Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent ( 5 )

[mummylin2495]

Here we are , our new home

badvoc is ds still unwell or is it school again? sorry to hear he is so unhappy

Hi everyone, hope you are all ok.

Shabbs - like the others said, perhaps it is your mind just trying to process everything, maybe try listening to some quiet music before you go to sleep to block it out.

Things are strange here, still coming to terms with how ill dad is. He keeps having moments of being quite confused, not sure if it's the oxygen he is on maybe.

He is also refusing to go to his consultant appointment, he keeps saying they told him all he needed to know when he was in hospital!! I have called his consultant for some advice but still waiting to hear back.

He hasn't been out of bed since he came out of hospital (a week ago) except to use the toilet. It's hard to know if it's the illness making him stay in bed or if he's depressed, he just says he is fine about the diagnosis but he's always trying to stop us worrying so I never know how he's really feeling.

He has had enphasemia for 8 years and when he was first taken to hospital they thought it was this causing the problems but then diagnosed the lung cancer too.

Don't really know where to turn for advice other than the consultant.

Totally misspelt emphysema lol!!

Natalie- do you encourage him to get up? What does he say? Is he too poorly to sit in a chair at this stage? My dad didn't like anyone suggesting things to him. He was very independent and he actually got a little bit nasty sometimes. He wasn't very nice to my mum at times who was doing all his care and he said a few hurtful things to me but I knew it wasn't him. It was the disease talking. He also got very demanding towards the end and wanted things his way and "just so" but all of that was totally fine. We just did exactly what he wanted and didn't get annoyed with him at any point. He deserved to have whatever he wanted/needed so we just went with it. Its such an awful disease but I guess im just saying let your dad do what he wants to do and if he doesn't want to see the consultant again then that's his decision. All you can do is tell him the doctors can do things to make him more comfortable etc. Like you say though, he may be confused so its a difficult one to call. Guess all you can do is talk to the consultant and see what s/he says and advises. I do feel for you. Really I do. Its so so hard when theyre so unwell and to stand there and see it. Sorry i dont know if ive worded it all sensitively. Others here are better at that than me! But if you need to talk or offload go for it. That's what everyones here for x x

Thank you Pink, the way you have described some of the things your dad said and did is very similar to mine. He was really cross with my mum because she told him he had to see the consultant and he said some horrible things.

We all trying to understand that it is not the real him, the change has been so quick it's hard to know what to think.

Although I hate that you have been through something this horrible yourself it really does help knowing somebody else knows what I'm feeling - thank you so much xx

Its very hard to put things across when they are irritable and want things done a certain way. Its not surprising they are irritable because of what the disease process does to them and my dad wasn't sleeping at night at all so was exhausted in the day time so no wonder he was snappy. He got very picky and pedantic about things and everything was either too hot or too cold or too much. He started to tell me off for using certain glasses and things which he never would have done before as he used to be very placid but became intolerant of things at times. We just used to say sorry dad and let it go. The change in personality is very quick like you say but just have to remember what they're dealing with and going through. Its not easy for anyone concerned though.

I can really relate to what you're saying Natalie and Littlepink.

My mum's personality changed quite a lot when she was ill. She was quite impatient and irritable, especially with the grandchildren, which was very noticeable because she'd always been such a fun and energetic Grandma. She snapped at me a few times when I was looking after her and said some things which were out of character. I concluded that it must have been a combination of so many things- her tiredness and pain, her medication (she was on a lot of morphine), and the significant psychological 'work' of dealing with a terminal diagnosis. I think people often withdraw into themselves when they know their death is fairly imminent. There must be so much fear and worry for them.

Badvoc, It's good to 'see' you, but I'm sorry things are so hard. I'm sorry but I've forgotten how old your DS is? What is troubling him?

I am at mums with no internet connection so forgive me for not catching up on posts.
Ds had got severe separation anxiety.
No idea what I can do tbh
Kitchen won't be done til at least Tuesday.

Badvoc my eldest son (he is 32) has had that since my DS3 died. He has just learnt to cope with it to be honest. He hates being in the house on his own, still sleeps with the landing light on and is always doubting himself. If it gets really bad he goes to see a counsellor that he trusts.

It must be a horrible thing to live with but you would never know my son had any problems at all. He is confident and outgoing.

He doesn't remember anything about his twin brother who died....our memories have become his memories. When his little brother had his accident he was obviously heartbroken, they made a 'good team.' He was 10 when it happened. We got him to an amazing Child Psychologist and she saw him for about 6 months. It was the best thing we ever did for him.

My lovely dad died in the night. It was a complete shock, my poor mum woke up to find him this morning. I can't quite believe it has happened.

Oh Natalie, goodness me. That was sooner than any of you expected, I'm sure.

I'm so sorry. Not being able to believe it is absolutely normal. And you might still get moments of disbelief for weeks and months to come. It's all part of grief.

In the meantime, are you able to be with your mum this weekend? I feel so sad for you. Be gentle with yourself. x

Shabs...I am so sorry for your loss x
Natalie. My dada also died very unexpectedly. It's so hard. Thinking of you x
I feel at a loss ATM re ds. Dh is away til thurs, the kitchen is a nightmare and mum is driving me loopy.
It was the interment of my aunts ashes yesterday which made me feel very sad all day.
Another link to dad gone.

Oh Natalie, I really wasn't expecting it to be so quick. I was so surprised to read this sad news. Im right there with you and thinking of you x x

Thank you everyone, it is such a shock. Right now it doesn't feel real, I'm just trying to be strong for my family.

So sorry natalie what an awful shock for you all and particularly for your mum.the shock is awful and takes a long time to recover from. I hope that you and your family will gain strength from each other. It's a terribly sad time, but we are all here for you when you need us.
badvoc your poor ds. Have no experience of anything like that that, maybe he will need some professional help. Hope you can soon return to your own home and shiny new kitchen
To everyone else, hope you are all doing ok today. Tomorrow is another day x

So sorry to hear about your Dad Natalie.....what a shock that must have been. xxx

I lost my mother nearly 6 weeks ago and I feel so lost, angry and numb all at the same time .
My mother died suddenly all alone and I lived 80 miles away and after getting no answer on the phone called the police who broke in and found her. Her one fear was dying alone and I am finding it so hard I was not there.
As she lived in a council house I have had to clear all that out only 2 weeks after she died so have had to clear all her things out . To add to this I feel like I am grieving for my dad all over again as this was the family home that he too died in 10 years ago.

My brother who had not spoken to my mum for two years due to a falling out went through her house like a vulcher taking anything he thought he could sell, this has made me so angry but I did not want things to kick off at the time .
Now after the funeral and nearly 6 weeks along I feel like I am just blocking everything out like it has been a dream. I find it really hard to look at her photos, cannot bear to be alone downstairs at night but once in bed cannot sleep as I see her dead in her chair or in the chapel which is my last time with her. When my dad died 10 years ago he had cancer and we had some time although it was hard to prepare but this happened so suddenly.
Mum and I were not really close she got angry with me for not visiting often enough but it was difficult as I work full time shifts with young children. She left diaries moaning about this and saying she would haunt me and my brothers . I could have and should have done more. I feel so guilty and I miss her so much I just don't know how to cope. I don't want to get up in the morning and everything is a chore.
I find it hard to talk to DH. As he has never lost a parent , I have lost both of mine and feel like I have lost part of my childhood. I don't know what to do.

blondebird first may I say how sorry I am to hear of your loss. It seems you have been on a roller coaster of emotions the last six weeks. Like your mum , my mum also died suddenly and unexpectedly and none of us were with her, so I can understand a lot of what you are feeling.there is no set pattern for grief, sometimes as you say it's anger, sometimes tears, but be reassured its all normal reactions.
It is hard when you only have a short time to clear your mums house, that has happened to others on this thread and must be unbearable to have to do that awful task when your loss is so new.
Family relations can be very strange when someone dies and we also have that same thing on this thread too.Death I'm afraid can bring out the worst of some people. I am sorry that your brother took it on himself to sell stuff after not seeing your mum for a couple of years.
You are probably still in a state of shock, it's so recent so it's understandable you have all these mixed up feelings , it's also a strange thing that some of us can't talk to our dh,s about things, I think ( in my case ) they prefer to think that after a few weeks we should of" got over it " as do other people , so in the end it's easier not to say anything as they don't seem to relate to things at all well.
Maybe you could get something temporarily from your doc to help you sleep and maybe you would get help from seeing a grief counsellor, for some this can be a real help.
But whatever, this thread will be here for you when you need to cry, rant or moan. Look after yourself.

so sorry Natalie and to blondebird too. it is a really surreal time half not believing that this is really happening to you and half so angry that the world goes on when yours has stopped. sorry I can't reply properly I can't scroll back on phone to see what's what. but know that there is always someone to talk too here pretty much anytime. I haven't been around much home has taken over, mums husband still not spoke to me or text but it's jot unusual so just got to hope it's because he's busy rather than annoyed.

Morning girls xx

Blondebird I can identify with so much of what you said. Im very sorry for your loss. xx

Just looked in the mirror - it wasnt a pretty sight. I have aged about a 100 years in the last 3 weeks....is it really only just over 3 weeks since I last saw my Dad alive? How the hell can that be?

My Dad was a massive Man City fan and he took me to every home game and every local away game. At his funeral everybody wore something sky blue (Citys colours) I wore my City scarf all day....my lovely DIL even found herself some sky blue nail varnish I can imagine him now trying to sort it for City to win the Premiership......he used to allow me to stand in the 'singing end' - in those days it was all standing up. He used to tell me how to stand in front of the small barriers so that if the crowd surged I wouldnt be pushed over the barrier.

He would then take up his own place about 20 feet away from me. Every time somebody swore he would turn around and shout 'STOP SWEARING IN FRONT OF MY LITTLE GIRL SHE IS ONLY 11!!!!' and they did as they were told - well for at least 5 minutes. Precious memories of my hero, my first love. xxx

I read this poem out at Dads funeral after I had finished talking about him

shabbs I used to go to the city games with my dad and remember asking him what the crowd were chanting, he said, the referee is a nasty man. later found out they were chanting the referrees a w*nker. Christ knows how I fell for that. you sound like you have some lovely memories of your dad. time seems to go so slow doesn't it but then you turn around and it's been three weeks or three months. it's almost eighteen months now since I last saw my mum. I think I'm expected to be over it by now is the general feeling I'm getting from people. I was talking to someone a while ago who said oh she was I'll for a long time she did well. I can honestly say I wanted to punch them, as though since they said she only had two years we should be happy that she was here for longer. strange people are, they really are

Yes I have struggled with people saying things like "he had a good life", "he was old, he had a long life". Yes but hes still my dad and I still have to live the rest of my life not being able to see him again. I get all that, he had a good life etc etc but it still doesn't take the pain away that my dad is gone. Or the best was my mum, dad died at 4.25am and I was crying in the afternoon and she said "aww are you still upset?". Erm yes??? He only died 12 hours ago. Of course im still upset. That was a very strange thing for her to say but I guess she was in shock maybe. I think she still is. She still doesn't seem to be grieving but the telling thing is she doesn't seem to want to be at home and is going from house to house staying with people.

For me it is now over two years since I lost my mum, it still feels like it was more recent, I miss her every second of everyday and still go over and over that awful day, the shock was immense. I also think you find out who really cares in your life at times like this. The trite remarks mean zilch do they ? my mum was old in years but not in her ways but that doesn't lessen the loss at all.as the folk on here that have been here a while already know , I will not speak to my neighbour at all because he didnt even acknowledge my mums death. And that upset and infuriated me.
But I also think that until someone has suffered the loss of their mum / dad they have no idea how truly awful it is. They are the people we have known and loved the longest in our lives, always there, then suddenly gone. It's heartbreaking.
shabbs what a lovely verse that is and how true the words are.
To all the newly bereaved , you have my heartfelt sympathy at this time. Be easy on yourselves and do make time for yourselves too.
SM still no better with SF then ? Hope it can be resolved, I know your mum would not be liking the situation. Could your nan and grandad make a little place in their garden the same as you have done and have their own little memorial spot ? It's a difficult situation isn't it. As it seems that you are the only one who bothers maybe you could discuss it with them. Hope your grandad still enjoyed his birthday despite the people who couldn't be bothered. Makes you angry dosent it.

Thanks Mummylin and everyone else for your kind words. I have had some sleeping pills from the doc since christmas as i wasnt sleeping that well before this had happened due to shift work and the doc gave me some after but am trying not to rely on them and found some herbal ones.
I know it is still raw and difficult and DH has been really great but I just dont think he understands how hard it is.
You are right tho about findiing out just who cares. There are a handful of people who I am not close to but are sort of friends and not heard from them at all. I know I said I want to grieve and distanced myself but not even a text. Never mind I have my lovely DH, DS and DD to keep me going.
I just find it hard that I wont see or speak to her again and am now struggling to remember what she sounded like. :(
Shabbs your dad sounded like a great man and I love the story of the football match. They are the memories that keep us strong I guess. I have phoned cruse to get some counselling but they have not contacted me back yet will try them again tomorrow.
Thanks to everyone that reads and replys this might just be my way of talking with others that understand how it feels if that is ok. :)