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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 20 21

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

A little hand holding please...

510 replies

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 26/04/2013 03:48

My gorgeous husband kissed ds1, aged 5, ds2, aged 3, and I, tonight, told us each that he loved us and went to play football, as he has every Thursday for the last 10 years.

38 minutes later, I had a call from his mate to say that he was having some kind of fit. By the time I arrived at the pitch, he was receiving cpr. Eventually we agreed they should stop at the hospital. He was 39 years old and the best daddy and husband one could hope for.

I'm lying here, wide awake, totally numb, and trying to think how to tell our beautiful boys that their super daddy didn't make it home.

I don't know when I'll be back on here., as I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, but just needed to say the words above.

OP posts:

Report

ClimbingPenguin · 27/04/2013 20:33

PoppyWearer · 27/04/2013 22:50

Oh my....sending love to you and your boys xx

OnTheNingNangNong · 27/04/2013 22:58

and love and hugs. Go Team Survival!

Take care of yourself, you are amazing.

friendlymum67 · 27/04/2013 23:04

So so sorry to read your dreadful news. You must be devastated yet you have no choice but to carry on somehow. Thinking of you all x

codswallopandchips · 27/04/2013 23:05

No words, but sending love to you and your boys. My heart breaks for you xxx

QOD · 27/04/2013 23:07

I'm so sorry for your loss, so awful

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 27/04/2013 23:15

I am so sorry to hear about your husband, love and strength to you all.

weblette · 27/04/2013 23:16

Survival, sending love and thoughts to you and your family x

MotheringShites · 27/04/2013 23:22

So sorry x

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 28/04/2013 00:38

Thank you again for all your support (and chuckled at the angry birds at our sides!) DH was a firm believer in the power of mumsnet. I'm sorry I didn't say yesterday that I am sorry for exexpat's loss.
Today has passed in a flurry of visitors, phone calls, flower deliveries and more games of angry birds than is probably recommended for 5 year olds.
I had a fab chat with dh's lovely aunty and assured her that due to dh's empathy for others, and all round loveliness, he had a huge number of female friends. I may have gone as far as to say that there would be a bevvy of beautiful ladies at the funeral!
The low point today was when ds1 shouted at me, "I don't want you anymore and I'm not going to give you cuddles ever again!" I know that is totally normal, but, gosh, it was hard to hear. Luckily, about an hour later he'd had a serious rethink and he came up and cuddled me.
The highlight was at bedtime when we were talking about Daddy still being next to us. Ds1 decided Daddy is now a superhero with invisibility as his special power. I think that's a good enough place for the boys' day to end on day two.
Another great friend has stayed tonight, the recycling is done, the washing is done, the boys have had all their meds and even a bath. Ds2 climbed into my bed at 5.20a.m and told me I was a little bit smelly! In fairness, the bed should have been changed by now, but I'm not ready to wash dh's smell off the pillow case etc.. just yet.
Tomorrow will be a holding day as we wait for the post mortem results on Monday. Tonight, I am on autopilot, somewhat numb, and hoping for sleep. Writing on here seems to help me to process my thoughts.

OP posts:

saffronwblue · 28/04/2013 01:15

survival, you and your boys seem to have a strong sense of your dear DH still being around you. I hope that is giving you some comfort. He was evidently a lovely and deeply loved man. What a huge loss. The bevvy of beauties will be a fine tribute to him.

I am sure your boys will continue to test you in lots of ways, and I do feel for you having to deal with their range of feelings and keep on being the parent for them in amongst your own shock and grief.

Hang on to the pillow case as long as you want to. I don't think there are any rules in this situation.

Thinking of you and your boys.

BabyGiraffes · 28/04/2013 08:57

Go team survival and superhero daddy! Hope you all got some sleep last night.

BabyGiraffes · 28/04/2013 09:00

And why not keep the pillowcase in a memory box?

flyingcloud · 29/04/2013 11:38

survival Thinking of you so much.

Your warmth and strength shines out through the words of your posts, there is a lot of superhero Daddy living on in you too.

Huge hugs. xx

5madthings · 29/04/2013 11:45

survival so glad you have support here and in rl. Your sons anger sounds very normal and five yr olds say lots of things they dont mean.

I hope the wait for post mortem results passes quickly and it yields some answers.

Much much love and strength to the survival team xxx

chinam · 29/04/2013 21:25

You are a very brave lady and your children sound amazing.

beachyhead · 29/04/2013 21:39

Oh what brave posts. My thoughts are with you today and tonight.

SurvivalOfTheUnfittest · 30/04/2013 01:10

It's been a hard day. I've decided I watch too many documentaries and knew too much of what they were doing to the body of my gorgeous husband. We heard nothing until 2.40pm (having expected a lunchtime call). Apparently my phone provider changed today so I could not receive calls for a while - of all days!
Most unfortunately, the post mortem wad inconclusive. This means there was no obvious cause of death and more histology samples have now been taken. No death certificate has been issued and this could take another 7 working days. Was told I could aim for a funeral on Friday May 10th, which seems too far away. The worst thing is that the coroner warned me that it may end up that they can not say why it happened. As far as I could make out, this may also be more likely to affect the boys' health. Hearing that made me shake. Just one awful thing too many to take on board. I will see the gp tomorrow to ensure their tests happen fast.
My lovely friends came round speedily, bathed the boys while I spoke to a funeral director, made me tea and gave me wine and a neck massage (needed due to constant texting and phone calls!).
Messages, flowers and gifts continue to flood in. People are so amazingly kind.

Boys had an awful night sleepwise last night, as they often do, so i'm quite tired now, but have at least managed to reserve an online shopping delivery for Friday, adjusting an old order for now.

Spoke at length to the head teacher about ds1 and made a detailed plan for his reintroduction tomorrow afternoon, all being well. He would stay at home forever if I let him, but he needs some normality.

Note to self: must keep on breathing.

OP posts:

ScienceRocks · 30/04/2013 07:29

Oh survival, so much to deal with. One foot in front of the other... Good luck with school today x

flyingcloud · 30/04/2013 07:59

Hope you managed some sleep, good luck with school and hope some answers are coming your way. xx

trulymadlydeeply · 30/04/2013 16:31

Oh Survival, so sorry to read such devastating news. You sound amazing, and I hope you get the answers you need so that you know your boys are OK. Your DH sounds wonderful, too.

Please keep posting and let us know if there is anything any of us can do.

GO Team Survival!!! Lots of love and hugs XXX

tumbletumble · 30/04/2013 16:37

I think, if they are unable to tell you conclusively what happened, then you need to come up with a simple wording for your boys which may not be 100% factually accurate but in order to give them an answer, both for themselves and to use when other people ask them. Something like 'Daddy had a weakness in his heart which we didn't know about, and it suddenly stopped beating'??

Wishing you strength, Survival. Hope you got a bit more sleep. How did DS1 get on at school.

Yes, keep breathing xx

Homebird8 · 30/04/2013 17:52

So sorry that you're no closer to any answers Survival.

I'd talk with one of the child bereavement charities about something simple to tell the children. Something that won't add to any completely understandable fear about losing someone else.

Your RL friends seem to be coming up trumps. Wish I could do more than simply send you

I hope your DS's return to school goes well. I'm sure it's the best way of keeping things more stable for him if he can manage it. If you had a good talk with the head teacher then I'm sure they'll be working with you to support him during the day.

Let your friends take care of you a bit and spend your energy on the things that only you can do. Everything else will happen somehow. You are amazing, don't forget.

Heebiejeebie · 30/04/2013 20:22

I am so sorry. It sounds like you have a family and friends full of love and that will stand you and your boys in good stead. I don't have wise words, but my friend, who also lost her husband suddenly,was advised by a counsellor that making the explanation concrete rather than general would mean that her children wouldn't worry about the same thing happening to her. Please take every offer of help, however vague. Having been a friend in a similar situation, I berate myself for waffling and not doing. Your friends will want to rally round but may not want to intrude etc. I wish you and the boys happiness to come.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 30/04/2013 20:25

survival I am so so sorry to hear of your loss. Big hugs to you and your boys xx

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