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Need hand holding as I sit with my dad who is dying

255 replies

kansasmum · 01/06/2013 02:17

My Dad is end stages of liver cancer. I'm sat with him tonight as the normal
Nurse cover was in an availabl

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WandaDoff · 09/06/2013 02:07

I didn't cry for a long time after Dad died. I did all the practical stuff, such as arranging the funeral & wake. generally taking control of things where I could.

I found it to be, a strange, family time, where we made practical arrangements, but had to properly interract with each other for the 1st time in years.

I found that I didn't seem to grieve really till I got home to Scotland with DP & the family. Which was maybe a month after the huge shock of Dads sudden illness & my sudden dash home.

WandaDoff · 09/06/2013 02:11

Just take each day as it comes, my love.

He knew that you loved him. You proved that over & over.

The next few weeks are going to be an absolute bastard Angry

You'll get through it though, & you'll come out stronger the other side.

I wish you peace, & hope, & a lot of love. xxx

Dutchoma · 09/06/2013 09:54

Remembering you and your family in thought and prayer.

kansasmum · 09/06/2013 21:15

Well today was a bit surreal. Choosing a coffin, choosing clothes for Dad to be buried in, sorting out an order of service. Mum and I spent a coupe of hours going through old photos and I have a big envelope of photos of Dad which I'm going to make a montage of, to display at the wake.

Had a huge hissy fit at poor Dh today over some thing ridiculous - and a good sob afterwards.
Still feel really tired:(. Went to church tonight and friends there were lovely- which of course made me cry!

My ED has written a lovely little piece to read at the service and Eli wrote something too- he won't read it at the funeral but what he wrote was sweet:)

Early night for me tonight I think.

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friendlymum67 · 09/06/2013 23:41

So, so sorry Kansas. I have been where you are now and the 5th anniversary of my DF's death is approaching. I am dreading it Sad There are no words and no right or wrong way to grieve - be kind to yourself - your dad is resting now and would want you to rest too. You did everything you could for him Flowers

kansasmum · 10/06/2013 10:21

Oh bloody hell - Yd has her Maths GCSE re-sit on Friday:( I had completely forgotten. Crap mum that I am. Friday is when the funeral is.
Just phoned the school and they are ringing me back later.
I was trying really are not to cry on the phone.
Surely this sort of thing has happened before? Kids must get ill or family members die during exam time?

Off to the funeral directors shortly. Feeling crap today.

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Homebird8 · 10/06/2013 10:42

Oh Kansasmum, don't beat yourself up about not remembering YD's exam. Things slip at times like this. I hope school can help you sort it out. Likewise I'm sure your DH will forgive you. If you can't throw a hissy fit now, however ridiculous, then when can you? He knows you're holding so many things together. He's just struggling to keep up I suspect.

All that decision making to do with the funeral is exhausting and there are so many things to do. We buried mum in a bright red wool dress that she'd just bought and worn once, with great pleasure, just before she died. I nearly bought a matching one to wear for the funeral (but it wasn't my shade of red!)

Thinking of you as you find the things you need to do. Hope you are coping. Flowers

shabbatheGreek · 10/06/2013 11:41

Kansas - this year at my DS4's school - there have been 2 year 11's who have lost their Mums and one year 11 whose sister has died. They have bent over backwards to help all 3 pupils. I am sure they will be as accommodating as they can. You are right, when someone you love dies everything else goes out of the window doesn't it? I think thats because your world has been turned upside down and 'normal' everyday stuff doesn't seem to belong in it xx

shabbatheGreek · 12/06/2013 12:08

Wondering how 'things' are for you xx

kansasmum · 12/06/2013 17:39

I'm not too ad. Funeral is on Friday and I've done the Ordervif Service, booked the restaurant or family meal

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kansasmum · 12/06/2013 17:47

Arghhhh pressed post too soon! Done the order of service, booked meal for family between Burial and Thanksgiving service, sorted Caterers for tea after service, helped my sister buy an outfit and bought myself shoes as I ad dress and no shoes, took mum shopping to get an outfit- she proceeded to tell the sales assistant in a v loud voice all about Dad dying including how he "died in her arms"- ( he didn't, she was holding his hand but whatever....!), liaised with Vicar over service so think everything's sorted.
Tonight I am going out for a meal for a friends birthday with a lot of the other mums from school - will be nice to go out. Tomorrow I'm going to work - need to do something otherwise I will wallow.
Dreading Friday though I really am:(

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ClaraOswald · 12/06/2013 18:40

Kansas- you sound like you are doing everything you can to keep busy.
Friday,it may hit you all at once or it may even be next week, when there is nothing tangible to focus on except he is no longer with you. Take the time you need to look after yourself.
x

Dutchoma · 12/06/2013 19:22

You are doing so well, especially with your mum, that must be really hard. What hymns are you having?

FrameyMcFrame · 12/06/2013 19:42

Sorry Kansasmum, love to you and your family.

i lost my Dad too, it's hard Flowers

kansasmum · 12/06/2013 23:36

Dutchoma - we are having how great thou art, O Jesus I have Promised and ( my fave) The day thou gavest - which is guaranteed to make me cry!

Nice meal tonight and a few laughs!

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Homebird8 · 13/06/2013 08:01

Those hymns are great Kansasmum, some wonderful words of comfort.

Glad going out with your friends gave you a few laughs too. It does help to take your mind off things sometimes. You've achieved some amazing things in the last few days. I'll be praying for you on Friday. Don't worry. It'll be ok. Flowers

shabbatheGreek · 13/06/2013 08:42

Oh I love the hymns you have chosen. 'Oh Jesus I have promised' was one that we always sung at school.

My Dad has told me that when his 'time comes' he wants 'our' song played. 'We dont cry out loud' by Elkie Brookes. One of the lines in it is 'Baby (meaning me) can't be broken cause you see.....she had the finest teacher thats me (meaning Dad). I have told him I will make sure it is played.

Will light a candle here in Lancashire on Friday. To honour your Dad and all the family. xx

Dutchoma · 13/06/2013 10:34

Wonderful hymns, Kansas. Makes me shed a tear already. Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Wolfiefan · 13/06/2013 10:39

So sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

kansasmum · 14/06/2013 08:55

The day is here:(
Already feel sick and shaking.
Goodbye my darling Dad you really were the best. I love you xxxx

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shabbatheGreek · 14/06/2013 09:07

Thinking about you today - have already lit my candle in honour of your Dad.

I know this sounds silly but I hope the day goes well for you. Goodnight God bless Kansas Dad xxxxx

shabbatheGreek · 14/06/2013 09:09

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her casket from beginning to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own, the cars, the house, the cash,

What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard; Are there things you would like to change?

For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough to consider what is true and real

and always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives like we have never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile,

Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So when your eulogy is being read with your life?s actions to rehash?

Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spent your dash?

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOUR DAD LIVED HIS DASH VERY WELL.

Dutchoma · 14/06/2013 11:36

Thinking of you today.

ClaraOswald · 14/06/2013 13:56

You're in my thoughts.x

Homebird8 · 14/06/2013 21:20

Hope it went well today Kansasmum. I have been thinking of you.