Christmas has gone surprisingly smoothly. The boys have been well and truly spoilt by everyone we know and we still have more Lego to build in the coming weeks. I said to several friends before Christmas that all I really wanted was some good weather so that I could get the boys outside each day for a run around. Of course, this has definitely not been possible, but they have coped pretty well with being cooped up, due to the new toys.
The boys and I have spent a lot of time just the three of us and I have been more grumpy at times than I would have liked, but I guess I can only do my best. Ds1 has said he will miss me tomorrow when school starts, so I guess it can't have been that bad!
There have been some low moments, obviously, when I have felt detached and like I am very much going through the motions. I was very hurt by one particular Christmas present and that knocked me more than it would normally have done. I guess it brought home the fact that there is no-one to put me first anymore. Life is no longer something that I relish in the way that I did, and I no longer look forward to the future with anticipation. I hope over time this will change. At one point, my 3 year old managed to write 'Daddy' on the shopping list. My 5 year old pondered the fact that a new daddy wouldn't look like dh so wouldn't be the same. He also asked me to take him to a wishing well for his birthday, after watching a pantomime. Explaining that no wishing well could bring Daddy back was really hard.
The night before Christmas Eve saw water pouring through the top of both lower front windows. After using 6 towels to mop up, I headed out into the rain with the hammer, nails, bin bags and a head torch to make some temporary fixes to see us through the night. A fab friend came to my rescue the following morning. Dh and I would have dealt with such a problem together and I imagined him giggling at me and urging me on.
Three nights later, the recycling was blowing around outside. I opened the window to alert a neighbour to a box that was flying through the air towards some windows, only for the loft hatch lid to fly up into the loft from the wind. As the ladder was tucked away in ds2's cupboard, I had to use a stool and climb up into the loft to retrieve it. Not something I wanted to do over the stairwell and after midnight, but no other choice really.
The amazing gifts that we received from our MN secret Santas made a huge difference to our Christmas, and even accounted for some of my favourite presents. I have really appreciated the support I have received on this thread since April 25th and the secret Santas showed again the good side of MN.
So, 2014.. I wonder what it will hold? We had our first two hospital appointments of the year today and have booked the first procedure for ds2. I heard in the week before Christmas that he has abnormal structures in his kidneys, but I won't know more until 7th February. Trying not to worry about it! His sleep apnoea monitor has been going off a lot over Christmas as he has had a cold. I think he will be keeping me busy! It will also be the year that he starts school. By the end of the year, I will either be back at work or doing something different. I have booked on the AGM of WAY (Widowed and Young Foundation) so that I can meet some other people in my situation. In addition, I will be going to a support day for partners of people who have died young from heart conditions. I plan to arrange an event to mark dh's 40th birthday in March too. By then, both boys will have had their birthdays.
Time for bed now, in an attempt to stick to my new year's resolution to go to bed at a reasonable hour! Thanks again for reading and for supporting me.