Support for Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent,Everyone Welcome ( 6 )

[mummylin2495]

I can't believe we are now on another thread, where has all the time gone ?

Wading, mummylin, I told a taxi driver yesterday about my dad. He was so lovely, said some lovely things.
How can I not talk about it? It's dominating my every waking thought (and in my sleep!). I can't just make polite chit chat and ignore the biggest thing.
I am finding that the majority of people are so so kind, and the remainder just don't know what to say, so just say nothing.

I actually found that people ( like my next door neighbour and had known my mum for years ) very very hurtful not to even say "sorry about your mum ".When his wife left him with two children , mum knitted for his little girl as he had no money and he couldn't even acknowledge her. I have not spoken to him for nearly 3 yrs now !!! But most people have been very good. Some not so good.

It does hurt doesn't it mummylin, and it feels like a lack of respect towards your mum. Your mum was obviously very caring and thoughtful and some people just aren't.
My oldest (and who i had thought bestest) friend has fallen into this category. Not only did she not come to the funeral, it didn't even occur to her to come. She knew my dad for the best part of 30 years. I found it very disrespectful and assumed she is too absorbed in her own life to realise I needed support. Anyway that friendship is now meaningless to me but luckily I have other fantastic friends who have been brilliant.
X

I've lost contact with certain people who weren't interested after mum died and there are some things I just cant forgive and its better to keep my distance.

Bereavement has sorted out the wheat from the chaff for me!

I remember reading about your neighbour before mummylin- so unbelievably hurtful :(

I'm sorry to hear about that former friend candy. I had one like that. We were friends when we were teenagers and my parents extended a lot of hospitality to him when his own parents were in the process of splitting up, and his alcoholic father got violent with him. My folks always made him feel welcome at our home as a sanctuary from his difficult life. When my M&D died, he didn't send a card or a message of condolence, didn't come to the funerals, didn't even ask when they were. I was incredibly hurt by that.

Whilst another friend who had met my parents only a handful of times, wanted to travel 180 miles to come to mum's funeral, despite the fact that she had a tiny baby in SCBU at the time. I told her not to, of course, but the fact that she was so willing to try and be there was so, so kind.

Bereavement teaches us a lot about true friendship.

Crossed posts ssd- our last lines were almost the same- but yours was better! :)

On the other hand I have a lovely gay friend who I have known about20 years. I had met his new partner only about 3 times and he took the trouble to phone me, then he bought me a lovely cushion, which says something about mum on it and said its for when I want a cuddle with my mum. It was such a lovely thought from someone who was virtually a stranger, I will never forget that. It certainly does sort out the people who you want to continue having in your life. Another friend provided a beautiful flower decoration fot the main table at the wake.

How lovely mummylin- they sound like true friends.

yes they do!

Yes they were both very thoughtful and kind, but since my gay friends partner gave me the cushion I haven't seen him because they split up soon after !

ds was being a horror tonight really whiny and acting like a baby got to bed time and he has burst into horrible wracking sobs because he misses his nanna and it isn't fair. god i am awful at this, he's right it isn't fair but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with day to day. am a useless mum tonight can't make anything better

Maybe he needs for somebody trained to speak to him, or a little nook explaining death to a young child ?
I have put pic of my salt L on other thread.

maybe, he has had a lot of input, I suppose perhaps like I have my moments he will too. I'll have a look when I'm on the computer can't see them on phone, it sounds really interesting

supermario I'm quite sure you haven't been a useless mum. Sometimes we just can't make things right, no matter what we do. I've seen some unexpected behaviour in my two over the last year- it must be hard for children when someone they love has gone and they find it hard to express their feelings about it. My DD told me she cried at school yesterday because she was missing her Mormor and Grandad :( She's just turned 9 and is quite articulate so has always been able to talk to me about her grief, but DS was only 5 when they died and his grief has come out as anger and frustration at times. It's so hard.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you and your DS.

Supermario you cannot possibly be useless because here you are observing and reflecting on his behaviour, and giving it some thought. That sounds like a very loving and caring mother to me.
There is no manual on this, all we can do is learn as we go along.
A book on grief for children might be a great chance for him to express his feelings before it gets to tantrum stage.
I have made my DD a photo cube with a photo on each side of all her family members including my dad. She is only 14months old but we blow kisses to Grandad In The Sky.

Going to a funeral today, my friend lost her dad a week or so after mine. She lost her mum last year. I have received so much support I feel strengthened to give her my support. I am very aware losing both parents is very different from losing one. She has a large group of siblings so I am hoping that will help her.

hope today goes as well as possible candy it is very nice of you to support your friend and im sure she appreciates it.it must be very difficult to have lost both parents, my sister very rarely ever sees her dad perhaps a handful of times in a year and often says she feels like an orphan now it breaks my heart to hear that. my dad was her stepdad for many years before they seperated but he still goes round and treats my nephew as his grandchild. ds has gone to school today had a quiet word with his teacher but hopefully being with his friends will distract him.

I have found losing my mum after my dad had already died, was/is impossibly hard to deal with, especially if your siblings really couldn't care less
Its kind of been a defining moment in my life.

You have had it really tough ssd you had all the clearing from your mums to do on your own as well as dealing with your grief! and no support from your siblings at all. Really you have been a star.
candykane I hope by being there for your friend will be a huge help for her.

thanks mummylin x

candy what a great friend you must be, not sure I could be so strong atm.

My 3 year old blew a kiss up to a star tonight & shouted "I love you Granny" then ran inside to tell his other Grandma that he'd seen Granny. Wheeeeeeeeeee, it pretty much ripped my heart out right there on the driveway.
Not done so well today, my Dad called in for a cuppa & he looked really old, the boys were a bit manic & he really couldn't deal with the chaos so he nipped off again - I felt rubbish for being so unsupportive.
Brushing my teeth tonight I was just daydream thinking about bits and stuff and though about something I must share with Mum - BANG - but I can't. Another night sobbing into my husbands chest.
Love (if that's not too personal for Mumsnet) to you all.

It's awful isn't it always you can feel ok ish then all of a sudden something seems to take you over and the tears just overwhelm you all over again.just go with it, it's not good to bottle it all up.

Always, I saw a nice red jumper in m & s and thought I'll get get for my dad for Christmas. Bam!
My friends dad funeral actually helped me a bit. I must confess I spent a large part of it talking to my own dad. It was a requiem mass, very beautiful with wonderful eulogy from my friends brothers and I was able to appreciate the serenity of it.
I am sure your dad does feel supported. It is hard though isn't it when you have little ones and you can't switch off from being mum, you have to run around after them and really you just want to stop, and focus but you just don't get chance.
My mum texted me asking how does she empty the Hoover. It's stepping up into a role that was my dads. It changes everything.
Love to you all too xxx

even though my mum died now over 2 years ago, I was sitting on the couch yesterday saying "I can't believe you're gone mum". I still have moments I just can't believe it. I can't remember how long that feeling lasted when I lost dad, but then of course I still had mum and the family home to visit. When all that has gone its so final, its like hitting a brick wall.

Ssd it must be incredibly hard. The foundation that was always there has shifted. X