DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

Coffee - I admire you so much for managing to build a life for yourself and your family after such a terrible thing . And for having the grace to reach out to others who have been bereaved through suicide .

Both of these take a huge amount of courage and strength of character

Thank you for sharing that with us Coffee. You sound pretty strong now but there must have been some very dark days for you indeed backaways.

Thinking of you M and your kitlings of loveliness. Hope the soup was a bit less eventful than the pasta. Anything you can get down helps. Lucozade?

My internet is weird so I am in a café trying to send this - but transmission of good vibes to you remains uninterrupted.

Thinking of you this evening.

Feeling the good thoughts. Managed nearly a pint of milk this morning, then some carrot and coriander soup with marmite on toast this evening. Much less eventful than the pasta. Sick that smells of cheese is pretty dreadful. And I love cheese. Don't like washing sicky cheese out of my hair though.

Thankyou for your post Coffee. What a shocking time for you to have gone through. Gives me strength to read it though - made me realise that I can get through. Bless you. x

Glad you've managed to keep something down, Mantra - that will help. And yes, cheese - bleurgh.

How are things going with your sister now, is she still being helpful?

Thinking of you...it's very hard but it will slowly get easier.

Well done on the food .

Hope cats are ok < non cat person struggles to ask appropriate cat welfare question >

The more that stays down, the more will stay down in my experience. Very well done, Mantra. Sounds as if the bod is retraining itself a little.

And don't worry Stacey. As long as the cats have 3 squares and cleanish trays, they'll manage. They might think that things are a bit weird but it shouldn't shake them too much, being pragmatists as they usually are.

Dearest mantra I keep returning to this thread and not knowing what to write. You and your beloved cats are very much in my thoughts.

Could you try something like chicken and noodle soup (sorry if you are vegetarian) when my Dad died I could only eat heinz chicken and noodle soup and drink milk for weeks afterwards. Everything else made me gag or throw up - I think they were bland enough for me to cope with.

^^Rooster sums up how I feel too. I just keep coming back and trying to type something and it sounds so trite and inadequate besides the depth of your grief. I just wanted to send you and good wishes.

Every day is another day survived, another day of having got through. It must feel like an endless time for you, and everything is a blur with just wanting to blot it out. I remember when my ex mil died very suddenly that we just sort of existed, living mainly on alcohol or coffee as food wasn't a priority and none of us wanted to deal with making decisions on any level.

I just wanted to add to my previous post (and thank you all for your kind words but it's not about me on here) that grief is a very personal thing and what works for some in dealing with it, won't work for others. You need to find your own way, find what works for you. I think the first year, in terms of all the "first without him events" such as Xmas, birthdays etc is most definitely the hardest although you will never forget him any year after, I think making tentative plans for these events in advance might help, whether that's surrounding yourself with others or with making it clear to others that you wish to spend that time with your thoughts and memories.

I hope each day that passes becomes a bit easier to cope with but really do understand that your anger and utter grief will take a long time to ease. I just hope you can in time make peace with him.

...You need to find your own way, find what works for you...

Yes indeed, Coffee.

Why didn't he just divorce me if I was making his life so shit?

You didn't make his life shit He was tormented by his thoughts and one of them was that you'd be better off without him. How wrong could the dear man be?

It wasn't you mantra. It was his mh and nothing to do with you. And you could have everything and still be suicidal...look at robin Williams.

I have complex ptsd, depression and anxiety. I find at times that life is literally unbearable and that I can't cope with anything, not even getting dressed as that involves thinking and making decisions. I feel so crap on those days because I know that I am a drain on my family and it has gone through my head that their lives might be happier and easier if I wasn't here sucking their happiness away with my inability to do anything.

Of course they would react with horror at that and when I am stable I know this but when life hurts, when existing is so difficult, you really want it all to just stop and all the horrible things in your head to go away. And it's nothing to do with how much you are loved or how much you love your nearest and closest people, it's all about you. Selfish behaviour or just sheer despair?

I wish I could explain better, I wish I could make you understand its not you, it's never been you, it's about what was in his head and its always been in his head. He just couldn't fight it any longer. But believe you were loved by him and believe he probably thought "she will be better off without me".

I'm crap at this, sorry if I'm not making sense really.

Why didn't he tell me what he planned to do. Could have talked him down or taken the journey with him. My hands are going weirdly numb and cold. Fucksake. I swore at him tonight. Fucking shitting cunting fuck. Wouldn't have left him. Was shit scared of him or me dying. Nothing scares me now, because the worst thing ever has happened. No fear of murderers hiding in my cellar. I am now fearless. Nothing to fear anymore have I.

forum.allianceofhope.org/

Although I don't want to discourage you posting here, the link is a forum for people who have lost loved ones to suicide. You may or may not want to look or join but putting it here for you.

Be angry. Rage at how unfair this is, how sad you are.
But DO NOT blame yourself. You couldn't have prevented this. Your lovely DH was ill and would not have been able to see any other way.

Oh sweetheart. It looks as though you lost your husband on the same day I lost mine. 1st Aug. My dh had an ongoing battle with cancer which he lost. I guess our journeys are slightly different as I knew my dh had a limited life expectancy, although I still didn't expect it to be that soon. Have you looked at the site WAY or Way up (dont know how old you are, way is for under 50's, Way up is for over 50's. Come over and join, its full of people like us going through this hideous journey. Big hugs to you, you won't always feel like this, but unfortunately you can't avoid the grieving process either.

It was a spontaneous act; the physical preparations were made as if he was on automatic pilot because he was focussed solely on stopping the thoughts that drove him to his death.

He was a dear man Goddess

Coffee, do me a favour. Fucking make those MH people listen. If you don't get the help when you need it make them listen. For him, for me. Please, take it from me, you are not sucking anyone's happiness away. You will be a shining light in their lives. Don't take that light away from them, I beg you. DH had days like that, and I would put my lover/best mate to 1 side, and put on my counsellor head on. Because I fucking adore that bloke. So don't ever be afraid to ask for some help or support. Even pm me if you'd like.

I can't stand the thought of this happening to somebody else. MH services in the UK are proper shite.

Dinosaur , how awful for you too.

Oh dinosaur, I'm so sorry you are grieving too. Life is bloody awful.

Mantra, I will never, ever take my own life, I absolutely promise you that. Having been on the other side I know the grief it causes. I think, although I don't know the figures, that men are more likely to end their own lives than women. I have no idea why, I don't know if it's because I gave birth to my kids and have this "thing" in me that kicks in. But I've been sorting myself out, finally found meds that work and keep me stable and although I have bad days, I've not had a true black dog day for a few years now.

Thank you for having so much thought for someone else while dealing with your own issues. You are an amazingly strong woman.