you made him miserable. As a PP wisely said, suicide often happens because people feel like they are a burden to others. Not because those others make them unhappy, but because they feel undeserving of their love.

M, try not to think about the ridiculous creature. I agree with C entirely - tragedy attracts ghouls no end. With, as we can see, often repellent consequences. She doesn't matter right now. Block and ignore. Anyway, DH seems to have got her right. His is the true view.

Enjoy the online shop, hope you got sacks of nice titbits. Mr C waves a fat paw at the kitties. Thinking of you dearest M.

Thank you Cozie, for gifting me the phrase, "extraneous shits".

Been a bit of an horrific day, having to grit my teeth and start dealing with the admin side of things. Bit snivelly now. Snot diet. Trying to get drunk, but stupid body won't allow it, so having to take small, measured sips. I have a phobia of throwing up, and the alcohol isn't mixing well with all the snotty stuff in my stomach.

Sorry, gross aren't I.