Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

[mummylin2495]

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

It's just so hard - life goes on That is the way of it but I am not sure what life will be without dad. And I am frightened.
I moved back to this town 18 months ago and now I thank god I did.

hi all how are you? its almost my birthday, my first without mum its going to be so weird not going to her house. she always bought me some bright coloured underwear or some with a mad pattern on that I ended up opening infront of half the family ill miss not red faced hiding my underwear under a different gift bag .

Don't be frightened badvov you will do as the rest of us do and get on with things. But inside we are all broken. To the world ( and those who couldn't care less) we all put on a good front and just carry on. You will now find yourself in tears over any little thing. But gradually the days between tears will widen. But the heartache is still there.
They say time heals but god knows how much time we need, dosent seem like I'm gonna be healed anytime soon!
Maybe it's because i we all loved our lost ones so deeply that it means we grieve more, I dont know the answer to that .
What I do know is that chatting to others in the same position is a ,massive massive help . Just take each day as it comesbadvov
Hi supermario hope you are ok. It's sad when we have the first birthday without our mums. I would be tempted to buy myself the underwear and. use it as a gift from your mum , she would want you to have it

Thank you mummylin.
Poor ds1 was upset again last night. I can't comfort myself, let alone my dc. Ds2 keeps saying "poor pop" :(
I have ordered a couple of books from amazon...Michael rosens sad book and the little prince. I hope they will help them (and me)
My brother is now saying he doesn't want to be at the interment. So next weds it is.
Feels never ending.

very wise words from mummyline there, couldn't agree more

hi supermario, buy yourself the underwear and smile when you wear it, hopefully from somewhere your mum will see it. and happy birthday for when the day arrives.

happy birthday in advance to t875 for tomorrow, I hope you make it to your party, I know its hard to draw the strength up when your heart is broken, I just hope your big day is as happy as it can be in the circumstances, virtual for you xx

badvoc, as mummylin says, you will cope, we have no other choice. Time does heal but how long it takes is like asking how long is a piece of string. But talking here to like minded folk really helps, I've had more love and compassion here than I've had from family members (mind you that wouldn't be hard with some of them ).

badvoc this week in between is quite horrible. We had the same thing, a wait in between but was only 4 days. It was another traumatic day and to be honest. That upset me such a lot to see my mum in a tiny casket. I could not look down to see it. Us siblings put together to buy her another flower area arrangement as at the funeral we had all bought our own. We just had us siblings , my mums sister and my dd there.there was one family member couldn't face it so didnt come and that was fine, she had already said her goodbyes. I think everyone has the right to choose wether they attend or not. For your brother , he has probably done the same. Said his goodbyes . I expect you feel a bit hurt by this, but if he really dosent want to be there, that's his choice. I hope he won't regret it
On the other hand my BIL ( on dh,s side of the family ) kept SIL ashes at home for three years as he didnt want to do this final step. They were only buried this year and no- one was told about it at all not even dh and it was his sister. People are all so different and although its hard sometimes to work out why they choose their options, we have to go with their choice.
I am sorry you now havea few more tense days to get through. But at least when that has been done , your dad will finally be laid to rest. I completely understand that maybe you are upset about your brother not going. But he still has a few days to change his mind.

I am like you mummylin...I have no issue with him not going at all, but as you say I do worry he may regret it later.
I have bought a pretty box to put all the cards in that I received.
I will get some flowers for weds. Good idea.
Mum and dad should have been flying out to lanzarote today to spend some time with my sister....it's all so wrong and unfair.
He should be here playing with his gc and enjoying life.
Have said goodbye to my aunts. Sadly the annoying one is now staying til Saturday!

Oh no ! Isn't that just typical. The very one person you want to go and she is staying on. Oh well it will soon be Saturday. Just grit your teeth.
I have all my cards in a photo album together with the newspaper cuttings and pictures of the flowers and also I have all the little cards off the flowers.my brother have me the cards he recieved as well so I have a full album.
Your brother has a few days to mull it over. It may of just been a gut reaction to going and maybe after reviewing his decision he will change his mind.
All you can do for the next few days is try and get through as best as you can, I know it's very difficult but the days seem to fly by.
By the way , we don't exactly wear funeral clothes for the burial of the ashes, just something in keeping with the situation. I wore black trousers but a purple cardigan that my mum had knitted for me on the last birthday she was here.
One other thing that I did , I took some flowers from mums flowers and pressed them. They are also in my album

I know! Oh well. Only 2 more days.
I have put the cards and the order of service in the box. Mum has the flower cards. I have a rose from the flowers that were on dads coffin. I intend to press it at some point.
I hadn't even thought about what to wear!
I know he is supposed to Be at work on weds (he works shifts) and he has had over 2 weeks off so he probably feels he can't ask for more time.
I did tell mum we could re arrange it but he doesn't want us to.
Maybe he feels he has already said goodbye?
Whatever he does, I will respect his decision. We all,deal,with things in different ways.

Yes maybe he does. After all really the worst thing possible has happened and your dad has been cremated and the service has been held. It would be better if we were able to bury the ashes on the same day really without this awful wait in between. It just seems to stretch it out for so long. My aunt was able to do this , but she had a morning service and she got the ashes later in the afternoon and they were buried the same day. Like you we had lunchtime service , then had to wait. It's hell isn't it.

We had the same chaplain ( hospital one ) to do the little service at the graveside as we had for the funeral. I felt very sad when I saw him walking over with this tiny little casket
He was us ha a nice man. But when he first came to my house I opened the door and said " oh my god " he was 6ft 8" and almost as wide. He had to duck and how he managed to get down and sit on my settee I don't know But to get up he went from settee onto the floor onto his knees , then somehow pulled himself up ! Then he stood next to me, and my niece said it was the funniest thing she had ever seen , this giant of a man and little me 5ft 2" . She wanted to take a photo but didnt like to because of the situation. I'm sure it would of amused my mum.
It's amazing really. There are funny little things even amongst such utter sadness

Yes.
Amazing how you can be laughing one minute and then crying the next isn't it?
My sister got a Fit of the giggles when we were talking to the funeral director...he was asking about clothes for dad or a gown and my sister just cracked up. She said we can't put dad in a satin gown!! Goodness knows what the funeral director must have thought.
The vicar did a lovely service for us. He spoke about dad briefly and his love of watches (he was like a magpie when it came to watches...the more dials and workings the better) and his hatred of personalised number plates and caravans!
Not sure what will happen on weds really...I guess it's just some prayers? The lady I deal with at the funeral directors is in hols til Monday so I may phone then and ask her.
We have to sort a headstone out - can't be full size though as its half a plot.
So many rules and regs....it's very confusing.

I think its a really personal decision just like you say will he regret it. my family all went to see my mum in the chapel of rest, i didnt. i knew that if i did i would never see her the way she was again. i think my younger family wish they hadnt gone but the older ones it seemed to help them to see her one last time. i wonder how i would of felt if i had gone but i think i made the right decision for me at the time.

cross posted there, i know what you mean about laughing and then feeling like it is wrong. my mums cat attacked the vicar while we discussed the service and was hanging off his pants biting his feet ect. i was laughing. mum would of been to

It's so hard to know what to do isnt it?
I saw dad at the hospital after they had pronounced him.
I decided to see him at the chapel of rest and was surprised by how upset I was - I had already seen him after all.
You never know how you will feel until it happens I guess.

the way I chose to look at it was I was with mum when she died and then for a time after. it took over a week for us to be able to see her at the chapel and I didn't want to see her like that. I do wonder as sometimes it just doesnt feel real that she isnt here abit like you say

I went to see my mum three times, the last time about 2 hrs before the funeral. I cut some of her hair off and have it in my gold locket, but now I'm too scared to wear it in case I lose it .it is my most precious possession. I think the last time was worse cause I knew this was " it " my very last chance. She looked exactly the same as normal, I combed her hair as she liked it, then could not bear to leave. I was not alone, I had my sister and one of my brothers with me. They left me so I could be on my own with her. Heart breaking. I am glad I went. I like to think she knew I was there

I went about 3 times too mummylin.
Last time was so hard. I just stood at the door looking at him. So hard to leave him.

I know that feeling, I sent in and out. It was my brother suggested I might like one of mums curls, so I asked funeral director and he said it was fine and gave me the scissors. But I had to leave to get ready for funeral or I may of stayed all day

Hello all.

These are very personal decisions, aren't they? I deliberated over whether to see my dad one last time at the funeral director's but have decided it's not the right thing for me personally. I was with him when he died so it's not as though I feel I need to see him to really believe it, iyswim. On the other hand, I can't bear the thought of not seeing the physical him ever again, but that is something I will have to get used to anyway.

mummylin. You said:
'Maybe it's because i we all loved our lost ones so deeply that it means we grieve more'

and it made me think of a quote written in one of our sympathy cards:

'Grief is the price we pay for love'. Heartbreaking but true.

We have everything in place for dad's funeral and think we are expecting about 120 people to the Crematorium, far more than I had initially expected. The chapel won't hold that many people so the celebrant is going to ask the Crematorium about having speakers set up outside. My dad would be baffled at all this fuss on his behalf!

I have written a little tribute to dad, which I will try to read at the funeral. The celebrant has said she can do it for me if I crumble at the last minute, but I am going to try my best.

Sending un-MNy hugs to all.

Waterlego....that is the quite that my dh ended dads eulogy with.
Such a simple truth.
And so hard to live with x

waterlego how are you and your mum doing ? When is your dads funeral arranged for. You are right that everyone has their own personal choices. All these things are so difficult aren't they do I go , do I need to go , do I really want to go ? It's all so sad and hard. You have the added worry of your mum too which must be so difficult for you and your family

Something else I did , I had mum tattooed on my shoulder so she will ^always be with me *

Thank you mummylin. Dad's funeral is on Monday at 3pm.

Mum is ok. She has very swollen feet and ankles at the moment, and some bloating in her abdomen too- none of which are very good signs re her illness generally, I don't think, but at least she will be well enough for Monday.

I don't think any of us have really started grieving yet. On the one hand, we started the process when dad was still here and we knew he was going to die, but it's like it's been put on hold now. We have the funeral to get through, and focus on; and then the sorting of the will which is a bit complicated. After all that, we have mum's ongoing care to think about. I feel like the grief is there in my mind, behind a locked door which I can't yet open. I spend quite a lot of time avoiding thoughts of dad and it's quite a mental effort really. I know it will come when it's ready.

You just have to take it day by day and cope with things as best as you can. There certainly s a lot to sort out regarding wills and probate, although my mum left explicit insructions as to what she wanted. Even down to the hymns .but it's all a very sad time for everyone concerned. I hope your mum is ok for the funeral. How upsetting for her when she is ill herself