Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

[mummylin2495]

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

not

10 years, not 0.

Waterlego...hope you have a restful break in France.
I know what you mean re long lists of stuff to do, phone calls to make, e mails to send.
This morning I have had to phone the council, take mum to the gp and e mail HR at dads firm.
I guess it will start to calm down soon...?
I have no idea what "proper" grieving is tbh. The lady at the hospice made me stop and think...we were chatting and she said;
"You have told me about your dad, about your mum, about your sister, about your brother and about your dc...how are you?"
And I was speechless was for about 10 seconds.
I don't know how I am. I don't know how I feel. She said she thinks I am in "coping mode".
Thing is, I don't really have much choice. I would love to be able to say "can you do this? I am finding it really upsetting/hard to deal with" but I don't have that luxury.
Do any of you feel that way? :(

Yes, I feel that way Badvoc. I've lost count of the number of people who've said during the last few weeks: 'don't forget to look after yourself'. And I nod and say 'of course', while thinking 'it'll have to wait until after I've sorted out mum's hospital appointment/taken her rubbish out/helped her with online banking/taken her to the supermarket/taken forms into the building society/attempted to have conversations with French estate agents about property valuation/fed my kids/had some sleep......'

I think I'm firmly embedded in 'coping mode' too; which is why I'm a bit worried about suddenly being on a campsite in France without a 'to-do' list.

Badvoc What are your siblings doing to help?

That sounds very familiar WL :(
My sister is being quite helpful - she takes mum shopping and has stayed overnight with her but my brother on the other hand....
I don't know. Maybe Aibu expecting someone to behave in a way they can't/never have?
But I am so tired.
I am worried about how I will be next week tbh....the dc are at school full time from Monday (ds2 on half days today and tomorrow) and it will be the first time I will have had some time since dad died.
I don't think it's going to be pretty.

I had the tele in the kitchen on just now while getting dinner tray and they were showing " long lost families " it made me cry because of course I thought of my own mum.

Tray = ready !

i always watch long lost familys, then i kick myself and think what the hell have you done that for you plank...

looked into the bereavement group in my local hospice today I feel better about the idea of a group than just me and someone else but I can't go . its on a Monday night after dcs bedtime and there is noone to sit with him.

Could your mums dh come and sit for you ?

not really he works 12 hour shifts, my dad works different days/times too. we plod on eh x

super, whereabouts are you? maybe some one from mn could sit for you? I'd help in a minute if you are near me x

I have just emailed to see if there's a different group or time, would be nice to meet people who know what its like.

I agree with you there, talking to someone who knows what its like would make all the difference. But I have found everyone here has helped me, least of all to know I'm not alone or going mad!! Today I was talking to a friend and talking about my siblings and crying, she said I don't think its normal for you to feel this strongly almost a year after your mum died and I said no, its totally normal, she said I'm sure its not and I said trust me, how I feel is part of the grieving process and its perfectly normal. And I know it is because so many posts here make perfect sense to me so I know I'm not alone in my feelings. Its just so painful trying to explain it to someone who has there mum and dad and close sister just up the road. Its like explaining childbirth to a man.

I wish I was near you SM...I would babysit for you!
I am not sure whether I will go to counselling or not. Guess it depends how I cope once the kids are back at school etc.
Ssd...I think in the west we have very odd views about death and grief. There does seem to be an attitude of "stiff upper lip" and that after a certain time you should be "over it".
Well, like you, I will never be "over" the loss of my dad.
And at times it is overwhelming to realise that. That I will feel his absence for the rest of my life.
Scary.

I'm with you badvoc and ssd I too will never get over my mums death. I was chatting to my sis in law this aft an she said, almost the same thing, not nastily . But that we have to accept it. But she still has her mum too. Tried telling her how devastating it is, but until it happens she won't know.
Hope you can get another time to go supermario

Well, all these people telling us "to get over it" have probably never been bereaved themselves.
It will come to them, as it does to us all eventually.
And then they will know how cruel it is to say those words.
:(
Saw a few people yesterday (school gates) I hadn't seen since dad died.
It's so hard.

Hi all,
Haven't been here for a while but have lurked a bit and got comfort from thinking about what others have said. Hope that's not too selfish of me.
Mum died 4 and a half months ago and there are days when it feels as if it was only yesterday and I feel so sad. Other times I am busy and not actively thinking about her but I always have a feeling of something not being right. I still cry a lot but have to do it privately as don't want to upset the family. DD is off to Uni in a couple of weeks and I don't want to spoil that for her by being upset all the time. I am finding it hard to contemplate though, so soon after losing mum.
Today is mum's birthday. She would have been 86. We are all going to the garden of remembrance later. Her memorial is there now as her ashes were buried last week, just me and DH present for that. Then off shopping for uni stuff with DD. Am excited for her bit so full of sadness too

marshy four and a half months is a really short time, so no wonder you Rs still feeling your mums death so avidly. I know what you mean regarding feeling like yesterday, in about nine weeks it will be two years for me and it still feels like last week for me too
The first of anything is the worst one to get through, you can't help thinking back to the last birthday / Mother's Day / Christmas, it's really very sad. celebrate your mums birthday as best as you can.i have just realised that wether our loved ones are here or not. nothing can stop it still being their birthday ! It always will be.
I expect in a way you are dreading your dd going on to uni as its sort of another loss for you and a great change. Where do our babies suddenly disappear to?
But how exciting for her to be starting a new life, I'm sure your mum would be very proud of her granddaughter.

Hi all.

ssd I can't believe your friend questioned whether you should still be grieving this much for your mum. It sounds as though you and your mum were very close and your feelings are absolutely normal.
"Its just so painful trying to explain it to someone who has there mum and dad and close sister just up the road. Its like explaining childbirth to a man."
I think you have hit the nail on the head there, spot on. People have no idea how it feels to lose a loved one forever and it seems mean to be giving you advice. Hope you're doing ok.

t875 sorry I missed your birthday, hope you managed to enjoy it. I'll pm you xx

mummylin Hope you're well. I can't believe it will be 2 years soon for you, where does the time go?

badvoc How are you coping? I think you are right that you will feel your dads absence for the rest of your life. So many things make me think of them and feel sad for them for things they're missing. For me it's been 19 months since my mum died and 7 months since my dad died and it still feels weird typing that, in my head it's like I will see them again one day like they're on a really long holiday and then realisation hits that no, no I won't

I've been on holiday for 2 weeks and although we had a lovely time I came home with a heavy heart knowing that in the coming months we have to finish clearing mum and dads house and sell it, and just the thought of that makes me want to cry.
Just before we went away mum and dads new plaque was finally put up at the crematorium, we had a new one put where mums was so they are together xx

BB...glad you had a good break. Sounds like you needed it. Nice about your parents plaques...dads headstone will be another 6 weeks or so til it's in place. There is a wooden cross ATM. Went today to replace the flowers from Tuesday.
I know exactly what you mean about thinking they are holiday...it does feel like that. Or rather my poor brain is tricking me into thinking that...even after the funeral and interment!
Wrt the house, I can't imagine his hard that will be for you. Emptying dads wallet was bad enough. It's so final isn't it? I suppose that's why we find it so very hard.
Thinking of you x

Thanks badvoc The plaque took 10 weeks! It was so nice to see it there, with both of their names on it, together forever.
Your poor brain is probably worn out, it's all so recent and sudden for you xx

5 weeks today since dad died BB.
And today was a memorial for someone we knew who died same way as dad in holiday in Portugal. Just awful. I feel so sorry for them all.

thanks bb

yes I agree, sometimes we forget there are so many people out there grieving just now, I think because grief is so lonely you feel you're the only one doing it.

I wanted to ask you all, does anyone feel they are really morbid since losing their mum or dad? I really feel like I've got the worlds grief on my shoulders. And I've became someone who was a worrier to a real hypochondriac, everything I get is a serious illness now, in fact I've got a hospital apt next week for something that's really worrying me, it just makes me feel sick to think there might be a real problem and something might happen to me. I've always been a worrier but this is at new levels. I used to be quite positive but everything is doom and gloom now, even with the kids and dh. Its like the fun has been taken out of me. I think marshy said the same thing above, it rung a bell. I don't know when enjoying life comes back, everything seems such a struggle and a worry. And I'm so envious of everyone I know with close family about them, esp their mums or dads, there's some people I cant speak to now as I know they'll tell me all what they've been up to with their mums and it breaks my heart, the girl at work does it all the time, I try to just walk away but its like little stab wounds. I'm such a bitter resentful person now, I don't like it but nothing seems to be lifting me out of it. Am still waiting for cruse to call me.

I'm sorry for everyone here, I really am xxx

Ssd... I am not a nice person to be around ATM. At my best I am simply impatient but at my worst I am venomous. I feel like the world is grey, and I can't imagine it getting better anytime soon.
I wish I knew what to say to you x {hugs}
I have a hospital appt at 4pm tomorrow with the cardiologist (long story, but I had an episode of AF in may, was rushed to resus, kept overnight and have been waiting for this appt since then!)
Not sure what they will say...I had a heart echo and 24 hour monitor test. But of course, when they asked me about history of family heart disease I said "none" :( that's no longer the case, sadly.
Ssd...have you checked online at your local hospice? They often do bereavement counselling and their wait times tend to be shorter x