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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

981 replies

RubbishMantra · 04/08/2015 03:16

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

OP posts:

Thread gallery

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/08/2015 19:18

She's a bitch. You did everything you could but she is clearly a very bad person.

I would block her.

acatcalledjohn · 25/08/2015 19:19

Yes. Ignore & block. Pretend she doesn't exist. Dumbell scenario is to be dreamed of only

Nonnainglese · 25/08/2015 19:48

Toxic doesn't begin to describe her. Beyond belief that all this so-called friend can think of is herself, utterly despicable.

Al I can say Mantra is that my thoughts are with you and I hope you gain some solace from knowing so many of us are reaching out to you- others are infinitely more adept with words than me.

From my experience when someone is in such a place, there is little anyone else can do or say that would make a difference. Infinitely sad, all you can do is take and deal with every minute as it comes x

shovetheholly · 25/08/2015 20:06

God, people can be so utterly vile. What a totally despicable thing to do.

I really hate the way that people who are at one or two removes from a death claim it and make the drama their own. But this is just a whole nother level of... evil, really. It's utterly ghoulish - like she is trying to displace you as the person most deeply affected by this by being as awful as she can.

What she said was utterly hurtful and wrong. And (please listen to me here) it was completely and utterly untrue. You're so hurt and vulnerable right now that it's easy to listen to voices like hers. But we are all here to tell you that what she has said is absolutely not the case. Please trust us and not her self-indulgent, over-dramatic shite.

Your lovely husband is no longer here because he made the decision to die because he was mentally ill. You did absolutely all you could to help him, not just in the tragic runup to that event but in supporting him for years and years and years. There are some things, a very few of them, that are far more powerful and important than death and trust and love are two of them. You took the course of action that preserved those things with him - as he had requested - and you did it on the advice of trained medical professionals who were better placed, more experienced, and more qualified (by virtue of seeing thousands of patients) to make that call.

This is absolutely and 100% NOT your fault. I can't even imagine the pain you're in right now. There's a special circle of hell for people like your so-called 'friend'.

cozietoesie · 25/08/2015 22:11

Words almost fail me at reading about that text.

Circle 8, Bolgia 9 (the sowers of discord) almost suits her but I would be open to suggestions. (You should read the Inferno again, Mantra - I think you'd find it interesting.)

I'm glad you managed to get through the funeral. The last close one I had was one for which I barely remember what happened but things improved for me afterwards. Slowly - but they did improve.

RoosterCogburn · 25/08/2015 22:24

Oh Mantra, what an awful woman she must be to send a text like that.

I would make sure you have no contact with her in future, she is toxic.

Shove summed it up in her last sentence

Leeza2 · 25/08/2015 22:32

There are some things, a very few of them, that are far more powerful and important than death and trust and love are two of them. You took the course of action that preserved those things with him - as he had requested

^^ this

Corygal · 25/08/2015 22:56

M, ignore it. She's weird, and not in a good way. What a terrifying freak, ugh. I suspect she'll try and get in touch again - just block her number now. Attempt not to dignify the demented bitch by acknowledging her.

You didn't contribute to his death any more than you could have done if he'd died of a heart attack or fallen off a cliff.

She knows that too, incidentally. Everyone does.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2015 02:05

What an utterly self-absorbed fucking bitch that "friend" is. I hope she rots in all the circles of hell, one after the other.

Ignore her evil ranting, and ignore her forever after now. Someone who sticks the knife into a grieving person after the loss of their loved one has no empathy whatsoever, and deserves nothing from you, nothing at all, including no recognition of her any longer.

I am so angry for you that you had to receive such trash. Please do cut the bitch out of your life forever more - she is someone to avoid.

Toss her words away as they are meaningless and vicious lies.

((((hugs))))

Wando · 26/08/2015 06:51

How horrible

Ignore it, dismiss it - it is an ungrateful fucking horrible thing to say.

cozietoesie · 26/08/2015 12:18

The trouble is that these things - vicious, small minded and completely self-centred though they might be - niggle. It's a bit like having fleas or bed bugs one time - it sort of changes your view of things.

Just keep thinking what your lovely DH would have said about the text, Mantra. I know you said that he was gentlemanly but I still think he'd have laughed uproariously before dismissing it altogether. You need pay it no mind because you know the truth of the matter.

Hope you're managing.

Wando · 26/08/2015 13:11

By the way keep posting you will find a great support community.

Dumdedumdedum · 26/08/2015 14:57

Sweetheart, you did the right thing. Please don't let this bitch's crap get to you. You are the only one who knows about you and his relationship. You were his wife, not her. Ignore her, she is beyond words awful and not your problem.

Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 17:36

Ignore her

Time will heal to a degree but try and surround yourself with the remaining people you trust and try not to be alone too much.

Im rooting for you

Original poster

RubbishMantra · 26/08/2015 18:45

Bless you all. You're helping me through a bad time.

Sis going home in a couple of days, might need some tight handholding then.

OP posts:

Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 19:18

Make sure you tell your sis you would like to stay close - FaceTime or phone. Is there anyone else close?

catzpyjamas · 26/08/2015 21:05

Just at your 'friend'. What a cruel text. I'm utterly disgusted on your behalf.
Hope you do ok once your sis goes home. Keep busy and reach out when you feel the need. Real friends will be there for you but you may need to contact them when you feel like company, as they may try not to intrude.

Wando · 26/08/2015 21:16

Keep posting and getting support; if you have no one to talk to you'll find a friendly face here.

Leeza2 · 27/08/2015 11:21

Hi mantra, how are you doing today ? Is your sister still with you ?

You might need an action plan for when she leaves - you know, things you need to do each day . Like have at least one decent meal, get some exercise ( even if it's just walking round the block ) , get a RL friend to come over and bring something to eat , do some paperwork etc . Make plans to do stuff you like , like go fishing , with someone .

If people have offered to help , you need to give them specific thing to do . Like come over on Saturday lunchtime between 12-2 and bring some food .

What's your work situation - are you on compassionate leave ?

Leeza2 · 27/08/2015 11:23

I see that everyone else is so nice to you and I am practical bossy one

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/08/2015 13:52

Leeza - it's good advice and practical is needed as much as sympathetic hand-holding :)

Mantra - yes, keep talking but Leeza has some good ideas to keep you occupied, which may be quite essential now that the funeral is past and your sister is leaving, and life goes back to "Normal" for everyone else but you.

You need to find your new normal - not immediately, but you need to work towards finding it.

Leeza2 · 27/08/2015 17:54

You also need to prepare for some of the horrible firsts . They can catch you unaware .

Like the first time you do a supermarket shop , and you want to buy food for him . Or you buy too much of basics , because you are used to shopping for two . I stood in the aisle at the supermarket, sobbing over a jar of mayonnaise .

Landry also caught me unaware , after I lost my DD. The Shock of finally going to put a wash in the machine, when I was running out of underwear, and of course her clothes were at the bottom of the basket . And I couldn't wash them because they smell of her .

I was prepared for the Big Things, like clearing out her stuff. Because you don't need to do this until you are ready , which might be months away . And you can have friends with you .

But I didn't reckon on the mayonnaise .

Original poster

RubbishMantra · 27/08/2015 18:51

Funny you should say that about firsts sta. cey. He washed some of his clothes on the day before he died, and I can't bring myself to move them off the clothes horse. I can't watch certain TV programmes, because we watched them together. Can't change the bedding. I'm so sorry about your DD sta. cey

Set myself a few tasks yesterday, and got them done. Cooked DSis a (hopefully) delicious meal to show a bit of love to her coming over to look after me. I do a mean sausage and mash with shallot and red wine gravy. I made her say savoury gravy in a broad Newcastle accent. I actually felt OK faffing in the kitchen, and didn't even get annoyed when I burnt the shallots, and had to re-do them. Felt quite calm.

Found out from police what he used to hang himself with. I had to ask them, because I had to know. Apparently there were things around him that would have been easily kicked over if he had struggled while he was dying, but nothing had been.

And yes, I'm making a list of practical stuff I must do next week.

We would say to each other "you are particularly peculiar", as a complement.

OP posts:

Corygal · 27/08/2015 20:36

Am here all weekend bar doing a bit of helping out at the hospice shop.

When I say 'helping out', M, I mean staggering up there with Mr Cory's press cuttings from the fire and a range of portrait shots of the animal, which have been obsessively demanded by all the regular customers (all 3 of them) since I started there. So do talk should you feel like it, would be more than welcome.

Treat yourself like an invalid, please. No one can say it's not boring, but you need to do this for the long term.

Wando · 27/08/2015 21:15

Leeza

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