Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

[mummylin2495]

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

Glad yesterday is over for you badvoc as you said , your dad is now " home" it's nice your mum overlooks where your dad is.
Heard of another death yesterday. My hairdressers boyfriends mum died I feel so sorry for him as he has no siblings to help him through it all.
Hope you are all doing ok

Glad the interment is done now Badvoc. Well done for getting through another hard day.

mummylin That's very sad. Grief is lonely, even when you have close family, I have found. So not having a sibling must make it harder.

How is everyone doing today?

My OH, kids and I had been staying with my mum for a few days which was a bit full-on. My mum's quite hectic at the best of times- has a lot of nervous energy and lurches from one train of thought to another- and this seems to have gone into overdrive at the moment. We have come home now so that she, and we, can have a couple of days' peace! She has some friends popping in and staying the night so at least I know she is being looked after.

There is so much still to do re probate. My parents were in the fortunate position of owning a lot of assets, including several properties. It's lovely that mum never has to worry about money, but sorting it all out is a headache.

And all of it pales into insignificance beside my grief, which is just huge and overwhelming and too painful. I have found it comes in waves, and when at its 'peak' it is so intense and induces panic in me. Not unlike contractions in a way, except the pain is more emotional and psychological than physical. (Though there is a physical pain too- right in the pit of my stomach).

I am still struggling to accept that he is dead and that his body is no longer on this earth in the form I always knew it. And that he is never coming back and I will never see his face; hear him laugh or sing; embrace him. It hurts so much.

I know you guys already know all that stuff because you are living it yourselves. I just find it cathartic to put it out there.

Hugs to all who need them today.

Waterlego...I have found doing the paperwork very upsetting tbh. Sorting through bank stuff, pensions etc.
There is now a wooden cross on dads grave until the headstone is put up in 6 weeks or so.
Last time we were there a poor woman was at a grave and crying and talking.
It was for a 14 year old boy :(
Such sadness and grief around ATM it's hard to accept and understand.
Love to all x

it is just absolutely awful isnt it waterlego, miss her so much and all you said about tbh its too painful to think of sometimes it obliterates me and can bowl me over. Some days I can talk about her and think about her and others I just cant.

Just trudged on and at the beginning minute by minute hour by hour day by day and was extremely hard. I will say for me its not so bad now but I still get the moments where it can polverise me and knock me side ways.

But it really is a killer not having them around, were all together waterlego. Sending you a big hug xx

Well one door shuts. Got offered another contract today HR for the NHS 6-8 week contract and 2 days a week which is a huge bonus!! And the spooky thing is i was talking to agencies this morning about getting into HR as I wanted to step on that ladder recruitment etc and i get something an hour after!! I swear someone very special sitting on my shoulder gave this an extra joult to happen!!

I lost my Mum very recently and I am still in shock, as are we all.

One absolute treasure trove that I discovered is a series of letters, sent by my Mum to her Father when she lived abroad. There are literally hundreds. Each time I read one, I hear her voice, and rediscover the laughing clever woman that she was. A woman who took civil wars, revolutions, armed bandits, dictatorships in her stride and still had time to appreciate the beauty of a flower or a bird.

Most of all, in every letter, there is a reference to me. How many teeth I have, how I wibble as I walk, how I refuse to eat vegetables, how determined I am. And I realise how much she did love me through and through, and that is something I have lost forever.

I miss her very much.

wuldric sorry for your loss. How lovely to have all those letters. What a wonderful thing to be able to read all about your funny little things.
t875 very happy for you that you hav been offered another job, I'm sure that has cheered you up.
badvoc we had to wait about 5 months until we could have the headstone, but it was a bit different for us because the grave plot is for mum. Me and dh,, even though mum was cremated, she was still put in the big grave which they had to dig the proper grave size, so we had to wait for the ground to settle. Until the headstone was in place to me things were not completed,
wuldric you have not lost your mums love, it will always be inside you. Same as you will always love her even though she isn't here now.
We are all so lucky to have somone who loved us so selflessly. I just wish they were all still here

I sorry wuldric.
Your mum sounds awesome.

waterlego yes dealing with probate and all the legal stuff is quite daunting, it's a difficult enough time as it is without all that to do, but we found everyone concerned to be very helpful

I had a bad night last night. I couldn't sleep for worrying about my mum. I hate this waiting game of knowing she doesn't have long, I feel like every day is her last one with us. She saw her oncologist who wants her to have another scan as they thought she only had a couple of months left and its now been ten. Blood tests have shown the tumor has increased but only a little. I'm terrified of what the scan will show. In one way it'll be good to know what's happening wrt how the cancer has progressed but I'm so scared its spread even more and she'll go downhill fast.

Don't get me wrong, each extra day and hour is so precious but I hate being in limbo. DD1 got upset again asking me when I'll go to the angels and saying she'll miss me and wants to go with me. It breaks my heart that they're going to lose someone else close to them, first my nan (my second mum) 22 months ago, then my BIL 10 months ago and now we're losing my mum.

I just wish I could all the bad things that's happened this last two years and make it go away and back to how it was.

Must be awful CC.
My ds2 has been very very clingy since dad died. I don't know what to say to him to help him :(

Oh crazykat you are actually living a nightmare aren't you. You are in a terrible position and we can't do anything but be here for you.as you say every day is a bonus, but I'm sure that is a mixed blessing, I am sorry that you and your mum have to suffer all this. Continue to make your memories, one day they will comfort you x

It's really hard on DCs when they're faced with losing a loved one Badvoc, especially when it's the first time they've had experience of death. Lots of cuddles and talking about it seems to help my DCs at the minute. It's hard when DCs get upset, you just want to take all their pain away. I hope your DS2 feels better soon, if that's the right word. He must be worrying that you'll leave him too so doesn't want to leave you. We were given a bereavement booklet when my nan died which said that time is different for children so they tend to heal quicker than adults.

I've been telling my DC that I'll be around for a very long time but I feel guilty as no one knows when their time will come. I'm dreading when she's gone as we walk past their house every day on the way to school and the DCs love going up for an hour or so without me, they adore my mum.

It is a living nightmare Mummylin. When my nan died it was sudden, she was sent to A&E by her GP just before lunchtime and by 11pm was gone. I'm glad I stayed with her and didn't listen when she told me to get back to the DCs who were with my dad, but I wished we'd had some warning to be able to say I love you. Now I know that it was better in a way as we didn't have to go through this.

DS2, who's just 10 months really made my mum happy the other day. I speak to her on the phone at least once a day and while we were talking he said "nana" I haven't heard my mum be so excited since he was born. Now as soon as I pick up the phone DS2 gets all excited and says "nana". He's only said mama a few times but I don't mind as it makes my mums day when she hears him say it.

That turned into an essay and then some. It really helps being able to talk about it, especially to others that have felt the same way. I'm not great at talking face to face unless I really know someone.

Badvoc - I had that with the youngest she was very clingy, it is very hard.. I went along with the fact they knew they could talk to me about anything, we didn't stop talking about my mum and they done little pictures and got little things for her shelf which they and me still do now if we go out anywhere or see something we think she will like. its calmed a little now.. My youngest was a bit more matter o fact likes to believe she is around us still and is doing ok has moments where i give her a nanny hug but the eldest is a bit more closed but gets angry and bitter and i know when she has grief and she wouldn't talk about my mum but she has been better this year i have gone along with her and kept a close eye on her hugged her when she has needed it and i will just include my mum in conversations.

I spoke to someone at a charity called Winstons Wish and they sent me a book of all crafty projects and great ideas to remember children who have lost love ones. And also a book called muddy puddles, but they are very good to talk too as well, i spoke to them after I lost my mum about my eldest as she wasn't getting a lot of support from her teacher at the time and she was struggling fairly bad. They aren't doing too bad now but has moments i guess the same as us adults. xx

T875...it's awful isnt it? Good Idea about winstons wish, thanks.
CC...how heartbreaking for you. My dc also saw a lot of my dad. He used to pick ds1 up from school for me and we used to go after school sometimes for an hour. Yesterday my neice who is 2 in November was going around the room giving people "loves" (hugs) and she pointed to dads photo and tried to hug it :(
Sweet and heartbreaking at the same time.
4 weeks today that we lost him.
Still feels so unreal.

t875 Glad to hear some a great job opportunity has come your way- as you say, perhaps she is looking out for you :)

Wuldric I am very sorry for your loss. How wonderful to have those letters, although it must be painful in some ways to read them. I find it hard to even see my dad's handwriting; not that I have any letters from him, but just shopping lists and things. Whenever I find something like that, I squirrel it away, unable to throw it out. Everything he ever wore or owned seems to have taken on a preciousness of its own. I nabbed from my mum's house one of his hoodies which is far too big for me, but which I will wear for snuggling on the sofa in the winter :)

crazycat I empathise. My mum has stomach and liver cancers, which are not curable. She is 'stable' at the moment but they are not offering her any more treatment and she has begun to get fluid in her legs and abdomen, some of which will need to be drained off. Mum is in denial about her fate- well, to be fair to her, she's just very, very positive. She is making plans for holidays and Christmas, and next year and beyond. And I don't imagine she'll be here for that long. But maybe she'll surprise us. She was diagnosed in January and I didn't think she's still be here now to be honest, so who knows? But I do know how you feel. Having a loved-one who is so ill is a terrible kind of limbo.

Hope the weekend goes ok for you all.

Hello everyone, hope everyone coping ok and you will in spite of everything enjoy the bank holiday.
t875 when will you start your new job
wuldric and crazykat I can't begin it imagine the upset you are both going through, crazykat hope your mum still enjoying the birds.
badvoc it dosent seem possible that4 weeks have gone past already. It seems like yesterday you posted your awful news first about your dad, then the shock of your mum being taken ill. What a terrible time you have had. But you have got through it. Its amazing what we do actually cope with
I myself am not too bad, still a lot of sadness but manage day by day ok .
Take care everyone

Last post should of been for waterlego ^not wuldric sorry made a error with the W,s !

Hi mummylin, you're such a presence on this thread- so kind and always asking after everyone else. Bless you.
Glad you are managing ok, but I can imagine the sadness is ever-present.
:(

In a moment of madness, I just phoned my Dad's mobile and left him a message

Thanks!
You are not alone in that. I too have sent my mum a message to her mobile, I have it upstairs in her handbag along with her purse which still as £35.00 in it. I can't bear to take it out. One day I am going to go through her phone to see if there a y messages on there that she previously sent me. Battery is obviously gone now, but it's only a simple Nokia so should be able to get a charger somewhere
And when I had a new mobile myself I still put my mums number and photo on it and her own ringtone which was one of her fav songs. Makes me sound like a loon dosent it !

Not at all mummylin, it makes total sense to me that we want to hang on to anything that we associated with our loved ones, to keep them with us as we go on in our lives. OH and I have been talking about moving house in a couple of years and I almost can't bear to think about it because dad will never come to our new house. What's worse is that he built some lovely cupboards for us in this house and it will break my heart to leave them behind :(

I understand that completely, I think I would want to smash them rather than let someone else have them ! Could you take them down and if the cupboards can't be rebuilt use the wood to turn into a little table or shelving or something. You would not believe all the stuff I have hear that was my mums, I have boxes to go through but can't bring myself to do it. But I just could not throw her stuff away. I even have silly little shopping lists and stuff like that, to me they are treasures.

got all dcs back to school stuff, I so wish mum was here to see him go into his new year. she loved him so much and was an amazing nanna. I'm so fed up of people never mentioning her and deliberately avoiding talking of things that involved her. she was my mum and whether she is here or not I want to think about her and talk about her x

I talk a out mum all the time , I bring her up in all conversations with my family. Part of the letter mum left said this " speak about me in the old familiar way " and that's what I do.
It is horrible that for you some people seem to have this out of sight out of mind thing. And yes I can imagine it is very very hurtful. All I can say is, keep mentioning her in your conversations, such as " oh do you remember mum doing " they can't ignore her then. Hope you are ok, how is the garden ?

I've got loads of things of my mums and also my dads here too, little things that don't mean a thing to anyone but me. I completely understand about wanting to keep hold of things. To me that's normal. When I told my sister about me having to clear out mums house she said "there's nothing there that means anything to me". To me that's not normal. Or maybe that's just me. I had to throw out so much and because I was doing it alone and in a state I threw out so much I'd want to keep now, like her mobile, I still remember debating what to do with it but I was overwhelmed and couldn't think straight. Never mind. We just do what we have to do.

t875, I'm so glad you got offered a new position, I hope you settle in and are happy there. And don't give up on the last place, you never know how things work out.

love to you all here xx