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Original poster

Need hand holding as I sit with my dad who is dying

255 replies

kansasmum · 01/06/2013 02:17

My Dad is end stages of liver cancer. I'm sat with him tonight as the normal
Nurse cover was in an availabl

OP posts:
Original poster
kansasmum · 07/06/2013 16:26

I am beyond exhausted yet can't sleep, I miss him so so much. Am I really never going to see him again?
I have spent today with my mum who is dealing with it so well- she's really amazed me. Perhaps being able to DO stuff is easier as she feels in control and she had no control over the cancer that Dad had.
I collected the death certificate today. I helped compose the bit to go in the local paper, I helped mum remember hymns, I cried, I ate, yet what I want more than nothing is to sleep and it won't come for more than 10 mins:(
My dh has organised the burial plot for Dad- row L plot 23- how perfunctory that sounds- a row and a number.
Funeral directors are coming Sunday to discuss everything.
We have phoned friends and told them. We have received beautiful flowers.

I just want my Dad.

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BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/06/2013 16:28

Oh darling :(

It IS so hard, it really is but you will get through this. When my mum died I was so full of despair but, and it is a cliche, time really does heal.

Just all be there for eachother, that is all you can do at this stage.

Sending lots of hugs your way xx

mignonette · 07/06/2013 16:32

It is my Father's birthday today. He died eleven months ago. My FIL died two months ago and my cat 7 months ago. it has been a cold cruel year.

My love and sympathies to you. I was with my Father when he died but us children were not close to him and we have been left with pretty awful emotional and psychological damage from our childhoods.

I envy the closeness and love you have for your father and hope that one day it will become a source of smiles rather than tears and pain. I won't patronise you with platitudes about time healing and all that stuff. Rather, you gradually find a place for it all in your mind and your every day life. There will always be sharp and often unpredictable moments of pain and loss but they do seem to become less frequent and your memories will be bitter sweet rather than just sadness.

Sending you all my love Flowers

shabbatheGreek · 07/06/2013 16:58

Kansas I think that all your feelings and emotions are totally, totally normal. You have lost someone that you love dearly. I visited my parents and told them what had happened - they dont really understand the internet but my Mum said 'You know your friend? How can we both give her a hug and tell her we are sorry for her loss?' My Dad just looked at me and raised his eyebrows!!! He asked if I would pass on his and Mums love to you and your family xxx

trulymadlydeeply · 07/06/2013 17:24

So sorry to hear about your darling Dad, Kansas. I was there a year ago and it still feels numb, even after all this time. i wouldn't wish my dad back as he was so ill, but he's left a dad-shaped hole and I miss him terribly. Really feel for you and hope that you've managed to get some sleep. You've done so well by him - he would have been proud of you.

Lots of love,

Xxx

TheWombat · 07/06/2013 17:39

Oh Kansas :( I am sorry. It is so hard. Be patient with yourself now. Flowers

I hope I turn out to be half the daughter you are when the time comes.

PollyLogos · 07/06/2013 18:02

My condolences Kansas, I'm so sorry to read that your dad passed away last night but so glad he was peaceful and had his loving family with him.I hope you manage to sleep well tonight. xxx

Original poster
kansasmum · 07/06/2013 18:31

Thanks everyone xx
Shabba- bless your mum that's so lovely!

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DisappointedHorse · 07/06/2013 18:37

I'm so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing imaginable to watch someone you love die.

I'm sure he knew you were there and you eased his passing. I hope you can find some peace and your mum comes to appreciate all you did.

Big love.

ClaraOswald · 07/06/2013 18:47

Kansas, I am so sorry for your loss.

These past few days especially have been very trying for you, and very intense. Your love and dedication to him have shone through so much.

All I can do is offer love and sympathy to you and your family.x

fackinell · 07/06/2013 19:12

Oh Kansas, feeling so sad for you. Not surprised you can't sleep. It'll be all the adrenaline coursing through your veins with the stress.

As for will you see him again, each one of us will have a different belief but my personal one is we do.

Nothing can take your grief away but I at least hope you can get some sleep tonight. He's a peace now and sounds like he was a lovely man. Thanks

Trumpton · 07/06/2013 20:06

My friend lost her Dad not longer after I looked after " My boney King of nowhere " nickname for my 6 ft 4 inch dad who stayed at home until he died . I remember her note to me saying that " Us Daddies girls must stick together " and I send the same thought to you.

All the Daddies' girls send their love.

lymeregis · 07/06/2013 22:23

Dear Kansas, I have been thinking of you. So sorry to hear of your loss. In my thoughts.

Original poster
kansasmum · 08/06/2013 09:12

Finally managed to sleep- crashed out for 9 hours straight so feel MUCH better now.
Going to clean my house today- my best friend was going to do it yesterday with my cleaner but then Dad died the night before so everything got cancelled. But will be nice to clean up and keep busy.
Going to see mum later.
Beautiful day here again.
Keep thinking of lovely things Dad said to me over the last few weeks- said I was his best girl, and that I had the kindest heart - makes me cry but in a good way. God I miss him. Xxx

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Dutchoma · 08/06/2013 10:12

So glad to hear you slept Kansasmum. It's quite cool here this morning, but promises to warm up later. Glad the sun is shining for you.

Homebird8 · 08/06/2013 12:05

Thinking of you Kansasmum. Bury yourself in the cleaning if it helps. How is your DD? You said she and her grandad were close.

Original poster
kansasmum · 08/06/2013 14:19

My ED is doing ok. She still has moments of tears but she is trying to keep busy. She's gone with her lovely boyfriend to see his brother today. He is severely disabled and lives in a residential centre. She sent me such a sweet picture of her boyfriend and his brother on the swings together:)
Going down to see mum this pm. She is doing ok- lots of friends coming to see her which helps.
My house is nearly sorted!

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Original poster
kansasmum · 08/06/2013 21:53

Why can't I cry today? I went to mums and thought it would set me off again but no.
I've kept busy blitzing my house. It feels like something switched off inside me today.
I miss my dad but feel nothing today:(

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Themobstersknife · 08/06/2013 21:58

Kansas it is totally normal. When my mum died, I didn't cry for ages. A few days after she died, I had a conversation with my boss which basically brought on a panic attack but still no tears. I didn't cry at the funeral because I was being strong for my siblings. In the next few weeks, the tears would come at the strangest times, but mainly when I was driving to work. Everyone deals with things in their own ways. Grief on the telly is all about tears. Grief in reality takes many different forms. Bless you. You will cry. In your own time and in your own way.

Homebird8 · 08/06/2013 21:59

I don't think I could sort my house that quickly Kansasmum, even with a cleaning urge upon me! Funny how everyone responds differently to loss. I just needed friends around me and quietly in their houses they fed me and listened and rebuilt me. I'm so glad your ED has her boyfriend and a visit to his brother sounds like a good idea. Swings are great whatever your age or ability. Exercise and fun. Your mum's friends seem to be a good support for her too. Take time for you. What is supporting you. don't be afraid to seek help from your friends too. They will be happy to be there for you.

This bit before the funeral is odd. Have you all started to make plans yet?

I'm sure your dad knew how much you would miss him and knew the comfort of his words about your kind heart would comfort you. You did the very best for him that you could. It's tough but you were both strong and gentle, sensible and loving. Not an easy balance. He must have been very proud of you. Flowers

Original poster
kansasmum · 08/06/2013 22:31

Yesterday I kept crying on and off all day but was totally exhausted so that probably contributed.
As a nurse I have always told people there is no right or wrong way to grieve so perhaps I should take my own advice.
Feel guilty for not crying- oh I dont know what I feel!

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Themobstersknife · 08/06/2013 22:32

Don't feel guilty. Take care.

Wombatsliketoast · 08/06/2013 22:34

My Dad died six weeks ago. He was always keen for me to look after my money - "look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves".

Nearly every day I find a penny in an odd place - inside an old gardening glove, jammed in the self serve change dispenser at Tesco, on my car seat, on the kitchen floor even though I've vacumed moments before and lots more.

Strange times.

Take care of yourself kansas. Your Dad will be looking out for you.

Heavywheezing · 08/06/2013 22:42

So sorry Kansas. It's evident from your posts that you loved your dad.

Homebird8 · 08/06/2013 23:58

Definitely time to take your own advice Kansasmum. Do it your way and don't compare that to other people except to marvel at our individuality. Cry if tears come. Be practical or smile or joke if that's the way you feel at that moment. And if you flip between them then that's ok too.

We found it was important to make the funeral one which had a bit of everyone in it so that we all had our small corner of memorial in it. Dad chose music, my DSis chose a reading and wrote a prayer, I wrote and read a eulogy, my aunt made cake. What does your heart tell you? Maybe ask your DSis and your mum and your ED the same question. Make something beautiful which will pull you together in it's diversity.

Sending you a hand hold for every moment of every day. Flowers