Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

[mummylin2495]

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

Hi ssd lovely to see you, glad I'm not alone with my collection of stuff ! I can't see me ever throwing stuff away, I even have mums potatoe peeler because " she held it " crazy I know.
Have you had your other cruse apt yet ?

I have loads of stuff, including her wedding garter haha garden is mad Lynn just went to put a meerkats ornament in mums planter and can't get too it grrrr how are you

Mum is not too good. Very down and tearful.
She is so sad/lonely...and there is nothing I can do :(
I can't be there 24/7. It's not possible, and anyway, its not me she wants.
I feel so alone.

you aren't alone badvoc we are all here. it is so hard you can't be everywhere though and like you say it will be hard for your mum to adjust. I imagine that she could be in a room full of people and still feel lonely right now but she knows you are there and will support her. you can only do so much x

Oh fear badvoc your mum has been through a horrendous time , not just losing your dad but having the heart attack on the same day. I am not surprised she is feeling so lost and low. Is there Any clubs around locally she could get involved with, at least that way she would have a bit of company, of course you can't be with her all the time as you have your own family. It's very difficult all round isn't it .you Are not Alone we are all here for you
supermario I am fine and I have beans coming on my mums plants !!! There are two big ones and loads of little ones coming so I am happy ! Her rosé arch we have cut all the roses off and I am hoping there will be some more I'm September, it looked a real picture, got a BBQ to go to this evening at my ds,s I hope the rain holds off. Thought it was meant to be a heat wave this weekend ? They were wrong

Bet the children will all look smart in their new uniforms ( for the first day anyway ) !

yeah for the first day... by which time they will have scuffed their shoes, ripped the knees of their pants, lost their lunchbox and half their stationary haha garden sounds good dp is going out to cut down the dahlias so I can see the bloody ornaments

Mind the earwigs, has your mums little garden bit been overtaken then? I have meerkats all over the place , I think they breed in the night

It's so hard.
They were so devoted and mum was totally reliant on dad.
Totally,
She isn't the sort of person to join clubs etc. I wish she was. Sounds awful but if anything happened to fil (god forbid) then mil would be ok. She has so many outside interests/friends. Mil has even said that herself!
Mum doesn't have many friends and is nit very sociable. She can be hard work at times, frankly. Tbh I have dreaded this situation for years. Dh and I spoke about it a couple of years ago and he was as concerned as me about what mum would do if dad died first.
:(
I don't know how to help her.
Counselling won't make her feel less lonely or miss him less. And as you say, she feels lonely even when we are all there.
What a mess.

Is she able to get around ok and do stuff? Maybe she could volunteer a couple of hours a week. Maybe that would make her feel useful

Mummylin...She has lots of health issues, but is mobile.
I think getting involved in church again would help her but I don't think she will.

Oh Badvoc, that sounds so hard, but you're right, you can't be there all the time. You have your own family and your own life that need your attention. You can only do so much.

supermario It's awful when people don't/won't talk about your loved-one, isn't it? Like mummylin, I am intending to just shoehorn my dad into conversations and sod them if it makes them feel uncomfortable :D

ssd I too think it's normal to want to hang on to stuff. @ mummylin's potato peeler- that sounds very normal to me.

...and yes mummy, I might just find a way to take dad's cupboards with us!

Just don't know what to do to help her.
And then I think...what about me? Who will help me?
And then I feel selfish and pathetic.
My brother works shifts.
My sister and her dh go away for weeks at a time on hols.
And that means it comes down to me.
As I always knew it would.

Maybe Badvoc you could get someone from her church to go to her, maybe that would encourage her more. You are in a difficult position aren't you, can your brother or sister come up with anything ?

And waterlego , I can't even use a potatoe peeler. I have to use my little knife !

I use a knife too mummylin!
My friend from church is going to see her next week.
I think it may help her to talk to someone who isn't family iyswim?

I would be stuck without my knife badvoc ! We would have no spuds ever done ! I just cannot or ever have been able to use old fashioned peeler .

Me either.
And I am rubbish at mashing potatoes!
I must try and make proper stuffing like my dad used to. It was ace.

Badvoc - [hugs] - have you read 'Before I say Goodbye' by Ruth Picardie?

Thanks wuldric x
No I haven't. Did you find it helpful?

mummylin - Im starting my new contract Tuesday for 6 weeks. Thanks, ill let you know how it goes. Always here for you!!
you!! Hows things going is your sister still looking to move nearer to you?
great news about the beans!!

SuperMarioSister - You carry on talking about her, i did and I didn't care whether anyone wanted to hear me or not! She was and Still is but sitting on my shoulder..she is a massive part of my life and will not stop talking about her and if that person doesn't like it then they don't need to be my friend. You really do find out the gold friends from the tarnished/bronze trust me, please be prepared for that, that has been a disappointment for me. What I done for my girls was I brought something that i thought my mum would like me to get them, i think i got a little pencil set, and I brought a dictionary for my eldest starting senior school and a key ring for each of them for their bags. x

Waterlego - Same as mummylin, I would make the cupboards into shelving or a little table or cupboard for your new house but I can imagine its hard, x

Thanks everyone about the job ill let you know how it goes.
crazy cat - I feel for you so much, we are right with you and come and chat to us anytime. Mummy lin had great advise and words for you on your post. Sending you hugs hun. xx

I am the same i still talk about my mum, i have found some people have changed the subject or acted weird. I saw my neighbor yesterday and they asked me if I had a good birthday i said yes great but then the next breath said "hard without my mum there though" and they looked at me like i was alien or something...its like its only been a year!!! im still finding casualties of me losing my mum but i don't give a toss as the friends who i have are going to be soul mates, the rest can do one..so to speak! hahahah I have a friend who lost her mum and dad when we were younger and we talk spiritually and both believe our beliefs and we will blow kisses to the sky, or like last night raised our glass! She said something last night as well..she said our mums have brought us up to be strong confident women and my god that's what we are!! x

Thinking of you all on this thread. Hugs to you all xx

it is hard t , I have lots of people who I speak too but I woukdnt say I had any close friends now. it was all too easy to drop me when I needed someone so I've not bothered since. bit lonely though, good job I've got you guys to talk to or I'd be even stranger than I am now

yes you have supermariosister!! {{{hugs}}} and we are gold!! hehe

Ive got two decent friends in RL who will listen to me and see me do crazy things and waffle on about feathers that randomly appear! They are even starting to believe in it! Especially when my friend had a white fluffly feather blow in through her car window, bless her she said it was for me to let me know my mum was with me.

Well best get my backside to bed, night everyone hugs to anyone who needs it. xx

Waldric - so very sorry for your loss. We are here for you. It's horrendous isn't it. Huge hugs to you. Glad you have the letters I can imagine hard too though. But now as the time has gone on I find a real comfort to have her writing with me. I've got so much of her stuff. I bet she's laughing as I was never into ornaments and I was like when going through my mums stuff " oh can't throw that, ill keep that " and I now have ornaments and so much to go through!! Can't do at the moment. Some days I can others I cry my eyes out.
Thinking of you take care one day at a time Hun xx

One of the worst things for me was going through dads wallet and cutting all his back cards up etc.
Just awful.
He kept so much stuff!
He kept boarding passes from flight we went on.
Maps of areas we visited.
Bits of paper with phone numbers on...no idea whose!
Mum has given me dads laptop (mine is broken) and printer. I am grateful but just don't feel I can use them yet.
My friend and ds2s god tier is coming to visit today (she was abroad when dad died).
So that will be lovely and hard at the same time.
Mum stayed at home alone last night for the first time. I had a dreadful night...ds2 came in to me after a nightmare and ds1 split his water everywhere at 1am!
Just waiting for a cup of tea.....