I've had a hard few days. I've always found school holidays hard, and this one has been tiring. Ds1 has had a couple of meltdowns and it's hard to know how to help him. Ds2 is still constantly damp, which has been his reaction to all this since day 1, but I'm getting fed up of washing 5 pairs of trousers a day 5 weeks later. We've had some lovely visitors, and I've built in plenty of down time too so that the boys have had my attention.
I've ordered ds1's photobook but haven't had the strength yet to start ds2's. I will obviously keep ds1's until I have both ready. I think they'll be relatively unimpressed now, but will appreciate them as they get bigger. I've called it 'My adventures with Daddy'. It was hard to put together as it really drove home what we've lost.
I can only liken all this to the feelings of becoming parents for the first time - the shock of the world changed forever; the busy nature of the first few weeks, with gifts, flowers and visits from people you haven't seen in ages; and the tiredness - overwhelming, bone-numbing tiredness that zaps your memory capacity and leaves you with little energy to do the most basic of tasks. I remember hitting a metaphorical wall at about 6 weeks with ds1, before he started to sleep a bit more, feed regularly and smile a lot. At that point, the fog lifted and we settled into life as a family of 3. I'm 5.5 weeks into this strange new world, as a family of 3 again - but with different members, and my energy levels are very low. The bad news is that I know we are not about to turn a corner and that, somehow, I just have to keep on going. I know I need to lower my standards, go to bed earlier and generally be kinder to myself, but I'm a perfectionist and it's not easy to do. I need to play more with the boys and try to nag them less about the small things. I, of all people, should know how unimportant the small things are, after all, but tiredness makes it hard to be patient.
Then there's the tears... I can't talk about dh at the moment without 'leaking', as ds1 calls it. I was never one for crying in public. I know nobody minds, and people are probably relieved, but I worry that once I start, I might not be able to stop.
The financial side of things is gradually becoming clearer and looks like we will be okay, but it is always on my mind. I feel very responsible for getting things in place to be able to provide for the boys, but I know nothing about financial stuff. I've made an appointment to see a financial advisor we know and trust for a week on Monday. Hopefully, I will sleep better after that.
I need to go to bed but there's no one here to encourage me to turn off MN! Practically, I'm coping pretty well. We're all eating, beds are changed, homework is done... There's just this ache inside that doesn't go away. Music helps to distract me for a while, as does bouncing on the trampoline with the boys or running after them on their bikes in the park, but it's always there, reminding me that things will always be slightly worse, no matter how much better they get in time. Generally, I try to forget that, and concentrate on each little step instead. Changing the beds, mastering the use of the petrol lawn mower and remembering all the boys' daily medicines are small victories along the way. My determination to make the best of this still remains. Hopefully, a good night will give me more physical strength to take tomorrow's steps.