Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

hello ladies. It's been several months, I think, since I last wrote here, and sadly I see that there are several new names, and much new pain here as well. I am so sorry that you are here, that we are all here.

For those who don't know me, my beautiful red-headed daughter Mia died totally unexpected nearly three years ago now, at the age of 13 months, due to an extremely rare bacterial infection in her heart, which was not picked up in time to save her. She died on MrMia's birthday. Since then, we have had a rainbow boy, Finn, who is now 22 months old, and a naughty, lively, cheeky little boy. While my pregnancy was normal, it was extremely tough emotionally. He says Mia now. Mia would have been four in September, and we held a special children's outdoor festival, MiaFest, which was amazing, with 250 people at Mia's Wood, enjoying themselves, filling the space with laughter and happiness.

I have found this thread to be an amazing place, but haven't felt able to give and support as I should of late, so I took a break. Sometimes delving deeply into the pain is hard, although there is not a day, a minute, a second in which Mia is not part of me. Please forgive me. It is selfish, when I know how much I relied on the love and understanding I found here when I really needed it. I hope I can do better now.

Morning girls xxHiya Mias - you dont have to apologise for not being 'here.' Good to see you - but, like we always say, none of us should 'be here,'

xxxx

mias I have read your thread and bought two little owls for the boys from the woodland auction. Mia is beautiful and just a few months older than Pippa. I hope your little boy Finn brings you as much pleasure and mischievous as my two bring me, they certainly fill my time!

Mias Hi, I'm not sure we've chatted before but your thread and posts here have moved me to tears. I'm so pleased you were blessed with Finn (I love that name), he sounds just dandy! :)

cathpip love the idea of the big blanket box at the end of your bed with Pip's favourite, and your's too, in. That way, she'll sleep with you every night. I hope the move is going as planned. I'll call you soon but don't want to bother you, so text me or FB me when you need me. Miss you, we'll be taking a bed up on NYE/D if that's still ok? Love you x Give those boys a squidge from Aunty Mouse xxx

Hello to everyone else. Dad came over on Sunday and brought some more craft and other bits of Mum's. We talked and I cried so hard. I am in a bad way health wise but will post more tomorrow as Nemo has been off poorly today, this is a very bad time of year for him ashos immune system will not be fully developed until he's 9ish due to his heart. I need to update my profile so you can all see him for those who haven't.

It's going to be a long night. Thank you whoever it was who said for me to take care, sorry I've forgotten who.

PS - Shabs I love seeing your morning greeting, you're like a warm, fleecy blanket, enveloping us all.

Night. Be gentle on yourselves xxx

Hi there, lovely shabbs Yes, I agree, your constancy on this thread is exactly like a warm fleecy blanket. (I bet Tom agrees with this description of his mum too.)

mouseface hello there. Things sound a little heavy-going for you at the moment. If it's going to be a long night, not sure if I should send you or or both…

cathpip thank you for buying those owls and contributing to the sale. It really was just amazing. I bought an owl too, so we are owl aunties together. I hadn't quite realised that Pippa and Mia were of a similar age. I hope they are playing together somewhere, being sweet and cheeky. Do you dream of Pippa? I used to dream of Mia, but haven't in a long time now. She still sends me little signs though.

I learnt that a woman with whom I studied 14 years ago died very suddenly today. I had some idea that she had some health challenges, but never saw them myself, and had lost touch with her when she moved to Asia. But the tributes posted online by her husband are simply jaw-dropping in their simple, complete love. So much love and grace and acceptance. And I am so sad that I understand a little of what he is feeling at the moment, and that yet another person takes on the lifetime burden of loss...

Morning girls xx Hope everybody is OK xxxx

Oh my I'm tired, the removal men have just left, half the house is in a van and the rest is packed. Am feeling I'm not sure really....but what did make me giggle is that Pippa has gone to my friends for a sleepover, I would be so upset if we had misplaced her in the move. My friend has texted to tell me that Pippa didn't help with the gardening and my friend had to lick the cake mix out of the bowl all by herself, but they are now chilling on the sofa watching tv. Bless her, I love my friend dearly and I can just picture her sat on the sofa chatting to an urn!

Cathpip, she sounds like a very special friend indeed. xx

cathpip..... you made me

What a very special friend she is.

When I moved house in May a very special friend drove 5 hours to come and spend a week helping me and then the same again back. What a support.

I wonder if it was the same for you? I was very wobbly about moving to a house that Paddy hadn't been to. Our first house without him. Tough.

for cathpip. xx

I am wobbly about the new house, but it's only two miles down the road and in a village were Pippa was well known, her nursery is now around the corner and our local pub is walking distance. A new house but still in an area that Pippa knew and was known so that is making it easier. I am awaiting dh, he has been sent out for fish and chips, the packet of biscuits I have eaten today is not nutritious enough really, but I am enjoying my glass of wine!

cathpip - sending you love and strength and wishes for happiness in your new house.

Our lives have just been hit again by the news that my lovely mum has cancer of the oesophagus. She's been in terrible pain for years because of severe arthritis in her back and she finds it difficult walking very far. I think all the medication she's on for there back probably has masked any other symptoms, or other symptoms have been attributed to her bad back. We don't know how advanced the cancer is or what the treatment is going to be.

It's just not fair. She was midwife and has spent her working life looking after other people. Why why why why why?

Morning girls xx

Lily I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. She sounds a lovely lady and this is so unfair. I often wonder what this life is all about. I know that I dont know you, or your Mum in real life - but please give her a hug and kiss from me. xxxxx

Lily, i'm so so sorry to hear about your mum, i send you and your mum my love xx

To all of you, I just wrote a long post to each of you that promptly disappeared. So, in summary, I hope you are taking care.

Lily, I am so sorry to hear about your mum.

Cathpip, take care this will be tough time physically and emotionally.

Mouse, hope you are ok.

Shabbs, thanks for your continued check ins.

I was thinking about that 'why" question today. It's this total unknown, this mystery, that we live with everyday. Having to accept that there will never be an answer, bring this as part of our lives, this great unknown. To me, it is the hardest thing in the world… Often people call us brave, but I'm not. There is just no choice. But this 'why' sits there as a heavy lump in my head. I can't do anything with it, change it or mould it or ignore it…

A few people over the past couple of days have acknowledged that the date of Mia's death is coming up, and for the first time ever, I have realised that I felt uncomfortable about them talking about her, about this date. I think it's fear, of uncovering that terrible pain and finding it afresh, which is making me shy away. I don't want to be afraid of Mia. I just want to love her.

Mia- sorry you've had a difficult time, i don't feel brave either, but i too had people say that to me. I'll be thinking of you as Mia's anniversary is approaching

Morning girls xx

I have just cried and had a small 'paddy' in the jobcentre - my DH is very unwell today and cant attend the English college course the jobcentre have sent him on. I cannot afford to ring an 0845 number (which is all the jobcentre have) but I know that if they are not notified they WILL sanction his benefits.

I have just walked a 6 mile round trip to let his advisor know. I got in the room with her and she said they wont sanction them because we have made a massive effort to inform them.

I just had a quiet paddy when I told her how much I hate the Government, how my Dad has died, how my Mum is ill and how I cant 'do it' anymore. We ended up laughing together but I feel so stupid.

Although I was being very honest when I said I cant 'do it' anymore - there's a massive amount of pressure and sadness on us and its, quite frankly, shite!!!!!

Thinking about you all today - Mias I always, always, find the build up to the memorium anniversary or our DC's birthdays is the hardest time. We will all help you - keep posting love xxxxx

Shabbs - how amazing you are and all the efforts you go to in support of your family. They are so lucky you are in their lives.

Mias - I completely understand what you have said. I get uncomfortable when people acknowledge anniversaries and also incredibly uncomfortable when they comment on how "brave" I am. This is not a choice and I have two DS's I love more than anything that need me so I get on with it.

I went to see a psychiatrist today as now until March is harder than normal. I haven't taken anti depressants as I wasn't sure if I needed them and just ride the crests instead. He has classified me as a high functioning individual with depression which I think sums me up perfectly and also a lot of other amazing people who suffer loss and tragedy. I think his term for me is actually what others refer to as "brave" when referencing their views on me.

Mojito - I'm afraid I sniggered when I read your message and then how you'd had to re-write it. That's happened to me too more than once.
Then I read your second message and agree with you wholeheartedly about people's comments on "bravery". To me being brave isn't something I do consciously, but it's just the way I can be. I have to function for the sake of my other two darling boys and my fabulous MrLily. High functioning individual. That sounds about right.

kayleigh - thank you for your love and message. My mum is ok at the moment, but it's early days and we just don't know how bad she is at the moment.

shabbs- thanks for your message too. I think you're amazing and you give so much to other people. They're lucky to have you around. You have so much to deal with and you still have space for us. Thank you.xx

Mias - I don't think there are any answers. Just a big space full of imponderable ifs, buts and maybes. I don't know if having any answers would make this any easier to bear as there is simply no comprehendible reason why this could be justified. Talking about the pain with people who don't understand is difficult, but talking about it with the others who truly do "get it" is reassuring (IMO). It's good to know that we're not going mad!

Sending love to you all. XX

Morning girls xx

Evening ladies. Tomorrow is 6 months since Ben was born sleeping, and i'm not sure how i feel about it. It still seems like it all happened yesterday in my mind. I can't get my head around how quickly 6 months seems to have passed. I'm planning to go to the grave at some point tomorrow so i can put new flowers down and tidy him up a bit (some of the grass has grown at an alarming rate).

Sending love to all xx

Thinking of you today kayleigh. We moved house precisely 6 months after losing Pippa, take it easy today. Xx
Well we are in the new house, there is a lot of work to be done, but Elliott has a cold and Aubrey's asthma has flared up, so chilling on the sofa watching scooby doo is top of the list for today. Clearly followed by some online shopping for the new house :)

Sending you a big hug kayleigh. It's scary how time flies. Be gentle with yourself.
Sounds like you need a gentle day too cathpip.

Look after yourselves.

Thank you cathpip and lily, i've already had a teary moment when i woke up this morning, and i'm sure there will be more. Cathpip, i hope your DC's are feeling better soon xx