My beautiful son

[minmooch]

After nearly two and a half years of a fight with cancer my beautiful 18 year old son passed away this morning at 11:20 am.

I am humbled by his strength and humour that he has shown throughout his short life.

Dear Min.
I wish I could make it better for you. I can hold your hand and give wine and send hugs. I know how it is and I just hope it passes soon. I saw the stars this morning when I was driving home and I thought of our darling boys. Do you think they're together? They will be having such fun, but we miss them so much. What they were and are and what they were going to be. The promise that is lost. It's so hard to bear.

Just sending hugs and lots of love. XXXXX

All I can send is my love, Min (and to you, too Lily).

And say we are always here - you can say what you like here with no fear.

(((xxx)))

Min...you must feel like a leaf on the wind..being blown around by forces beyond your control.
I know many parents feel bereft when their children start uni and move away...in fact I'm sure there is a thread on here...empty nesters?
You have the added grief of losing will, the need to know alex is ok (he will be...it's a huge adjustment) the hurt that Will never got the Chance to.go.
So many conflicting and exhausting emotions...no wonder you feel.so.lost my darling.
I wish I had anything helpful to say.
You are in my thoughts x

My dear Lily. I like to think our boys are together, rolling their eyes at us, somehow enjoying whatever happens after this life.

Thank you all for your words, it helps to be heard. In real life I put a brave face on but the reality is very different. I feel haunted by what has happened. Tortured by how Will suffered so. Bereft by his loss. Bereft of my identity. Frightened by where my life will go and how to make it happy/meaningful/at peace. I just don't know how to do it/get there. I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family who love me. And yet there is always this sense of lonliness and desperation.

I'm just so tired. I want to run away - but I know that solves nothing.

I've had to rebuild my life so many times. This time it's hard to find the energy. I know I have to be here for Alex. But I want to be here for me too - I just don't like me or my life which makes it all that harder.

I have asked for more counselling, upped my meds, keep busy, work, cope, live, exist. It just feels spectacularly hard.

Thank you all again. I have to get these thoughts out of my head, write them down, try and make sense of the unfathomable.

Everyone said the second year of bereavement is harder than the first. I'm finding this to be true. My mum died 6 months ago and I can't begin to process that either.

I need to snap out of this self pitying wallowing.

You are not self piyting or wallowing.

Loosing your Mum on top of Will is just too much & I am not surprised that you can't process it. You sound as if you are being very sensible in upping meds, getting more counselling & keeping busy etc.

This is your place to come & scream & wail & moan. I am certain you don't do it elsewhere & this place is safe. Don't forget we can always (not that I will) switch off from here!

Sending you much love as ever.

Please, please min be gentle on yourself, it's certainly not self-pitying wallowing, you've been dealt a shit of a deal and you're trying to make sense of the senselessness of losing a child, followed by your mum.

I can't say anything that will help, other than sending you ((hugs)) and love x

Dear Min. You are sensible to up the meds and ask for more help. All you can do (other than that) is to keep breathing and keep putting one foot in front of the other. There are no other viable options. Just keep talking to us here as well. We listen. We hold you hand (some of us understand) and some are kind and sympathetic. This is your safe place to shout and scream if you want, or just to be quiet.

You have so much to process and far too much to think about. Thinking is dangerous. Just keep buggering on.

Our darling boys will be together (also Dave will be there and probably little Tom) and they will indeed be rolling their eyes at us. I will watch for them in the clouds. There's one particularly bright star that I always say hello to. It's probably them!

Sending you lots of love

(magi thanks)

Just passing by & thinking of you, Min.

No need to reply but you are so often in my thoughts.

Even when a day is good it's shit.

I love you. I miss you. I've had enough. I want to hear your voice, talk about your day, squidge your arm, wash your clothes, cook your favourite food, be cross because you've spent too much time on the compute, kiss you goodnight, hear you breathe, see your toothbrush in the bathroom, hear your footsteps.

I love you.

I miss you.

Minmooch, no words but please accept a stranger's hug x

Min, it's a long time since we 'spoke' on the Children with Cancer threads, but I still think of you often and my heart goes out to you. Big hugs to you x

No words, Min - am facing West & sending love & hugs to you.

I'll be walking by the sea tomorrow & will send my thoughts for all of you as ever.

(((xxx)))

I've been kicking up the seaweed and throwing stones at the sea and thinking of you and your darling boy. XXXX

Thinking of you and your darling boy today Min. Sending love.

Thank you always Lily

My darling boy - today is your birthday. You should be here celebrating your 20th. I am going through photos - your smiling face surrounds me.

I love you completely xxxxxx

Sending my love, Min.

Just passing by & wanting to keep this thread bumped - sending my love to you min .

Just saw this in active and stopped by to see how you are doing, Min - sorry to read that things are so hard and so very painful, and that your Alex is having a tough time at Uni, are they helping him with that? What is the problem for him, homesickness, or the work, or the culture?

I never went away to university - lived at home because it was in London, and so I commuted instead - so can't help with any of the practicalities of living away from home, but if there's any advice I can offer in other terms, I'd be happy to.

(((hugs))) for you lovely xx

Hi min, thinking about you and sending you love. Jen xxx

Thumb thank you for your message. It was bad timing but Alex's dad got remarried the day before he went to uni. It was the emotion of it all - he cried a good way of the journey up because his brother should have been at the wedding too. Just as us bereaved parents feel siblings do the same - even happy things are hard to enjoy. So he started off very tired and emotional. Bad timing too but the week he started he turnedc older than his Will was when he died. He then faced the usual new uni Freshers week/settling in/living with strangers. He was totally overwhelmed. Luckily he has now settled in, loves his flat, loves the people he shared with, is enjoying his course. I think he is stil a little shocked at how long he took to settle. Like all kids they take their parents, home life, familial security for granted plus he had extra things going on. He is such a private boy but has now, two months later, told two of his flat mates about his brother so I feel he has a friend to turn to if he needs it.

Waves at Magi and Jen. Life ticks on. I'm working lots which I enjoy. It's the times I'm at home alone that are still very difficult. Unable to watch tv - too much happy family Christmas stuff going on, haven't got the capacity to read, exhausted but not able to rest. Most days I'm in bed at 9. I feel I am just existing, interspersed with moments of joy, but more moments of tears and anger. The pressure of keeping a lid on it all. Wish I could foresee a future of peace, acceptance, happiness, fulfilment. I just see bleakness (for me) and it seems such a long time ahead to endure. And I hate the melodramatic language I use - it makes me angry that I feel this way.

I've taken to watching Red Kites soaring and hoping that a little bit of Will is in them, that he is free from pain, able to fly high. Ridiculous I know. I stop, watch, talk to the bird, cry, walk off. I'm sure grief turns you mad .

I'm intelligent enough to know that I punish myself. That I could be kinder to myself. Maybe that will come in time. I hate myself for living whilst my son suffered and died. I know all the arguments against this feeling, I go round and round in circles but at the end I am, for this moment in time full of hatred for myself. I hide it well from others but I look in the mirror and I know.

Right, enough if the self-flagellation I need to go to work .......

Oh min!

I wish I could do something to help ease this pain. You describe it so accurately. I hope that it numbs a little soon.

So glad that Alex has settled down at uni. As you say, he's got so much to cope with and process, and it's all at once as well. Massively steep curve for him. You must be so proud of him and how he's managing it all.

Please be gentle with yourself. Don't impose too many stresses and expectations on yourself. Just do as much as you want to do.

Sending you much love. or would be better? XXX

Oh yes, I see how that concatenation of circumstances would have made things so much harder for poor Alex - glad he's managed to open up to a couple of friends and is settling down a bit more now though.

As for you, my lovely - well I can see your point, although it's obviously not an ideal one for you to have - you need to find something that can bring you some joy, other than Alex of course. Red kites are fab, but too intermittent (even if you do live in a highly populated area) - you need something that you can put your heart into, that will in turn put heart back into you. Something that will alleviate your feelings of self-loathing for still being alive - I don't know what that might be, but perhaps it's something that you enjoyed when you were younger, before children, before marriage, before you even had to grow up, maybe. Do you have something like that, you could turn to?

I don't know how you feel and therefore can't possibly understand fully the depths of your suffering; but I can offer you a hand to hold in the darkness, and love and strength from afar to hold you up. And of course.

Pleased to hear that things are getting better for Alex & that he has settled into university life.

Thumbwitch speaks great sense about finding something to bring you some joy - but I know it will be hard.

When, many years ago, my DS was going through awful MH problems & ended up hospitalised I found that exercise helped me hugely. I know so many people say that that it almost sounds trite but I wonder if some of your rage could be worked out by getting physically knackered? For me it's swimming but maybe running or something you can do when you choose? Just a thought & I suspect many people have already said the same to you & you may be an elite athlete for all I know.

Sending you love, as always.

(((xxx)))

PS Don't worry at all about sounding 'melodramatic' (which you don't). This is your space & you can say what you like here.

I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your darling son mim. I've shed a few tears, please except my deepest condolences. thinking of you now and for a long while to come. May he rest in peace, dear young man.

I walked by the sea today, Min, & the local sea swimmers were swimming - 6 of them in wet suits & one of them without - & I thought of Will.

You are very much in my mind at this hard time.

Sending you my love, from a stranger on the internet.

(((xxx)))