Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

[mummylin2495]

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

I just feel that I am treading water ATM.
And if I stop I will go under.
Asked dh to come home early today (which I shouldn't have)
Ds2 is bored rigid but I am so tired...I can't seem to do anything.
He has just asked to go swimming...I have had about 2 hours sleep per night since Friday 26th July and its starting to show now.
I know I should be thankful dad didn't suffer.
I know I should be thankful we were with him.
I know I should be thankful that we had him for 67 years.
But I'm not.
And I just want him back.

I understand perfectly badvoc it dosent matter how old someone is, you ave lost someone so dear to you and it's inconceivable that life will go on and he won't be here, whatever the circumstances, you just want them here, even if only for one more day. Even to of had the chance to tell them we loved them.Like you I had no idea what we were about to face, and it's the awful shock of it I think which is holding me back from moving on . But my siblings don't think like me and seem to all be doing ok. How is your sister and brother taking it ?

You are so right.
My sister is coping very well in the circumstances...she was on hols when dad died. I felt so sorry for her. And then I had to tell her about mum!
My brother...not too good. He wont stay more than 5 mins at mums house which is making things very tough on myself and my sister.
My bil is self employed and is able to be off til after the funeral which is a huge help as it means my sister can stay with mum at night (along with the odd night I do) but my brother refuses as he is worried in case she has another heart attack.
Like my sister and I aren't worried!?
Sigh..no point expecting someone to do something they can't. It's just a luxury I don't have.

Do you feel able to share what happened wrt your loss mummylin?
Please don't worry if not x

Mummylin I truly feel CRUSE helped me through that shock element like you I went through the same thing and I realised there was a fair bit I was keeping inside. Was and still at times mind blowing to think she isn't here. Was massively prominent at the holiday place! Even found my self starting to proper cry when looking at the seats and it empty and knowing she wasn't there and wasn't there atall it killed me badly.
We pushed through though as I wanted the girls to have a good holiday so we all did and I'm sure Matt O fact I know she was there with us as I felt her.
But was extremely hard at times too.

Ssd hope your going along ok. Massive hugs to you! Here if u need me Hun xx

Biscuits hope your going along ok too
Badhavoc - I so know what you mean - some stuff people say like I get ' oh least it was in her sleep easier for her' it's like shut up!!! It been horrendous for us down here as we were only chatting about fish and chips 6 hrs before! Sucks bad!!

badvoc my mum had a heart attack on a sat morn, they found she had a clot so gave her clot buster, they said they would give her a stent on monday. By the sat aft she was sat up in bed and didn't feel at all ill. I stayed there till 8 15 pm. Told her I would be in on sun aft. Phoned hos at 9 am sun morn and they said she was fine. About an hour after,she collapsed and died. Where the blood had thinned. It poured into the sac round her heart too fast and the heart couldn't pump it out, the sac ruptured and that was it. I am haunted by it, was she afraid, did she feel pain etc. and not one of s was with her, my brother was sat outside her ward as he was going to take her in a Sunday paper , they just asked him to wait. He had no idea what was happening. The hosp had told me she would probably be sent home on thurs. It was terrible

Oh my word mummylin bless you. It all is very hard isn't it. I have them thoughts did they do enough in that 4 hours when she went straight into icu did she suffer. I truly believe with blood clots and strokes and hear attacks it happens quick so if true what inward told by my medium friend my mum was met straightaway by her mum and my g dad on the other side and my mum was saying my g dad the week before when I look back

But how very harrowing for you all to go through. Talk about it where you can though mummylin can't promise it will help but I think talking out my feelings help me.

I've had to cut the string thinking all the things. As like u say it haunts you ((( big hugs))) your not on your own xx

Oh how terrible for you all! I have heard similar stories to yours...a loved one sat up in bed in hospital eating lunch one minute and then gone the next.
I do know what you mean though.
Dads face when i found him will haunt me for the rest of my life....at least my siblings were spared that.
It's so hard.
The suddenness of it. The fragility of life. It makes you feel very vulnerable.
At least it does me.

hi girls

badvoc, first I'm really sorry for your loss, and I hope your mum is getting stronger day by day. Agree the waiting for the funeral is an unreal time, as mummylin says it just feels so unreal and almost like an out of body experience, you feel you're watching yourself but not living IYKWIM. There doesn't seem to be any words to help but just knowing your not alone sometimes really helps, and we're all behind you...same goes for you celticlan and I second t875's suggestion to contact cruse, I'm waiting for an apt myself, hope fully will be soon but they have a long waiting list so need to be patient. I'm finding keeping those who annoy me at arms length, I cant change people so I just have to keep away from them. I got a couple of messages on mums bday along the lines of "hi just thinking of mum today blah blah blah", like that was a novelty, wanted to reply "yeah I do that all the time" but didn't, just kept my mouth shut, as usual, they can all sod off.

t875, at least your dd's have had their holiday now, I hope they enjoyed it and your dad had a little break as well, hopefully will have helped him a bit although I know he's still missing your mum dreadfully..as you are. I've seen a few white feathers around me recently, don't know if its a sign, I just don't know anymore, but god I hope so.

mummylin, thanks for your kind words as always xx

Hi all.

Welcome to all the new posters, you'll get some very good advice and kind words on here from these lovely ladies xx

Thanks for asking after me mummylin I'm fine thanks. Just going along the same as always, not thinking about things too much because it's too hard, as much as you try not to though these thoughts still creep in. Hope you're well.

ssd hope you're doing ok and that Saturday wasn't too bad for you {hugs}

t875 Hope you had a nice holiday. How's the job going?

We're still sorting out mum and dads house. It's hard trying to find the time to do it and difficult knowing what to do with everything. I still think they're on holiday or something, and I find myself thinking "when I see mum I'll tell her that" or "I should have asked dad if he wanted to come out with us today, he'd have liked it here" I wonder if that ever stops happening and you truly realise you won't see them again

{hugs} all round xx

Thankyou for your kind words everyone. biscuits lovely to see you
It is obvious from this thread that we have all been through a trauma and we def need somewhere we can all chat together about it. It really does help to speak to people in the same position. And I guess it's only people who have gone through this can understand how bloody awful it is.
I have no doubt that we will all eventually find some kind of peace, for some it will take longer than we thought , but we will get there and learn acceptance and finally come to terms with it .
Until then then I hope we can all get some well needed support from each other. It sounds awful but I am very glad to see that others are joining us for support too.i hope we cal all help each other.
And finally thanks to everyone who has been here from the start and have helped to keep me sane and who give support to all the newcomers.
Onwards and upwards for us all !

Hi all, I seemed to have lost this thread lately and am sorry I have not been here.

Will read through the posts later.

THank you ssd. I am very sorry for your loss x
It's just so....awful.
Had to go and proof read the orders of service earlier so that set me off again! They are lovely though.
I am going to try and read a poem - is this a stupid idea? - at the funeral if I feel upto it but will have a back up person in case I can't.
I am not a woo sort of person at all, but since dad died, almost ver time I get in my car the radio comes on with one of his favourite songs or bands!....I know in my heart it's only a coincidence but how i Long to think he is trying to comfort me from wherever he is now.

badvoc I think you have to take comfort from things like that, I am also not a woo sort of person but now it makes me smile to see a white feather or hear one of my mum or dads favourite songs. My dd2 loves to see two butterflies flying together and says it's nanny and grandad
Wishing you strength at this horrible time xx

Thank you x

Cel- we all wish we could turn clock back, do things different but you have to cz it wont change anything.it was a year before i started grieving even now i dont think iv come to terms with it.my dad was the parent who loved me. Some days it feels like iv only just lost him then other days it feels like i cant even remember what it was like having him around

Badvoc that sounds like a lovely idea and its good to have a back up just incase you can't face it. I'm not sure about signs but there's been a butterfly in our house that just won't go out, when I was at school we went to a butterfly house and my nan came to help out and we loved looking at all the different ones. There's a small part of me that can't help thinking its a sign that she's watching over us.

My mum's hanging in mummylin, I got a small bird table for the front garden and she loves it, thank you for the idea. I'm sorry you're finding it rough going at the moment.

I kept getting really angry at my aunt. She's my mum's only sibling and she's not seen her since DS2's christening in February and text twice even though she lives ten minutes away. When mum was diagnosed she was all let me no of you need anything but hasn't really been near. TBH she started being a bit off when my Dnan died almost two years ago - she's never liked that I was closer to Dnan than my cousins but she lived with us since I was a baby as she was widowed when my mum was young. I know life's too short to hold grudges but I just feel like telling her not to bother getting in touch.

I keep crying for my Dnan even though its been nearly two years, I then start getting upset for my mum. It's a vicious circle. DD1 5yo got upset today asking if I'm going to the angels, its the only way we could think to explain when my Dnan died and mums prognosis. She was so upset saying she didn't want me to die and I was trying to reassure her it would be a very long time before that happens, but I felt guilty as between BIL dying suddenly last year at 40 and my mum I don't know that it will be decades before I die. Now I know a bit how my mum felt when my dad was fighting in the gulf not knowing if he'd be back.

I'll stop now or I'll be rambling on till tomorrow.

Hugs to all those who need them, keep taking it one day or even one hour at a time.

CC..thanks. It's so hard with the dc isn't it? Ds2 really doesn't understand and his behaviour is as selfish as any 4 year old which I am finding hard to cope with. Ds1 is 10 so understands much more and is taking it harder.
My nephews are coming for lunch today so hopefully my ds won't be as bored as they have been.
Didn't get much sleep last night...ds2 came In to me at some ungodly hour.

Thank you for the welcome the other day. I haven't been back as I'm not sure what i want to say.

Badvoc- I read your posts I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, i can't really imagine the shock that you must be in. I know how lost and confused I feel and I had months to 'prepare' for the loss of my dad. I also know how hard it can be with the kids. I have a 7 and a 4yr old and they are driving me mad with their demands when all I want to do is climb under the duvet and cry, however I have found that if I take them out for half hour or so to a park they then are much easier to deal with for the rest of the day.

Today it's been 7 weeks since my dad died and 5 weeks since the funeral. Now my sister have the sad and horrid task of sorting out all his affairs and clearing the house. Already I can feel an undercurrent of who's going to get what and who's doing what. It makes me nervous because my sister and I don't have the best relationship at times and she has a very short temper and really loses it when she doesn't get her own way, but at the some time I don't want to give in to all her demands.

I just feel I'm permanently on the edge of having a panic attack. I feel nervous and twitchy, tired and sad. I can't wait to get all his affairs sorted but at the same time that means selling his house our family home for 30 years and I can't cope with the thought of getting rid of it.

Sorry I've just waffled on!

Haribo...that sounds like a very difficult situation. Im so sorry. I am dealing with dads affairs on behalf of my mum and it is tough. He did everything...she didn't even know her bank account passwords. My only advice is take whatever help is offered. People genuinely do want to help ime.
It's been a hard day today. Dad is in the chapel of rest and we all went to see him. My sister was distraught (she was on holiday when he died).
It still feels so unreal - even after seeing him in the coffin. He just looks asleep.
We got the orders of service etc today and they are lovely. I am putting together a photo album for the are so people can see photos of him as a boy and in his dodgy 1970s fashions.
I miss him so much.

Oh...land to add to it all I am being vile to the dc and dh.
Dh is back at work...has been since it happened (he works for a dreadful company and his boss is on holiday).
He has left me to deal with the dc, my mum, hospital visits, grieving....and I am getting so angry with him. His life is the same. He isn't broken inside.
He just seems so removed from it all.
I know Aibu but I can't help it.

Hello badvoc I has similar feelings to you regarding dh, I still do as sometimes it feels to me he is utterly insensitive. Somehow they don't seem to see that we are heartbroken.
haribo it is an awful time when the house has to be cleared. It is so awful going through their private stuff. It feels like a great Intrusion. I could not face clearing mums clothes so luckily my aunt did that bit for me. The rest my brother and I had to deal with. I have boxes of my mums stuff here that I could not bear to part with. One day when I am ready I will sort through it.
The house sale going through is also a horrible time. It sounds ridiculous but I hate the people who have my. Mums house now . I know it's not their fault but its how I feel, good luck with everything.
Hi to everyone, hope you are doing ok as can be expected.
Ps my beans are growing and have flowers. My mum would be so pleased!

I am sorry you feel the same mummylin but relieved as well iyswim? At least it's not just me!
I am dreading tomorrow. I love my dc but ATM I just want to curl up in bed and not get out.
And that's not an option.

I don't think I am the only one who has felt like this. You are def not alone. If I am a bit quiet its because I am thinking of mum and dh will say something like " what's the matter with you ? Your very quiet" and I'm thinking to myself why is he even asking , he should know . Irrational maybe but it's how I feel
Are you glad you went to see your dad. Will you go again ? I went 3 times , the last time was 2 hrs before the funeral, and I broke my heart as I knew that was it.but I'm still glad I went
What are you worried about for tomorrow ?

I think I will go the day before the funeral to say goodbye.
Say goodbye....how unbelievable it is to even type those words!
Tomorrow...I need to phone the probate office. I am hoping it will be straightforward as my brain doesn't seem to be working ATM.
I am alone all day with the dc. And I need to see mum and relieve my sister. I have to do probate as I am the executrix. No idea what I am doing though!
Dh is driving me mad...keeps asking me stupid questions and talking another things I simply do not give a toss about.
I recognise my patience a wearing a little thin due to lack of sleep...but...that's how I feel.
I'm so tired.