A little hand holding please...

[SurvivalOfTheUnfittest]

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

[SurvivalOfTheUnfittest]

Thanks timetopost. I am intending to update my blog next month as we will hit the eighteen month mark. Goodness knows where the time has gone!

[SurvivalOfTheUnfittest]

Suddenly realised I hadn't updated on here for some time.

Ds1's cardiac issues seem to have calmed down for the time being. His test results came back unchanged, which is good news, and he will continue to be monitored. Having read about the Hand On Heart campaign on MN at the time when I was most worried about ds1, I nominated our village school for a free defib and we were awarded one. I feel much more comfortable leaving him there now in the knowledge that the very best medical equipment is there, should he ever need it.

Ds2 will start school in ten days. It will be a weird day, as DH came with us when ds1 started school. However, the lovely teacher who was teaching ds1 when DH died is still there and will no doubt give ds2 a wonderful introduction into school life.

We have had a very busy summer, like last year. We have been camping with friends, visiting people all over the place, cycling, swimming and generally keeping busy to try and stop the boys from fighting. I have booked them into a bit of sport each week to give myself a little break, although it has been interrupted twice by ds1 being poorly. On Monday we are flying to Newquay for a few days as a final adventure for the summer, followed by more camping locally with friends next weekend.

The boys are doing pretty well. Ds1 is struggling with his gastro issues and sometimes with his behaviour too. It is hard to know how much is about losing his daddy and how much is about being 6. Either way, there is no-one coming home at the end of a work day to ask if he has been kind and polite and it has certainly been a long holiday with lots of bickering and me being tired and less patient than I would have liked.

Next week it will be 16 months since DH died. It is astonishing to think that we have got through 16 months without him here. I still find the whole thing hard to comprehend. However, through our involvement with WAY (Widowed and Young) and also through a brilliant counsellor that I have been seeing for the last three months, I feel very different now. I know I can do this double-parenting thing and I am calmer about the boys' on-going health issues too. I believe in myself much more, which is key in my new life. I still cry sometimes, particularly, when I am tired or the boys have been challenging, but the good days now out-number the bad days and I am getting on with living. I am able to help other people out again, which is something I really missed in the early months. I am more able to see other people's points of view now, whereas initially I just had to concentrate on myself (and the boys) and my own difficulties.

I hope to pick up some supply teaching once ds2 has settled into school and have been enjoying working in the boys' school in the meantime. I also need a bit of time to regroup, to catch up on important jobs and to begin to think about the future and what it might look like. Once I have some ideas, I'll come back and update you!

[trulymadlydeeply]

Goodness me you've had a tough year, Survival. However, you're not called survival for nothing!! Hope that you manage to stay calm for the hideous wait time, and that all is well with your health.
Lots of love and keep us posted. X xx

[Itsfab]

I hope it is a false alarm, survival and that your DS is okay too.

[saffronwblue]

Keep us posted survival. Can't believe you have another health issue to deal with. Life is just bloody unfair sometimes. I hope you get the answers you want.

[WearYourPinkGloveBabe]

Survival how bloody unfair!

I'm sure life is holding back and you're in for an amazingly easy ride in a few years time. xxx

[SurvivalOfTheUnfittest]

Thanks all. I've now been thrown into another scary situation with my own health. Have to wait two weeks to find out more and am doing my best to stay positive, despite pain and feeling poorly. Today is a year since DH's funeral and still life is not easing up on me. Thank goodness for my two lovely DS.

[trulymadlydeeply]

Glad the day passed off peacefully, Survival: you are amazing. Hope Bluebell Wood was salve for your soul. X xx

[saffronwblue]

I too have been thinking of you Survival. I think your DH would be very proud of you and your boys. xx

[onedev]

I can't express my thoughts very well here at all as nothing I type seems suitable, so I'll simply say I'm another who is thinking of you & wishing you all the very best.

[SurvivalOfTheUnfittest]

You are all so lovely to think of us today (well, technically yesterday now..). We've made it though the day and actually, thanks to wonderful friends, it has been a good day. The last few days have been hard. I have updated my blog today and writing it was difficult earlier in the week. (It's on the Mumsnet bloggers network under 'Youngish, widowed and mostly still smiling' in case you want to read it).

Today though, we have: been to a double hospital appointment for the boys at the hospital where DH officially died; walked up a big hill in the mist and rain with friends and blown bubbles to Daddy; had a picnic lunch in the lounge with our friends (due to the weather); been to watch a memorial football match between DH's work and footie mates (and ds1 was invited onto the pitch to tuck away a couple of penalties for them, followed by a forward roll as a goal celebration!); had the boys' tea at a friend's house and then had curry and wine with friends here this evening.
The hour from 6pm till 7pm was weird, knowing that it was the last few minutes of last year befriend our lives changed forever, but it past, with my friend around for a hug, and we carried on regardless, as usual.

DS1 has had a bout of arrhythmia in the last couple of weeks so that has shaken me somewhat. He has had tests done this week and we will hear back in a fortnight about whether the results are significant or not. I'm assuming all will be well until I hear differently.

We've also had electrical problems in the house and the floorboards of four rooms up and holes cut in the walls of one room yesterday. This kind of thing would not usually have stressed me out, but yesterday it did.

Tomorrow, we will have a fairly quiet day. I am beginning to recognise my limits and have cancelled the tricky plans that had been made for the day as I expect to be quite tired. We might go for a walk in our local bluebell wood as it was one of our favourite places to go as a family of four.

Thank you again for all your support, both today and all through the year. It has made a tremendous difference to me.

[trulymadlydeeply]

I can't believe it's been a year, Survival. Hope you are living up to your name and getting through the day. Can't imagine how hard it may be. Thinking of you with love. X xx

[JumpingJetFlash]

Hi Survival,

I've just sat and read through your thread with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat. I am amazed at your strength and feel that your boys are so lucky to have you as a mum - you are helping them through a time that is heartbreaking for you too.

I'm sorry if that sounds trite, I didn't want to read your thread and not comment.

[CorporateRockWhore]

Survival, a year? Oh my word. I hope you and your boys her through the next few days as well as can be expected. xxx

[AFingerofFudge]

Also thinking of TeamSurvival today - have thought of you on and off over the months and know that today will bring unprecendented challenges and emotions, but hope you get through it with support x

[Rowgtfc72]

Thinking of you and your boys today x

[TotalBlamBlam]

Hi Survival, I followed your thread from the beginning last April and wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your DCs as you approach the first anniversary of losing your beloved DH.

[Itsfab]

I have thought of you over the 11 months since I first read the dreadful news that your DH had died and I think you are one of the most incredible people I don't know.

Please go to a phone shop asap and ask them how to make sure your precious messages are saved forever. I wonder if there is even a way to print them out? Maybe if it is cut and paste and then email them to yourself for printing out?