Support thread for anyone who has lost a parent (4)

[mummylin2495]

Here is our new home hope it's as comfy as the last one

I have been struggling the last few days. Lost my mum to a rare but treatable illness in June. She died alone in hospital and although she had been very ill ( critical care for a week on a ventilator) she was improving and was expected to come come out of hospital.

Every night when I am trying to get to sleep, I go through those last few minutes before knowing she had gone- the phone call from my sister to say we needs to get to the hospital, me rushing out the door trying not to let my DD know what was going on as she was about to do her last AS exam that day. Knowing, as I parked the car at the hospital, walking towards the ward, that she had in all likelihood passed away, seeing the nurse outside her room who told me what had happened, seeing my dad in bits, seeing my mum lying on the hospital bed.

I just can't get it out of my head. And it's not getting any easier. I just so desperately want to know what happened at the end. She had rung for a nurse to go to the bathroom at 4 am. They helped her and then when the nurse went back in at 6am to take obs she had passed away in her sleep.

We had a meeting with the doctors the day after who told us they were as shocked as we were- that she had responded well to treatment and was supposed to be leaving hospital a few days later. They said they thought she had gone quickly, if she had been able to ring the bell for a nurse she would have done if she was in pain- that it must have been quick.

I hate that I never got to say goodbye. I want to know she didn't suffer. I want to know what happened at the end but I never will.

I just can't stop obsessing about it.

I want to know she is somewhere- wish I believed in something but I don't.

brigitbigknickers I know exactly how you are feeling. A very similar thing happened with my mum, she too was expected to come home but like your mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly . I too will never know exactly what happened, for a while I was eaten up with worry with things like, did she suffer, was she scared etc. then I would get upset because none of us got to say goodbye to her, nor her to us. It s heartbreaking. I don't know about you but I was in terrible shock and I will never ever get over that, and as you said walking into the ward, with my mum still warm, oh my god. So I have every sympathy for you. I have improved a lot but writing it has taken me back there for a moment. All I can say to you is that eventually the shock will lessen and you will start to accept what has happened. But you are not alone. Do post when you feel the need to.

I also think with it being Christmas it has brought your loss to the forefront of your mind . It is such an awful time to be without someone that you loved, and for you it was the first one which I think is difficult for everyone.

brigitbigknickers- my mum passed away suddenly overnight in hospital too, unfortunately my loss is even more recent (just before Christmas).

As a family we have worried about what happened at the end too, my mum was found collapsed in the bathroom. Did you find out the precise cause of death or did the doctors say what they suspected?

Just in case it's the same- my mum had a pulmonary embolism (large blood clot which travelled to the lungs). We have drs among our friends and family who have reassured us this would have been incredibly sudden, "just like turning the lights out" and mum would have known nothing. It is some reassurance to know this but sad that she died alone.

Best wishes to you and everyone else on the thread x

Big....I'm so sorry for your loss.
Imnotcute...my dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly too, and I know I should be grateful he didn't suffer but I can't feel that...not yet anyway.
Am quite ill again :(
Dr suspect gastritis from all the meds they have been telling me to take so no sleep again last night.
Got to have a. Camera down in case they have given me a stomach ulcer.
Lovely.

Oh dear badvoc when is this awful spell going to stop for you.it seems to be one thing after another for months now. Hope that can get it all sorted ASAP.

hope you got that rest I find you to have and told your dp I was going to sort him out if he didn't fuss over you

The doctors said it was either a heart arrhythmia or a stroke. As she had been ill for such a long time we didn't want to go through with a postmortem- the death certificate cited pneumonia as a secondary illness to her condition . Sorry for your recent loss Imnotcute I know what you are going through. You too mummylin thanks for your support. Open you feel better soon Badvoc

Hope not open- stupid auto correct!

Hello everyone, and a sad welcome to newbies. I'm sorry to read of your losses.

badvoc- goodness me, what relentless bad luck you're having. Hope you get the stomach problem sorted and I truly hope 2014 will be a brighter time for you. xxx

Driving back from the tip today, one of my mum's favourites came on the radio: John Denver's 'Annie's Song'. We had it at her funeral. I had a weep and a sing listening to that, and then the very next song that came on was the Hollies' 'Air that I Breathe', which was one of my Dad's favourites. More weeping and singing from me. I don't believe in 'signs' really, but it was nice anyway. :)

Hi everyone

Not been on much recently, struggling, dd's were ill over new year and we saw no one so plenty of time to think (not always a good thing )

40 years today since my lovely dad passed away and I still miss him desperately but at least mums with him now

So sorry for others with their recent (or not so recent losses)

it ishard isn't it with the death certificates and what they cite as the cause. before mum died when she was unconscious we were called into a family room by her consultants registrar ( mum long term cancer patient but In no way was this expected she went in for a scan!) and were told that because it was so sudden and unexpected he wanted to do an autopsy to find out why. I have to admit in hindsight I handled it very badly shrieked and sobbed a lot then left. couldn't believe they had pulled us all out of the room and she could of died alone basically to ask to use her for research, im all for research but their timing was horrendous and really unnecessary I thought. as it happened we got overruled by the coroner whoc ited that there had to be one due to the unexpectedness so it happened anyway, the death certificate said complications of cancer and I remember thinking what a bullshit reason that was, after all she had been through and fought that was what it came down too. I am sorry to see you have had to join us but we are a friendly bunch usually someone about to chat too. Hi sorry to hear the dds have been ill it is always at the busiest times of year isn't it. and hoping that you are doing something nice on your dads anniversary to remember him even if its just a quiet moment or a candle. I often feel like that about mum and wonder who she is with, her parents are still very much alive, I wonder if there is anything after is she alone.its very odd as im not religious in any way shape or form.

lego how lovely about the music, I am the same with certain songs but so glad Christmas is over purely because I have had to listen to the pogues everywhere I go, that was played at mums funeral and it was getting to the point I was trying to explain to the morrisons staff why I was sobbing choosing my apples...

Lego nice to hear about the music. I think you were meant to hear that [ smile]

I know what you are all talking about. My mum had a massive stroke in the night then was in a coma for 6 days afterwards. I was talking to her only at 10 pm just before she went to bed. I also went through the what ifs and shall I look at the scans and asking more but I had to decide wether to put to bed or take it all further and I decided to leave it I thought it would ruin my life and eat me up if I knew they had screwed up. I feel also though they couldn't have done more but - its all normal feelings the denial and anger and did belief. I went through them emotions over and over for a long time them feelings and thoughts do lessen but bubble back up to my surface! I told a consultant if you can't do anything get someone who can while sobbing my heart out. My mum apparently from the cert had a left lobe stroke!

Feeling for you all who are struggling. It's very hard. Huge hugs to you all.

Badvoc - keep us posted. Hope your be ok. My dad is being spoke to by the gastro team possible camera as he's had a lot of indegestion.

just seen this quote somewhere, isn't it the truth

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone. Rose Kennedy

I dont know who Rose Kennedy is, but I agree with what she says.

That is spot on ssd! Hope your going along not too bad Hun. Xx

Is it the grandmother in the American Kennedy family ? I am going to google it

Rosé Kennedy is the mother of Bobby, jack etc. I think two or three of her sons were assassinated so she knew a lot of heartache.

It's been a while since I posted and I'm sorry but yet again it's a me, me, me post.

It's stupid o'clock in the morning and all I can think about is my mum and now my lost boys.

For those who don't know, we lost three beautiful boys at 16+5 weeks gestation in 2005. Charlie, Harry and George.

For some reason, today and tonight have been very hard. The ending of Christmas and New Year maybe, who knows.

A kind friend suggested bereavement counselling but I'm not good at that; counselling. I don't like to talk on demand as such.

I'm just so so sad

Sorry xxx

Hi guys, not posted since NYE - just reading back please forgive me not mentioning everyone.
Welcome mavis no need at all to feel awkward; we're all just muddling through and there's no 'gang' or anything.
euphemia I'm glad you've got the funeral arrangements sorted; hard to grieve when things like that are glaring at you.
Brigit those flashbacks sound torturous :( I really hope they give way soon. June is very recent still, and hopefully your mind will finish processing that horrible time and let you have happy memories of your lovely Mum.
mouse how awful that you should suffer that pain 3 times and then your Mum too. Hopefully they are all together now.xxx

I'm busy making funeral arrangements for mum, although she died before Xmas we've been delayed in setting a funeral date as it was referred to the coroner.

I've been reading lots of poems to choose a reading. I also found one which is similar to the Rose Kennedy quote above and therefore reminded me of those of you on the thread who are further on than me but still grieving. Here it is if anyone would like to read "Time does not bring relief: You all have lied":

www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/175761

For those of you still facing funerals to get through , you have my heartfelt sympathies. It's an awful time for you and I hope you will have a lot of support to help you through the day, which in fact for me was bearable because of everyone else around me. It's afterwards when it's all over and others go back to their normal lives that I found it hurt the most, when people think in a couple of weeks you will be back to " normal" but we will all be here for you.imnotcute that verse is oh so true.

I had several people who had been bereaved already tell me after dad died that it doesn't get easier, that time doesn't heal.
Far from making me more upset it actually made me feel vindicated in how bad I was feeling iyswim?
I knew I would never "get over" dads death.
I knew that all the twee, well meant verses in the many cards we received were bollocks.
I have to learn to live despite my grief. And to live with it. It will never leave me. And - this may sound mad - I am ok with that. My dad deserves my grief.
Perhaps the first close death is the worst? I don't know.
Thinking of all those who have joined us recently x

I agree with you badvoc, we got a lot of cards one in particular stood out and although they meant well it said, although it hurts now you will speak of her and say her name again. and I thought, well I didn't need you to tell me that I am already speaking of her, she will forever be the biggest part of my life that I have lost. there will be no moving away from the fact that this has changed me as a person forever. she deserves me to miss her, grief is the price we pay for love perhaps, but she gave me much more than I ever gave to her. thinking of those still getting through the funeral.

am feeling a bit lonely tonight, everyone is back to school and I am back to milling about thinking what I would of been doing if mum was still here, I don't really speak to any of my friends anymore none of them bothered with me when mum died, none of them even mention her.

I am with you badvoc time hasn't done anything to ease it at all yet.

SM...I'm so sorry your friends have drifted away. How true that we find our true friends when going trough hard times.
I am lucky in that regard, I have friends I can speak to who have been bereaved themselves and who understand. One friend lost her dad 25 years ago and she told me she still cries at tv programmes and certain songs....and I know that if I am still here in 25 years I will be the same.
In a way it's liberating (in a very very odd sense) to know that this is the new normal for me. This is how it will always feel. I will always expect him to walk through the door, to hear his car engine, to see his smile.
I have to learn to live despite it.
I hope that in time the smiles happen more often than the tears.
For those of you who still have the funeral to get through...you are all in my thoughts x