Hello.
I'm dreadfully sorry that I've not been around or supportive for you lovely people...... but I really need to get this out and NOW!! It's selfish and mean of me and I'm
I hate Mother's Day. I can not cope with it. My sister has always been the 'needy' one of the family. My real blood sister that is and do you know what? I don't give a monkey's shit if she reads this. I've had it. Enough. E.N.UFF!
On September 28th 2005 we lost our triplets, Charlie, George and Harry. We weren't expecting to be pregnant, never mind triplets as there are no multiples in the family.
Anyway, that also happens to be my sister's Birthday.
She got married a year later for her 30th, which was on 28/09/06, exactly a year from when we lost our boys at 16+5 weeks. She decided to announce to a select few (sat around a table that day) that she was expecting her 4th baby to another feckless tw@t. I felt sorry for her I guess, always chasing the happy ever after, we all want that I guess.....?
No remembrance of her nephews, no recognition, no thought at all..... she really, really fucked me off. I'm sorry. That sounds hateful but recent events have finely lead me to this end.
Some of you might know that it was my 40th not that long ago, I didn't want her and her brood of children going through my house, playing with my SN/LD toys, not asking, not in control of her, her children or anything.
So I said that she could come as long as it was the pub only and not back to the house. The party was amazing, full of surprise guests that my husband had spent hours and hours arranging, checking who was free, I saw my best friends, the last people I thought I'd see..... but the day simply perfect!
Anywho, my sister couldn't make it because her eldest son broke part of his leg, which could be Karma, or it could be me being an absolute bitch. I'm not normally that person but I think that she is no longer talking to me.
I asked how he was after trying to call via text - no reply. I told her all about Nemo's big sponsored read, would she please like to support him? Nothing. I tell her he won the prize for raising the most money, nothing.
Not seen or heard from her at all since just before my big party.
Anyway. She gets to go to the crem where Mum is all the time. She asks Dad to take her and they go together, all of the time but my Dad lies to stop me hurting.
I hurt. SO MUCH! I want her back, my mum. I really do need her and all I can think about is that my sister can go to their house, be a part of my Dad's life every weekend. I can't. We moved away and Mum told me that she'd never forgive me for taking her family away......
I never knew that just 5/6 years later, she'd be telling me again as I held her in my arms as she died. I never knew that she would still hurt so much, so deep that we'd moved just over an hour away.
Last weekend, I fractured my arm. I would normally call her and she'd ask how she could help. She's not there to call. She's not there. Gone.
My Dad's trying so, so very hard to rebuild his own life, find some sort of normally, some sort of level playing field where he won't fall into a black hole. I love my Dad so much. I really, honestly do and he knows that my sister and I aren't talking but she's not got the balls to say it herself and tell me what the actual problem is.
We're adults but she's just well...odd, distant and doesn't want anything to do the things that go on in my life, anymore. There was like this big bevide when I left, became more independent and got married etc, even though I tried to include her in the planning, she did my hen night.
I know that my Mum would be upset but I can't help it if I don't want her children running ransack around Nemo's things when his SN/LD just wouldn't get it.
It's taken nearly 5 years for him to get to where he is now with family events.
She was more than welcome to come to the pub, just like everyone else, then they all went home. The only people that came back were my DH's parents to collect things..... then that was it. So WTF is her problem?
Actually, I don't care. Now that I've let all of that out, I don't care. She never asks after us, even if I do after her. I'm not putting my Dad in the middle anymore. Fuck it. Life's too short and I want my Mum. Mother's day is shit and she loves that she can go to the crem when ever she frickin wants.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I really, really, want my Mum back and her not to know that this is how her two blood daughters have turned out.
I'm so far away from her grave. From where my darling mum lies in peace. I hope that she can't feel this. I'm sure that she can. I can almost feel her here, getting wound up with us, me.
Do I try and call her?
My sister? I've asked my Dad and he just say's, yeah, I know, 'ah ha,' 'hmm'
I wish my Mum was here so that she could take the head of the family back. I don't want to be head of the family, I want to be safe and for her - Mum - to know that we all love her and miss her so so so much. ~~
I can't cope with this.
And, to add to things, I've broken my wrist. It's really hard work.
Sorry to just land and blab all of this out. I need to go to bed as I can't type anymore with the pain.
Goodnight lovely people. Sorry xxx