Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Hi everybody. Hope you're as ok as you can be today.

Very glad that the shirts worked Shiney. The story about DT2 sounds funny (if that's not an inappropriate thing to say). Mood lightening as you say. I hope that you feel peaceful today. The flashbacks are awful but will fade a little (at least they have in my experience) but it's taken time.

It was a beautiful spring day yesterday and I actually felt peaceful and reasonably ok. I was working in the garden and the sun was shining. I still feel very fragile though as if I'm at the top of a slide and a little nudge will just upset that precarious balance and send me back down. Is is the same for everybody else?

Love to you all. XX

Lily definitely the same for me, that is a really good way to describe it, I might use it when I start my counceling. It is exactly how I feel, and it is one of the slightly scarily steep slides! I hope nothing nudges you today and you stay nicely balanced at the top x

Shiney, how old is he? I've just been reading a book that the funeral director gave us for children, with DD who is 5. She is struggling very much too. She has been complaining of chest pains, which I've in my panic had her to the doctors about, it wasn't until she said that it is her heart and all of our family keep dying that we put two and two together I am hoping reading with her will make things a little clearer for her. She seems a little happier at least. Poor little darlings, I feel for them so much.

Shiney, the book is called A Child's Questions About Death. It is written by dignity funerals. It talks about lots of issues regarding how a child might see, or worry about death: why people die; why can't hospitals always help them; where do dead people go; does death hurt; are they being punished; why did someone I love have to die; the difference between sleeping a death, how when you sleep your body feels refreshed but when you have died your body doesn't work any more; why do some people die when they are very young; will I ever see the person who died; how can I stop feeling sad; how long will I live; do people die because they are unhappy; what are funerals for; what happens to a person's body when they die; and when I get older will I understand about death better than I do now? We found it factual in a reassuring way. Shiney if you can't get hold of a copy pm me and I will post you ours.
Julia Donaldson's paper dolls is lovely too, but I struggle not to cry, it is about a little girl who has a special place for things she loses or cannot see anymore, in her memory. It is lovely.
I hope they will start to adjust, a friend of mine said children are resilient and protected from these things I hope that is true.

Good morning ladies, I'm up early because of flashbacks and nightmares. I used to be such a talented sleeper I have visitors today, the first time I have seen this group of friends since I gave birth. The last time I was happily pregnant. I am a little bit scared of knowing what to say or how to act, but I know in my heart of hearts it will proberbly go alright. One foot in front of the other. DH thinks I should take my pictures of the baby down so that I don't make people uncomfortable. The thought of it breaks my heart. One is of us all, a family of six, how we should have been, how we were for such a small time. In that one she is swaddled in a blanket and you can only see the top of her head. The last one is of me holding her against my chest, my cheek pressed against hers, she doesn't look dead. What should I do?
I hope you all have good days today, happy memories without the desperate pain

Leave them up, if people feel uncomfortable that's their problem not yours. These friends will also be just as worried about seeing you, and knowing what to say as they will not want to upset you.
Sleep would be a wonderful thing, I find that falling asleep is not a problem, staying asleep is. It's the small hours when the dc are asleep that is my Pippa thinking and grieving time, then the dc don't get to see me cry as this is what used to upset and confuse my eldest.

Thanks cathpip, I will leave them up I think. I feel as if I would be cheating on her by taking them down. I already feel so badly that I couldn't keep her safe.
It is the staying asleep which is a problem for me too. I guess it is good to know that we are probably normal then.

Oh Shiney the poor little loves. I guess like us they need time. It is hard for grown ups to imagine the concept of death and burial, never mind little ones. If I come across anything else I will let you know.

Morning girls xx

My DTS1 was just a baby when his twin died so our memories are his - if you know what I mean. He was 11 when Matt was killed....he was Matts hero....he used to say (and I will try and do it how Matt talked) 'Mam, our Danny is me hewo, i wove him so much, he is so clever and kind to me....dont know what me would do if me didnt have him.'

He also witnessed Matt dying under the lorry - he now struggles to allow his 6 year old son to ride a bike but he swollows his fear and rides with him - both with cycling helmets on.

We eventually were recommeded an amazing child psychologist at our local childrens hospital. We went to see her, with Dan, every week for at least a two hour session. Dan laughed, cried, screamed, shouted and hugged that lady. I truly believe she saved his life.

A massive hug to all our 'survivors' without my Dan and Tom I would not still be breathing in and out and putting one foot in front of the other. xxx

Wow shabbs, you and Dan are truly amazing and inspirational. Thank you for sharing with us. If you can get through all of that, so can we.

I have been blessed with amazing sons. Thank you all for your lovely comments.

I do think that children see things in black or white. Whilst we adults wallow in the uncertain grey part in the middle. After Matt was killed his little friend, who he called 'snotty simon' for obvious reasons, knocked on the door. This little lad would have been about 5. He had four older brothers and a younger sister. Snotty Simon said 'Matt has got some football boots hasent he? I said yes. 'Can I have them?' 'I dont know where they are love.' 'I do, says SS, 'Matt said I could have them and he has hidden them behind the settee.

Will you look? 'Course I will love.'

Pulled the settee away from the wall and there were the football boots, brand new, shiny, no mud etc etc. I knew they were there, he told me, can I have them?'

Off trotted SS his Mum was mortified and brought him and the boots back to our house. I just said that Matt wanted him to have them and off they went.

Thats what I mean - children see things in black or white. They dont do the grey part - the part that made my emotions race when SS asked me for the boots.

Wish I was a child sometimes. xxx

Snotty Simon So funny.

I've been working out in my garden a lot and thinking of you all.

Sending love.

Shabbs I love the Snotty Simon story. Children are amazing and have such a lovely uncomplicated way of seeing the world, we should try and emulate them.

Shiney I will order a copy of sad book today, anything to help. I think my DC are very much hiding their emotions too. As my baby's birth was very an emergency situation our DC were left with our neighbour until my parents could get down (long way) to look after them. My misguided neighbour told them not to cry because it would make mummy feel even worse. I only found this out the other day. I told them that they weren't responsible for my happiness or sadness and that I would probably always have a part of me that is sad because a mummy loves her children more than anything. I told them that when I cry, I always feel a little better after and if that they cry they might feel better too. So far we have had lots of tears about random things, like balloons not being floaty anymore, but very little in terms of the baby. School said they would offer them support on a 1-1 basis but in the two weeks before they broke up nothing was yet given.

I got a letter from the health visitor yesterday asking me if I would like a visit. I think I might try and set it up so that at least I can talk about my worries with the children. Has anyone else had health visitor appointments following a death? What are they like? I am struggling with the midwife ones a little, I guess they feel like a reminder of how much I failed my baby, and what I am missing, do you think I would struggle with these too?

I've been doing the same as Lily. Outside tidying up, throwing away things and weeding. I've also been thinking of you all. Relatively peaceful at the moment so I will enjoy it while it lasts.

Ooh Lily and Mojito you have given me an idea. I might tackle the garden when the children go back to school. It'll give me something to focus on. It'll be the first time I have been alone since she died when they go back.

Shiney just a thought, a friend bought me a name a star gift set when my baby died, if your children and DD had a special connection about stars it might be something lovely that they could enjoy. They have the coordinates so that you can find your own star and they are all supposed to be visible from anywhere in Europe.

I agree 3 the star idea is beautiful. The school my DD was going to bought one in her memory. It is just beautiful to know it is there and following me all the time.

3 I had a HV visit after my DDs birth/death.. I found it really helpful as my HV is really nice.. It turned out to be the same one from my DS 3 years earlier..
Not much happens in an appt tbh, we just sat and talked. Basically she acknowledged the pain & shitiness of our situation, I cried, talked about future plans.. And it kind of put a formal end to our experience (if that's the best way to say it).
I hope that if you do decide to go ahead with a HV appt that you find it as helpful as I did.

Just to introduce myself to this thread, my DD died last July as a result of placenta abruption mid labour.
We have a DS who'll be 4 this spring and pregnant with our 3rd who's due October.

Heartfelt condolences to all of you who have lost children, be it yesterday, years since or to those sadly yet to come xx

Thanks Shiney it has been ordered. I'm ready with the tissues.
Winter welcome although I am sad you have to be here at all. Congratulations on your pregnancy that is wonderful news.
Yesterday was a good day for me, I went to see a friend and she was the best listener, I never knew she had it in her.
Today not so good. I just had a major breakdown in Costco. I was feeling alright until we were at the toiletries and I could smell my baby, for a brief second I thought she was there, untill I saw the stand with baby powder on it. They had put baby powder on her in the hospital after her bath. I couldn't tear myself away from the smell but all the time I was sobbing. DH found it very hard to stay patient with me, although he did, but I can tell the pain isn't quite as intense for him anymore, or at least if it is he isn't as sad with the pain if that makes sense? I just hope we can stay strong through this.