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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

999 replies

mummylin2495 · 15/01/2015 23:29

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

OP posts:
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12
Theas18 · 18/03/2015 20:54

Aww lifesabeach. Huge hugs for you and yours.

I bet your mum did wait to know her mum had a good send off so she could quietly go and join her. So sad for you with mum not meeting the new baby though.

As regards the funeral did your mum sort out what she wanted? I hope so.

Not a lot has to happen urgently though. We had a 3 week delay before the funeral simply as my sister had to get back from Spain - the only thing was that mum wasn't " viewable" immediately before the funeral but I reckon I was the only one who wanted to anyway and I went in the 1st week.

We couldn't even register the death till day 8 as the local registrar hadnt any appointments. We've started going round banks etc.

Ive still not got onto probate and stuff. I'd better do that this week but I'm just coping with going back to work.

House clearing - agsin no rush. Obviously there are expenses keeping the house longer and maybe a quick throw of real rubbish and anything you can easily charity shop then leave the rest till time and strength. In the attic, a storage unit or other if you can't keep the house on.

ssd · 18/03/2015 22:12

it depends if the house is owned or council, my mums house had to go back to the council within 4 weeks of her dying.

candykane25 · 18/03/2015 23:31

Lifeisabeach I am so sorry for your loss of your mum. I am sure your mum will watch out for your little one. Delegate what you can and accept offers of help. Postpone what can wait. You can't possibly do everything, and I am sure your mum would want you to focus on your children. Grief can unfold over a longer period of time. You are going to be very busy and there's no rush with grief.
One thing to remember, your mum will never stop being your mum. X

starfish12 · 19/03/2015 09:06

Big hugs lifeisabeach and ditto what others have said.

I posted on here that I was upset dad would never meet my baby but someone replied to say that way things have happened is in the right order which seemed to make sense, although with your mum's passing and your new baby so imminent that does seem so unfair.

Just do the things you have to like register the death, find a good funeral director and contact the solicitor. Then try and focus on the new life that's about to be born and delegate all other tasks to family/friends.

She probably slipped away to be with her mum... and don't worry about how you 'should' be feeling/grieving. I think I was 'fine' for about 3 weeks until I got home from dad's funeral and only then did I have a really good cry...
x

Lifeisabeach · 19/03/2015 13:05

Thank you all for your kind words. I feel a bit better today because I've been so busy all morning with the arrangements. I didn't think it would all happen so quickly but it's good that it has I think. The phone hasn't stopped ringing! Have also told a few friends and have had flowers and cards delivered already, which is lovely.

Funeral director came round this morning and we have a date, time and location for the funeral. We're having the same minister that did my Gran's funeral on Monday, she was lovely so I'm glad she's able to do it. Feels right somehow. Have also booked a pub for the wake, again same one we went to for my Gran although this time a bigger room as we're expecting 50-60 people to attend.

I've made an appointment to register the death for tomorrow, and have been to the GP surgery to pick up the medical certificate.

Have also been to my mum's house and picked up some paperwork; she has an insurance policy in place to pay for her funeral, so that makes things easier. Does anyone know roughly how much a funeral costs?

The vicar is coming to see me on Monday - my due date!! - to discuss the funeral in more detail. This is worrying me as I don't know what to suggest in terms of hymns and readings, or songs etc for going in and out of the chapel. Also I've got to write the eulogy thing but I've realised I don't know dates and places of some of the places she worked early in her career. Might have to get in touch with some of her friends and see if they can help.

I'm sitting down for a bit now as I'm shattered! Thank you again for your kind words.

chickennoodle · 19/03/2015 13:53

Lifeisabeach, I don't know the answers to some of your questions but I just want to say that you're doing an amazing job,and I know it's already been said but take each day at a time, look after yourself & delegate / accept help whenever you can xx and post on here as much as you want, we're all here for YOU xx

Truckingalong · 19/03/2015 20:30

My mums funeral a couple of months ago cost £2000 but it was very simple with absolutely no extras.

mumslife · 19/03/2015 22:09

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riverboat1 · 20/03/2015 06:32

Lifesabeach, dad's funeral last week cost £3000 - not including the wake which we had at our house.

I think it does help somehow having loads of things to do - calling banks, solicitors, funeral directors etc. It helped us at least.

Common hymn choices for funerals seem to be The Lord is my Shepherd, Amazing Grace and Jerusalem. All Things Bright and Beautiful was another one suggested to us for a more upbeat one! In the end we went with none of those though as dad had v specific musical tastes. Google 'funeral hymns and readings' and you can get quite a few good websites.

ssd · 20/03/2015 07:44

IME funerals cost roughly £3500

ridiculous really.

if mum knew we spent over that on her funeral she'd have been furious, she would have told me to spend the money taking the kids to Florida instead!

its just a business at the end of the day, out to make money, our funeral directors were lovely and I can imagine they generally are, but my god they are expensive.

mumslife · 20/03/2015 09:18

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ssd · 20/03/2015 09:27

yes its all total madness, the private ambulance to take mum to hospital was £150...

she'd be turning in her grave, but what can you do Sad

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 20/03/2015 15:34

Sorry for lack of posts' I am not well once again and just had to go back to doc. Yet more steroids and a new inhaler. I've not been able to breath too well. Will be back to normal soon

OP posts:
chickennoodle · 20/03/2015 15:45

Mummylin, this air pollution probably hasn't helped, I hope you feel better soon.

I've been really down/emotional this week, it hasn't helped that I've got an injury (interfering with my exercise) and I'm extra hormonal this week x

ssd · 20/03/2015 16:26

mummylin, I'd noticed you'd been absent for a wee while, that's rotten youre feeling bad, I hope you feel better soon

and chicken, am sorry for you too, I know what you mean too well

Thanks for you both and every here xx

candykane25 · 20/03/2015 18:10

Mummylin, hope you feel better soon x

myrtleWilson · 21/03/2015 16:27

Sorry for your loss beach can't imagine what it's like in your shoes right now. we are edging towards mums funeral but it's taken longer than I'd thought...backlog apparently, but have been very well supported by friends, family, work etc . Hope you feel better soon mumylin

mumslife · 21/03/2015 18:35

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myrtleWilson · 21/03/2015 19:58

Oh mumslife that is a long time and worse than us (although a colleague did tell me about a friend who has a month to wait...) how are you holding up?

mumslife · 22/03/2015 11:55

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riverboat1 · 22/03/2015 12:14

I wonder if this is a bad time of year for deaths and that is why so many of us are being told of backlogs at the moment and having 3 week waits? Maybe there are more deaths in the winter months?

We had a 3 week wait, but a friend who lives in the same town only had 10 days a year or two ago when his grandmother died.

To be fair, if we had been OK with having the funeral first thing in the morning we could have had a slightly earlier date, but since many of the attendees were coming from out of town it wasn't really an option for us.

starfish12 · 22/03/2015 17:08

We were told lots of older people died over the winter with chest infections, then the way Christmas fell meant it built up a back log that took ages to clear.... that and the fact they closed one of the crems in the area.
Good luck for tomorrow mumslife. It will be difficult but nice to have lots of supportive people around and once its over you might feel a sense of relief.

how are you feeling mummylin?

Any sign of baby lifesabeach?

candykane25 · 22/03/2015 17:24

Mumslife I will be thinking of you tomorrow. Tomorrow is also six months to the day after my dad died. I've got to say it's gone really quickly. I can't believe he's gone, still.
I've spent today clearing his loft out with my sister so my mum can have loft insulation put in. We've been doing over since before Christmas and finally finished it today. It's been cathartic and we've also been able to get our hands on items which have memories attached to them.
It's a job my dad wanted to do himself but he became too poorly too quickly, so I feel he would be pleased with us.

mumslife · 22/03/2015 20:01

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chickennoodle · 23/03/2015 14:40

I hope everyone is ok today. Mumslife, my thoughts are with you & hopefully today goes as well as it can x
It's my parents anniversary today, my siblings & I, all got my mum a little something. I was going to get a card but it was decided that maybe it wasn't a good idea Confused so imagine my surprise when I got there & my mum had an anniversary card (the only one) from me !!! Apparently I brought 2 by mistake last year & gave the the 2nd one to keep for this year Smile I felt incredibly sad for my mum that she only had one card, none of us knew quite what to do this year, but at the same time I'm glad I fluffed up last year & that she has made the decision herself to open the card & put it on display x

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