Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

mumslife I'm so sorry. Hope this doesn't sound trite, but at least your dad is at peace now. My dad died (very unexpectedly) two weeks ago, and we also were told three week wait for the funeral. It is quite a while to wait isn't it? I wonder if it is the same everywhere or just in parts of the country.

We are just going into week three now, and are all more than ready to say our goodbyes and get out of this limbo state. I have an American colleague whose father also died (also unexpectedly) around the same time as my dad, and she has already flown out to the US, had the funeral, and come back again...

I have a question for some of you here: does anyone else feel guilty that they don't feel sadder? I was very upset when I first found out about dad, and have had flash points since where I have cried and really really missed him. But inbetween that I seem to be able to just get on with things and feel pretty normal really. I don't know if it's because I am blocking stuff out, or because I am more focused on practical worries to do with mum being alone now, or because dad had such a sudden yet peaceful death and I know it was exactly the type of thing he would have wanted, to slink off unexpectedly without suffering any drawn-out illness or anything. But honestly, I have been back at work this week and feel so fine that I am starting to feel guilty about it. Maybe things will hit home again next week when I return back to mum's house and we have the funeral...I don't know.

Yes river, if I am doing something normal I feel guilty. Grief is not like what you expect. It's not possible to be at high levels of emotions all the time.
It sounds like you are able to have great comfort from the things you mention, and yes, you are focusing on the practical things. Over time you may find yourself reflecting on your grief in different ways. There is no set path. But guilt is very common. I hope the funeral helps you x

Riverboat I'm feeling the same but without the guilt, I know my dad wouldn't want me to be sad, I personally think I'm still in shock and/or denial. I just think to myself that my dad is "here" with me, he's a part of me & life does still go on, I still have to do the washing, shopping, cooking dinner etc and I know my dad would give me a kick up the bum if I sat around crying all day. I don't know if it's working for me exactly but I have a little cry if I want/need to & try to laugh & have fun wherever I can, especially with my kids because I know he would be so proud of them & they are all so much like him. My dad would 100% rather see me pulling pranks & laughing instead of crying xx

chickennoodle - I feel like that too, that he is here with me and a part of me.

It's weird because I've heard that so many times over the years, in films, books and the like and always thought it was just something people said to make themselves feel better about loved ones dying.

I am surprised to find that even though I am quite a cynical, non-spiritual, non-religious person (and so was dad) I do definitely feel like he is with me, and a part of me now he has gone. I suppose on a genetic level, and also because as his only child I had a unique relationship with him and knew him in a way no-one else will ever know him. I will always carry that part of him with me, because I'm the only one who can, I suppose.

I totally understand the genetic feeling, my children aren't his only grandchildren but they are the biological grandchildren that are most like him and I feel very proud to be carrying & passing on his genes, he was a great man with an amazing intelligence, a thirst for knowledge and a wicked sense of humour, I see him in all 4 of my children every day x

I am sorry to see new posters I think it's very common for strange things to upset us. when mum died in the November I left a supermarket crying in December because there was red cabbage on display. I hope you are all taking things as they come and remembering to look after yourselves too.

I often find silly things set me off. I was clearing out a very large pile of Good Jousekeeping magazines recently. I cam across one that was December 2006 (I tended to particularly keep the Christmas ones for their recipes). It had me in tears as that was the last Christmas that Mum was Mum (her accident was in Febraury 2007 and within 2 years she had developed the head-injury-induced dementia ) and she would have read, enjoyed and used the same magazine.

Sorry to see yet more posters here.
I think when something traumatic happens your bodies own defences kick in and this us why you probably experience the feelings of normality.
It's a very strange time in anyone's life and it does take a while to adjust to it. And the grief can be overwhelming at times for most of us, but there are no hard and set rules, grief is grief and each person can feel differently .
I used to have the feelings that my mum was missing out on a sunny day, it's peculiar what thoughts go through your head.
Don't look too far ahead, just take it one day at a time.
It's very stressful having to wait so long for a funeral. My dd went to the funeral of a Jewish person last week, it was done within two day of him dying.i think that would be too quick for me but 3 weeks is far too long for the family who are mourning. Just more stress. Take care of yourselves and take support from others if you can.

I've been feeling a bit guilty for getting on with life and being 'ok'. I woke up feeling really down today though and have been teary all day... thinking about dad's last few days for some reason. This time 4 weeks ago he was still alive :-(. I've also been worrying that all of the recent stress and upset will have a negative effect on my unborn baby. I hope not...

3 weeks is a long time. I sympathise. We waited 2 due to a backlog and that was long enough. Dads funeral was last week and it does help you move forward a little bit but i felt a definite sense of 'that's it then' afterwards. Its like the 'event' of their death is over which brings new feelings of grief.

Still at least the sun shone today!!!

I am sure that your dad would understand and want you to get on with your life it's what we have to do its bloody hard though. babies are resilient things, try to listen to yourself and do what your body tells you.
Things are a bit difficult here at the minute my grandfather ( not mums side) has been poorly and now they have found a lump so referring for tests. He is trying to play it down but I can see how worried they are. It scares me that the same thing might happen to someone else I love and I haven't been myself at all. dp is worried and asking what's wrong he doesn't really understand as he's more of a worry when it happens kind of person. money is still tight due to the cut in hours, it's all about the money eh.

it sure is sm! I got a new wee job last night so I've got a bit of money at last, though the kids will get thru it in school lunches this week!! sorry to hear about your grandfather, I hope the tests show nothing scary, although I know what a worry it all is xx

congrats on the new job, know what you mean about the kids they seem to inhale food I hope so too, it makes me panic to think of seeing someone and helping someone else I love going through the same thing. how are things?

Sorry to hear you are having a stressful time SMS with money and your grandfather. I hope the tests happen quickly and that there is nothing to worry about xx

things ok here thanks, we're all okay, just plodding on with things

massive argument here this morning with dp. want Sunday to come and go to be honest I know I'm a miserable cow but there are things that need to change and his stubborn "I never do anything wrong" attitude is really winding me up this week whereas it would usually go over my head.

Hey supermario, I don't know your "story" on this thread (sorry) but I just wanted you to know someone is reading xx I have had my moments where I'm like that, I've noticed that certain times of the month are worse (damn hormones) on top of the grief xx

hi chicken how are you? don't worry its just nice to know someone is around sometimes isn't it.
The mothers day adverts are hard I know I need to ignore them and get on but they hurt. One thing that I struggle with is seeing the adverts with the older ladies and adult children, my mum died at 46 and never got that.

Hi SM sorry to see that things aren't so good for you at the moment. Sunday I think brings it home to us that we don't have our mums anymore. It was always a special day for us. My mum would be like the queen waiting to receive her subjects. We would all go round at various times of the day, mum loved it. Hope things can get sorted with your DP soon.

That sounds nice mummylin and like your mum was very pampered on mothers day . I will probably go down to my nans we have her a box of chocolates and some flowers the boys can give her. Her other children never bother so she spends most of the day upset over them or upset over mum but hopefully seeing ds and d nephew will be nice for her. Not seen dp all day so can't comment over whether he's in a better mood, feel bad for arguing as most of it isn't his fault but he also seems reluctant to do anything to change things either. what are you plans for the weekend

I'm not looking forward to Mother's Day, I think my siblings & I will go a bit overboard, but my poor mum has had christmas, new year & her birthday, all since my dad died (3 & a bit months) and it's their wedding anniversary really soon, so I'm pretty sure she's dreading the next couple of weeks, I know I am xx