Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent (4)

[mummylin2495]

Here is our new home hope it's as comfy as the last one

mummylin, same, my dad just went in a flash

I'm sorry for selfishly jumping on thread and blur bing but I think I need advice from people who have been in my position.
I lost my mum to cancer abt 7 months ago. I had a 16 week old baby at time and a 3 year old also. I have since returned to work from maternity leave and I seem to be going down hill.

My dh and I are permanently at each others throats when we are together. Shift work means we are not seeing much of each other at m

Sorry posted to soon.
Much of eachother at minute and when we do its so pressurised.

I feel I would quite happily just bury my head and not spend time with anyone out side of dh and kids. I also don't feel 'hopeful' for future and I can't picture myself feeling happy again. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

I am crap at talking to people and tend to bottle things up. I don't k ow what to do to pick myself up. I can literally see my self destroying the things that mean most to me but its like its out of my control. My dh has been wonderful but there must come a poi t when he can't take anymore of me.

I just don't know what to do so come here to hopefully get some advice. Sorry to everyone who is experiancing loss especially at this time of year x

Kiki and star...would either of you consider counselling? My sister has gone through the local hospice. It is something I am considering.
I am so sorry you have joined us here :(
But posting on here has been a lifeline for me and I hope it will be for you.
It's all just such a mess....my dh and I performed CPR on my dad which didn't work. I will NEVER forgive myself. I keep seeing his face :(
I am trying to be there for my mum (who has been in and out of hospital since dad died) and also my siblings, and my aunt who is terminally ill but it is starting to take its toll on me now.
I think often it is easier to talk to someone you don't know iyswim? You won't be afraid of offending them or upsetting them.
I have found the past few weeks very very hard, what with being ill and just missing my dad. He was always there for me. All I had to to do was phone and he was there. The works suddenly seems a very lonely, scary place to me.
I am thinking of you all x

badvoc, just awful for you. my mum performed cpr on dad too but couldn't save him either... so traumatic. know exactly what you mean, all the light seems to have left the world. other than that from the children

star, know exactly what you mean... hug

It's hard.
Knowing that I will feel like this for the rest of my life.
I'm sorry, that sounds very bleak but ATM that's how I feel.
I am hopeful that the raw pain I feel now will fade. But I will miss him til I die....and I am not sure how anyone can help me with that.
I have decided to wait til after Xmas and decide whether to contact the counselling service then.
In a way I am lucky as I do have friends I can talk too (and you guys of course!)
In fact my mil lost her father in a very similar way (albeit he was older than my dad) so she knows how I feel.
Mum wants to go out for the day...sigh. Not really in the mood. But I feel I should go. She is lonely and bored and not remotely independent.
I think for me it's just the realisation that we are all so fragile...my dad was sat in a hotel room talking to my mum about pillows one second and the next he had gone :(
It seems truly unbelievable to me even now 5 months later.
I stand at his graveside and still can't believe I am there, that this happened to us, that he is gone.
Of course, it is happening to some poor family every second of the day, but like most other people prior to bereavement I walked in the sunshine and ignored the shadows :(

Hello bluestar I am sorry you have joined us here. The problem is that people who are not involved tend to forget very quickly and don't see that we are in pain and so sad . Only there's who have been through this trauma fully understand how devastating this time of our lives can be. Even dh,s think we are ok because we carry on and do normal things ( who else would do housework etc ) but they don't seem to realise that we are putting on a front for everyone around us. Inside we are broken and I don't know that it will ever be mended.We have all lost someone and in some cases two people , someone that we loved dearly and when you look ahead at all the years without them it is heartbreaking . It's trying to learn to live life without them that is so bloody difficult and that it seems is what we all struggle greatly with . In affect we have to somehow pick up the pieces and make a new life without them. This is the hard part and seems almost impossible to contemplate. 7 months is still not very long ago and of course this will be your first Xmas without your dear mum. It is very hard to get through these times and only serves to make our loss feel even more bleak. But together all f us here can make a difference to each other and you will get lots of support from us here .

Your post exactly sums it up. I am also going to decide re counselling after Xmas. Same, dad was there and fine one second, gone the next.. Terrified of everyone dying and life's true cruel nature has been revealed. Utterly shocking. Seems as surreal and impossible it did as the day it happened. Torment. Yes, before is now a bygone era.. We'll never be truly happy again . So sad

There is a hymn I like called "great is thy faithfulness" and one of the verses is very pat for me ATM.
"Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow"
That's what I wish for us all x

That's so fitting ... Can I ask re food? Feel so guilty eating a meal still, does that feeling ever lessen?

I think so.
I sometimes find myself laughing and think..."what are you DOING!" But my dad was such a lovely kind and gentle man that he would be very upset if I didn't.
I remember vividly about 3 days after he died - dh back at work, kids on summer hols, mum out of hospital and hanging some washing on the line outside...I just stopped and stood and thought "how can I be doing this? How can life be this normal? My life has been shattered and I am hanging washing out!"
Very odd feeling.
I still get pangs of it now.
My mum and I and my siblings have booked a meal for Xmas next week - something to do together to spend time together and remember dad.
Don't know if it's a good idea or not!

kiki we owe it to our departed parent to still have the best life we can in the circumstances. They would all be so distraught to think we will never have a happy life again. We will all have a happy life eventually but there will always be a longing for our loved ones and so although our lives will never be as completely happy as it was before. We will all still go on to have a ,life of some sort, even though there will always be a part of us missing. And yes you have to carry on eating and still do the everyday things we used to, you are an important person to your family and they won't want to see you ill through lack of food. We need food to live, whatever kind of life we have. Even drug addicts and homeless have to eat to survive
My mum left us a letter and the first sentence was " I hope this will bring you some comfort " so I know my mum would not want me to be like I am but like the rest of you, I loved her so much and my heart is forever broken, but I am trying. We all must try, we owe them that at least. Whatever it takes to get us on an even keel we must do it. Be it counselling Chatting to friends. Or on here . We can get there but it will take little steps and a while.
badvoc you have had a terrible time of it and in the circumstances you have held up really well . Waterlego * thinking of you and hope you are taking each day as it comes along.
To everyone, I know we all have a difficult time ahead in these days leading up to Christmas and I wish that you all find strength and peace to help you through

Thanks Lin.
Your kindness and compassion have been a big help to me
I don't feel like I am holding up.
I feel like I am drowning, but I will paddle on as best I can.
So lovely that your mum left you a letter, I am sure it must be a comfort x

It was a shock when I found it badvoc it was in amongst her papers and was simply addressed " to my children" I cried buckets when I read it. I of course have the original and I photo copied it for my other siblings ! I have not read it since. But my brother read it out at mums funeral. I will never part with it. I also have a luck f mums hair which I got when she was in the chapel of rest. I put it in my gold locket. Bu I am so scared of losing it that I don't wear my locket anymore. I also still have boxes of mums stuff still to be gone through and I have had them all stacked up on my landing upstairs and haven't touched them. I really need to do that but I'm sure I won't want to throw anything out ! I would hate to go back to those first early days, this became the house that everyone met at and where the vicar came to speak to us about the funeral etc. one of my most touching things is tha one of my brothers bought me a bunch of beautiful roses as he was worried about me. I will never forget that. I think I have struggled so much because I was at home all day and all the others were at work, this is where mum felt at home and where she would be most days for a cuppa. That's why I am lagging behind all my siblings I think. Mum would chat to all the students who passed through my home and enjoyed speaking to them about their countries etc. Mum I love and miss you and will eternally xxx

Now I've upset myself !!!

Yu may not think so badvoc but you have somewhere found amazing strength to get through everything that has been thrown at you. And that has been non stop since your dad died and then within hours to have your mum taken into hospital , then your aunt , various child illnesses. Your op. oh yes you have strength alright

Oh Lin :(
I know what you mean...I seem to be constantly on the verge of tears lately.
Hopefully going to see my aunt later on...she is fading fast :(

Thank you.
Don't feel strong...but I am a good faker :)

SM...pic on my profile of my robin :)

The robins are lovely a d I have put a pic on the night owl thread . It's a shame we haven't got the facility to put a photo actually on the thread as you can now in chat. Have you done that yet ? I put one of the robin and one of my dh. I didnt realise you can't take them off again ! Oops

I too have put one on my profile but for some reason it's wiped off my mums ornament. Must be an iPad thing , it didnt use to do that from my comp.

Awh i have been looking at your photos of the robins glad they found homes :p mine always reminds me of you guys when i am feeling glum

have done some switching around on my profile and added my photo and one of mum, since you hear me talk about her so often i figure it would be nice to see her too

I will try and post a photo of my dad....