Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent ( 5 )

[mummylin2495]

Here we are , our new home

hi blondebird69, so sorry for your loss. Your situation sounds a lot like mine, I've lost both my mum and dad and feel my childhood has gone, and I had to clear out mums things after she died in a few weeks and it was truly awful...and your brother, well lets just say my siblings were worse than useless too. So your not alone!

hugs to everyone else here

sorry internet connection was going there...

just wanted to say that I'm sorry for all the newcomers here, its so sad to join this thread, but such a relief to find like minded people x

Thanks ssd it does really help that you all know how it feels. So sad I miss my mum everyday and just wish that I could pick up the phone and talk to her. Spoke to her best friend and her sister today which was good. I have to be honest I have shut out people and just gone into myself as I find it easier. ssd - when did your parents pass away? x

Hi ssd hope your ok and going along ok. You will understand more than I about having to clear the house so quickly. I was lucky in that my brother and I had no time limit and could take our time.
blondebird post as little or as often as you like. Always one of us around at some point.

blondebird69, well, dad passed away 15 years ago now, and at the time I was completely broken hearted, a lot of the posts here reminds me of how I felt at the time. I COULDNT BELIEVE i (oops) wouldnt see my dad again, and I couldnt understand how someone so full of life/stories/humour could just ..die...BUT life had to go on, I had ds1 who was only 7 months and my mum who had been married nearly 50 years to help. I can remember I couldnt say the word "dad" for ages and ages afterwards, but its true what they say, time does heal, it did for me, eventually.Of course, the difference between then and now is that I still had mum then.
But since mum died, 19 months ago now, like you I completely feel dads death again, its came right back to me and I'm grieving them both together. Everythings gone, my mum and dad, the house they lived in, mums sheltered flat, the village I grew up in thats so familiar to me, my childhood in fact. Mums flat was council, so had to be cleared within weeks. I did it alone, siblings went back to their lives immediately after spreading mums ashes, the day after the funeral. They were gone sooner than anything. Clearing mums flat was like throwing out my mum and dad, my childhood and everything we'd shared. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I'm only writing all this to let you know you aren't alone. Its unbelievable but it happens to others. I'm so sorry your going through this, its just beyond awful. I went to cruse, it helped get some stuff out, as I found I knew no one who'd lost both parents and its so final and so different to losing the first parent.
The feelings of being lost and alone are always with me, I just dont think they'll go now. I hope its not the same for you.
I'm sorry again

sorry, hi mummylin for you too xx

blondebird, meant to say I've shut out some people too, its the only way I can cope with them.

Thanks ssd what you have said about grieving your dad again is just how I feel and it is nearly 11 years since my dad died. Dad died when I was pregnant with my daughter and I did not grieve properly until after she was born, infact I found it hard to bond with her at first. I ended up with post natal depression. Like you I cleared mums council house out within 2 weeks as the heartless council put her rent back up (she had reduced rent) and said we would have to pay as long as her stuff was there. I had to bin or send to charity lots of her things and stuff she had with my dad. Like you I feel I am grieving them both and my childhood and like you the area I grew up in as I live 80 miles away.
Shutting myself out seems to be the easiest way to deal with it.
I am going to call cruse again tomorrow as talking to someone uninvolved may help.
I think when you lose one parent but have the other as you and I have it makes it easier as you have someone to lean on talk to. Like you I dont really know anyone my age that has lost both parents so it is hard for anyone to comprehend.
ssd, I hope that your children give you some comfort as mine do. Glad that there are people like yourself to talk to on here.

xx

when I went to cruse, I had no idea how it worked, I'd never had counselling or read about it much before. I was desperate to go, and I waited ages. I thought they'd say something to me to make me feel better. But it doesnt work like that! It gives you the chance to say things to someone that you cant say to anyone else. The counsellor i seen didnt say much at the first session and I left feeling drained and confused. But he was just learning my story. I must admit I just repeated myself at every session, time and time again. But as he said to me, the answer is within yourself, its not something I can tell you. When I went, I didnt cry for my mum, well I did of course, I cried for the emptiness I had now, and the loss of her and everything we had, which was a lot. But the thing I really cried for was the loss of my siblings, who I realised didnt have the care or feelings for me I had for them, and had had all my life. They just didnt have them, and that was actually the hardest thing about mum dying, that and losing my safe feeling. My counsellor was shocked at some of the things I told him and I remember him saying I'd lost more than my mum when she died, and that was so true. I lost my blood family, my siblings are gone to me now.

As you said, I do get comfort from my kids, but they are teenagers now and need/want me less and less, esp ds1 who never leaves his room and speaks about ten words a day to me. I miss him, but hes nearly 16 and becoming the Harry Enfield, Kevin, character I used to laugh at. Not so funny when its your little darling!! Hopefully I'll get him back again one day. Ds2 is 13 and wanting to grow up and not be babied too much either, and I just want to baby them! Oh well x

We are your sisters ssd you are not on your own x

I know mummylin, none of us are alone here xx

a cars turned up for my grandad from his daughter, no present because "she can't afford one". feel guilty for feeling so mad but how hard would if of been to send a bar of chocolate or something small, his birthday is the same date every year it's not like it was a suprise :(sorry to be a misery and I wouldn't wish being skint on anyone I just wish his two remaining children cared a bit more.

card *

its hard to understand other peoples lack of care sm. I dont get it either. Something small would have done for your grandad, at his age its the thought that counts, he wouldnt want anything expensive anyway, even a funny pair of socks would have done, something to put a smile on his face. I dont get how people can just dismiss others and not think of them at all. I remember one Xmas my brother didnt get my mum anything, so I gave her the perfume gift he'd given me, I couldnt say to mum "oh your son got you nothing mum"...he thought I'd given it to mum cos I didnt want it , now hes not a bad person, just thoughtless.

I just dont get some people. Thank god we're not all the same!

yep, we went with presents and had a sponge cake, probably cost us a tenner at most. its so strange to just not think of others at all it's an alien concept to me. hows things

I was sorting through a few of my Dads things last week.....I came across a cassette tape.....on both sides it said 'Happy Fathers Day Dad from your forever skint Daughter!!!' It made me . He got lots of presents like that!!! Hand made, stuck with glue, painted, and to be honest a load of cr*p but he obviously had saved them.

We never have any money (on disability benefits) but I do understand what you mean about nothing for special days - its easy to write a poem, or a letter or make a tape of their favourite music.

Sadly, some people dont think....or maybe they think it makes them look a cheap skate by making things?

So called 'back to normal' today in my part of the country. Schools/colleges all back today. While I will pin on my smile again and get ready for tomorrows 'wonderful day' when I have to collect my Mum from the nursing home....take her to the dentist and then, the hardest part, getting her back in there again!!! She says they are mean in the home because they wont allow her to get the bus into Manchester course they wont Mum and neither would I!!! I got told off yesterday for 'putting me in this bloody place' and for wearing my Dads wedding ring.

After that she couldnt wait to get rid of me because they were having Sunday lunch and then playing bingo!!! LOL xx

Have had a very upsetting call from my dd this morning, she and ds have been advised to go back to Ireland as their dad is very very ill. They wereonlythere two weeks ago. For the first time ever I will not be there to comfort them when they need it. I feel very disturbed as although we have both been married to others for a lot if years, we have met up at family things and always remained friendly. Depending on what the docs tell exes wife this morning my kids may very well fly off tonight if they can get a flight. I am feeling so sad for them and strangely disturbed. Have told my dd that sometimes things can turn around and I hope that is true in this instance. Oh my god.

That's a big worry for you mummylin. It must be quite stressful trying to arrange an emergency flight. Whats wrong with him if you don't mind me asking?

SSD- I can totally relate to what you said about losing the safety when your parents go. A siblings love isnt the same as your parents love. They have their own lives and even if they are interested in what youre up to, theyre never AS interested as a parent. Well maybe im just speaking for myself and my feelings towards my own siblings. I have a brother and sister and they have their own lives and don't give me the time or understanding that my parents would. A parents love and interest is just different. I don't know, im not explaining it very well. Im rambling!

I feel my dad is still living on in all of us. Just after dad died I walked into his house distraught and sobbing and my brother gave me a big hug (he never hugs!) and I felt like I was hugging my dad through him. I told him that and he started crying. He looks just like my dad, especially when my dad was a young man and I felt my dads spirit within him. I guess im saying although your siblings love feels different than your parents love, our parents still live on within us all.

What you said about only you having the answers within you, without needing to get the answers from someone else. I have some guilt over some things that were done/ weren't done around the time of dads death and I don't think anyone can really tell me one way or the other. I think the answers ARE within ME and im the only one who can say what was right and what was wrong. I also think as women we carry a lot of guilt because we're women and that's what women do, about everything! My brother apparently has no guilt over anything in regards to dads death, my sister and I, well, we have gone back over everything and dragged up all the things we feel bad about. Why do we do it to ourselves?!?

Just dropped my kids off at the airport. It's a worse strain of pheunmonia than he had a couple of weeks ago when kids went over to see him. He is not responding to any of the drugs and they are talking about putting him on a ventilator. I hope my kids get to talk to him before they do this, but they won't arrive at his house till midnight tonight, so am not too hopeful about that. Both kids are distraught and I found it upsetting, especially as for the first time ever I. Can't be there fir them. I will bed dreading any calls now.
And yes you are right pink they live on through us their children.

I can see my brother having some of my mums personality, he's lucky that way, I wish I had it, I'm a worrier like my dad was! I can't see anything at all in my sister of my parents, I've wondered all my life where we got her.

sm, your grandad probably lived his cake and you'll always remember giving it to him. I think we just have to do whats right for us and bugger the rest of them! Am ok thanks, just plodding on with it all, hows things with you and the kid now?

mummylin am sorry to read that, hope your ex pulls through and your kids have a better visit than they are expecting.

badvoc, t875, biscuits, mouseface, waterlego, shabbs, everyone here, for all of us xx

loved not lived and the kids not the kid!!

I should do the preview thing but its too much faff x

Mummylin, Sending love to you and your children, I really hope he pulls through.

We are still waiting to hear from the coroner to find out if dad will need a postmortem because he died so suddenly. Until we know that we can't begin to plan anything so just in limbo a bit at the moment, we have started to discuss the things we would like at the funeral etc so not all bad.

I haven't had a proper cry since Saturday when it happened, I'm just focused on looking after my mum and trying to take care of all of the phone calls etc. I know it's going to hit me like a ton of bricks at some point but right now I'm just getting through all that needs to be done.

I feel as if the person who was ill for the last month has died but not my real dad, I know that sounds strange but it almost feels like two different people in my head. Although dad had ongoing health problems he had been generally quite well for last few years and just a couple of days before he was taken to hospital he was out shopping with my mum and I can't really believe he went from that to being so ill within just a few days.

I'm so grateful that he had a peaceful death in his sleep, I truly couldn't have asked for better but I just still don't believe he has really gone.

Sorry I know I'm going on, hope everyone is doing ok xx

Lin...finding it hard to know what to say to you other than I am thinking of you and your family x
Natalie...my dad had to have a pm as his death was "sudden and unexplained". It was 2.5 weeks between dad's death and the funeral as he died away from home too.
It's very hard as it adds to the wait and it's like being in an awful limbo.
Thinking of you x
Hi to everyone - can't read posts easily as on phone but hope you are all ok x

It better news tonight. Ds just phoned. Ex dh not been ventilated. Had lungs drained and has been chatting a bit and even had a sandwich and some fruit. He even asked how I was which was nice. Fingers crossed that the improvements continue. Oh I do hope so. Been worried all day, especially when the phone rang.