My beautiful son

[minmooch]

After nearly two and a half years of a fight with cancer my beautiful 18 year old son passed away this morning at 11:20 am.

I am humbled by his strength and humour that he has shown throughout his short life.

Brilliant and amazing. Enjoy

Xxx. My thoughts are with you. Enjoy Wanda.

Perfect name, Min! Happy travels this weekend. Hope you have sunshine and smooth roads.

Late to this as I've been away - I hope you have had a wAnderful time travelling.

With love, as ever. XXX

It's been a while my darling boy since I posted. But I'm struggling and I miss you. Tomorrow you should be celebrating your 21st birthday. You should be doing so many things.

The reality is that I shall take flowers to your grave today then drive up to Manchester tomorrow to be with your brother and help him through the day.

It's not as it should be. And I'm raging inside at the unfairness of it. The horror you went through. And you died anyway. I feel guilt that you went through so much. But the choices were hideous each way we turned.

I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. I miss your music playing in the house. I miss food shopping for you. I miss going in to the charity shops with you. I miss hearing your stories. I miss holding you. I miss looking after you. I miss every goddam thing.

I love you with every beat of my heart and I miss you with every breath I take.

I hope your son's birthday passed peacefully. I hope you're having lots of fun in your fabulous camper. I am so sorry about your lovely boy.

Min, sorry that you are struggling. Birthdays and holidays must be so difficult.

I read this recently and thought of you. There are some lovely comments to the article as well.

www.nytimes.com/2016/12/02/well/family/loving-my-son-after-his-death.html?_r=0

Thinking of you and both of your beautiful boys.

Thinking of you min x

Another day, another Christmas without you.

It's not right and it's not fair.

I wish with all my heart that you were with us.

The joy is never full.

There's a shadow behind everything.

Life is beautiful - you taught me that. But is will always be less than beautiful without you here.

With every beat of my heart I love you. With every breath I take I miss you. Xxxx

Xx

I think I'm not meant for joy in this life. It feels too hard. I'm too goddamned lonely. I try, I really do. But the effort involved is too much.

I know that Alex needs me here. Truly I do. But it would be much easier if he didn't need me because then I wouldn't have to try

It's too hard. What really is the point? You loved life and had it taken from you.

My life is just too hard to love it. I'm full of hate and anger. For what happened to you. And selfishly the long lasting ramifications it's had on me. I watched you as Cancer took you bit by bit. I watched and held you as you took your last breath.

I should take life by the horns and live it for you. But I I'm too fucking tired and sad to do it. I'm just too fucking tired too fucking sad.

Darling Min. Please know that I'm thinking of you. As if that does any bloody good. Alex needs you. Life is so hard and everybody else is so fucking cheerful and the festivity is relentless. It's just so exhausting. Please be gentle with yourself. Please hold on.

Sending so much love.

Oh, Min. I can't think of anything harder than what you've lived through and are living through still. Rage, exhaustion, sadness and loneliness are all so understandable, as is your longing for a break from the extraordinary effort it takes to carry on through such loss. And it couldn't be further from selfish to acknowledge how awful this has been for you.

I'm so sorry you have to bear this. I am urgently whispering to Will's energy as it swirls around (I think of him regularly when there's a gust of wind or swoop of starlings) to send some small joys your way for now -- the kind that are easy and require no taking of anything by the horns. A belly laugh at a joke with Alex. Plans for a journey in Wanda. An hour in a bookstore. Any tiny reprieve.

With love.

I'm so sorry min. I've lost a child (although a lot younger) the pain is indescribable and no one should go through it.

Christmas is always hard as is birthdays

Today I'm tired. Really wish I could just stop.

I'm tired of the fight to gain some level of happiness/normality. It's coming up to 3 years. I still miss you. Still feel so alone. Still don't know how to go on. Not sure I want to. I will go on though for your brother - just so bloody tired of it all.

I miss your very being. I miss your voice. I miss looking after you. I miss having a reason. I want to run away and hide.

minmooch I'm so sorry. You deserve to find some peace. Without meaning to upset you or get stern - I think you need an action plan for how to find that peace. What do you think?

Sorry I'm not sure what steps you've taken thus far....counselling? Anti depressants? Do you have supportive friends or hobbies you enjoy?

No one can take the pain away of losing your son but you neec to find a way to live alongside the pain rather than completely surrounded by it, no?

I do.

I work full time, I have hobbies I enjoy, I have supportive friends, I've done a year of counselling, I've been on antidepressants at times when I've needed them. I'm in contact with my gp often who keeps an eye on me. I'm about to be referred for more counselling as they think i am showing signs of PTSD. Who wouldn't really after seeing your child suffer.

I try so bloody hard to find some peace. I accept all invitations. I go away.

It's just always there. That terrible sense of disorder. That terrible knowledge that he's gone.

It's exhausting trying to live along side grief. I'm giving it my best but there are days when it's too bloody much to face it on my own.

I'll survive. Anniversary looming so feelings are more raw.

Dearest Min

"That terrible sense of disorder. That terrible knowledge that he's gone." You sum up the sheer bloody imperfection so perfectly. Nothing is right for very long and everything is just so wrong.

I know it's coming up to your darling Will's anniversary. That hideous time that is worse than all the other hideous times. I'm holding you close in my heart.

Sending love.

Ah, I'm sorry, you obviously have and continue to work really hard to do the right things to help yourself.

Totally fair comments from you. I haven't lost a child (though I have another tricky bereavement that I am working through) and I do appreciate that it's exhausting and overwhelming living with the grief.

If you do have PTSD or something similar, I am wondering if this fact would bring you any small bit of acceptance and understanding that the PTSD is a separate (albeit completely entwined) issue to your grief?

If you do have PTSD (and by the way I agree who wouldnt after what you have been through) then if you can access the right treatment and coping strategies for it then you will start to feel better.

My best wishes to you. Keep posting if it helps, I'll listen x

This is my space to write.

I'm tired. I miss you. I hurt. I wish you had lived. I love you. My son.

So incredibly sorry for your loss. I know there are no words

minmooch

Life is not fair.

I am exhausted by life.

I wish to god I had never been born. I would love to be stoical but I'm tired of the fight.

I miss you. I hate that you suffered so.

Some people do grief gracefully. I'm not one of those.

I'm full of self loathing, hatred, anger, sadness.

I am so so sorry min. I wish I had some words to make it just a little more bearable.

Other than the obvious (having your darling son back) do you think there is anything anyone can possibly say or do to either help you now or at least give you hope for a more peaceful future?

Genuine question in a bid to help you. Although I'm also sorry for even attempting to fix the unfixable so ignore if you want.

Has there been any period in the last couple of years where you have felt anything close to ok?