A little hand holding please...

[SurvivalOfTheUnfittest]

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

[CommsWhizz]

Another here joining in the 'we're thinking of you and wondering how you are' general vibe. Heartbreakingly, a friend of mine now finds herself in the same situation as you and I've found your posts genuinely inspiring and when she's ready, I'll advise her to read them.

I so hope you're doing OK, and those glorious boys of yours, and 2014 is being kind so far. It's still such early days, I hope that you're coping and not struggling.

Sending love.

[DGLLB]

How are you doing survival, hope you & your boys are well

[SurvivalOfTheUnfittest]

Hi folks. Sorry I've been a bit absent. There have been things going on about which I have been unable to post, so it felt disingenuous to give half a story.

I can now say that I have left my old job and have taken on a simpler role part time, which suits me well for the moment, although it leaves me with virtually no time for myself to get things done. Once ds2 goes to school in September, this should ease.

I have also had very little contact with some family members since Christmas and this has been difficult to deal with. The boys have been vaguely aware and I have tried to cover it up for the sake of their relationships with relatives who love them, if not me. It is very tiring to maintain this.

On Sunday, we held our charity event in dh's memory, to mark what would have been his 40th birthday last Tuesday. It began as a vague idea to raise money and keep me busy at a difficult time. It turned into a big charity fun day which involved a sponsored run/walk going on at the same time. I had a lot of help from a wonderful group of local friends and the whole village community really ran with the idea. Dh's colleagues also bought a lot of raffle tickets and provided a lot of tombola prizes etc.. Anyway, dh looked after the weather, as I had instructed, and we had an amazing day. So far, we have raised more than £7000 for Cardiac Risk in the Young (CRY) but money is still coming in. Now, I am somewhat worn, not least because I had to spend last Thursday night in hospital with ds2 having a sleep study and I only slept for two hours. I guess some 'come down' from the last few weeks was inevitable and today I have been really tearful for the first time in a long time.

Day to day, we are doing pretty well. The boys are being challenging, but I have no way of knowing how they would have been behaving if we were still a regular family with two parents. I've started a new reward system to try and get them back on the straight and narrow. Ds2 has started saying that he wants to go and be with Daddy, but I suspect that he really means he wants him back with us. I have merely said that we need ds2 here with ds1 and I for a long time to come, but I understand why he wants to see his daddy so much.

The biggest change that has happened so far this year is that I have become more involved with Widowed and Young (WAY). CommsWhizz, if I had one piece of advice for your friend, along with my condolences, it would be to join WAY. I meet up with other people in our situation regularly and there is always someone else up and on the facebook page at all times of night. (Their new website is nearly ready too). The boys are enjoying getting to know other children in a similar situation. We have a lot of fun and laughs, but if anyone is feeling sad, we all get it and the 'front' can be dropped for a while. My friends continue to be truly wonderful, but meeting up with people in the same situation is very supportive.

On Monday, ds1 will celebrate his 6th birthday. It will be the last 'first' since dh died, apart for the anniversary of his death on April 25th. I am definitely moving forward and feeling more able to cope on a day to day basis, but special occasions are still immensely difficult days, which must be endured.

Someone asked me recently if I thought the boys were over the worst. I laughed. Our journey is only just beginning. It is a rollercoaster ride every single day, and our emotions can change minute by minute and hour by hour. Just because we've been learning how to live this new, reconstructed life for 11 months does not mean that we have mastered it. Some days, I feel like I could take on the world and am full of energy. Some days, just getting through the day is still exhausting. When I wake, I have no way of knowing which kind of day I will face. (If the boys are jumping from a window sill as they were today before 6a.m, I have a fair idea..).

I feel extremely fortunate. I have met a lot of bereaved people in the last few months and have reflected on the fact that the manner of Dunc's death was the easiest it could be on the rest of us. He didn't become ill over months or years and he didn't collapse in front of us all. The shock of his sudden death was hard to bear, but it is fast becoming a blur. It is amazing what the brain does to help us to heal. I am also extremely fortunate to have fantastic friends who still go way beyond the normal bounds of friendship to support us (including my amazing MN friends). Of course, most of all, I am fortunate to have two gorgeous, lively, clever boys who get me out of bed, make me run around the park/over hills and dance madly every day. They wear me out, but they also pick me up when I am sad and they give me a reason to keep on keeping on. Little by little, we are doing just that.

I'm under no illusions. We will be dealing with the fall out from losing our invisible superhero forever, but we are finding ways of managing without him visibly by our sides because we have to do so. On the more difficult days, he seems to consistently send us rainbows (yes, it's our fault that we've had the wettest winter in years - but have you noticed all the rainbows?!) I hope that we are making him proud and I fully intend to keep on doing so.

Love to you all.

[Rowgtfc72]

Survival, hope there are many more rainbows for you and your boys.

[trulymadlydeeply]

Survival: it sounds as though you are making progress. I'm so glad to hear that you have found a truly understanding and supportive network for you and the boys. Small steps, lovely, and some days sound better than others for sure (the only direction?)
Much love
Xxx

[Cezella]

Survival, I have just read this whole thread and am sat here in tears. I just wanted to say I think you might just be the strongest person I've ever encountered. Massive massive hugs for you and your boys, I'm in awe of you xxxx

[TwentyTinyToes]

Great to hear from you, as ever your strength is inspiring. Wishing for plenty more rainbows along the way. X

[SurvivalOfTheUnfittest]

Thanks folks.
Cezella, thank you for taking the time to read my thread. I hope you had a glass of wine handy! I'm just a person who has found myself in the middle of a situation with little choice but to do what I can to keep going for my boys. The WAY group is full of other people doing exactly the same (or slightly different, depending on their own individual situations). If you ever meet anyone who is widowed under the age of 50, please send them in WAY's direction.

[onedev]

I'm another who has just found & read through your entire thread with lots of tears in my eyes.

Your love for your husband & children shines so brightly & you sound like you are doing amazingly well (although I can imagine that's hard for you to see at times) - no doubt he would be very proud.

Wishing you continued strength.

[Itsfab]

I have thought of you over the 11 months since I first read the dreadful news that your DH had died and I think you are one of the most incredible people I don't know.

Please go to a phone shop asap and ask them how to make sure your precious messages are saved forever. I wonder if there is even a way to print them out? Maybe if it is cut and paste and then email them to yourself for printing out?

[TotalBlamBlam]

Hi Survival, I followed your thread from the beginning last April and wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your DCs as you approach the first anniversary of losing your beloved DH.

[Rowgtfc72]

Thinking of you and your boys today x

[AFingerofFudge]

Also thinking of TeamSurvival today - have thought of you on and off over the months and know that today will bring unprecendented challenges and emotions, but hope you get through it with support x

[CorporateRockWhore]

Survival, a year? Oh my word. I hope you and your boys her through the next few days as well as can be expected. xxx

[JumpingJetFlash]

Hi Survival,

I've just sat and read through your thread with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat. I am amazed at your strength and feel that your boys are so lucky to have you as a mum - you are helping them through a time that is heartbreaking for you too.

I'm sorry if that sounds trite, I didn't want to read your thread and not comment.

[trulymadlydeeply]

I can't believe it's been a year, Survival. Hope you are living up to your name and getting through the day. Can't imagine how hard it may be. Thinking of you with love. X xx

[SurvivalOfTheUnfittest]

You are all so lovely to think of us today (well, technically yesterday now..). We've made it though the day and actually, thanks to wonderful friends, it has been a good day. The last few days have been hard. I have updated my blog today and writing it was difficult earlier in the week. (It's on the Mumsnet bloggers network under 'Youngish, widowed and mostly still smiling' in case you want to read it).

Today though, we have: been to a double hospital appointment for the boys at the hospital where DH officially died; walked up a big hill in the mist and rain with friends and blown bubbles to Daddy; had a picnic lunch in the lounge with our friends (due to the weather); been to watch a memorial football match between DH's work and footie mates (and ds1 was invited onto the pitch to tuck away a couple of penalties for them, followed by a forward roll as a goal celebration!); had the boys' tea at a friend's house and then had curry and wine with friends here this evening.
The hour from 6pm till 7pm was weird, knowing that it was the last few minutes of last year befriend our lives changed forever, but it past, with my friend around for a hug, and we carried on regardless, as usual.

DS1 has had a bout of arrhythmia in the last couple of weeks so that has shaken me somewhat. He has had tests done this week and we will hear back in a fortnight about whether the results are significant or not. I'm assuming all will be well until I hear differently.

We've also had electrical problems in the house and the floorboards of four rooms up and holes cut in the walls of one room yesterday. This kind of thing would not usually have stressed me out, but yesterday it did.

Tomorrow, we will have a fairly quiet day. I am beginning to recognise my limits and have cancelled the tricky plans that had been made for the day as I expect to be quite tired. We might go for a walk in our local bluebell wood as it was one of our favourite places to go as a family of four.

Thank you again for all your support, both today and all through the year. It has made a tremendous difference to me.

[onedev]

I can't express my thoughts very well here at all as nothing I type seems suitable, so I'll simply say I'm another who is thinking of you & wishing you all the very best.

[saffronwblue]

I too have been thinking of you Survival. I think your DH would be very proud of you and your boys. xx

[trulymadlydeeply]

Glad the day passed off peacefully, Survival: you are amazing. Hope Bluebell Wood was salve for your soul. X xx

[SurvivalOfTheUnfittest]

Thanks all. I've now been thrown into another scary situation with my own health. Have to wait two weeks to find out more and am doing my best to stay positive, despite pain and feeling poorly. Today is a year since DH's funeral and still life is not easing up on me. Thank goodness for my two lovely DS.

[WearYourPinkGloveBabe]

Survival how bloody unfair!

I'm sure life is holding back and you're in for an amazingly easy ride in a few years time. xxx

[saffronwblue]

Keep us posted survival. Can't believe you have another health issue to deal with. Life is just bloody unfair sometimes. I hope you get the answers you want.