Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent ( 5 )

[mummylin2495]

Here we are , our new home

Hi everyone, am using ds,s iPad here, he.s at school, if he knew he,d be mad! Can't use it very we'll but just wanted to jump in to say a big hi to everyone, and to marshy, yes I remember you we'll and am sorry you have gone through so much, no wonder you feel a bit sorry for yourself it's entirely justified! And good luck with the upcoming job interview, really not what you,re needing just now, I can imagine. Am thinking of everyone here, so glad this thread is still supporting so many of us, we all need somewhere to let the pressure off a bit, whether it's Mother's Day, dh,s winding us up or "friends" who kindly let us know that they,re just off to lunch with their mums.....etc etc, we,ve all got our own crosses to bear!!! It's never ending sometimes! Anyway girls just wanted you all to know I,m thinking of each and everyone of you and hoping to get the laptop back this Friday!!

Hi ssd glad to see you will get your laptop back, isn't it horrible when you can't go online when you want ! Hope you are doing ok and enjoying this lovely couple of days of sunshine. It's amazing how a bit of sun can lift you a bit isn't it. See you soon

lollipop it is horrible when something suddenly catches you off guard isn't it. I too like to watch medical programmes and can stomach most things . But like you one time there was someone who had the same thing as my mum and I did turn it over, I didnt see the outcome. I am always watching Sidney hospital late at night and all the wonderful things they can do, makes me always think " why couldn't they save my mum " but for us it wasnt meant to be.

Hi all,
Thanks for the welcome back. It's good to see familiar faces here even though it's not where any of us would have wanted to be...
Have felt very down and tearful this weekend. Combination of things I think. Mum died on the first fine weekend of last year ( well, on the Monday) and I think this lovely weather has just put me straight back to that time.
Also I've been so preoccupied with my own health that I think grieving has kind of been on hold but seems to have knocked me for 6 again now that I have a bit of breathing space. I cried loads yesterday and feel as though I have a chunk of ice inside me that I'm aware of all the time and that won't melt away.
I had a chat with one of my senior managers today as interview prep and spent the first 45 mins crying about my mum. She was very kind. She's a friend as well as a colleague and lost her own mum some time ago so was sharing her experience with me which helped a bit.
I think I'll feel better once the interview is out of the way. We're going through restructuring hence this process. I'm also seeing the breast surgeon next week about someone possible further surgery, but cosmetic really to even things up after my mastectomy so not anything like as frightening as the first time around, but I guess I'm apprehensive about it.
I've been reading back a few posts and sorry to see new people here. As I'm no longer new I thought I would be feeling a lot better by now but I'm learning that grief isn't like that. It comes and goes. Sometimes I feel ok and sometimes just overwhelmed and like I'm back to square one, like yesterday. I just hope the ok times get more frequent.
Hugs to everyone who needs one and thanks for being a port in a very long storm for me...

One day marshy that block of ice you feel will gradually start to thaw. You are probably right in that your grieving was put on hold as you had your illness to worry about. It will get better although I have to say it seems to be taking a long time for me, I don't feel that much different from when I was first bereaved and it's now over 2 years. It dosent seem like it , it still feels very recent and I still recall vividly every minute of that awful day. But the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach has at least diminished, if not entirely gone. As we have said on here before. " the price of love is grief " this appears to be true.
I hope your hosp apt goes well and you don't have to have anything too major done, I would think you are sick of I being sick.
Things will improve, but so slowly you won't even notice until one day you will realise you haven't felt too bad for a few days.

Lollipop...l used to watch medical dramas and the like all the time.
I can't now.
Having actually had to perform CPR...well, the awful memories will never leave me.
Marshy...good luck for your meeting with the surgeon x
Mouse face...I wish I had any wise words. But I am missing my dad so much ATM...some days it's like a physical pain.
But it's early days - just be kind to yourself x

Hello dogon of course it's fine for you to post on here, it's for everyone.
Firstly I am sorry you lost your mum and that you are still affected quite a lot after all this time. I expect that your mum knew you loved her very much and understood that you had a new baby and couldn't do as much as you would of liked. There is no reason to feel any guilt about this. You had to care for your little one and the medics cared for your mum.
I think that some of the dh,s ( mine included) do not appear to realise that no we do not suddenly recover after a little while after losing our mum / dad . Maybe they prefer to think we are ok.
Do come and post whenever you want to, everyone is welcome

It will be 3 years this week since my mother died. I find the time from Christmas to March very difficult - is it normal? To constantly mark time in relation to her death? I know there's prob no right answer to that...

Anyway, I was chatting to SIL the other day, organising a family (in-laws) get together. Mother's Day came up and I said I would rather not get together on that day - I know now that I will find it extremely difficult, I'm crying as I type it out. SIL asks me at least 3 times why I dislike Mother's Day so, I am gobsmacked that I should have to spell it out for her... But then I find my perspective is all focused around my mother's death, so that's no surprise. I couldn't answer my SIL btw, I couldn't get the words out to explain :(

Rant over, thanks. This thread is so sad and yet such a comfort, thanks everyone and (((hugs)))

Helloearlgrey people can be very insensitive and don't see, to comprehend that for those of us who have lost our mums how sad it is to see all the adverts and hype surrounding Mother's Day, when for us it only serves to point out what we have sadly lost. We have no mum to buy a card fir anymore and it hurts.
Your SIL obviously dosent realise how truly awful the feelings are regarding the loss of your dear mum. I am a few months behind you and it is just heartbreaking to see all the lovely cards on display in all the shops.
My dh sends for a specially laminated card from an eBay shop with lovely verses on especially for mums who are no longer here and I buy one of those and take it to her resting place.
It is such a special day, one which those of us who don't have a mum anymore find almost unbearable on that day. And for you it is so close to the anniversary.
I don't think you should have to spell it out why you don't want to go to a family gathering , she should know.
Don't feel forced to go if you really can't face it. Spend the day as you want to.glad you posted as we are all feeling it now Mother's Day is getting nearer. Post here at anytime , even if you need a rant !

I will be staying at home I think, I went to my grandparents, dads side not mums last year and my grandad tries to stretch my face into a smile and told me I was miserable. unfortunately I don't mince words and told him it was mother's day and mine was dead so obviously I wasn't happy. I don't mince words

Hi SM , hope all is going well for you. How is your mums little garden looking now, just about to go and tidy mine up

I have similar feelings wrt Father's Day this year.
Dh will have to get his dad a card and gift. I normally do but I just can't this year.
The sun is shining here :) it's a lovely day.

Earlgrey Lots of us here dreading Mothers' Day, and Fathers' Day too. Your SIL's incessant questioning must be very hurtful and annoying- is she especially...um...dense, or is this just a blind spot for her, I wonder?!

Hello Dogonabeanbag I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what your mum was like, but if she was anything like mine, I am 100% certain that she would have known that your baby needed you at that time, and would not have resented you for being with your DC. It must be very hard though to reconcile your feelings of guilt. I think most of us here are carrying around (undeserved) guilt for various reasons.

Marshy Hello, it's good to 'see' you again, but I'm so sorry to hear about your cancer and treatment. I'm pleased to hear things are now going well on that front. I am sure your grieving must have been 'put on hold' during the time you were undergoing your treatment- it makes total sense. Sending love to you.

Hello mummylin and super and Badvoc and anyone else I've missed. I think of you all often.

I am off to France this afternoon with my brother. We are going to my parents' beautiful house in the Alps- to get it ready to sell. I am dreading it really. Some friends seem to have missed the point slightly and speak as if I'm going on a lovely holiday 'ooooh, have a great time!' etc. Hmmmmm. They mean well, but I don't think it takes a genius to work out that this is likely to be quite a painful trip. That house is full of memories of wonderful family times spent together. My husband proposed to me there on Christmas night, 12 years ago. All my family were there. Our little girl learnt to crawl there. So many wonderful Christmas times and blissful summer days spent there.

To my Magnificent Mum and Darling Dad: I am so sorry that we have to sell the house you loved so much. Where you spent so much happy time, where you worked so hard to make it a beautiful home. I will think of you both every moment. I will hear your voices and see your faces in your lovely house, and in the mountains, and over the lake. I will sleep in your bed (if you don't mind!) and cry over my broken heart. But I promise I will try to be brave. xxxxx

I havent put the things back out yet as bugger of a dog dug loads of soil out so until I can get some compost I can't do it. unfortunately I am 5ft nowt and not very strong so have to wait till someone can come with me haha. got lots of new things for it though it's going to look great. how are you?

We did dads flowers at the weekend....lilac tulips in the vases and in the central vase a mix of white roses, red gerberas, white crystanths and hyacinths. Looks lovely.
Ds2 has come home from school with some daffs for me :)
I wish dad could see him and ds1 now. Ds1 plays football now for the local team and ds2 is doing so well at school...I miss him most when I want to tell him something about the dc :(

Well I have been out in the garden this afternoon and dh came home so he decided to take the birds nesting box down to clear it out from last year. There was a false widow spider in it ! It was horrible, first one we have ever seen.
waterlego I'm sure it's going to be a very sad time for you, but hopefully the happy memories wil help you through.
sm I'm sure by the time the flowers are due to bloom you will of sorted out your mums bit of garden. Dogs can be a nuisance sometimes. They always want to go in the bit you don't want them to
badvoc that is the same flowers I had at my mums grave, I went last week but as the flowers were still lovely i left it, went back this weekend and they mostly were still ok, I couldn't believe it, there were a few that were past their best so I just took them out and put some more in . Some of them have lasted over 3 weeks!
Yes let your dh buy his dad a card for Father's Day, it's a sad day for you and I'm sure you won't want to be celebrating it.

Ive been amazed how long the flowers have been lasting tbh...2-3 weeks as you say.
It's dads bday 2 weeks after Father's Day and both Dhs and ds1s bday in early June so that whole month will be very hard I think.
It's mum and dads wedding anniversary in 3 weeks...they would have been married for 43 years :(

Oh that's sad badvoc what do you think your mum will want to do if anything ? My mums birthday next month, right at Easter time. I think I said last year I always bought mum an Easter egg and so I will place a little egg there for her ( in case she knows I haven't bought her one )

I haven't discussed it with her...yet.
My siblings won't remember :(
I can't imagine how she must feel about it.
I don't want to upset her, but I don't want the day to go unrecognised either iyswim?
I will take mums lead - perhaps just a trip to the cemetery or something.
Sigh...so hard :(

hey all how is everyone?

Hey Mario

Not so good but having read back I am far from alone. Like Badvoc, I have another wave of firsts and memories.

I'm not sleeping and feel so tired and weak. I'm emotionally drained, we all know that feeling.

Massive hugs to you all, sending you all love and hugs.

I hope that you are ALL getting some support.

Bless you all xxx {flowers} xxx

Hey sm and mouse x
Ugh.
Spent the day in town with mum. So I left the house at 8.30 and got back at 3.20 :(
Am totally shattered.
I have told mum I am busy tomorrow and have someone coming to see me.
Except I don't.
I just need a day to myself.
I a terrible person :(

Badvoc you are most certainly not! You need to look after yourself and give yourself some space so that you will be more positive and have more energy when you do see your mum. If you are a bit like me my grief for my dad has been overtaken by my worry about mum and how she is coping. It does not help that her memory is going. Thinking of you and everyone else on this thread.Can relate so much am checking in all the time even if I don't post.