Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent ( 5 )

[mummylin2495]

Here we are , our new home

That's a lovely poem Lego.
It sums up the yearning for our lost loved ones very well I think.
I am so tired. Been a long week. My aunt is now in the home - I will go and see her next week at some point.
Kitchen ordered, fitter booked...and now I am hyperventilating at the thought of all the mess and hassle...
Ds2 went to school dressed as a Viking today for world book day :) my dad would have loved that. I miss him. I just miss him.
Love to all x

My mum has taken over a little patch of the garden. It's a stone circle with soil and what's supposed to eventually grow into a tree in the middle.

She's put lots of angel statues in it, and has bought some nice solar lights. She's called it our little Angel Garden :)

I love it - we've had a couple of losses in the family in recent years so it's a nice memorial to all those we've lost - including granddad. I want to surprise her with a sign for it, but don't know where I can get one made.

lollipop look at facebook selling groups they do some beautiful handmade signs there is one on my facebook called heart shaped home.

sorry I haven't been around much been trying to keep busy can feel myself slipping into self destruct mode as we get closer to mothers day every little thing is pissing me off. best to keep busy and not inflict myself on anyone when I feel like that

You can always inflict yourself on us supermario. Mother's Day is a scary prospect, isn't it?

I hate it, am a social media addict will either spend the entire day sobbing over other peoples nice posts or swearing about those like aunt who will conveniently forget she has a mother who wishes she would care about her but instead she will post some drippy status about how me and my siblings are so brave and strong, makes me mad. we aren't strong we just don't have a bloody choice whereas she does but can't be bothered to make the effort. Pfft people, I should live in a giant bubble all through march I think. how are you?

Haha! I'll join you in the giant bubble. Probably safer for everyone I come into contact with

I'm ok. Y'know, ups and downs. Still feel like I'm in a fog most of the time.

it's weird isn't it, it almost doesn't feel real at times but other days it's all you can think about

Hello everybody I have just read this thread and wondered if I could join you?
I lost my dad in early december. He had been active and seemed well but took to his bed after lifting some heavy things when some workmen wanted them moved so could do some repairs.
He stayed in bed for six weeks told my mom he did not want to see anybody even me
Doctor prescribed antibiotics but he went downhill and stopped eating.He fell off the bed mom phoned me and when I saw him I just knew the end was near. We phoned for an ambulance after speaking to doctors who were useless. My uncle turned up and his support helped enormously as we were so unsure what to do. Ambulance men said they had duty to take him in as he was not compos mentus at that point. Think he was hypothermic and dehydrated. It was me that went to hospital with him and was kept in a corridor waiting for hours on my own. Hours later I went home to get a drink and pick mom up where again we had to wait ages ages again.We did see dad but he kept gesturing my mom to send me home. Although I was 44 I am an only child and I know he was just trying to protect me We faffed about trying to get his teeth in as we could not understand his speech it all seems so sad and ridiculous. Anyway we followed him up to critical care where again we waited and waited. At 8pm on the night they let us see him but I had just reached my limit and told him we had come to say goodbye and we would see him tomorrow. He grabbed my hand and said" but its different here." I could see he was scared but I was terrified myself .I really feel so guilty that I failed my dad by not staying at the hospital. The next day he was on the life support until we agreed to switch it off so never got to speak to him again.
I had a really close relationship with my dad we had a caravan in Wales so spent a lot of wonderful holidays together the last few years but I just feel like I was utterly useless when he needed me when he was dying. You all sound so brave on here how you dealt with your loved ones. I just don't seem to be able to forgive myself.

Kerstina.
I am very sorry for your loss. What a Shock, to go downhill so quickly, and so awful for you to have to witness it.
I'm afraid I have no words of comfort on the forgiveness front :(
I performed CPR on my dad and it didn't work.
I will never forgive myself.
BUT You couldn't possibly have known that your dad would be on life support by the next day.
I can't even remember the last thing I said to my dad :( something inane like "see you in a minute"...
We cannot live our lives thinking that when we say goodbye to someone that will be the last time we see them. No one can live like that.
It sounds to me like you had a very loving relationship with your dad.
Try to hold onto that and remember the good times.
It's what I am trying to do.
X

Hello kerstina first of all I'm very sorry for your loss which is still very recent. First and foremost do not feel guilty, you did what you could at the time. A lot of us were not able to even say goodbye to our loved ones as the death was unexpected. You sound a very caring daughter and I'm sure your dad knew that. I too left the hospital and told my mum I would see her the next day. My mum was not expected to die. She died the next morning with none of us there with her. But we don't feel any guilt, lots of sadness of course but not guilt. We didnt know it was coming at all and you did not know when your dad was going to pass away.
It is all very new to you at the moment but I always think that if you have been close to and always did what you could whilst people are alive , we really can't ask for more.
The circumstances are very sad for you but you did what you thought was right at the time, don't let guilt tell you anything different.

Kerstina, I'm so sorry for your loss. Agree with Badvoc that it sounds as though you had a lovely relationship with your Dad. I hope, in time, that will bring you some comfort.

Your dad's death sounds so sudden and frightening for you all- no wonder you have felt overwhelmed. Do you know what it is that he died from?

I was very 'lucky' in that my parents' deaths (last year, 10 weeks apart), were expected and, as such, I was able to brace myself for what was to come, and I was able to be with them while they died.

Despite this, I still have regrets- there were things I should have said and done which I didn't, because I was exhausted and overwhelmed and devastated.

What I'm trying to say is that I understand why you are 'beating yourself up' over some aspects of what happened to your dad, but you really have done nothing wrong at all. Your conscience is clear. Bereavement is a terrible, life-changing thing, and guilt and regret is very often a part of it, sadly.

I hope you can be kind to yourself and remind yourself that your dad loved you very much. My heart goes out to you. I miss my dad so very much- we all know how you feel, and I hope that makes you feel a little less lonely in your grief, if nothing else. xxx

Thank you all so much your words and kindness have brought me comfort. It is nice to know I am not alone. You are right I had a loving close relationship with dad and he was a good friend too we were always putting the world to right discussing different things. Also he was 75 so feel blessed I had a lot of years with him. We were similar also in that we had both experienced nervous problems which is why he was so reluctant to go to hospital when he felt so ill. We know that he was admitted with kidney failure but the day after admission he had pneumonia and a heart attack. It also said he had cardiovascular disease and multi organ failure on the death certificate.
Just wondered if anyone else has stopped listening to music since their bereavement? I just can't bring myself to at the moment. Am due to go to a concert on 18th April which will also be dads birthday not sure how will handle that.

I so still listen to music but there are certain tunes which I don't want to hear as it brings back so many sad memories.
My mums birthday is 20th April so your dad and my mum must be the same star sign .
I refuse to go down my mums road , in case I see anyone in her garden and I will never go to Barcelona again as we had been there with my mum , she died 9 days after we got back home.
I also don't like seeing anything she liked on the television advertised as it makes me sad she is missing it.
So you see I have my little foibles too, I think it's natural that we would try and avoid anything that will upset us.
I would go to the concert, it will give you a little break and for a couple of hours you will have some pleasure. I'm sure that is what your dad would want for you

I got my sign ordered - from Timpson in our local shopping centre. Should be ready by the end of next week :)

I struggle with certain songs too, although I can now listen to the two we played at my granddad's funeral as they also have lots of happy memories attached to them.

I still sometimes look at our front door, expecting him to walk through at any moment, carrying the shopping or something :(

I bought a sign today I shall post a photo when I'm on computer instead of phone. have to buy compost before I can put the memory garden back together as silly dog has dug it out. dp called me down garden the other day to show me something and there is a rose growing in there, I have never planted roses there and only laid some cut ones there once that I bought. weird. then the song we played at the funeral came on just after. weirder.

hi girls, just signing on quickly, still have no pc, am at the library again , havent had time to read all the new messages but will try to do so, only have so long on the web here, bit of a nightmare, still hope you are all as well as can be and am thinking of you all xxx

Hello all
Does anyone remember me? I was here last April after my dear mum died and got a lot of comfort from talking to you all. I can see some names I remember - mummylin, badvoc, mario, and was just wondering if ssd was here when her message popped up!
I last posted in September when I was getting a call back on a mammogram. Well, it turned out to be breast cancer although early stages. I had a mastectomy at the end of October but didn't have to have chemo as after many awful weeks of not knowing for sure, they finally decided it hadn't spread anywhere else.
I'm back at work now having been off for 3 months, but feeling a bit battered after all the events of last year. I find myself crying quite frequently and missing my mum even though it will be a year since she died on April 15th. And to top it all I'm having to apply for my job at the moment and will be going through a competitive interview in the next few weeks.
Feeling a bit sorry for myself at times to be honest.
I'll maybe pop back from time to time if that's ok

Hello marshy yes I remember you. It's not surprising you are missing your mum after all you have gone through health wise. Poor you. , what an ordeal. Has your treatment all finished now ?" I think it's normal we all still want our mums when things are bad so it must if been an ordeal for you to have gone through all that horrible treatment at the same time as grieving for your mum .
Why are you having to Re ply for your job, has there been a restructure or takeover ? Just what you can do without.
Very hard times for you especially again now that the anniversary is getting nearer. Yes please do continue to pop here whenever you like.
I do hope that your health is now on the up and that better times are ahead for you.

Hi marshy, I remember you yes, im sorry to see you have been throughso much since you last posted It is perfectly acceptale that you are missing your mum so much especially with what you are going through. I hope that you can take some time to recover and wish you every success with the job situation , why are you having to do that? x

Marshy...oh my goodness! I'm so sorry to hear that :( What an awful time you have had. No wonder you are feeling sorry for yourself!
My sil works in academia and she is having to apply for her job - again - which will be the 3rd time in about 6 years! She is also finding it very stressful as she has just had a mc.
I had a pretty bad time health wise at the end of last year (had to have surgery in November) and I think it's often when it's all over that we fall apart a bit. We get through it at the time because we have to and adrenalin keeps us going to an extent?
I imagine it doesn't seem like a year since you lost your mum?
It will be 8 months this month since we lost dad - seems unbelievable at times :(
Please hang around...we are here for you x

Hello everyone.

I am sorry, I've not read back, I've not been of any support to anyone of late and I'm about to be incredibly needy. I am shit.

I DO NOT WANT MOTHER'S DAY TO BE HERE.

I want all of the gorgeous gifts and fantastic cards, lovely images of small children with their Mother's, holding their tiny hands, scenes of children laughing in their Mother's arms, on beaches, in parks, gardens etc.....

There are stunning flowers everywhere, chocolates, a million emails a week asking me what I'm going to get for my Mother this year............

I'm going insane with the dreams too. I have gone from seeing wonderful images of her, of her there all safe and sound, to dark and being mean (not purposely) like she was when her pain took a strong hold of her, really took a hold of her and THAT is what hurts me so much, knowing that it wasn't my Mum there. Being mean, saying things.

Anyway, I have to go as Nemo needs me again, he's picking up on my feelings. Sorry to be so ignorant. And unsupportive.

I am sorry xxx

Oh mouse it's fine to come on here and rant, we don't mind that one little bit. It helps to let things out and we are here to listen. This will be your first Mother's Day and it is very hard to face it but you will get through it. You can still get your mum a card a d put it up by her photo or something.
You know that your mum mum was suffering and I'm sure if she said things it was only because she felt so ill and was in pain
You don't have to apologise to us, we understand

Thank you mummy - I am just so super shite at taking control of stopping my tears, fears and my absolute dreadful knowing that my Mum, the lady that I have loved for all of my life, the lady who gave ME life, the lady that gave me the reason to be, will never be here in my home, in person, again and I think I need a break.

Anyway, I need my ned. Thank you mummylin for answering me..... there are no answers are there? I mean really?

You have nothing to stop the pain, nothing to stop the hurt and nothing to stop my tears and THAT is what I need. I need my Mum.

I need my Mum, I want my Mum, I need to hold her like in her last hours, her final moments again. I have to tell her that I love her as much as I did the second that she gave life to me and raised me to be as strong and her.

It is very hard mouse to accept that we can never see our mum / dad again. I think until we get acceptance we can't really move too far forward with our lives. It will be different for all of us. Grief is the most terrible feeling, I think It is the finality.
I too yearn for my mum, I think all on this thread will know these feelings too.
I would give everything I have just for a few minutes more with her, but we know that isn't going to happen.
There is nothing wrong with tears Mouse, it is better to cry than suppress it all inside you, in a while you will have better periods which will give you more days " tear free " I promise you this is what happens. But it's only a short while since you lost your mum, so don't be too hard on yourself.

I got caught totally off guard last night. Watching a programme I'd recorded about junior paramedics, and they showed a job where a 19 year old trainee was trying to help save a man in cardiac arrest.

They weren't able to :(

Apparently, when my gran got the hospital the night my granddad eventually passed away, they had all the defib, ambu-bag etc all scattered over the room - she said she didn't know if they'd had to shock him or not, but it was chaos in there.

Seeing all that stuff being used on a person, just sent me over the edge, I was crying a lot :(

Weird, because I can normally watch things like that, no problem.