Support thread for anyone who is grieving for a parent (2)

[mummylin2495]

Welcome to our new home everyone. This should be where we all start to move on a little bit. Together we will cope.

Hello
Well, the funeral is over. It was actually very beautifully done.
A church service then a woodland burial. It was so surreal. I couldn't think, didn't think it was Mum in the coffin. That would be too ridiculous! My Mum in a wooden box, chosen by me...being put in the ground...madness!
I read, well spoke about her actually, didn't cry, I think I did alright, people said I did anyway. I only howled at the graveside.
It's odd though, weird things have happened since. Coincidences really.
I lost some things weeks ago, I remember dropping a couple of bags in town, thought I'd picked them all up, got to the car with one bag missing. ( was really cross as there was a cardigan & some make-up in it) I Put the rest of the bags on the back seat of the car.
Only to discover the missing bag in my car boot yesterday...strange...
Also I called a friend who I have not seen for 3 months, a lovely supportive person, promised to meet her soon, then bumped in to her on a train by accident yesterday....how odd...
Then today ( this will now out me to anyone who knows me, but I don't care)
Went to a christening today. A long standing arrangement, felt I couldn't let anyone down so went along.
Wasn't happy to be in a church again so soon after the funeral, but felt it was the right thing to do.
Whilst waiting for it to start ( was within a normal Sunday service) I checked to see what the the Hymns were going to be, only to discover the first 2 hymns were the same first 2 hymns I had chosen for the funeral. The odds on that must be amazing.
There have been other things too, not so obvious but little things like windows & doors blowing open even though they have been firmly shut.
I asked Mum before she died to let me know she was Ok. I am not one for normally believing in things like paranormal stuff, all a bit 'Woo' for me.....yet I have a feeling something strange is going on......who knows....
Will keep you posted
Mummylin, I hope you get a few more beans, and thank you, all of you for your kind words. They have really helped.
Need some sleep now...goodnight...

Hi everyone ive never posted here before but have read a few posts. I lost my Mum on 13th june this year and im finding it really hard to cope. She died from cancer. I was with her when she went and visited her at the funeral home. The nurses at the hospital were amazing and so was my best friend who was like an adopted daughter to my Mum. I held it together until the funeral when i lost it completely and broke down. Like someone else said on here that they keep wanting to ring their Mum well im like that too. Every time it rings i think its my Mum. And to top it off my brother doesnt even know that Mums gone we cant find him anywhere. Aparrently Mum rang him when she was diagnosed for the second time an he never got back to her. Have just read that back and im sorry if it sound s like im rambling. My Nan (Mums Mum) isnt coping either shes bottling it all up. Shes 90 and my Mum would have been 64 this year. Its not an age to go. Anyway thankyou for getting this far with my rambling.

Oh stephanie your post is so sad. Hope we can help you on here. It is very early days for you and I expect you are finding it very hard to adjust at the moment. It's like you are in an unreal world for a bit and as I have said before, ou look around and everyone else is just going about their business as normal and you feel you want to scream at them and say "how can you be shopping / chatting / whatever, when my mum has just died. It's a very strange feeling and doesn't help your loss.you expect the world to change , but it's only your bit of world that has. It's horrid and you have my sympathies.
Your poor nan, she must be so distraught at losing her dd and your brother is going to have a massive shock when he finally gets to hear. Do you think he is still on your town or gone somewhere else.
Get through each day one by one, I hope you have some RL sport too.
chickydoo glad to see that all went ok and well done for being so strong and doing what you had to. You were certainly braver than I was. My brother spoke but I was a crumbling mess. Hope we can continue to sport you when you need it.
t875 hope things settle down in your new job, takes a it of adjusting too when there is something new doesn't it. Am off out to search for any more beans ! I will ask my mum for help and maybe they will grow enormous in the end !

Oh Mummylin you have just described how im feeling! I have no idea where my brother is he was last known to be living in huddersfield but i dont even have an address for him. My Nan is bottling things up and is making herself ill. I try to cheer her up as best i can but now shes on her own its very hard for her. Anyway i do have some support in rl my best mate has been amazing, without her i would have gone under by now. Thankyou for replying to my post xx

Could you try sending a letter to the local newspapers there asking for him to get in touch. Someone may know him .. Glad to hear you have a good friend to help you through, it's not always the case, sometimes the people you think will be supportive are not there when you really need them. Hope you had n ok day today. Be prepared it will hit you when you least expect it. I feel so sorry for your nan, makes no difference how old your child is, it it devastating for the parent.

Stephanie I'm so sorry for your loss. There's not many things worse than watching someone you love losing their battle. I'm glad you have someone in rl who can support you.

Have you thought of looking on Facebook for your brother? I don't know of you or he use it but it may help find him, even if he doesn't see it someone who knows him might.

I don't know if anyone remembers me from the old thread as its been a while and I only posted a few times. I kept meaning to keep up with you all but life has a way of keeping me busy.

My mum has cervical cancer and in November was told the treatment wasn't working and the doctors told her she only had 2-3 months to live. Thankfully she's still here but I can see her fading.

It's so hard seeing her unable to do things we used to do together. It's her birthday next Monday, she'll be 54, it's no age. I know I'll spend the day wondering if this is the last birthday we'll celebrate with her as I did at Christmas and my and DCs birthdays.

If its this hard while she's still here I don't know how I'll survive when she's gone. I'll have to for my dad and DCs, they'll keep us both going, but I'm terrified.

Most days I'm okay but there's times I wake in the night and it hits me like a punch that sooner than later ill not be able to wave to her on the way to school, call in on the way home or just phone her like I do several times a day.

I don't know what I'll do. Sorry it's a bit long, it's hard to talk to people in rl who haven't been through it.

Hello crazykat when my mum was alive now and then she would start sentences saying " when I'm not here " which would utterly freak me out and I would ask her not to talk about it. Just her saying it made me feel s upset. And then one day it comes true and I have to say its devastating. There is no easy way to accept it and yes it is awful. But you learn to take each day as it comes and the days between bouts of tears get longer in between. I have found this thread invaluable as like you say , it is such a help to be able to speak with others who have gone through it.
There is no quick fix and the grieving is very painful, particularly at first. Most of us on here still get the urge to phone our mums as we always used to. Of course everyone is different and grieves in their own way. You have the added sorrow in watching your mum fade away. But she is with you now. Cherish the time and make lots more memories whilst you can. We will be here when you need us .

Thank you mummylin it helps so much knowing there are others who have been through similar, awful that is must have been for you all, that are here to talk to.

My DH is supportive and great when I'm upset but he's never been through it so finds it hard to understand that a little thing can make me sad. It's tearing me apart seeing my older DCs upset, we were told its best to prepare them so it will be less of a shock. It sounds awful but I'm glad (yet at the same time hate it) that they're so young they'll not remember much about this time. My youngest two probably wont remember her at all.

It feels as though I'm already grieving, not for her, but for the years we should have with her. She's only 53, 54 next week, and I'm 25.

It sounds selfish but I've not long started my degree and she should be here to see me graduate, see my DCs grow up.

I know I should be grateful that she was there when I got married and seen my DCs when there are others on this thread that lost parents as children, I am thankful but I still want more. I want to stamp my feet like a child till I get what I want. But life doesn't work that way.

25 is far too going to lose your mum. Your right there should be so many more things to enjoy together. But it's not to be.
Yes I expect you are already grieving for the life ahead without your dear mum. Life is so unfair. In a way it's good that little children can't remember things, but you can make sure they always know their nan. You can talk to them and will be able to relate things you have done together. You can when they are older keep her alive in their memories. I hope you still have quite a bit of time to enjoy being together.

I've bought a life journal for my mum to fill in. It's got questions about her life and my early life and space for special memories. It just hit me the other day as she was sorting her jewellery and telling me what she wants each of my DDs to have. It just brought it home again.

You will be ok, somewhere we all seem to get added strength to get through these sad times. The journal sounds like a great idea. Must be very sad for your mum to do that, but it will be lovely for your children to learn about her and her life.

Hi Mummylin im going to try that thankyou
Hi Crazykat ive tried facebook and twitter and he doesnt appear to be on there. Ive no idea where he is. Would i be able to post his name on here and hope that someone knows him? Im desperate! If anyone knew where he is they could pm me and let me know.TIA xxxx

I don't see why not bit it would 'out' you to people who know you on RL. Maybe ask MNHQ and check it doesn't break any rules.

I don't use twitter but did you just search for his profile or did you write a public post along the lines of "trying to contact my brother .... If anyone knows him or where he is please ask him to contact me here".

I'm not sure if the public can access the electoral role/register but that might be worth a try assuming he's registered to vote.

I think you can find people on electoral roll in libraries. I don't know if it would only be for the town you live in though.there are sites that you can find people but think you may have to pay. I don't think it's a lot though. What about friends reunited. You could do a search on there. Have done that myself and found old workmates.

Hi Crazykat i just searched his profile on both facebook and twitter but hes not there.
Hi Mummylin have wondered about electoral roll but would have to go to his home town and i dont know if hes still in huddersfield or not. Its just so frustrating not knowing along with everything else ive had to deal with. Thankyou for your ideas anyway will have to keep trying thats all.

hi to all the newcomers to this thread, and I'm really so sorry you had to join it at all, also hi to crazycat again! I'm really so very sorry we're all here at all girls, bereavement and all that comes with it is so very hard to take and watching someone you love slipping away is utterly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

can I ask mummylin, t875, girls who have been through losing their mums, did you go through a period of anxiety about your own health? My mum has been gone nearly 10 months now and I'm really wound up with worries about my health, I'm going to my doctors all the time with something, I'm terrified I've got something serious and I'm going to leave my kids like my mum left me, I'm just utterly terrified of this and its affecting my health. I worry and worry and worry all the time. I feel its because I feel so alone since mum died and she's the last of my family gone, as you know I'm not close to siblings and I feel theres no back up out there for me, family wise, although dh is good he doesn't feel like family, isn't that awful. I imagine family supports you and is there for you when you need them and I've realised I don't have that and it panics me and makes me feel alone in the world. I think my health anxiety comes from this, I have a friend who feels the same, she isn't close to her family and only has her old dad left and she feels terrified incase something happens to her too. I feel I need something to calm me down. When I went to a spiritualist night a few months ago, I was told my dad came through and told me "don't worry", that's exactly what he would have said to me, he was a worrier like me.

I don't know if this is normal, I just don't know if I'm driving myself mad. I'm seeing cruse on the 18th, maybe I should discuss it with them?

I don't actually worry about my health as such , but I often feel sad thinking that one day my own children will have to go through this. I also worry about my siblings. As some of you know , we already have lost a sister and the thought of going through it all again is horrendous. I am lucky in that we are all close, but is that going to make it feel even worse ? There are 5 of us left , but the thought that one day there will only be one of us is truly awful. I think it makes us all thin k about our own mortality More than perhaps we would of done. Hope cruse will help you ssd it sounds like its all overwhelming for you. Not long till the 18 th.

thats exactly how I feel, like I'm the only one left. TBH it isnt that I worry about my health, I dont care what happens to me, but it affecting my kids just kills me, knowing they've only got dh to fall back on. I worry for them.

It is horrible to think these things , but I guess when you have lost someone close, it makes you think about your nearest and dearest family and you realise that one day !! And it's a very scary thought. I'm sure we all think this at some point, but it's best not to dwell on it too much or we would all be seriously depressed. I think it has been such a horrible time for you because of the family situation and this maybe has made you even more stressed about it than maybe me for instance. You def need to speak to someone to help you ssd or you will become Ill. Very difficult for you. X

Hi sad I think you definitely need to talk it through with someone either at cruse or your GP. I know what you mean about worrying over your own health. Just after my mum got told she didn't have long I had a couple of symptoms that she'd had before her diagnosis and I got really worried. It was nothing just my body adjusting after having DS2 and starting the pill again but I freaked that I had cancer too.
It sounds ridiculous now but at the time I was terrified.

I think when someone close to you especially a parent dies or gets a terminal diagnosis it makes us realise that we're not immortal. We know that no one can live forever but we don't think about what it will be like when someone close dies.

I remember saying to DH that in a way it's cruel to have kids as we are setting them up to have their hearts broken. Life can be wonderful but at times it's so cruel.

It sounds ridiculous , but I also think about when my kids get old and are frail and ill and I won't be here to look after them ! Guess that's being a mum .

Yeah im a lot more anxious than I was ssd! I remember going for a smear and really being scared, shaking actually. But yeah its definitely made me more paranoid and paranoid of those around me, i definitely have to shut off from it big time.

Hope everyone is going along the best they can today..
im on a downer, melancholy really sad and in deep thought of missing my mum, eldest is stressing me out big time, shouting and answering back all the time..my dad is struggling more atm, im just very down today finding it all very hard, all i asked my eldest to do was dust her room, im seriously not needing this stress!! I have one day off its too hard for me right now..really is i just think everything though is over whelming me, im very stressed and bitter today!! xx

Sorry you are having a bad day t875. Your not allowed to ask kids to dust,or do anything actually. Or so they seem to think. My dd has the same thing with her dd,s. they want their phone,s topped up. Want her to drive them places etc but never want to do anything in return ! You are not alone.isould not of dared to refuse if my mum had asked me to do something. Don't know what's wrong with the. These days. Hope you have a better day tomorrow and that you get some help!

I used to get really stressed by it, now I will ask nicely once, remind and if it doesn't get done I take priveleges from rooms. had a better week with behaviour and such I am currently hunting for bargains for ds birthday so anyone point me in the direction of ninja turtles or boys toys id be appreciative sorry to hear you have been feeling so bad, it does leave you feeling flat some days. they aren't easy days thinking about what you are missing. I have been emailing Samaritans just wanted someone to talk too, they are nice and have kept in touch but they asked if I ever felt if I can't go on, I felt awful saying no. like I didn't miss my mum enough which god I do but I would never put my children through the pain we are going through now by choice. some days are bleak but I try to write them off and carry on. I am annoyed as my nans birthday is coming up, I want to make it a nice day for her but I know her other two children won't bother so she will be upset. I miss my mum and all the effort she made for birthdays making whoever feel special.