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Bereavement

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Original poster

Miss my son so much

739 replies

LilyTheSavage · 10/11/2013 15:36

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

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Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 09/07/2015 19:09

My dear, dear friends. Thank you. Flowers

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Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 12/07/2015 08:40

I went to a Proms in the Park last night and one of the songs was "Jerusalem". I last sang it at Paddy's funeral. I couldn't sing.

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jenmac22 · 12/07/2015 11:22

Hugs lily, always something to make your heart sink lower.
Xxxx

jenmac22 · 23/07/2015 22:18

Hi lily, thinking about you and hoping you are ok. I hope the days are over very fast for you just now xx

Mojito100 · 27/07/2015 13:14

Thinking of you. Back after a short break. Take care. BrewFlowers

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 27/07/2015 20:10

Sorry I've been absent. I've been busy with my youngest son's graduation and just stuff. His graduation was lovely and was a happy occasion but there's always a shadow. I miss Paddy all the time.

A great honour though, my darling cuz has given her new baby Paddy's name as a second name. I am thrilled.... but still sad. He should be here and going over to visit them and getting big cuddles.

It's been incredibly stressful here on the building site and we've had to sack our builder. He's been aggressive and intimidating towards me and picked a fight with me (yes, me the client). He's been manipulative and has lied. He's slowed the project down. He had to go. Luckily my DH was there to deal with him. I don't think it's over though. Just thinking about it is stressful. I am flabbergasted that somebody can be so mean and devious just at the time when I could have done with honesty and support. It doesn't help. His behaviour has intensified everything I feel. Bastard.

It's leading up to the 2nd August which is the last day that I saw Paddy two years ago and then eight days later on the 10th he was dead. I can't believe it's two years. How can it go so quickly? I sometimes feel as if I'm just marking time until it's my time. It shouldn't be like this. Always a shadow. Always a reminder that Paddy's not here. I should have three sons still. Not just my lovely two.

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Mojito100 · 27/07/2015 22:55

I know all you are feeling. I too am marking time. You should have your three boys with you and I remain sorry that we had to find each other through such terrible loss. Always here for you and always thinking if you. Hugs coffee and wine being sent virtually your way.

Shineyshoes10 · 27/07/2015 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 29/07/2015 06:20

"I have let my mother wings down, unable to spread them as far as I used to. I think they are a little broken now.

I’m becoming old friends with Grief. I know when he might pop by and say hello, but sometimes he comes over unannounced. It’s a little mean and inconsiderate of him, but he doesn’t follow the rules. And then, sometimes, he makes me smile/cry and fall to my knees in the kitchen..."

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Mojito100 · 30/07/2015 12:01

Grief also continues to visit me. No matter how prepared I think I am for those impromptu visits they still catch me off gaurd. His cousin solitude is currently visiting me. I just need to be alone and quiet but no such luck unfortunately.

Take care of yourself as we head into dreaded August.

Always wishing Paddy was still with you.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 30/07/2015 20:56

Finding it hard to keep a grasp on reality and sanity as I approach the 2nd August which is the day I last saw my Paddy two long and short and terrible years ago. Then comes the 10th which is his anniversary. I am finding that I am ok and then suddenly without warning plunged back down. It frightens me that it can be so unpredictable.

I miss my boy more than I can say.

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jenmac22 · 30/07/2015 21:46

I know lily, the awful impending sense of doom, the build up to these dates are just gut wrenchingly difficult. It's all your brain thinks about, and it's exhausting.you are in my thoughts all the time,I'm praying that the time is quick. It makes me feel ill, just the very thought of the build up,it is so cruel . Keep busy lily in your beautiful garden. Sending you all my love and strength xxxx

Mojito100 · 31/07/2015 14:56

Thinking of you this weekend and raising my Brew and Wine to you and Paddy.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 31/07/2015 17:48

My dear sweet friends. You understand. You keep me going. It's good to know that I'm not alone and I"m not actually going mad. Thank you. Wine Wine

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derxa · 31/07/2015 20:21

Dear Lily
I'm with you Flowers
Dx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 31/07/2015 22:32

Thank you derxa Wine

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Mojito100 · 02/08/2015 01:04

.It's the 2nd here for me already. You were in my thoughts from the moment I woke up and will be all day. Wishing j could do more than tell you I understand and wish you weren't in this place we are. Hugs for you.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 02/08/2015 08:17

Brew for us Mojito

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jenmac22 · 02/08/2015 09:56

Hi lily. Sending you my love. Wish I could do more xx

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 03/08/2015 12:40

I should be buying him beers and making his favourite food and moaning at him because he's left all the dirty laundry on the floordrobe. Instead I'm ordering flowers for his grave.

It's just all so wrong.

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jenmac22 · 03/08/2015 14:28

Yes you should, it's a bloody nightmare. That's what I was thinking too, for David's birthday on the 23rd I'm getting a bench, he should be partying. Its all so wrong.
xxx

Mojito100 · 03/08/2015 22:55

Always thinking of you and even more so at this time. I think of your lovely G&T cake as Paddy's whenever I make it and because you were in my mind so much I made 2 last night. I will be thinking of Paddy today as we share the cake for morning tea at work.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 04/08/2015 12:50

I'd like to have a bench in the churchyard beside Paddy's grave so that I can sit on it instead of on the ground. That's a good idea jen.

That's made me smile Mojito. I love the idea of being remembered and thought of when you make cakes. Paddy's favourite cake was Victoria sponge. When he'd had a bad day at work (before he was a tree surgeon) he used to say to his friend "I'm going home and my mum will make me a cake". Might have to make one now. Just thinking it makes me cry again.

What would I do without you.

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Mojito100 · 05/08/2015 12:29

Checking in on you. This is a shitty time I know. How mundane is that horrible question "how are you". It really makes you understand that asking that question to someone in our position is just crappy. Therefore I'm not asking but sending you my thoughts constantly. You can't be anything but devastated and feel such a critical part of you is missing. Always wishing I could do more.

I'm going to attempt a Victoria sponge this weekend in memory of Paddy. I haven't made a sponge in years and when I did make one it was awful. It's time to give it another go with you and Paddy in the forefront of my mind. Then I will sit and toast you both in my chair and wish he was still with you.

Original poster
LilyTheSavage · 06/08/2015 17:14

Not doing brilliantly to be honest. I'm trying very hard to keep going and keep everything in check as my youngest son is here and I don't want to burden him. My father is going on about making a speech/toast at a birthday lunch for one of his oldest friends who is going to be 90. He doesn't understand how I'm not interested in an old man's birthday party the weekend of my darling boy's anniversary. I just don't give a fuck. It's becoming increasingly difficult not to be rude.

I'd just like to hibernate for a few days until the 10th is over and done with but it's not fair on DS3.

Hope your Victoria sponge rises well and tastes delicious. XXX

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