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Bereavement

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Original poster

A little hand holding please...

510 replies

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 26/04/2013 03:48

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

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tumbletumble · 20/05/2013 18:35

Well done for going to the theatre on Friday, Survival. I'm so glad to hear your friends are supporting you through this.

I think you're right to keep weekends busy and active for the sake of your boys. Can your thinking / processing time be in the evenings after they've gone to sleep? Or are you too knackered by then?

Thinking about you.

Original poster
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 21/05/2013 22:56

Yesterday was hard. Ds1 wouldn't get out of bed for school and cried a lot about not wanting to go. I guess he knows that I am currently at home full time and that ds2 is getting more of my time (although actually, he is entertaining himself a lot while I make phone calls etc..) When Ds1 is at home, we have had a lot fo visitors and he said, "No more visitors this week!" which I have decided is a good idea. I'm also arrangin for my mum to have ds2 for a bit during half term so I cna spend a little one-to-one time with ds1. I hope this will help, but it wasn't in time to help yesterday morning. I emailed the Head who was very sympathetic and we have set up a weekly session of child-led play herapy for him at school so that there is an outlet there if he chooses to use it (or can just play dinosaurs if not). I pretty much wobbled all day after that.

I managed to take the certificates to the JobCentrePlus for verification re benefits. Bizarrely, a man was involved in a scuffle with two police officers barely 10 feet away from me and arrested while I was there. I giggled about the fact that you could write a comedy sketch of my life at the moment. Ds2 was safely out the way at pre-school, so it was only me seeing all the excitement, luckily.

I also rang the fire brigade to request a visit to us re creating a safe exit plan from the house at night. My house caugth fire when I was 14 so I am very aware of the dangers of fire and feel very vulnerable without my great big, strong husband around. I don't actually meet the criteria for a free check (as I don't smoke or take drugs basically!), but the lady did say she would see if they could do one anyway due to my circumstances.

Today, I have done chores in town with ds2 and had lovely friends round tonight after bedtime. It was lovely to have some playign time with the boys before tea, just the three of us. Ds1 didn't even really want me to join in the game they were playing, but my proximity and interest seemed to be enough for him.

The hospital has been in touch today and the boys will have some initial heart screening done next Thursday locally, before being referred straight onto our regional centre. It's nice to have a date to work towards now.

The best news in the last 24 hours (in addition to a lovely donation from a group of friends) has been that one of dh's cousins is helping the football club that dh supported to apply for match funding for a defib machine that would be kept at the ground for players, staff and supporters. I thought that was a fab idea. The British Heart Foundation and the FA have apparently got a scheme running until the end of next week for teams in particular leagues. Might be worth folks checking it out if any clubs locally haven't got one. Certainly the one in our village is now to be sited at the local sports club, rather than at the village shop. Clearly, people can need it anywhere, but sport does put extra strain on the heart.

Time for bed now. I've been reading a fab book that a friend recommended called 'Death and how to survive it'. The problem is, I can't put it down and I'm getting even less sleep! Thank you for continuing to read and offering your support.

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Original poster
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 21/05/2013 22:56

Sorry for typos - I'm tired and forgot to proof read properly.

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Poledra · 21/05/2013 23:37

Don't apologise for typos - just put down the phone and curl up in bed for some sleep. I'll hold your hand until you've drifted off.

You are one amazing woman.

saffronwblue · 22/05/2013 01:19

Hope you are havng a lovely sleep. I can't believe how much you are doing and how you are managing to put your DC first, as individuals and as a family.
I hope the fire brigade come through. xx

MunchkinsMumof2 · 22/05/2013 12:47

You still sound like you are doing incredibly well, Survival. Maybe writing how you feel down could help as it could be a way of processing your thoughts and emotions when the boys are asleep. Poor Ds not wanting to go to school but it sounds like your Head is aware and being sensitive to his needs. You are allowed as many wobbles as it takes to get through the day, they are perfectly normal and one of the many aspects of grief. I hope you slept well and today is as good as it can be for you all x

FoxyRevenger · 22/05/2013 15:16

Hi Survival,

Just a wee wave from me, checking in to see how you are doing.

I hope you're managing to chill out a little bit, your days seem so jam packed!!

PollyLogos · 22/05/2013 20:46

Just wanted to say 'Hello" and say that I think you are being amazing. x

Original poster
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 25/05/2013 07:10

Well, today it is a month since dh died and I still can't really believe it (or the journey that we have taken since that awful evening). It's like I'm in some horrid dream that I'm hoping will end and that my marathon of managing alone (with an army of fab helpers) will be finished. And then it hits me that this is really only the very beginning and it takes my breath away all over again.
We are all missing dh so very much in so many ways (and ds2 at 2.15a.m every night when he's mostly asleep and cries out for him). We miss his cuddles, his big smile, his constant love and support, and his relaxed attitude (even though it sometimes drove me slightly bonkers!) I'm doing my very best to look after the boys as well as I can and to help them along their journey into this whole new world, but, gosh, it's tiring (especially after a couple of very short nights).

We bought memory boxes yesterday and the boys want to decorate theirs over the weekend. I've bought a file for all the probate paperwork and so, practically at least, we are taking the next small steps. It is half term now and ds1 has really benefitted from less visitors this week, as he requested, because he has had some of my undivided attention. I'm planning more opportunities for this in the coming days.

Ds1 has a urine infection, which he told me about at 5.30 last night, so I had a rush around to get antibiotics arranged. Much more planning required just to achieve the simplest of things.

The boys' appointments have come through for the 6th June (not next week) and a kind friend has agreed to come with us, as the families are all busy.

Time to start the day now. Thanks for your support.

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saffronwblue · 25/05/2013 09:00

I hope some nice things happen for you and the boys today. You are amazing.

Heavywheezing · 25/05/2013 09:20

I have just read your post. As one mum with boys your sons ages.I'm so sorry.

ChippingInLovesSpring · 25/05/2013 18:02

You are doing really well, I'm sure your DH would be immensely proud of you x :)

It is entirely shit & shouldn't be happening, it's so bloody unfair.

Lots of love & strength - and know, no matter what, you aren't alone x

Original poster
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 25/05/2013 22:12

Thank you for your lovely messages.

Today started awfully. Ds1 cried non-stop for about 30 minutes because he didn't want to go back to his swimming lesson (which he subsequently really enjoyed). He then threw his favourite teddy in the bathroom bin while I was in the shower because he was angry. I insisted it then had to go in the wash, which made everything much worse. He and ds2 then decided they wanted to go and live with their grandparents. Having tried to jolly them out of it, I eventually got the phone and started to dial numbers. Both boys started crying and we kissed and made up.

At swimming we were surrounded by daddies and their children, which I hadn't factored in. I ended up blurting out our 'story' to a lady I've only spoken to a few times! (In fairness, it's a miracle I haven't told at least half a dozen checkout staff in the supermarkets I've been in since 25th April!)

The day improved greatly from there, with a visit from a lovely friend and her children. We potted up some tubs in the garden and then had a visit from the local fire officers who came to talk to me about fire safety (at my own request) and let the boys sit in the cab and wear their helmets. The boys were made up! The day ended nicely.

I'm feeling lonely tonight and wishing we could turn the clock back. The last month has proved to me how brilliant our friends are, and I'm definitely not alone, but they're not dh, and somehow I have to carry on finding the strength to support our gorgeous boys without him. After two consecutive short nights, that seems like a rather daunting task. My determination to get it right for them will see me through though, I know.

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lucidlady · 25/05/2013 22:33

Thinking of you x

YoniMitchel · 25/05/2013 22:49

you are amazing, I am in awe of your strength and determination x

JewelFairies · 25/05/2013 23:16

Biscuit and Brew and Thanks
Thinking of you every day and still in awe of what you are doing. Have had a few chats with dh and it is pretty clear neither of us would manage as well as you are.
(Name changed 'virtual friend' here from the postnatal thread)

JewelFairies · 25/05/2013 23:22

Random thought. Have you thought of having two photo books printed 'me and my daddy' one for each ds? It would mean sorting through five years of photos to choose ones with each ds and daddy and there will be some overlapping ones of course from the last three years. But I could see your boys taking some comfort from the lovely times they had.

ScienceRocks · 26/05/2013 01:13

Survival, I can't believe a month has passed. There isn't an hour of a day that has passed without me thinking of you. You are doing tremendously well, stay in the here and now for the time being. It sounds as though ds1 is struggling, but hopefully some down time over half term will help.

I am also a pn friend. Stay with us, we are all there for you. Whatever and whenever you need it. Much much love and hugs x

Original poster
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 27/05/2013 08:03

Thank you, as ever. I like the idea of the photobooks. They do have 2-3 general photo albums from baby days until aged 3, but not specifically focussed on them and dh. There would be plenty of photos as I was always the one behind the camera.

Ds1 had a very sad day yesterday. He told me at one point that he wanted to show me a picture. He took me to our wedding photos that hang in the stairwell and cried because be was worried we'd have to take them down now. I showed him my wedding ring and said that I still wear it and that we'd only ever take them form if we all decided we wanted to.

He's very hard to help as he's not a cuddly boy and often runs off if you try to console him. I can't work out if he does it for attention and actually wants to be followed, or if he genuinely wants space, so I generally go after him and sit quietly at a little distance, offering a cuddle from time to time.

Yesterday we spent a successful day with my in laws here and I guess it must have felt strange for the boys as dh would always have been here when the in laws visited.

Ds2 was up for an hour in the night being sad about Daddy. He is still asking when Daddy is going to come home at night, although in the daytime he does seem to understand a little better. Again, I'm not sure if he's just enjoying my company in the night, or if that's really the unfortunate time at which he processes it all. I feel I have to go with it for the time being. Doesn't help improve my tiredness though!

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YellowDinosaur · 27/05/2013 08:10

Sending you a big hug. What you are doing in holding everything together for your boys is amazing. Be kind to yourself too - as you say its still really early days for you all. I love the photo books idea. I think that would be lovely for your boys if it wasn't too painful for you. Thinking of you all x

YellowDinosaur · 27/05/2013 08:14

Cross posted. More hugs and it sounds like you are handling everything just right even if it probably doesn't always feel like it. Your boys will continue to be sad but with you as their Mum they are very lucky x

Ilovegeorgeclooney · 27/05/2013 12:29

So so sorry. My DH also died suddenly of a heart problem, SADS, he was slightly older 51 and our DC were in their teens. I think you just have to muddle through, two years later we are still going and still missing him dreadfully but it is more affectionate memories than the gut wrenching pain of the first year. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Original poster
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 28/05/2013 07:52

Sorry to hear that your dh has died too Ilove. Thank you for giving me some reassurance that we might not always feel quite this awful.

We had a fairly okay day yesterday, with the usualS ups and downs. Mariah Carey's 'There's a hero' came on the radio as I drove home from shopping. That finished me off and I'm sure the people in the traffic jam around me probably noticed!

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ClimbingPenguin · 28/05/2013 20:39

oh Survival :( I don't think anyone would have withstood that song.

How you doing tonight?

Original poster
SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 29/05/2013 08:13

Worked on the photobooks far too late! My db is coming today and is staying over so I can have a little lie in tomorrow morning. 1:1 time planned for ds1 and I this a.m which will be nice.

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