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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My beautiful son

999 replies

minmooch · 26/02/2014 17:13

After nearly two and a half years of a fight with cancer my beautiful 18 year old son passed away this morning at 11:20 am.

I am humbled by his strength and humour that he has shown throughout his short life.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 04/02/2016 06:34

I looked for your darling boy in the clouds and I thought of you both when I was in the sea. Just sending love.

magimedi · 07/02/2016 22:30

Every time I go down by the sea - almost every day - I stop & think of both Alex & Paddy.

I never knew them & I don't know either of you, Lily or Min, but I feel a tie to them - the good power of the strange thing that is the internet.

Original poster
minmooch · 13/02/2016 10:57

My lovely boy. Your second anniversary is coming up. It seems to be worse than the first. Terrible, hideous flashbacks to your last few weeks. Knowing you were leaving us. Knowing you knew. The terrible paralysis that took over your face. The laughs we still had in spite of it all. The love we shared. Holding you close. Never shutting my eyes for a second as I didn't want to miss a second of your life. Talking of the things you were going to do, both of us knowing they weren't going to happen. Seeing you surrounded by love. You looking at your brother with adoration. The pain in his eyes as he knew. Holding your hands and your Dads hands as you left us.

My Will. My son. My child. My love. My life. The reason I want to live. The reason I want to die.

OP posts:
magimedi · 14/02/2016 10:18

Oh, Min. My love to you as ever.

I am just about to go out for a walk by the sea. I will stop & think of Will (& Paddy).

PS Sorry I said Alex instead of WIll in my last post, I think of him as well and you, above all you & wish for strength for you.

LilyTheSavage · 14/02/2016 11:29

Thanks magi (again). Chocolate

Dearest min
I wish I could do something to ease your pain. We just have to keep on buggering on one way or the other. Your love for your precious Will shines through your posts.
Gentle hugs Flowers Flowers Flowers

Original poster
minmooch · 14/02/2016 21:11

I'm just so tired Will. Tired of missing you. Tired of knowing its forever. Tired of trying. Tired of knowing how much you suffered and yet you still died. Tired of coping. Tired of being strong. Tired of being alone in all this. I'm tired tired tired. I'm just so fucking tired.

OP posts:
magimedi · 14/02/2016 22:36

I can't give you any answer, Min - just love from a stranger on t'internet.

I so wish I could ease your pain & tiredness.

All I can do is send you my love & know that I think of you, Will & Alex every day. I wish I could do more, but I can't.

Just a big hug for you - (((xxx)))

YouCantCallMeBetty · 14/02/2016 22:43

Oh Min I'm so so sorry for your loss. I don't know you but am sending all hugs and love from one mum to another. Be gentle with yourself and take good care in these dark days Thanks

MrsJorahMormont · 14/02/2016 22:52

Min just one more stranger from the internet. You write so beautifully and your love and loss are stark. I am so very sorry for your beautiful Will, for you and your family and all that you've endured. There's nothing we can say but I send you love.

Original poster
minmooch · 14/02/2016 23:22

Thank you everyone. Child loss is so lonely. We are so frightened to feel. So frightened to let others know how we truly feel. So frightened to live. Too tired to live. Know we have to live. Trying to keep a lid on the grief. Trying to exist, to find a way. A way with out guilt. A way to live with the grief permeating every fibre of your being. Looking at birds in the sky hoping your child has been reincarnated and is flying above you. Looking for messages, signs even though you don't believe. Going through his belongings again and again hoping to find ......find what? A note? Something list and forgotten? A childish note from son to mother? Anything.

And whilst doing all that looking after your other son, having to work to pay bills, not lose your house, put food in the table. Cope. And today I can't cope. It's too much today. I'm broken and tired.

I just want to say I love you to my child again. Hold him.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 15/02/2016 02:53
Sad
SerendipityDooDah · 15/02/2016 16:50

Another stranger here, wishing I could say anything at all to ease your pain but knowing I can't. I can only promise to keep reading as you write with searing honesty about your grief and to think of your beautiful son, offering a silent prayer each time I do that having an outlet where you can talk about feeling broken and lonely and tired provides you at least a tiny bit of relief from the extraordinarily unfair trauma you have been through.

This may sound woo, especially from a fellow non-believer. But it occurs to me that all the love expressed on this thread among total strangers (from "the cloud" no less!) might just be a sign/message from Will in and of itself. His bravery, his love, his soul, his spirit, his humour -- they're swirling around and leading us here, where we say to you what I imagine he would tell you directly if he could: That we're so sorry for your pain. That we understand and acknowledge your grief. That we desperately hope for your sadness to ease with time. That your beloved boy knew to the depth of his soul how much you love him and hears you saying it eternally. That he felt your arms around him so lovingly that the echo of your touch resides within him forever. That we know how hard it is and how much you miss him.

Sending you every wish for peace and strength.

jenmac22 · 15/02/2016 18:53

Just heartbreaking Min, sending love, and wishing you some peace xxxx

magimedi · 15/02/2016 19:17

Serendipity - What a lovely post.

I don't know Min, Will or Alex, but every time I log on I check this thread. And will always do so.

I look West from where I sit posting, Min, and my love goes out to you from the very bottom of my heart.

(((xxx)))

PS. I never, ever expect you to reply - this is your place, your space. You can scream & rail all you want here.

(((xxx)))

wherethewildthingis · 15/02/2016 19:21

Another stranger here to say I often think of you and your boy. I'm so sorry.

LilyTheSavage · 16/02/2016 06:30

Beautiful post Serendipity.

jenmac22 · 16/02/2016 11:15

Absolutely beautiful Serendipity x

SerendipityDooDah · 16/02/2016 11:28

Flowers Lily. I know you have also suffered this unimaginable loss, and I send the same love and thoughts to you and your beloved boy as well.

Original poster
minmooch · 17/02/2016 20:32

Serendipity thank you for your lovely post. I kep reading your words 'the echo of my touch resides within him forever'. I do so hope so.

In one respect I was 'lucky' in that we knew Will was going to die. We were able to tell him how much he was loved. We were with him to the end. I know of many bereaved parents that were not with their children at the end and how much that haunts them.

Everyone who posts here - thank you. Thank you for hearing me, hearing about both my sons. Thank you for thinking of me, my sons, my family. In a lost, isolated world your words are comforting. The compassion shown here, and on many of the threads in Bereavement, is sometimes hard to find in real life.

Will would like the thought of himself swirling around, bringing people together. His brother read a beautiful piece at his funeral called The Physist's Eulogy. The last line reads "According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone, you're just less orderly." Both Will and Alex are scientists.

My darling boy, my love for you is as ever present as it has been from the moment you were conceived. I love you now, for always.

OP posts:
Thornrose · 17/02/2016 20:42
Flowers
magimedi · 17/02/2016 22:37

Min, I have just googled & read The Physist's Eulogy,

I have had to wait to post while I dried my eyes - such a wonderful & moving thing.

You never need to reply or to thank us - it is but a little thing I do to log in & check this thread. But I am pleased to know that we can bring you a crumb of comfort.

I think of you, Will & Alex & your wider family almost every day.

I check this thread every time I log into MN & will always do do.

There is a connection swirling round - who knows what it is but it exists.

I wish I had known Will - he was evidently a remarkable person.

My love goes out to you, as ever.

Badders123 · 19/02/2016 17:05

"Just less orderly"
I love that Smile
Bereavement is a cruel brutal thing
You and your boys are often in my thoughts min X

Original poster
minmooch · 19/02/2016 21:23

My boy, my lovely, lovely boy. I love you with all that I am. I am trying to remain calm as I face your second anniversary. I want to remember your lovely, handsome face but it's so hard to see past your poor swollen face, lopsided grin, eye taped shut. How much you suffered. How much we wanted to keep you here with us. How we begged for your release from suffering.

How tormented and tortured we all were. How your bravery, humour, love gave us all strength. How I loved you. How I love you still.

I want to hear your voice call out 'Mum'. I want to hold your hand. I want to make you breakfast. I want to talk to you. I want you here. I want to hear your laugh. I want to tell you that I love you to the moon and back. I simply miss you.

OP posts:
Badders123 · 19/02/2016 21:40

Oh min :(

magimedi · 19/02/2016 21:56

Min - all I can say is that my mother had Alzheimers & died some 20 years ago. For the first three years after her death I could only remember her with that awful disease. Then it shifted & now, when I think of her (often), it is as she was before she was ill. I hope that peace comes to you to ease things a little.

Sending my love to you & Alex & Will.

(((xxx)))