Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

Sending you a hug sparky x

I'm just over 3 months sparky. Generally ok but keep periodically dissolving. My best tactic is not to think about it!! I occasionally try to look at a photo but I only have to catch a glimpse and I feel like I'm looking over the edge of a cliff, so I quickly look away. I ping pong between being absolutely all too aware that she's gone and not quite being able to believe it. Funny thing is though, no one would have a clue, as I look and act exactly the same as before. That's what we all do though isnt it I guess.

Mumslife I had a taxi driver last week who vaguely knew my dad and when I mentioned I was his daughter he said oh right, didn't he die recently? As though it was just gossip.

Am so with you trucking.... 2 months for me on tues since DF passed away and I feel like the last few weeks I've done a great job of not thinking about it. Work and my toddler can provide 90% distraction time and i dont bother talking with my friends about it now so they assume I'm fine. If i even think about dad i block it out immediately, but do have sporadic thoughts of disbelief like when the image of him taking his last breath pops into my head randomly.
Today ive been upset, probably cos its bank holiday and family time.
Candy that's appalling re the taxi driver... bet he went home and felt bad though for being insensitive.
Hugs to all xxx

Hi all,

Sorry I disappeared - I had my baby boy on 21st March, 3 days after my mum died. He's amazing and has made it all more bearable, but I still haven't really faced up to losing my mum. I've been so busy with the funeral arrangements, the financial stuff and of course a newborn, that I don't feel I've accepted it at all. It still isn't real, I keep thinking of things and thinking "oh I must tell mum that" - and then it hits me that I can't and won't ever be able to.

Also, looking back to when she died, I feel guilty that one of my first emotions was relief. Partly because she'd been so ill (cancer) and was so frail, and her death meant no more suffering. But also, selfishly, I felt relieved because I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore. Since her health started deteriorating in November the worry and anxiety had been pretty much constant, and I felt relieved to not have that anymore. But now I feel awful about that and just wish she was still here, even if she was in the nursing home, I just wish I could see her and talk to her again.

The funeral is on Tuesday and I'm dreading it, but also hoping it'll be as good as she deserves. She had so many friends and they're all coming. I've written a sort of life history bit and also a personal bit from me with my memories and also the memories of my older two children. I don't think I can read it out so the vicar is going to do it for me.

A question - what do you think about taking young children to a funeral? My older two are 6 and 4 (but almost 7 and 5) and they're going to come, but I've said they don't have to come into the chapel if they don't want to - MIL will be on hand to stay outside with them if they'd prefer. Just not sure how to prepare them for seeing the coffin etc.

Sorry for waffling on, it's just good to have somewhere to put thoughts down. Hope everyone else is as ok as they can be.

Lifeisabeach,

Congratulations on the arrival of your little boy.

Relief is normal in these circumstances, especially as you were about to give birth, please don't beat yourself up. My dad died of cancer and relief for him was my first emotion. They don't show in films how awful it actually is at the end and you do pray for a merciful release.

I took my 13mth to the funeral but put my FIL in charge of her. Luckily it was sunny and he mostly stayed outside with her. My 12 and 10 yo nephew participated in the mass which they were proud to do but it did take its toll and the 12 yo was overwhelmed by the end of the day.

I am sure lots of people will be looking out for your children on the day x

Star, our experience sounds so similar. I block it out mainly - not in a denial way though - but I do get the odd intrusive thought & mental image of the last few seconds of her life. It makes me gasp and my legs go to jelly, so I quickly pull it back together and move on.

I have only posted once before. Just after my Dad died in December. It's so awful come back and see all the people who have lost parents since. I don't know did I think that after Dad died none else could feel like I did.
I miss him so much. I know it's a terrible feeling but I envy people who's parents died of an illness. Those who had a warning. I wish I could have known it was coming. Just to say good bye or get that last big hug.

I was just looking at what I posted last night and I hope it wasn't insensitive. I know that watching a parent die from an illness must be horrible as well. There is no easy way to say good bye. Grief is such a lonely place.

grief is lonely and very isolating.

no one seems to know how you feel, except others on this thread.

my parents were a lot older than any of my friends parents and they got older and had serious illnesses long long before any of my friends parents, and its really squewed how I see other families.

I take it for granted losing a parent in your twenties, then being responsible for the other parent, also I think children leave home young and never come back and forget their parents, this is my experience of my siblings and I really hope my dc's break the pattern that I feel is inevitable. And having no grandparents, I never had any and my kids have none either, it amazes me when I see teenage and older kids who still have grandparents, thats the opposite of what I've experienced. I think I need family counselling.

Congratulations lifeisabeach babies are wonderful !!!

Please don't feel bad or guilty because you felt relief once your mum had passed. I had approx 2 years between my dad getting ill & him dying, in those 2 years I had 2 separate blocks of counselling where I could say exactly how I felt. So here's my thoughts, I loved my dad with all my heart, I never wanted him to die, but I do wish that he hadn't survived more than a couple of weeks, he had no quality of life & quite frankly the last 2 years of his life was hell (his worst nightmare) and I loved him so much that I wanted him to go. I don't feel any guilt for that, nor for feeling relief when he did go. Why should I feel guilty for thinking of him & his suffering first? I only ever wanted what was best for him and in my dads case, that was dying. Even now I'm crying my eyes out, but the alternative is my dad still here & suffering & I would never want that I know that any thoughts or feelings I had (or have) were because I loved him, does that make sense? xx

Congratulations lifeisabeach, i was thinking about you and wondering if your baby had arrived. Glad hes here safely he will be a real source of comfort to you as well as your other children. i dont have any adivce on how to prepare your children for the coffin etc, but one thing our funeral director told us was that its quite a nice idea for children to release a balloon for the person who died (he said at the graveside so they dont have to watch the coffin being lowered, )but if it all gets too much during the service that could be a nice thing for your MIL to take them out to do?

So similar Trucking, I'm so not in denial, i just cant spend more than 10 seconds thinking about dad not being here.

Not insensitive laymedown. I really feel for you. Dad died of cancer and i did get to tell him i loved him which i am eternally grateful for (we're not an 'i love you' kind of family!). I always think with sudden death its worse for those left behind and for terminal illness its worse for the person suffering. The fact my dad had to hear the words 'its a six month prognosis' and 'you only have a few days' haunts me so much, i cannot imagine what the f*ck that feels like.

Also glad you are feeling better mummylin, sounds like youve had a tough time!

X

I've been sat here for ages trying to decide what to write, the tears are flowing. My dad died nearly 3 weeks ago following a short illness. He was only 67. It was, and still is, a shock.

To make things even harder for us MIL died on Tuesday. She'd been terminally ill for 3 years. As some of you have written there was a sense of relief when they both died as they're no longer suffering. Dad would've had no quality of life if he had survived (he had a stroke) and he would hate being dependant on others for everyday support.

Our 3 dc are keeping us going, although the older 2 are determined to knock lumps out of each other, I've just booted them outside so I can feed 13 week old dd in peace.

Congratulations lifeisabeach on your ds, I hope he will bring joy to you in a time of sadness

Hi three, everyone is here to listen & support you x write as much as you want x

How lovely to see that amongst all the grief on here that there is a new little life just beginning. Congratulationslifesabeach
I hope everyone is managing to cope over the holiday as best that they can.
ssd if you think seeing someone would help you , then go for it. You were treated terribly by your siblings, but you can't let it spoil the rest of your life. You deserve better than that.it does seem very unfair that you have had to shoulder everything on your own.
To all the new posters , I hope this thread can help you to work through the terrible feelings of grief and that you will all know you are not alone.
Ps feeling much better now.

I'm glad you're feeling better mummylin x

I know I keep disappearing from the thread and coming back here and there. Mainly at difficult points. Another of those has come around. It's dads 1st anniversary tomorrow. We'll sort of. It's the last day we spent with him at his bedside in the hospice. Then he died at 4.25am on the 6th April with us all around him. I keep playing it over in my mind what we were doing this time last year and the things I said to him. A year ago today he said some of the last things he would ever say to me, in and out of consciousness. I could barely understand him as he was whispering and struggling to get the words out. By tomorrow this time last year he was unconscious and it was just a waiting game.
I know he's out of his suffering now and at peace but I think of him every day and imagine he's up there doing some gardening or having a game of bowls. I can't believe it's been a year since I last spoke to him. I miss him so much.

Glad your feeling brighter mummylin was worried about you .

it'd hard remembering the when's and how's pink but I don't think we can help it.

Lifeisabeach- my dad died of cancer and although I so didn't want him to go and I had strong conflicting feelings, I was praying for him to go and for God to take him that night. He just didn't deserve what he was going through and I didn't want him to be in pain any more. Of course I wanted him to stay but not like that. The last 7 months of his life was horrible and no one would want to live like that. I do feel relief he's out of it all now but naturally I wish he was still here to talk to.
In terms of the funeral I didn't take dd who was 22 mths at the time but my nieces (4 & 7) and nephews (7, 10 & 12) went. The 4 yr old had no idea where she was or what was happening and was bouncing around laughing and playing and said of the funeral director "is that grandad?" She had no idea what was going on. She was a good girl though and just sat and looked at her books and stickers etc. The 7 yr olds had more understanding and were on their best behaviour. They saw us cry and they didn't show any emotion to it. They just looked at us blankly! Maybe it took its toll later with their parents I don't know.

Since dad died ive had another baby. He's 11 wks old now and doesn't look like either me nor dh. He's very dark like my dad so I feel like he's a little piece of my dad come back as a goodbye gift. He's the only grandchild my dad has never met but I feel as though they've already met on another plain perhaps. Sounds silly. That's just my comfort.

I'm so sorry for everybody's losses. Three 2 losses in the space of a few weeks must be unbearable. I hope you have support and can find some comfort. It's such a difficult time.

glad you're feeling better mummylin

Dad was on a syringe driver too. It made him very drowsy and a lot of the time I couldn't make out what he was saying as he was slurring so much or would just fall asleep mid sentence.
Like your dad Mumslife his looks and personality changed. He was losing a stone a week and went down from about 13 stone to just 8 in a matter of weeks. It was awful to see. His personality totally changed and he was very ratty and short tempered. He used to say hurtful things and told me my nana didn't like me which he would never have said anything like that before. Or like when the commonwealth games were being advertised he would say "well I don't care about that. I won't be here to see it" in a really off hand way. I could see he was angry which was totally normal under the circumstances so we just let everything go. It was just so sad to see his decline.