Miss my son so much

[LilyTheSavage]

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

It is hard when you need to fall apart but keep getting up everyday and putting the mask on, especially when we do it for our remaining kids.

You are amazing Lily. As crappy as it is your family are lucky to have you as Paddy was for all the time he was with you.

You are doing brilliantly, on the outside Lilly, and just what you need to do for your other boys. They know you are struggling and love you all the more for the normality you are trying to provide for them. you love them so much and know that's what they need from you. How strong does that make you. You are a beautiful person, a wonderful mum to 3 gorgeous sons. I know how weak and awful you are feeling, but you are a strong warrior to the outside...Paddy will be so very proud.
I wish there was somewhere to hide and just let that fucking shitty day pass too. Holding your hand every step of the way my darling friend xx

It’s Paddy’s second anniversary on Monday and I’m feeling on a knife edge.

I’m so conscious that these are the last couple of days that he was alive. It’s all I can think of it. I have DS3 here with me and it’s very hard to keep the mask in place. I don’t want to burden him with my sadness.

I feel like just curling up and sleeping and sleeping but I can't.

You can sleep. Ds3 will understand. I know what you mean about not burdening him but I know he would understand if you said the exhaustion was making you tired. In fact I am quite sure he would go into protective mode and want to care for you. I know this is our role as a parent but maybe DS3 would value being able to help you. I think he may. His heart is breaking for the loss of Paddy but I am sure also because you are in pain. Allow him the opportunity to be strong for you. It isn't forever but just at this time. I know I would want to do that for my mum if the situation was reversed. I would feel like I was helping rather than being helpless and not knowing what to do.

My darling DS3 spent ages pouring over and Italian cook book yesterday afternoon and we went shopping and he then spent ages cooking something that took us only a very short time to eat. It was lovely seeing him doing that. He's such a darling.

I feel ok this morning but just so conscious that this was Paddy's last day. I want to know what he did and all the details but I just don't like to ask.

My heart breaks along with yours Lily. He should be sitting beside you laughing.

Thinking of you all today lily, I'm just so so sorry. Sending you love and strength xx

Thinking of you and Paddy today

You have been in my thoughts all day today. To all those that knew Paddy I hope this day passes as easily as it can and that as time passes your heart doesn't break quite so acutely and those precious memories you hold prevail through all times and bring you comfort.

I wish I had known Paddy when he was alive. I'm lucky to know Lily and she keeps his memory alive by sharing all she does. He continues to touch those through the stories you share Lily and brings comfort to us in our journeys.

May his memory be forever cherished by those near and far and may he continue to have an impact on all.

In loving memory of Paddy. To Lily and the family my thoughts are with you. How privileged you all were to have such a wonderful young man in your lives.

I too am lucky to know the wonderful, gorgeous, big hearted, fun, wine swilling Lily and have got to know a little about her gorgeous Paddy. Despite meeting through tragedy I am glad to call you my friend. I have shed tears for you and your family today for the big hole that Paddy has left in your lives. I am now drinking wine with you and will light a candle as the sun goes down. Keep buggering on my friend. Xxxxxx

My dearest darling friends. What would I do without you? Your kindness and love and support enable me to just keep breathing through another terrible day.

I am actually smiling and crying as I type this. It feels as if the three of you are here in the room with me and I've just introduced you! You're all fast becoming friends to each other as well. Much wine is being drunk by us all. Many tears are being shed by us all and we are holding each other tightly.

I've got to know each of you so well and also your darlings and we share our children and get to know them through each other.

I'm looking for them in the meteor showers and shooting stars.

Thank you all with my whole heart.

Your beautiful post brought tears to my eyes. Another Shitty day without your darling boy has passed. I'm so sorry that is the case.

You are in my thoughts.

and for lovely Mojito (and hugs but there isn't an emoticon for those).

Found a pair of Paddy's work gloves yesterday. They still smell of him. Made me weep and weep but I had to hide because I have my parents staying. I love them but my father drags me down. I've put the gloves in a zip-lock bag and have hidden it away so I can have private sniffs.

The missing and grief and anguish never goes away. I am just a better actress.

Lily - I haven't been on Mumsnet for quite some time. I'm finally able to get back to life as we know it. I think things are starting to calm down or at least get back to some sense of routine.

I hope you are well and just wanted to send you hugs and and . I think I'm even up for baking again this weekend. I have been flat lately and had no energy for anything but do feel like things are picking up.

Take care - talk soon.

Checking in on you. I understand those moments you find something of your loved one or have to let something go and how much it hurts. I have had to buy a new car which means I say goodbye to the one that DD rode in. I can still see her sitting in the front and holding my hand as we drove.

Another but if DD that leaves me now. Some days it's just too hard.

Thanks for checking in Mojito. I don't know where I've been for the last few weeks. Just keeping my head down and trying to get on with things and block out feelings of loss and anguish.

I am feeling a bit flat I think. I miss Paddy very much and am having to resist opening the bag to sniff his work gloves. I'm sort of frightened that the smell with disappear if I sniff them too much. It's too hard.

It will feel strange saying goodbye to your old car I'm sure. So many "but if"s and so many little goodbyes that are all just a part of tearing us apart and us carrying on regardless.

Does it feel as if the world should just have stopped turning?

We feel the loss so keenly there is many a time I wish the world had stopped and our loved ones were remembered by all. The passing of time is the cruelest thing as you feel others have moved on and don't remember our beloved children as we still do.

I have just read this and it was written by a friend who is also a bereaved parent. I've removed the name to guard her privacy (and taken some bits out for the same reason). I think she's summed up beautifully and completely how we feel.

"My own whys are a background to everything I do. They cannot be answered. I just have to live around them, recognising they are part of me, knowing that any answer will never be sufficient. They cannot bring you back, my darling.

But how you are loved!! ...

But I can give you my love. I remember the wonder of kissing your soft skin, the joy of watching you laugh, the absolute contentment you brought into my life.

Today, of all days, I must concentrate on love. The blackness of your death, the void in our lives is immense, and will overwhelm if I let it. But no.

My never-ending love story. We miss you so".

How beautiful and true.

Having not spoken to you in what feels like ages I wrote on here earlier today but it doesn't seem to have posted.

I'm just checking in on you and hope you have managed to weather the rough storm of emotions you have had lately.

All is good here. Ds2 had a bump in the road the other week but seems to be on track again. Ds1 is still sick of ds2 but I figure that is brothers.

I'm fragile today but hormonal so no surprise. I have been thinking of you and Paddy a lot lately. I'm still raising my cup to Paddy. Life is just shit. All of our children should be here.

Hi Mojito

Thank you for posting. I haven't checked in here for a while as I've been away with my husband and haven't had constant access to the internet. I read about DS2 and have posted as well.

I'm feeling reasonably calm at the moment thank you. I'm on holiday with my DH and am having a lovely time. However, I'm swimming a lot every day and every time I have my face in the water I have a picture of Paddy face-down in the stream. I don't want to share this with my DH as I just don't want him to think it too. I miss Paddy.

I will raise my coffee cup to you too. They should be here.

I'm raising my coffee as I write to you. I have the same issues as you when it comes to water. I don't tell others and especially not my boys. Bridges also give me the willies especially when they span water. It's so hard not to let the thoughts intrude.

Enjoy your holiday as much as you can.