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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 20 21

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

A little hand holding please...

510 replies

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 26/04/2013 03:48

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

OP posts:

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Homebird8 · 03/05/2013 03:05

I was un lucky enough to have a conversation with my DM the night before she passed away and asked her what she wanted included in her funeral. She usually a complete control freak unexpectedly said that she thought that funerals were to comfort the living and to put whatever we needed to in it.

I'm sure you will find the things that you need for your DH's funeral and given your wonderful descriptions of him I think that he'd just want to know that in some small way they were right and comforting for you.

You are so thoughtful in including your ILs in decisions. Perhaps it will help to know that you are all in this together and that whilst you all may need to express things differently it's simply a reflection of everyone's individual relationship with your loving DH.

Team Survival are amazing and an inspiration. Sending balance and comfort for you to express yourself and cope with everything you're going through.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 03/05/2013 15:34

Thinking of you Survival....

xx

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 04/05/2013 00:13

Sorry for your loss Ephemeralfairy. I'm amazed by how many folks this actually seems to happen to.

Yesterday, dm and I managed to get both boys to our regional children's hospital for a regular appointment. On the way back, we also managed to purchase a tiger teddy that ds1 had said he wanted to buy and have placed in Daddy's coffin. My dm brilliantly suggested that the boys should have one each to keep too. They are now named Bounce and Pounce, which fits the boys nicely!

Yesterday we got a cause of death - myocardial fibrosis - which effectively means scarring on the heart muscle, which can cause fatal arrhythmias. (It also means dh had an enlarged heart, so it is now officially recognised that he was indeed a man 'with a big heart', as everyone has been telling me). An underlying cause may be more tricky to establish apparently.

Practically, what this means is a) we now have a date booked, next Friday, for a funeral and b) the medics know what they are looking for in the boys (and they each have an hour's appointment next week).

Last night, some good friends and I were looking for the perfect song for dh's departure from the church. This morning, I suddenly remembered Jack Johnson's 'Better Together' and it is perfect. We nearly danced to it at our wedding, but felt it was too tricky to dance to. This time, we don't need to dance.

The vicar and I have also decided we will sing 'Swing low sweet chariot' as a hymn, in recognition of dh's love of sport. The words fit the occasion too. He will enter to the Imperial March from Star Wars and I believe he would have a big grin on his face because he was teaching the boys how to swing light sabers (without decapitating my only ornament) to it recently! It's gradually starting to come together.

I have found and cropped a fab photo of dh for the order of service, ordered a shirt and tie for ds1, and located 80% of the paperwork required by dh's company to progress with financial stuff. At one point today, I was talking financial stuff with the support worker from dh's company, while an electrician fitted me a new electrical box, as arranged a few weeks ago by dh. He'd given me a 6 hour window, but of course came at the exact same moment. I did laugh, as it rather descended into farce!

The boys are very sensitive at the moment, but also very easily excited by guests. This is keeping me on my toes and I am very tired. I played the piano for them tonight while they fell asleep and this seemed to relax both them and I.

I'm hoping things will gradually start to slow down soon so I have more time to play with the boys and to take the time I need to begin to deal with my own feelings. Now, time for sleep.

OP posts:

BabyGiraffes · 04/05/2013 00:20

xxx

Homebird8 · 04/05/2013 00:59

Oh Survival. Your arrangements sound perfect. Good to have support from a vicar who is encouraging you to make it personal. Your music choices will make all the difference.

I hope knowing a bit more about cause of death will set your mind at rest a little that your boys can be well looked after. My friend's husband died suddenly (half way down stairs) leaving her with 1 year old DS. She takes comfort that he was well checked out and there is no indication of the same problem with his heart.

Your DM sounds as lovely as you. Just wondering whether your own tiger might help. Nobody has to know. The boys might like to know you've all got one.

ScienceRocks · 04/05/2013 07:36

You are doing so well Survival. Glad things are falling into place, and I think the odd moment of hysteria (such as the two appointments descending into farce yesterday) is most definitely allowed.

Sorry you feel you are struggling to find the time and energy to deal with your own feelings because of dealing with so much other stuff. It will gradually happen in time.

Cuddle those tigers tight and know that we are all thinking of you and your DSs x

TwentyTinyToes · 04/05/2013 08:28

Still thinking of you all. The tigers are a lovely idea. X x x

tumbletumble · 04/05/2013 09:04

The funeral arrangements sound perfect, and glad to hear you now have a date for it.

Wishing you strength for a big week ahead.

InmaculadaConcepcion · 04/05/2013 13:13

Sounds like it will be a lovely funeral Survival IYSWIM....a splendid send-off xx

saffronwblue · 04/05/2013 22:36

The funeral sounds so full of love and individuality. I hope it will help you, your boys and your wider family.

LST · 04/05/2013 22:43

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

You and your little boys are in my thoughts at this awful time xxxx

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 05/05/2013 07:30

Yesterday wad hard. We usually had very active family weekends, biking in the park or visiting a local hill to fly a kite, etc.. I think it hit me more yesterday, than on any other day so far, just what we have lost. I managed to carry on going through the motions, and I guess that it is important to be able to do so when necessary. My lovely friends arrived in the evening to check on me and I was glad not to spend the evening alone.

The hardest point was when my brother rang while we were eating lunch. Ds2 thought it was Daddy on the phone, from my responses, and his face lit up, and then fell when I explained. It was heart wrenching to see.

Today the in laws are coming. MIL hasn't seen the boys yet. Sil will probably stay over which will be nice.

OP posts:

tumbletumble · 05/05/2013 08:14

It's not surprising that you are feeling your loss right now - a bank holiday weekend is normally a special family time. So glad you have lots of support from friends and family members.

That story about DS2 and the phone is heart breaking

Hugs for Team Survival xx

MelodyBaker · 05/05/2013 13:15

I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you strength x

Wishiwasanheiress · 05/05/2013 14:08

I have no words. I am very very sorry. Wishing u strength. X

InmaculadaConcepcion · 05/05/2013 19:23

Oh, Survival... xx

Sending you all much love x

MrsMeg · 05/05/2013 19:33

I am so very sorry for your loss and am thinking of you and your boys at this very sad time

BerryLellow · 07/05/2013 16:48

So very sorry to hear this Survival. You are doing remarkably, and your love for your husband radiates from your posts. Be kind to yourself x

GlaikitFizzog · 07/05/2013 17:36

Survival, I am so so very sorry to hear of your loss. Your arrangements for the funeral sound lovely. We very nearly danced to better together at our wedding but quickly realised we couldn't dance to it either so did an awkward swaying to Chasing Cars instead.

All your posts are infused with love and you seem to have a very strong team around you. Don't be afraid to use them when you need to.

Sending you love and strength. I shall be thinking of you on Friday.

CakeExpectations · 07/05/2013 21:10

My heart is breaking for you and your darling boys. Your strength is inspirational, and your lovely husband would be so proud.

Will be thinking of you all on Friday. Much love xx

Homebird8 · 07/05/2013 21:56

I'm still here thinking of you Survival. In the run up to Friday you are probably flat out with people and arrangements. A busy time at a point where time probably doesn't make much sense. When you are ready, and if it all goes quiet and you need us, we are here.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 08/05/2013 01:02

Thank you for your lovely posts. I wrote my piece for the vicar to read on Friday last night ( which apparently made her cry) I role with a migraine this morning. Tonight I have been sorting the order of service. It reminds me of planning our wedding, but this time I have to make all the decisions myself. I hope we will do him proud. I am so bloody determined to do so and to help the boys get through this, both now and in the future. Have finally been able to register dh's death today. Also chose flowers and received the pm report, which the gp then discussed with me. Tomorrow dm and I will be taking the boys for two hours of appointments with their new paediatrician. Busy, busy...

OP posts:

AuntPittypat · 08/05/2013 01:22

I'm so sorry for your loss, Survival. You are being so strong, I'm in awe. I'll be thinking of you and your boys on Friday. You say you hope you will do your DH proud... You already are. Good luck with the boys' medical appointments tomorrow.

OnwardBound · 08/05/2013 07:09

Thinking of you and so sorry for your loss.

Your boys are very lucky to have you X

HarrySnotter · 08/05/2013 07:20

I don't know what to say, other than I am so, so sorry. Another hand here for you and your boys. :(

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