Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

[mummylin2495]

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

CC...oh bless him! Poor little one. And how hard for you and your dh to witness his distress. There are just no words at times are there?
You are so right about finding out who cares and who doesn't! Am so sorry your mums family are not there for her and you. Your mum sounds so lovely.
My dh only has 1 aunt. She has met my dad loads of times. No phone call, not even a card. I am ridiculously upset about it.

Wrt counselling...I don't know tbh.
I am lucky in that I have good friends to talk to - and you guys of course! - unlike mum. And her loss is so much greater than mine iyswim?
Wrt my siblings...it's pointless for me to expect them to behave differently to they have always behaved. Yes, I feel a it resentful ATM but we are all grieving in our own way. My sister has been pretty good tbh. My brother less so. Sigh.

A month today.
Miss you, dad x

hard isn't it badvoc I find myself doing the same first it was a week without seeing my fab mum when I never normally went a day without seeing her. then a month now its coming up to a year . can't believe I haven't seen her face in so long. thinking of you, you have some wonderful memories and one day you will be able to smile at them again

It's hard when DCs get upset as I try to be strong for them and not let them see me upset as they get upset that I'm upset. Seeing them cry sets me off even though i try to hide it. It's near impossible at times like these though as I just want to cry and stamp my feet and shout its not fair.

My thoughts are with you today Badvoc I hope today isn't too hard for you and your DS.

It dosent seem possible it's a whole month badvoc I would imagine the people who got married that day will always think of your dad on their wedding anniversary. Horrible for all of you when you were all there to celebrate a nice thing,
crazykat and waterlego I have no idea how you are coping, it must be constantly on your minds about the future. All you can do is continue to enjoy. These days as much as possible and continue to make so many more memories.
t8758 hope today is going well
I myself had a very weird dream with my mum in it last night, I can't really recall it all as it seemed to be all mixed up, very odd !
ssd thinking of you , and biscuits we hope you are doing ok , and to everyone else I wish you a happier time ahead.

T....can I ask how long it was after your mum died that you went to cruse?
Sadly the local hospice bereavement service which was recommended to me doesn't serve our area (typical)
Do cruse come out to your house? Mum doesn't drive.

Hi Badvoc I went to to cruse at around 6 months after my mum passing. I called them 4 months after. I did however phone the generic help line for cruse though a few times before that and found them to be really helpful well helped to talk about my feelings.
Hope you can get something worked out for your mum badvoc. X

Mummylin how great you having a dream. I know I've had something like that and just remember waking up and saying if only I could see you I'm my dream or you talk!!
Job went well thanks mummylin. Not getting attached this time as its only 6 weeks then I'm gone again. So I'm going with the flow this time.

Hi to everyone else. Thinking of you all hope your days are going along the best they can. X

hi badvoc, I'm waiting for an apt with cruse, it seems to take forever. I first phoned them a few weeks after my mum died but they told me it was too soon for counselling, they said that sometimes getting counselling too soon sort of does more harm then good. At the time I was desperate and I thought this was really exceptionally cruel, but in hindsight I can see the logic behind it. At first you are just literally going mad with it and are desperate. I don't know it anything but time helps then. The stage you are at is just utter heartbreak and feeling totally bereft. I was in your position when my dad died over ten years ago, my mum and dad were married nearly 50 years and she was utterly heartbroken. But she eventually rallied round. Though I don't know what she'd have done without me and ds1. Like you, I wanted to take all the hurt and sadness away from her, but I just couldn't. All I could give her was my time. Its all you can do. My mum wasn't a "joiner" either, she went to no clubs and all her friends were mostly dead. It fell to me to look out for her and eventually look after her, but it never felt like that, she was my mum and I couldn't have just left her to get on with it anymore than I could have left my toddler to get on with things alone. Sometimes with mum it was like having a third child. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is just try to support your mum as best you can and try to look after yourself a bit too. That's about the best advice I could give you, just be there for her, even if its just phoning her or getting your dc's to draw a picture for her. Let her know you're there. She'll be worried about you, too. That's what families are about, looking out for each other.

t875, I hope the job is going ok, thinking of you and everyone else here xxx

THats exactly what the lady at the hospice said too ssd.
I guess they have a point...it's still such early days for us.

it just feels cruel when your so desperate for something to make you feel better , but at that stage its just a case of getting through the days..... xxx

Aha!
The lady at the hospice rang back..because we are in the border of 3 counties out dr surgery are in fact covered by their remit.
So we will all be able to go of we want to.

glad you can get someone to talk to badvoc. having a really bad day today, bad dream about when mum was in hospital now I can't stop going over it did she feel alone In those few weeks when we were only there at visiting, did she know she was dying, was she scared. was she cross at us for not doing more, did it hurt her. I hate feeling like this wish there was the option to get away frommy own thoughts. I miss her so much and I hate to say it cause I sound like a nasty bitch but I look at all the waste of space people on the news ect and I think why her, why the hell did it have to be our 45yr old mum, my dcs nan. life is not fair tonight, sorry to bring you all down

Oh supermario I understand. I really do.
I feel pretty venomous the whole time ATM.
I am angry at everyone.
Healthy people, happy people, retired couples living happily together.
My parents didn't get to enjoy their retirement and I am so angry they were denied that.
Mum isn't well today so that's not helping.
I am sure your mum knew you loved her. Visiting hours rules are made by the hospital, not you, and most times there is good reason (coronary care etc)
The day your mum died does not define you or her. She lived, and loved. And I hope that soon we will all be able to focus on the love, not the pain x

I have exactly the same feelings as you supermario I go over and over it on my head , was mum scared. Wa she in any pain, I hate thinking about it, but I can't help it.. For you , your mum was far too young and I can't imagine how awful that was, my mum was lot older, but it dosent make it any better. I too look at all the low life around and think the same
when mum first died I actually had. Real physical pain inside, ,now I am filled with sadness still but my heart dosent hurt physically. We cannot go over and over things We can't change it now Nd we have to live our lives, but it's easier said than done isn't it, how do we live normally without our beloved mums / dads ?
badvoc glad you will all be able to see someone.
t785 hope today has been another good one for you, how many days do you have to do ?
crazykat hope you have been able to spend time with your mum in the last couple of days, tell her to keep a look out for an al IMO squirrel, it will give her something to think of .
waterlego hope things are relatively peaceful for you at the moment and your mum is as well as can be expected
ssd as usual here's hoping you are coping a bit better, seeing as you had all the stress and did everything yourself you are actually doing well. Even if you don't think so. You did everything and cleared out the house all on your own , that is.a tremendous amount to do. But you did it.
biscuits are you ok ?
And for everyone else on this thread, hope things are improving for you all , at least by a little bit

that's exactly how it feels like it doesn't physically hurt anymore but everything requires so much more effort than before. the fun has gone out of me a bit maybe. I'm sorry to have brought a sad few feelings to the surface there is nowhere else I can really admit to thinking these things over. hope your mum feels a little better soon there has been so much going on eh. and mummylinn that's it isn't it, when there are so many people who don't deserve to be in it here when our lovely mums aren't regardless of whether there were 45,65 or 105

It also upsets me when I see threads moaning about their mums just dropping in etc. I would give anything to have that back, in fact. My mum had a key !

I had a key to my mums would just go in make a bru and wait for her to get up, people would hate me

Supermariossister I know what you mean, I thought the same when my BIL died suddenly last year he was only 40 and had a wife and four young DDs. It sounds awful and I felt really bad thinking it at the time but just after we found out my mum was terminal a friend of a friend tried to commit suicide, I just thought how selfish she was being by trying to throw her life away when my mum would give anything to see my DCs grow up. I know friend of a friend was/is ill but it's how I felt at the time. I'm an awful person for thinking it but its how I felt.

No your not awful crazykat I think I would of felt the same, I expect we have all had some evil thoughts about someone actually if we are honest, I know I have

I am being incredibly short-tempered atm. I caught myself ranting at this poor woman on the phone today. She works for Tesco pet insurance. We now have my Mum's pets, and one of them needs a heart scan and an operation on some mysterious lumps. The lady was just following normal procedures (which would have taken weeks) and instead of calmly and rationally explaining why weeks would not work in this instance, I started being incredibly shirty and rude and then just burst into tears.

It's just grief. It messes with your head.

bet she has had worse from someone with less reasons do try not to feel too bad! I went to bad really early last night, feel a bit better today trying to look at it that with how poorly she was when she was in hospital she would of needed to go onto dialysis and other treatments which she had already said she didnt want so i could still have ended up on this thread by now. doesnt make it easier to handle that she isnt here but does make me feel calmer as id hate to think of her in more pain than she already was.

Supermario...I can understand that. If my dad had survived his cardiac arrest his heart would have been very badly damaged. He would have needed bypass surgery (possibly a triple) and would have had to give up work and possibly lost his drivers license. He would have hated that.
I see people my dads age struggling with degenerative conditions, cancer, with dementia...and I am glad for him he did not suffer like that.
But it's so hard when you miss them so much.
He didnt see my dc in their new schools uniforms for their new schools this morning.
And it breaks my heart.

Oh wuldric I think you are just being normal in the circumstances. It's as if nothing else in the world is as important that the fact we are going through this grief and minor irritations take on a greater importance which we really can't be bothered with
supermario I find myself trying all different scenarios. I know my mum had a fear that one day she would get dementia, a fear of going into an old people's home ( which I wouldn't of let happen ) a fear of not being able to do everything that she was doing in her life and tell myself that at least she never had to do any of the things that she feared. But it dosent help, I then go back to worrying if she was scared etc. it just eats you away I think. It upsets me to know that she wouldn't of wanted to leave us and also that the previous eve she was perfectly well. It's soul destroying really.

(((Ladies))) It's so painful to read about your experiences, and your feelings of loss, anger and despair. I'm sure grid changes us as people. I know I can't really picture myself ever returning to the person I once was. I used to be an extrovert in my youth, just like my mum is. But in the past 0 years, I have become more like my dad- more introverted and liking my own company. Now that he's died, I feel myself going even further into myself. I'm ok with that, up to a point, but I feel sad for my husband who, 15 years ago, fell in love with a smiley, chatty, cheeky girl who was the life and soul, and who is now a quiet, reserved person who rarely smiles and who prefers being on her own to having company. But I guess my husband has changed too over the years...people change with age and the arrival of children, and with loss.

Still not much 'proper' grieving going on here (not sure I even know what that is!) because we are so busy doing things and looking after mum. But OH, and the children and I are going to France on Saturday for a week's camping. It will be strange not having a long list of things to do re. looking after mum/sorting out probate stuff etc. I told OH I was worried I might just spend the week crying in a wine-haze. He said that would be fine, if that's what happens. So we'll just take it as it comes; and the main thing is that it is a whole week for just the four of us, and a chance to just be together, for the first time in ages.

Lots of love to all on this sunny day. xxx